From: Aslan (aslan_g@mailcity.com), Krac_Babee@mailcity.com
Sequel/Series: Sequel to 'When All Else Fails' second in the series 'Aslan and Krac's adventures in Jossland'
Title: Take Axe Break Glass
Author: Aslan and Krac
E-mail: aslan_g@lycos.com, Krac_Babee@lycos.com
Rating: R
Summary: Roadtrip to L.A. results in fun and horror.
Disclaimer: We don't own any of the BTVS Characters, Joss Whedon, The WB and Mutant Enemy own them. We only own the story, and anything we make up along the way.
Distribution: If you take it let us know so we can go visit…When the gerbils and the men with the little white coats and the big bottle of pills let us out to play.
Feedback: Does Riley "love" Bessie…Laws Yes.
Spoilers: Have you ever read anything we've ever written? We're so far off from the show that we don't just have an alternate universe, we have an alternate solar system.
Authors Note: We'd like to reiterate this is a sillyfic. Written entirely for fun. We mean you no harm…It's just strange things have the tendency to happen when Krac comes home for the weekend. And when this fic was started we'd spent 48 hours together…Add in Pepsi, Dorito's, Combos and Whippersnapple and wackiness ensues. Just a warning next year we might be roomates, along with Tam the grammar goddess… that could be very, very bad…But extremely fun! Anyway, the opinions expressed in the following fanfic are those of two socially repressed writer's who plan to inflict yet more painful drivel from our diseased minds upon you in the future. Not a turgid soap opera but close. A third episode is in the works until then praise us as we so richly deserve.
Also revisions of PWF 11-13 will be out tonight and 14 will be out soon.
Luv ya all and a happy birthday to 'thewhitenight'ers ! The list was one year old yesterday! To Krac, Diedra and Mash who remember Dustangel. Thanks for hanging around! Consider this your birthday present. Thanks and lots of Love to everyone.
1
2
3 Break Glass, Take Axe
11:57 p.m. Los Angeles Calif. U.S.A.
Outside a seemingly nondescript warehouse the zebra print van stood out like a sore thumb. Cordelia sighed in disgust. "Why is Oz just sitting out there? Why doesn't he come in?"
"Are you quite sure it's Oz?" Wesley queried not looking up from the latest tome of doom.
"You're right Wes, the roads are absolutely crowded with zebra striped vans with 'kiss me I'm a lycanthrope' bumper stickers nowadays." Cordelia responded with her patented 'you're a moron' eyeroll.
"I saw that Cordelia." Wesley intoned nose still buried in his book.
"What?" Cordy responded all innocence.
If it had been possible Angel would have sighed in disgust. Why did he have to get stuck with these two for sidekicks? "Quit it! I'll settle this once and for all!" The king of brood grabbed his ever-present leather jacket and headed out the door.
************************************************************
"It's your turn." Aslan barked fiercely.
"Ex-squeeze me? Nuh –uh! I got them last time!" Krac responded.
"When was last time?"
"Umm…Last time. With the waiting and the doing nothing…Remember the waiting?" Krac fidgeted. "You pinned my mittens to my chest while my hands were still in them. Any lower and I would have had the first woolen nipple ring!"
"That would be of the bad." Oz piped up.
"Hey, you just met her! Try spending 72 hours trapped alone in a 1987 Chevette with her, where she can't talk! She's lucky I only pinned her hands down and didn't just cut them off!" Aslan began to turn a lovely shade of red as she mimicked some of Krac's more elaborate hand gestures.
It was too late Krac was already ignoring her for the guitarist and Spike who was sprawled rather invitingly across Xander and Giles sleeping in the back of the van and as far away from the hellhounds as they could get. The younger immortal reached out a quick hand and pulled Oz towards her. Aslan didn't know which made a larger slurping noise the two of them or Zeus trying to drink out of the toilet. Luckily she didn't care. She was tired and there were three very attractive pillows in the back that she was going to fall into-coffee and doughnuts be damned. Besides these bloody Americans didn't even know what a Tim Horton's was let alone have one!
The three men all curled around each other were so temptingly sweet she needed to take advantage of it now before they woke up and realized just where they were and what they were doing. Leaving Krac to her 'Wolfie'; Aslan wrapped herself around her Xandershaped pillow and laid Spike's head across her lap. Ah, small confined spaces weren't that bad after all.
As a blanket of comfort finally descended upon the occupants of the van someone began to hammer on the backdoors with inhuman strength. Immediately, the three sleeping men jumped up; knocking Aslan into Zeus and an unwelcome tongue bath. Oh, somebody was gonna die tonight. Her feelings were obviously echoed by Spike who screamed as he knocked his head against the roof of the van in his haste to stand. "Bloody hell!"
Instantly the knocking stopped and the back doors squealed as they were ripped from the hinges. A pair of dark eyes burning with hate stared balefully into the darkened interior of the van. "SPIKE!" Angel roared.
"So much for that whole stealth thing, huh?" Xander blinked sleepily.
Unfortunately the souled vampire didn't take time to notice the other occupants of the van and launched himself at Spike. "DADDY!!!" Spike squealed. "I knew you loved me!"
