A Most Brilliant Parody
Alas, my tale has been morphed over the ages into a most foul thing. I myself have become a red hooded, dim-witted, weak little girl that cannot tell the difference between a wolf and her own grandmother. I assure you, however, that things were not as they seem. It was I, who had to rescue my pig-headed, anti feminist grandmother and the ignorant woodcutter from the depths of the undeserving wolf. It was I, who had to save them using my intellect and cunning.
I did skip merrily down the lane as I took pride in my own genius. My mother was out for the day and had locked me in my house to prevent me from plaguing the town with my feminist lectures. In this dreadful year if 1919 we had finally argued and protested onto the ballot, but I digress. I had black mailed the woodcutter into fetching the locksmith whom I paid heavily to do my bidding.
Both Wolf and Woodcutter were felons to only my knowledge, so blackmail was entirely necessary. They had roasted the three little pigs in an attempt to rid my campaign of supporters. As I skipped I dropped eaves on their conversation.
"We ought to just turn ourselves in, this is no good," urged Woodcutter.
"Are you out of your mind? We would surely be hung! Three counts of murder each and tampering with an election, we would never hear the end of it," rebutted Wolf. "If we joined forces with her family then maybe we could kill her!"
"Who in her family would kill her?" asked Woodcutter.
"Her grandmother, idiot!"
"But she is gong there now, we shall have to hurry!" Woodcutter exclaimed. "Oh, but what if she doesn't agree?" he whined.
"Then I shall eat her. Now, let us be gone" he ordered.
I hid behind a bush to prevent my discovery and made my way, the opposite direction, to the poker hall. After cleaning out all in Texas Hold 'em I made a vital purchase. At last I continued to skip merrily to my grandmother's house. My grandmother may have hated me, but she wasn't so dim as to join with Wolf.
I burst into my grandmother's house and began to feign ignorance. "Hello dearest grandmother, how are you? You are looking a bit ill. Would you care for a glass of water?"
"Yes dear that would be nice,"Wolfsaid in a cracked effort of impersonation.
With my basket and purchase safely on my arm, I made my way out to her well. With a little of the stuff in the bottom and water on top everything was going exactly as planned.
"Thank you dear," he said when I handed him the glass. "Now would you be so kind as to get me the knife in the block, child." A huge gulp and he knew what I had done.
"Thou shalt not need it O Wolf. For it is I, Red Riding, who shall be thy doooom!" To this day I am unsure if he heard all of my proclamation, but I do know that after he had fallen into a drunken coma I disemboweled him and preceded to tie up my grandmother and Woodcutter.
They did not fight when I lectured them, nor did they when I cast their ballots for them. Nay, they did something far more terrible and treacherous. It was they, after I had rescued them, who turned me into Little Red Riding Hood (shudder, gasp). Yes, it was they who made up that most foul tale.