Disclaimer: I do not own Mamoru, Usagi, Haruka or any other characters from Sailor Moon.
WARNING: If you don't like Mamoru bashing you'd better stay away from this story or only read half of it.
Mamoru's defense
by
Amnesia Nymph
Hello. My name is Chiba Mamoru. You might all know me by now. I'm one of the heroes from Sailor Moon created by Naoko Takeuchi. I just finished reading a fanfiction story a little while ago and I must say I'm furious. I'm not a lousy hero. I wear a tuxedo for crying out loud! So everyone who tried to tell me I've got a bad taste should check their own clothes for once. And another thing about my green blazer. Yes, I wear it all the time. So what?! Usagi and the others wear their school uniforms constantly as well. I never see you complain about that. School girl-fetish maybe?
You people write me off as a slacker, homeless, asshole, loser and god knows what. But we all know that's not true. Must I remind you that I saved Sailor Moon multiple times by throwing a rose? So why is throwing a rose a bad thing if it helps her survive this dangerous world. Roses are a romantic gesture. But you all probably don't know that because you're too stupid to get a real boyfriend or girlfriend. Instead of looking for one you write bad things about innocent male heroes. Shame on you!
ALSO! I'm not only throwing roses. I've got my black cane too! I once blocked an attack with it! Ha! Got you there.
(Mamoru starts reading another ReiUsagi fic) Aha, another mistake by an author. Usagi is not gay and she's not with me because she has to. We have a predestined love. And no matter how deep and how good you look you won't see anything else there but friendship between her and her senshi. Back in the silver millenium we fell in love. I was just plain ol' Endymion and didn't have an alter ego for her to fall in love with.
In this time I might have been two different people. (Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen.) But that's because I'm a schizoprenic and you cannot pin my mental illness on me like that. That's hurtful and mean.
True, it's a bit strange that she disliked me at the beginning and decided to love me the moment she found out I was indeed Tuxedo Kamen but who cares! Everyone knew we were going to fall in love while watching the show! Idiots!
And let's not forget about all those fans who DO pair me up together with Usagi. I thank you all for sticking up for me. I agree with all of you. Haruka and Usagi are a terrible couple. Why would she want to be with some chick who looks like a dude when she can be with an actual guy. (ME!)
Rei and Usagi? You want my sincere opinion about that one? I laugh at your foolishness. Must I remind you Rei was in love with me ever since she met me. She only decided to give me up because Usagi wanted to be with me.... that's just friendship!
Usagi and Makoto? Were all of you wearing blindfolds when Makoto was chasing all those guys during the anime? (I didn't read the manga because I heard Tenoh kissed my woman in that one!)
Usagi and Michiru? Where the hell did you come up with that idea?! Michiru already has her dear Tenoh Haruka. You shouldn't break up original couples for your own pleasure. So leave me and Usagi alone!
Moving on. And this one hurts the most. Seiya and Usagi? People, Seiya is an alien and a female. I know the show 'Sailor Moon' lacked guys but this is a little too much don't you think? Alright, I admit that there was some sort of romance between them but guess what you fools?! She stayed faithful to me because she actually loves me. God how I love to prove all of you silly writers wrong.
Oh and this is a priceless one, Ami and Usagi having hardcore sex! I actually read a story on this site involving those two and certain toys that make even Kobe Tai blush. Ami is and always will be a nerd who fell in love with that other nerdy guy. What's his name again? Ryo something. So give up!
And what's this crap about me always getting kipnapped. That's not true! It only happened once every season! And I always came back. Yes, I was evil the first time and tried to kill the woman I loved but I wasn't myself. I was under someone's control. See if you guys like it to be controlled one day and having to pay for it the rest of your goddamn fictional life! (which is pretty eternal if you ask me!) Stop making me suffer.