Angel barely registered the words and his response was little more than a grunt. Ignoring the small space he began to pummel his Childe. Suddenly a tire iron was smashed down upon his left arm with bone breaking force. As the bone exploded Angel looked up into a pair of cold brown eyes. "I've ALWAYS wanted to do that." Xander grinned.
"Xander? What are you doing here?" Angel gasped.
"Kicking your ass!" Xander glowered as the tire iron swung again. Unfortunately this time Angel was ready for it, his fist connected just below Xander's jaw throwing the dark haired mortal into the side of the van.
If Aslan were able to move-Angel would have been dust faster than he could blink. Her scream of rage echoed inside the small space as she tried valiantly to crawl out from under the pile of bodies weighing her down. But at the bottom of a small human and canine pyramid she couldn't do anything but watch as Angel approached Xander menacingly.
"Krac!" Aslan screamed pleadingly.
"You didn't answer my question, Xander. What are you doing here with Spike? And Giles? And Oz? With Spike?" Angel cried wearing an expression reminiscent of the late Riley Finn on a particularly stupid day.
A cool voice spoke from behind him. Strong and confidant with a touch of menace that left Angel's borrowed blood cold. It was a bad voice…One that spoke of death and the joys of inflicting pain. Aslan grinned from the bottom of her pile. Xander was safe. She knew that voice well having incurred its wrath many times over the last millennia of her existence. It was Krac's 'I'm extremely pissed off and I'm going to kill you' voice.
Krac glared darkly at the brooding poof. "Back away, Deadboy."
Angel quickly obeyed rather fearfully, while he sized up his new enemy because that was what this strange woman was now. She had killing eyes, but moved with incredible tenderness towards the fallen mortal. She quickly checked him for any wounds, periodically casting venomous glares at Angel over her shoulder as she worked, muttering about undead assholes the whole time.
When she was quite sure that Xander was bruised but otherwise fine she prepared to move him to the front of the van so she could properly take care of their if not uninvited at least unwanted guest.
Krac glared at Angel as she pulled Xander into her arms and lifted the mortal from the van. "STAY." She growled. Angel flinched and nodded his assent like a good little pet vampire.
Xander rested his head against Krac's shoulder grinning despite the pain and the blood. "It was worth it. Thanks."
Krac grinned. "Just call me Tinkerbell, spreading happiness and making dreams come true all over the world. And I'm sure if you moan a little bit more Aslan will make even those X-rated dreams come true, later."
"You think?" Xander perked up a little.
"I've known her since Atlantis was lost it's a sure bet. She's got a soft spot for the wounded and needy. Remind me to tell you what a bitch the battle of Troy was, and God forbid you mention the Ides of March or she'll start crying louder than the last time we watched 'The Green Mile.'" Krac answered as she deposited her charge into the front seat beside Oz. "Now if you'll excuse me I have an ass-kicking to render."
Walking slowly around the back of the van, Krac smiled and motioned for Angel to meet her on the sidewalk. Instead of waiting for him to catch up to her, she moved forward drawing back her right leg and kicked him squarely in his nether regions. "Oomph!" Angel gasped as waves of pain radiated from his groin and he tried to stay on his feet swaying in the breeze.
"Did that hurt?" Krac asked gleefully.
The vampire reddened and took several unnecessary cleansing breaths. "Guess not," Krac shrugged and kicked him again dropping him to the ground, "I'll just have to do it till it does then."
"Why?" Angel grunted, "Why are you dong this? You know Buffy won't let you do this to me!"
Laughter rang out on the cool night air. "Buffy? The vapid blonde necrophillial whore? You know I could insult her all day and never get tired of it. Do you really think she's going to rush in here and save you?" Krac slapped Angel across the face.
"Yes, I do," Angel heaved wondering how such a small person got so vicious or strong for that matter.
"Sorry to disappoint, Dead boy. No offence Spike dear!" she pushed back one of the dark red streaks in her blonde hair.
A quiet voice answered from the van, "None taken Love."
"Anyway Deadboy the only way that whore is going to save you is if she gets a round trip ticket out of hell," Krac's maniacal grin widened, "She's deader than you are! And it's only been about oh, two hours since I snapped her traitorous neck."
Something snapped inside of Angel, his vampire face appeared and he launched himself at the young woman who was taunting him. "Buffy!" the pain in his voice was unmistakeable-he would definitely be brooding for an extra hundred years now.
Krac flipped backwards away from his frenzied attack but the enraged vampire ran for her once more. Her hands darted like little cobras in and out of his defenses. Getting tired of the lopsided sparring match the immortal jumped up delicately turning in the air to bring her foot to Angel's whiny mouth. "If you're not careful I'll rip your fangs out with a pair of rusty pliers and wear them around my neck!" the vampire rolled over limply and stared up into her dark countenance.
Heavily, she placed her foot over his throat pinning him to the ground. A winning smile passed over her face as she pulled out a nice sharp stake, "Didn't your mommy tell you not to piss people with sharp pieces of wood off?"
Krac leaned inwards and pulled back her arm to stake the pathetic vampire. The stake had just grazed his skin when a cry rang out in the night, "No stop!! I own his ass!"
"What?" Spike cried, incredibly disappointed. Why?"
"He broke the first rule of supernatural law. You do not touch what belongs to another! Xander has been claimed, you touched what was not yours to play with, Vampire…Now, I own your ass to do with what I please." Aslan pronounced angrily.
