Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode One
Scene 1:
[Ron is sitting alone at a desk. There is a single light in the dim room, and it shines upon his emotionally traumatized face]
Ron: (writing a letter and voiceover) Dear Harry…
[Ron looks up, swivels, and then continues writing]
Ron: (still writing] As each day passes I yearn to see your bespectacled face of wisdom and advice again. Egypt is, swivel, glitter-tastic. However, my rat Scabbers, is feeling unwell. And by utter coincidence, a mass murderer is on the loose and I am worried for your safety. Although I am assured that my love for you will be a bright light to guide you once again into my open arms, I cannot help but replay the events of yesteryear in my mind. I know something as dangerous as fighting a basilisk shall never happen again, but still, I wonder.
Yours, forever and for the rest of eternity,
RON
[Ron pauses, scratches his head and writes:]
Ron: P.S. Do you know what an animagus is?
Scene 2:
[Draco and the gang are sitting around a table, chatting.]
Draco: I think we should make a (s) pact.
Crabbe: Yeah. Shall we take off our shirts?
Goyle: I have a better idea.
[Draco and Crabbe both swivel to Goyle and promptly stare at him for an uncomfortable few seconds]
Draco: (testily) What, exactly?
Goyle: (s) Let's start a (s) band.
[Dramatic music]
Scene 3:
[The Dursleys are having tea.]
Mr Dursley: Pass us the milk.
Mrs Dursley: Of course dear.
[Harry bursts into the scene, swivels, and then sits down at the table with a big sigh]
Harry: (s) I cannot bear it any longer!
Mr Dursley: What?
Harry: (s and pauses) … nothing.
Mr Dursley: Right, then.
[Harry takes out his "HOGSMEADE PERMISSION FORM" and lays it on the table, then proceeds to stare at it]
Mr Dursley: What's that?
Harry: (s and pauses)… nothing.
Mr Dursley: Okay. (Picks up paper and begins to read and speaks from behind it) By the way, Aunt Marge is coming.
Harry: (standing up and s) What? No! I won't!
Mrs Dursley: Won't what?
Harry: (s) Always.
Mr Dursley: So, everyone be nice, yeah?
Harry: (s) NO!
Mr Dursley: Eh?
Harry: Not unless you sign (flourish) this. (Picks up permission form and waves in Dursley's face)
Mr Dursley: (waves paper away) Later, later.
Harry: (s) Fine, I shall partake in your treaty. But, beware; I'll only be nice (s) if she is.
[Harry storms off]
Mr Dursley: Ah, the news is on.
Scene 4:
[Draco and Crabbe are still staring, open mouthed at Goyle]
Draco: (s) What?
Goyle: Well, I've become a very good violinist over the summer and Crabbe (s to aforementioned) you truly are beginning to learn the bass guitar.
[Crabbe looks adoringly at Goyle]
Goyle: (s to Draco) And Draco, I think you'll make a great trianglist.
Draco: (smugly) I've already learnt the triangle. I've been playing for five years.
Goyle: And we already have a band name.
Draco and Crabbe: (s) What?
Goyle: (stares out into middle distance) the Golden Trio.
[Happy music]
Scene 5:
[At Privet Drive. Harry is sitting, sulking, at the dining room table with the Dursley's and Aunt Marge]
Marge: What school do you go to again, Harry?
[Harry glares at her, and then swivels away to glare at his potatoes]
Mr Dursley: St Brutus's.
Marge: Ah. (Pause) And what does your father do, Harry?
[Harry glares at the ceiling, and then swivels to glare at his roast.]
Mr Dursley: He's dead, Marge.
Marge: Ah. (Pause) And your mother's dead as well, Harry?
Harry: (stands up, gets out his wand and shouting) THAT'S IT. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING ME OF GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR THE INCURABLY CRIMINAL. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING MY FATHER OF BEING AN UNEMPLOYED LAY-A-BOUT BUT I CANNOT, AND WILLNOT, STAND FOR YOU CALLING MY MOTHER A BITCH. (points wand at Marge) RELATIVUS ENLARGUS!
[Nothing happens]
Mrs Dursley: Oh my! You're enormous!
Mr Dursley: Eww…
Harry: Goodbye, cruel world!
[Harry runs out the door, only stopping to collect his conveniently placed trunk and Hedwig]
Scene 6:
[Draco and the gang are still sitting around a table]
Goyle: Well?
Draco: (s) Let's do it. Crabbe?
[Goyle and Draco stare at Crabbe. Crabbe appears to be thinking.]
Crabbe: Okay. (Pause) But we should play shirtless.
Scene 7:
[Harry is sitting on the curb]
Harry: It's not (s) fair. I'm Harry Potter and (stands up and shouting) I AM A WIZARD AND IT IS NOT (s) FAIR!
Neighbour: (offscreen) WILL YOU BE QUIET?
Harry: Whoops. (Sits back down)
[Out of nowhere, a dog appears]
Harry: (s to dog) Oh my Merlin! A dog! Is it an (s) omen?
[Enter Knight Van. Dog runs away]
Harry: (tries to s, but falls over) Argh, my back!
Stan: (steps out of Knight Van) My name is Stan Shunpike. I shall now assist you into the Knight Van.
Harry: (blinks) What?
Stan: Listen, kid, just get in the van. We have hot chocolate.
Harry: (shrugs) Just take me to the Leaky Cauldron.
[Dramatic music]
Scene 8
[In train compartment with Ron, Hermione and Lupin. Hermione is reading, Ron is staring at Hermione and Lupin is sleeping]
Ron: You have really pretty eyes, Hermione.
Hermione: (looks up) What?
Ron: (s)… nothing.
[Harry walks in, in his robes, swivels, and sits down]
Harry: You never guess who I just…
[Lights go out and only blackness can be seen]
Hermione: What was that?
Ron: Harry, hold me.
Harry: I can't.
Ron: Why?
Harry: You've pinned my arms down.
[Suddenly, a light is shone on a Dementor's face. The Dementor is dressed as a "goff"]
Ron: (s) I feel nauseous.
Hermione: Ah, (s) my soul!
Dementor: wat did u just sae b'loody mary smith
Harry: I think I'm gonna…
Dementor: hey vampire look I no u wanna fuk mi but i m wif draco k we had sex is that stupid
Harry: Oh Merlin, I'm gonna…
Hermione: (s) What are you going to do, Harry?
Harry: FAINT. (faints)
Ron: No! (falls to knees) NO!
[Lupin gets up}
Lupin: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
[Patronus leaps up and starts to heard the Dementor away]
Dementor: oh satan a prep and poser stop flaming me
[Dementor exits. Harry gets up]
Harry: (s) Who are you?
Lupin: A were- I mean, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
[Harry and Hermione look astounded. Ron is eating. Lupin starts to bite his nails. Dramatic music]
END OF EPISODE ONE