What if Usagi reads this stuff and gets crazy ideas. You people gave her enough lousy excuses to dump me for a girl. Just because most of you were annoyed by Chibi-Usa's existence doesn't mean she shouldn't exist at all! She's my daughter for crying out loud! And not the offspring of an affair between me and Meioh Setsuna. That woman scares the shit out of me. Why cheat on Usagi with her. Setsuna rather push her garnet globe in a place the sun don't shine than to give me a second look.
But that's alright. I don't care. Wanna know why?! Because I have my forever lasting love with Usagi! I am happy! Why can't you people give it a rest?
I've had youma fall in love with me. Even a guy from my past fell in love with me. So don't tell me and other readers that I'm too ugly to get myself a girl. I can even get every guy I want in my pants. Deal with reality, fools!
You can NOT turn me into an abusive asshole who hits Usagi or cheats on Usagi without a good reason. I am not an alcoholic and I'm not too old for her. I do love her with whole my heart and soul.
You disgust me! All of you haters make me sick! You know what I'm going to do? I'll look up your real names and write stories about all of you getting dumped and cheated on. Let's see how you feel! Don't come crying to me when you get your filthy feelings hurt. Welcome to my world!
Haruka: Will you please shut up now. We get it. You're angry.
Mamoru: No, you obviously don't get it. All those goddamn writers love you. I never read a story about you cheating on Michiru or beating your lover to pulp.
Haruka: Well, actually... According to a couple of stories here I did cheat on Michiru. But it's just fiction. Don't get all worked up over it.
Mamoru: Did they ever write this about you:
Mamoru could also die because of a toilet incident. Let me tell you how that happened in my dream. One day Mamoru really needed to go to the toilet to shit. But just as he sat down on it he found out he was on the lady's toilet. Ofcourse it would be too embarrassing to get caught. So he decided to flush himself down the toilet together along with all his shit. So without any trouble he climbed into the toilet and flushed himself. Mamoru was having the fun of his life, he especially liked the part where he kept turning and turning and turning. He only forgot one small little detail. He didn't fit through the pipes. He lived there for two days before he suffocated on a tampon.
Haruka: (almost chokes on laughter) no, I don't think anyone has written something like that about me.
Mamoru: It gets worse! They had me commit suicide because Usagi dumped me. They had me wear a speedo! I got stabbed to death, got cursed to hell and got beated by poodles. I even recall a story about me peeing my pants whenever I saw a poodle.
Haruka: You really are pathetic. I'm starting to agree with those authors out there.
Mamoru: Shut up!
Minako: Hey what's up?
Haruka: Mamoru is dying out of self pity.
Minako: Again?
Mamoru: Did you know they have you falling in love with Rei in a lot of stories?!
Minako: Yes. So? Atleast they're writing about me. The goddess of love needs some loving too.
Mamoru: I'm not gay. You might not feel insulted but I am. I don't like taking it up the...
Haruka: (cuts him off) watch the language. Little kids are reading this.
Mamoru: Good! Let them see what happens when you push a person too far!
Minako: (turns to the readers) Please send nice reviews on how you agree with him. I know his defense sucks because there really is nothing to defend. He's a lousy hero and always will be.
Mamoru: Excuse me?!
Minako: Well, you've got to admit that's it's a little true.
Mamoru: No! I'm the best male hero in anime history! (starts crying because he doesn't believe any of it himself) God my life sucks! I couldn't even beat Pickachu with a baseball bat!
Minako: Nervous breakdown number 45 this month. What shall we do with him this time?
Haruka: Just leave him there. Maybe he'll find a nice toilet to die in.
Minako: Don't you mean 'to die on'?
Haruka: Nope, I'm pretty sure I mean 'to die in'.
The End
It's difficult to write something in his defense when you don't believe a word of it.
Sorry you had to hear all those lies. Don't get offended if you ever wrote something terrible about Mamoru (cape boy). If you're familiar with my work you might know that I'm not a big fan of that dork myself. So please continue writing bad stuff about him!