"Ewww! Do you really want to be touching that after Bunny? God knows what she's left behind on him! And he's too big to dip in Purell!" Krac squealed leaning against the van.
"Who said anything about touching him…At least not with my hands anyway." Aslan replied. "And I'm not talking about my tongue either!" She snapped furiously as she tossed a glare towards Krac and Spike who were both seemingly preparing to speak.
"Oh." Spike replied disappointed for the second time in as many minutes. "Understood, then."
Angel gaped at the fiery brunette before him. "I didn't know. You can't hold me responsible, he broke my arm with a tire iron I acted only in self defense."
"Vampire against mortal, no matter the weapon those are not fair odds." Krac inserted with a pretty smile.
"I was only concerned for their safety, Spike is dangerous! Besides I would never really hurt Xander, he's a friend!" Angel cried.
A small explosion echoed from inside the van where Xander and Spike both began laughing at the same time. "Friend!" Xander snorted, between gales of nearly uncontrollable laughter. "Friend?" Spike and Oz were almost overcome with merriment as Giles watched their behavior chagrined. "You dangerous?" Xander sniggered pointing gaily at Spike. "You can't even get it up to bite a gerbil!" Immediately Spike stopped laughing, glaring daggers at the dark haired mortal as he continued to laugh.
"Hey, we want to keep this supernatural 'Brady bunch' rolling so no fighting, kids!" Krac glared breaking her eyes away from the confrontation between Aslan and Angel to nip the new argument in the bud.
"But…" Spike whined. "He's emasculating me, Ducks! You don't want an emasculated Spike on your hands do you?"
"There's a difference?" Xander quipped. Spike nearly screamed in rage as he launched himself at the dark haired mortal. Then he was screaming… in agony as the pain from the chip flared in his head before he'd more than set hands on the boy. And he wasn't the only one. Oz in his rush to remove the only barrier between Spike and Xander-his body jumped over the back of the seat cleanly kicking Giles in the head and knocking the Watcher's glasses off and into the back of the van.
"Don't make me come back there!" Krac growled.
"Sorry…" Came the suddenly angelic chorus from the front of the van as Giles groaned in disgust, demanding that the boys help him find his now missing glasses.
With that resolved Krac turned her attention back to the confrontation on the street. Aslan opened her mouth to pronounce judgement upon the vampire dazedly watching her from his place on the ground when a crossbow bolt suddenly materialized in the middle of her chest.
Krac gaped at the sight, as Aslan deftly removed the bolt with practiced ease. "Damn it Krac, that's the only shirt I have!"
"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Krac shrieked waving her empty hands in the air.
"Then find out who did!"
"You don't have to look very far, I'm right here." Cordy exclaimed, standing proudly in a corny Xenaesque pose not far away, with Wesley as her only back up. "And step away from the vampire, now!"
Krac snorted derisively. "Hey look everyone it's Giles jr. and the new improved gold-digger Barbie doll with the kung-fu grip. Oohhh, I'm scared!"
Aslan glared still holding the crossbow bolt that had recently impaled her, glaring at the two newcomers. "I know we can't die but that really fucking stings. The next person to do that will be promoted to the top of my shitlist and that is definitely somewhere you do not want to be!"
"You mean someone would move ahead of me?"
"Yep." Aslan grunted, still glaring.
"Cool. Besides bitca-barbie, nobody shoots her immortal ass but me. Just like spandex it's a privilege not a right!" Krac growled.
"Now, now…There's no need for violence here, I'm sure we can talk this through in a civilized manner, we're not animals after all." Wesley waxed philosophically.
Aslan caught Krac's eye and smirked theatrically. "Well I can't speak for all of us…but as for violence…I'm not the one who opened fire on a complete stranger without even knowing what species they were! I could've been a mortal, Missy! Then were would you be? On your way to San Quentin and that hot date with big Bertha in the E-block shower!"
"Nah, I woulda killed her…"
"Really?" Aslan cried.
"Duh, yeah…Please that'd be like Riley turning down a night with Bessie the cow. Besides as I said before nobody shoots you but me…It's an expression of my love."
"Shooting me is an expression of love?"
"I never claimed I wasn't dysfunctional, besides I watch a lot of Jerry Springer."
"Right, umm…Krac go disarm the bitch before she puts anymore holes in my shirt."
"Right." Krac shrugged heading for Cordy and the offending crossbow, which was now pointing in her direction rather than at her partner. As Cordy moved to depress the trigger Krac caught her hand in a punishing grip. "Now, now we'll be having none of that." When the pressure became too much Cordy yelped and stepped backwards skewering Wesley's foot with her stiletto heels causing the staid Englishman to scream in agony.
Krac giggled maliciously, as she took hold of the crossbow crushing the stalk with her bare hands. "You ever get the idea that the PTB are undervaluing our services? I mean, this isn't work…These are mercy killings for crying out loud, I feel like Dr. Kevorkian…with better hair of course."
"Yeah, If this gets any easier I'll have to go back to my job in the Senate just to get my brain some exercise." Aslan retorted.
Aslan was jerked back to the present when something shifted beneath her foot. It was the vampire, with her foot still wedged tightly against his throat. He obviously had something on his mind. "What?" She queried innocently.
He proceeded to mime admirably, gesturing for her to remove her foot so he could speak. With an expression reminiscent of Krac after being woken up at five a.m. "Speak up, Luv. I'm no good at charades." Aslan barked, grinning wolfishly.
Cordy harrumphed angrily. "He. Wants. You. To. Take. Your. Foot. Off. His. Throat."
"Huh, what's it like to want?" Krac grinned.
"Really?" Aslan responded innocently. "Do you want me to take 'my foot' off your throat, Angel?"
The vampire nodded emphatically.
"Hmmm…I told you I was no good at charades, is that a yes?"
Angel kept nodding.
"Krac do you think that was a yes?"
"No, I think that was code for 'please, please kick me in the balls now.' I'd feel just awful if I didn't comply with the wishes of a dead-man. Your foots busy, so I'll volunteer mine and my steel toed boots…Might as well make it good. Right Angel?" Krac grinned as Angel hurriedly curled into the foetal position as memories of the last meeting between Krac's boots and his groin came rushing back to overwhelm his consciousness.
"I think I scared Sir Broods A Lot, it's good to know I've still got it!" Krac laughed skipping merrily.
"Ohhh, for Chrissakes are you two morons. Angel go 'grrr' and kill them already!" Cordelia whined noisily.
"Not bloodly likely! Y'stupid Chit…They're 'IMMORTAL'…Crikey where the hell did they find you, at the bottom of the river?"
"Well that would explain where all those missing brain cells disappeared to." Aslan answered back.
"Actually, I have my own theory about that. I think the initiative tried to split half a cheerleaders brain between you and Muffy, as you can see it was a runaway success just like it's other projects." Krac drawled, with enough sarcasm in her voice to spring a leak in Cordy's breast implants.
"Bite me!" Cordy flounced pouting, looking to Wesley for reassurance.
"Rather ironic phrase considering who she works for don't you think?" Krac grinned as she caught Aslan's eye.
"If possible I think things are kinkier here than in some sections of Amsterdam. I don't want to know who he bites or why, I was dragged into Muffy's twisted little predilections but I refuse to allow my fragile little mind to be further corrupted by these freaks of evolution." Aslan grumbled releasing Angel and kicking him to his feet.
"Your mind is neither little nor fragile, and as for it's corruption…how long have we been working together now? My dear, you are corrupted, wholly and completely bankrupt. No, ifs, ands or Spike's really cute butt about it!"
Aslan groaned. Then turned her dark gaze toward the dark-haired vampire before her. "Vampire," Aslan commanded coldly. "We'd like to go inside now."
"Yeah, I've had to use the facilities for quite some time now and the casino we stopped at wouldn't let me in because I didn't have the proper I.D."
"It's not my fault you forgot your passport and It's not my problem that you couldn't manage to pass for an eighty year old black woman. I told you it was all in the walk but when do you ever listen to me!" Xander cried.
"Yes, Xander. How stupid of me…All it takes to pass oneself off as another culture, race and gender is learning to walk differently."
Xander grinned. "It's not Xander, its Ming Tao Ting, remember?"
"You're insane aren't you?" Oz laughed softly.
"Indubitably." Xander grinned.
"Are you taking the old man's dictionaries into the bathroom again?" Spike pouted.
"Excuse me? My dictionaries…in the bathroom? Xander, please tell me that's not true!" Giles cried, disgust warring with horror shining from his face.
"It's not…And…Why was Spike going into the bathroom with your encyclopedia demonica, huh? We both know there's only one reason why he'd need to go into your bathroom…Well, okay two but I definitely don't think he was using the shower!"
"Oooh Pet, you wound me! I thought we had an understanding!" Spike cried as Giles turned from red to a shocking blue, as the man seemed to stop breathing completely. Spike didn't even bother to wait for Giles to gather his breath as he knew what was coming. He had just cleared the back doors of the van as Giles voice echoed from within at the force of the Watcher's scream. "SPIKE!"
Within seconds the van had emptied, Spike was hiding behind Cordelia and Giles was shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs as Oz and Xander laughed themselves silly leaning against the back of the van.
"Ummm…Okay, guys what did I miss? Why has the Fruitloop gone Cocoa Crispy?"
"Giles found out Spike did naughty things with his books. He's a little upset."
"Spike…Aren't we keeping you busy enough? Well, I guess we'll have to rectify that situation, now won't we?" Krac purred.
"RECTIFY!" Xander giggled turning to Oz, who began to laugh even harder at the expression on the young man's face.
"What?" Krac mused, confused as Aslan began to giggle along.
"Rectify?" Aslan gasped.
"God, Xander act your age not your shoe size." Cordelia griped.
"You know his shoe size? What is it? What is it? Aslan never let's me play with her new toys!" Krac cried.
"What is it with the shoe size thing?" Xander questioned curiously.
"It's umm…It's something…Umm…Krac's mother taught us on a 'very long' trip to the magical kingdom of Marmora." Aslan grinned and turned to face Krac. "I thought you were going to try to crawl right through your seat to get away."
"Ha ha. But the day your mom starts telling you what positions are more pleasurable is the day you'll understand damn it! It's not right I tell you!"
Aslan shuddered. "Bite your tongue! My mother is older than the pyramids, even if you sat her down with copies of 'the Karma Sutra' and a medical dictionary, I hope to god she wouldn't know what to do!"
"Aslan, you're the youngest of a hundred siblings I think she knows what to do!"
"GAH! The pain, the pain. Bitch, I will end you for placing that bad, bad image in my brain! Take it out!"
"Spike you owe me twenty bucks, You too G-man." Xander grinned.
"Bloody Wanker!" Spike growled, but then magically brightened. "Na nana, joke's on you ya' Tosser! I don't have any bloody money anyway unless the Watcher wants to cover my end too!"
"Not bloody likely, Pillock!" Giles growled in a perfect imitation of the current beneficiary of his wrath.
"Huh?" Aslan queried. "What's this all about?"
"Ummm…Well, honey…I can call you honey, right?" Xander blushed.
Krac's eyes narrowed suspiciously as Aslan swooned. "Honey?"
"Aslan, don't fall for it! He's trying to pull something over on you!"
"Tell me how that could possibly be a bad thing?"
Across from her Cordy gagged. "Puleeze! When did I cross over into the Twilight Zone! Angel, come. If we're going to continue this let's at least get off the street."
Angel nodded, following her like a little lost puppy…With fangs.
"What was the bet?" Krac glared.
"Umm…That Aslan couldn't go an hour without threatening to end you." Oz replied straight-faced.
"WHAT?" The dark-haired immortal cried, horrified. "How could you?"
Oz shrugged. "I didn't."
"Shut yer yap furball! What's it to you! You don't belong to her so stop trying to sniff her damn butt or whatever it is you dogs do to get a piece!" Spike yelled, stepping forward predatorily.
"And you do?" Oz asked actually managing a facial expression this time.
"Uh, yeah. They share me. Don't you remember that damn purple dinosaur? Sharing's good!" Spike answered.
A shrill voice cut into their argument before it could properly begin. "Are you coming or what?" Cordy yelled from her perch outside the warehouse door.
Before anyone could answer, Krac shrieked "DUCK!" Everyone but Angel's posse immediately hit the ground with no argument.
From the clear, starlit sky above came a scarlet hued thunderbolt. The bolt gravitated almost naturally towards the wide expanse of Angel's leather clad ass; the perfect target.
With a thundering boom Angel found himself in the middle of a deep crater covered by a small body and the most hideous wash of green fabric he had ever encountered. Vomit meets slime, with a pinch of snot. Ug-Lee! He would've thought the figure was an attractive woman until he caught sight of the bad goatee. He immediately kicked the young man off him as he proceeded to stand. The strange group from Sunnydale had at last caught up…Unfortunately.
"Whoo hoo! Nice Ass, Deadboy. You know Krac I thought you'd turned me off of thongs forever, apparently I was wrong." Aslan crowed as she slapped the vampires' ass with glee.
"Are you okay, As?"
"Why?"
"'Cause you're starting to act like me…And It's making me very uncomfortable. Slapping his ass is 'so' something I would do." Krac responded caught between a glare and a frown.
"Oh…Well uh you can still do it if you want. I give you permission." Aslan offered.
Angel glared furiously. "WHAT?"
"Umm…No thanks. Hey, isn't that Nate?"
"Who's Nate? Is that a green dress? Oh, right Nate. Why is he wearing a green dress?" Aslan asked no one in particular.
"Is that a real green dress?" Oz grinned.
"No, not a real green dress that's cruel." Krac replied grinning.
"Barenaked Ladies." Oz nodded in approval.
"WHERE!" Angel, Nate, Giles, Xander, Wesley, and Spike chorused.
"You Americans are cultural retards, aren't you?" Krac sighed disgustedly.
"Well not really Krac, they're just ignorant of Canadian culture…Not really the same thing."
"I take offense to that remark. I am not American!" Giles proclaimed indignantly.
"No, you just got your tea-sipping asses drilled into the ground by them during the revolutionary war. Didn't you see 'The Patriot"? Krac gloated.
"When did you see the Patriot? Did you go back again after we were kicked out that time?"
"Yeah."
"Was it still funny?"
"Yep, even without the trip to the bar beforehand."
"You know we really have some emotional issues…That was not a comedy."
"So, neither was the Exorcist and I peed my pants laughing."
"You two are completely, mind-numbingly fucked. Can you spell psycho?" Cordy snapped.
Krac grinned acidly. "Can you, bankruptcy Barbie?"
Aslan shook her head wearily and turned her attention back to the newest offering from the sky. "Nate, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to stop you. The PTB changed their collective minds, they don't want the vampire dead…but some penance will do him good. They've decided to acknowledge and support your claim on him…for a little while at least."
Krac wrinkled her nose in confusion. "That still doesn't explain why you're here Nate? I mean the PTB could've sent anyone, why you?"
"Well…Ummm…You see…I ummm…I kept asking when the two of you would be back…And ummm…"
"And you generally annoyed the fuck out of them didn't you?"
"Umm…Yeah…And I have your new mission. Also the Leigh sends his regards to you, Aslan." Nate beamed solicitously.
"What about me?" Krac cried wounded. "The Leigh has nothing to say to me?"
"No…But Mrs. Leigh said thanks for the suggestion."
"See I told you. I know the look on a man's face when he's not had sex in awhile. Kind of like the one Nate wears all the time."
Nate glared at Krac, then turned his attention back to the dark-haired woman before him. "I missed you, Aslan."
"That is just soooo sad!" Krac exclaimed, which earned her another glare from the man in the ugly green dress. "By the way Nate that colour really brings out your eyes. Is that lace? What a pretty bow…You know if you put another one in your hair you could give Miss America a run for her money, or maybe Miss Greece."
Nate screamed in rage but Aslan held out a hand to keep the foolish mortal from his kamikaze mission. "Really Nate, you should know better. But really she does have a point, what's up with dress?"
"If it was pink I'd say he got it from Willow's closet." Cordy added helpfully.
"Well, Aslan if it offends you I can take it off." Nate grinned in a parody of seduction. Aslan couldn't tell whether he was really constipated or in the grips of a powerful seizure.
"Okay."
Everyone turned to stare at Angel, as though he had just declared his undying love for Barry Manilow. "Ummm…I think not." Nate replied disturbed by the lewdness of the vampires gaze, now he knew how women felt when he stared at their breasts for ten minutes at a time. "You know I'm guy right?"
"Yes." Angel replied breathily. "I've slept with Buffy I'm into all kinds of things."
"'e's right about that Mate." Spike shuddered involuntarily.
"Aslan, does this remind you of anything?" Krac whispered into her partners ear.
"Oh dear god I hope not!"
"Yeah, that time in Australia, remember when that kangaroo followed me around the outback for two months."
"That kangaroo was not following you."
"I thought we agreed the kangaroo followed me, damn it! Remember the spell causes the first animated thing you touch to fall completely, hopelessly in love with you."
"Yeah, I get it but I maintain that kangaroo was not following you. I was there. I had to physically restrain you from hopping in it's damn pouch among other more unseemly activities…" Aslan chided gently.
"Okay, bitch. I will end you!" Krac cried glaring at Aslan.
"Love spell? What the hell are you talking about?" Nate cried horrified.
"The PTB obviously believed you needed more in the way of punishment than that dress. Welcome to the next two months of your life as the object of lust of a very amorous vampire. I recommend you start eating a lot of garlic, hell I'd be wearing it around my neck…And bathing in holy water…"
Nate's face went from pale to Angel's complexion, as he uttered a terrified. "Eeep!"
Spike grinned as he turned to Oz. "Sounds like Wolfboy when the big mutt is around."
"God, can we take this inside now or what? I'm getting cold." Cordy grumbled. "Angel come."
"Ewww…I hope not." Krac groaned as Nate flinched.
"Deadboy, inside." Aslan ordered as the vampire continued to stare at the guy in the green dress.
"You are so beautiful." Angel whispered to Nate as the young man shrieked and jumped into Aslan's arms.
Stay tuned kiddies. Same gerbil place, same gerbil time.
For the next episode of Aslan and Krac's adventures in 'Joss'land!
Sequel/Series: Sequel to 'When All Else Fails' second in the series 'Aslan and Krac's adventures in Jossland'
Title: Take Axe Break Glass
Author: Aslan and Krac
E-mail: aslan_g@lycos.com, Krac_Babee@lycos.com
Rating: R
Summary: Roadtrip to L.A. results in fun and horror.
Disclaimer: We don't own any of the BTVS Characters, Joss Whedon, The WB and Mutant Enemy own them. We only own the story, and anything we make up along the way.
Distribution: If you take it let us know so we can go visit…When the gerbils and the men with the little white coats and the big bottle of pills let us out to play.
Feedback: Does Riley "love" Bessie…Laws Yes.
Spoilers: Have you ever read anything we've ever written? We're so far off from the show that we don't just have an alternate universe, we have an alternate solar system.
Authors Note: We'd like to reiterate this is a sillyfic. Written entirely for fun. We mean you no harm…It's just strange things have the tendency to happen when Krac comes home for the weekend. And when this fic was started we'd spent 48 hours together…Add in Pepsi, Dorito's, Combos and Whippersnapple and wackiness ensues. Just a warning next year we might be roomates, along with Tam the grammar goddess… that could be very, very bad…But extremely fun! Anyway, the opinions expressed in the following fanfic are those of two socially repressed writer's who plan to inflict yet more painful drivel from our diseased minds upon you in the future. Not a turgid soap opera but close. A third episode is in the works until then praise us as we so richly deserve.
Also revisions of PWF 11-13 will be out tonight and 14 will be out soon.
Luv ya all and a happy birthday to 'thewhitenight'ers ! The list was one year old yesterday! To Krac, Diedra and Mash who remember Dustangel. Thanks for hanging around! Consider this your birthday present. Thanks and lots of Love to everyone.
1
2
3 Break Glass, Take Axe
11:57 p.m. Los Angeles Calif. U.S.A.
Outside a seemingly nondescript warehouse the zebra print van stood out like a sore thumb. Cordelia sighed in disgust. "Why is Oz just sitting out there? Why doesn't he come in?"
"Are you quite sure it's Oz?" Wesley queried not looking up from the latest tome of doom.
"You're right Wes, the roads are absolutely crowded with zebra striped vans with 'kiss me I'm a lycanthrope' bumper stickers nowadays." Cordelia responded with her patented 'you're a moron' eyeroll.
"I saw that Cordelia." Wesley intoned nose still buried in his book.
"What?" Cordy responded all innocence.
If it had been possible Angel would have sighed in disgust. Why did he have to get stuck with these two for sidekicks? "Quit it! I'll settle this once and for all!" The king of brood grabbed his ever-present leather jacket and headed out the door.
************************************************************
"It's your turn." Aslan barked fiercely.
"Ex-squeeze me? Nuh –uh! I got them last time!" Krac responded.
"When was last time?"
"Umm…Last time. With the waiting and the doing nothing…Remember the waiting?" Krac fidgeted. "You pinned my mittens to my chest while my hands were still in them. Any lower and I would have had the first woolen nipple ring!"
"That would be of the bad." Oz piped up.
"Hey, you just met her! Try spending 72 hours trapped alone in a 1987 Chevette with her, where she can't talk! She's lucky I only pinned her hands down and didn't just cut them off!" Aslan began to turn a lovely shade of red as she mimicked some of Krac's more elaborate hand gestures.
It was too late Krac was already ignoring her for the guitarist and Spike who was sprawled rather invitingly across Xander and Giles sleeping in the back of the van and as far away from the hellhounds as they could get. The younger immortal reached out a quick hand and pulled Oz towards her. Aslan didn't know which made a larger slurping noise the two of them or Zeus trying to drink out of the toilet. Luckily she didn't care. She was tired and there were three very attractive pillows in the back that she was going to fall into-coffee and doughnuts be damned. Besides these bloody Americans didn't even know what a Tim Horton's was let alone have one!
The three men all curled around each other were so temptingly sweet she needed to take advantage of it now before they woke up and realized just where they were and what they were doing. Leaving Krac to her 'Wolfie'; Aslan wrapped herself around her Xandershaped pillow and laid Spike's head across her lap. Ah, small confined spaces weren't that bad after all.
As a blanket of comfort finally descended upon the occupants of the van someone began to hammer on the backdoors with inhuman strength. Immediately, the three sleeping men jumped up; knocking Aslan into Zeus and an unwelcome tongue bath. Oh, somebody was gonna die tonight. Her feelings were obviously echoed by Spike who screamed as he knocked his head against the roof of the van in his haste to stand. "Bloody hell!"
Instantly the knocking stopped and the back doors squealed as they were ripped from the hinges. A pair of dark eyes burning with hate stared balefully into the darkened interior of the van. "SPIKE!" Angel roared.
"So much for that whole stealth thing, huh?" Xander blinked sleepily.
Unfortunately the souled vampire didn't take time to notice the other occupants of the van and launched himself at Spike. "DADDY!!!" Spike squealed. "I knew you loved me!"
Angel barely registered the words and his response was little more than a grunt. Ignoring the small space he began to pummel his Childe. Suddenly a tire iron was smashed down upon his left arm with bone breaking force. As the bone exploded Angel looked up into a pair of cold brown eyes. "I've ALWAYS wanted to do that." Xander grinned.
"Xander? What are you doing here?" Angel gasped.
"Kicking your ass!" Xander glowered as the tire iron swung again. Unfortunately this time Angel was ready for it, his fist connected just below Xander's jaw throwing the dark haired mortal into the side of the van.
If Aslan were able to move-Angel would have been dust faster than he could blink. Her scream of rage echoed inside the small space as she tried valiantly to crawl out from under the pile of bodies weighing her down. But at the bottom of a small human and canine pyramid she couldn't do anything but watch as Angel approached Xander menacingly.
"Krac!" Aslan screamed pleadingly.
"You didn't answer my question, Xander. What are you doing here with Spike? And Giles? And Oz? With Spike?" Angel cried wearing an expression reminiscent of the late Riley Finn on a particularly stupid day.
A cool voice spoke from behind him. Strong and confidant with a touch of menace that left Angel's borrowed blood cold. It was a bad voice…One that spoke of death and the joys of inflicting pain. Aslan grinned from the bottom of her pile. Xander was safe. She knew that voice well having incurred its wrath many times over the last millennia of her existence. It was Krac's 'I'm extremely pissed off and I'm going to kill you' voice.
Krac glared darkly at the brooding poof. "Back away, Deadboy."
Angel quickly obeyed rather fearfully, while he sized up his new enemy because that was what this strange woman was now. She had killing eyes, but moved with incredible tenderness towards the fallen mortal. She quickly checked him for any wounds, periodically casting venomous glares at Angel over her shoulder as she worked, muttering about undead assholes the whole time.
When she was quite sure that Xander was bruised but otherwise fine she prepared to move him to the front of the van so she could properly take care of their if not uninvited at least unwanted guest.
Krac glared at Angel as she pulled Xander into her arms and lifted the mortal from the van. "STAY." She growled. Angel flinched and nodded his assent like a good little pet vampire.
Xander rested his head against Krac's shoulder grinning despite the pain and the blood. "It was worth it. Thanks."
Krac grinned. "Just call me Tinkerbell, spreading happiness and making dreams come true all over the world. And I'm sure if you moan a little bit more Aslan will make even those X-rated dreams come true, later."
"You think?" Xander perked up a little.
"I've known her since Atlantis was lost it's a sure bet. She's got a soft spot for the wounded and needy. Remind me to tell you what a bitch the battle of Troy was, and God forbid you mention the Ides of March or she'll start crying louder than the last time we watched 'The Green Mile.'" Krac answered as she deposited her charge into the front seat beside Oz. "Now if you'll excuse me I have an ass-kicking to render."
Walking slowly around the back of the van, Krac smiled and motioned for Angel to meet her on the sidewalk. Instead of waiting for him to catch up to her, she moved forward drawing back her right leg and kicked him squarely in his nether regions. "Oomph!" Angel gasped as waves of pain radiated from his groin and he tried to stay on his feet swaying in the breeze.
"Did that hurt?" Krac asked gleefully.
The vampire reddened and took several unnecessary cleansing breaths. "Guess not," Krac shrugged and kicked him again dropping him to the ground, "I'll just have to do it till it does then."
"Why?" Angel grunted, "Why are you dong this? You know Buffy won't let you do this to me!"
Laughter rang out on the cool night air. "Buffy? The vapid blonde necrophillial whore? You know I could insult her all day and never get tired of it. Do you really think she's going to rush in here and save you?" Krac slapped Angel across the face.
"Yes, I do," Angel heaved wondering how such a small person got so vicious or strong for that matter.
"Sorry to disappoint, Dead boy. No offence Spike dear!" she pushed back one of the dark red streaks in her blonde hair.
A quiet voice answered from the van, "None taken Love."
"Anyway Deadboy the only way that whore is going to save you is if she gets a round trip ticket out of hell," Krac's maniacal grin widened, "She's deader than you are! And it's only been about oh, two hours since I snapped her traitorous neck."
Something snapped inside of Angel, his vampire face appeared and he launched himself at the young woman who was taunting him. "Buffy!" the pain in his voice was unmistakeable-he would definitely be brooding for an extra hundred years now.
Krac flipped backwards away from his frenzied attack but the enraged vampire ran for her once more. Her hands darted like little cobras in and out of his defenses. Getting tired of the lopsided sparring match the immortal jumped up delicately turning in the air to bring her foot to Angel's whiny mouth. "If you're not careful I'll rip your fangs out with a pair of rusty pliers and wear them around my neck!" the vampire rolled over limply and stared up into her dark countenance.
Heavily, she placed her foot over his throat pinning him to the ground. A winning smile passed over her face as she pulled out a nice sharp stake, "Didn't your mommy tell you not to piss people with sharp pieces of wood off?"
Krac leaned inwards and pulled back her arm to stake the pathetic vampire. The stake had just grazed his skin when a cry rang out in the night, "No stop!! I own his ass!"
"What?" Spike cried, incredibly disappointed. Why?"
"He broke the first rule of supernatural law. You do not touch what belongs to another! Xander has been claimed, you touched what was not yours to play with, Vampire…Now, I own your ass to do with what I please." Aslan pronounced angrily.
"Ewww! Do you really want to be touching that after Bunny? God knows what she's left behind on him! And he's too big to dip in Purell!" Krac squealed leaning against the van.
"Who said anything about touching him…At least not with my hands anyway." Aslan replied. "And I'm not talking about my tongue either!" She snapped furiously as she tossed a glare towards Krac and Spike who were both seemingly preparing to speak.
"Oh." Spike replied disappointed for the second time in as many minutes. "Understood, then."
Angel gaped at the fiery brunette before him. "I didn't know. You can't hold me responsible, he broke my arm with a tire iron I acted only in self defense."
"Vampire against mortal, no matter the weapon those are not fair odds." Krac inserted with a pretty smile.
"I was only concerned for their safety, Spike is dangerous! Besides I would never really hurt Xander, he's a friend!" Angel cried.
A small explosion echoed from inside the van where Xander and Spike both began laughing at the same time. "Friend!" Xander snorted, between gales of nearly uncontrollable laughter. "Friend?" Spike and Oz were almost overcome with merriment as Giles watched their behavior chagrined. "You dangerous?" Xander sniggered pointing gaily at Spike. "You can't even get it up to bite a gerbil!" Immediately Spike stopped laughing, glaring daggers at the dark haired mortal as he continued to laugh.
"Hey, we want to keep this supernatural 'Brady bunch' rolling so no fighting, kids!" Krac glared breaking her eyes away from the confrontation between Aslan and Angel to nip the new argument in the bud.
"But…" Spike whined. "He's emasculating me, Ducks! You don't want an emasculated Spike on your hands do you?"
"There's a difference?" Xander quipped. Spike nearly screamed in rage as he launched himself at the dark haired mortal. Then he was screaming… in agony as the pain from the chip flared in his head before he'd more than set hands on the boy. And he wasn't the only one. Oz in his rush to remove the only barrier between Spike and Xander-his body jumped over the back of the seat cleanly kicking Giles in the head and knocking the Watcher's glasses off and into the back of the van.
"Don't make me come back there!" Krac growled.
"Sorry…" Came the suddenly angelic chorus from the front of the van as Giles groaned in disgust, demanding that the boys help him find his now missing glasses.
With that resolved Krac turned her attention back to the confrontation on the street. Aslan opened her mouth to pronounce judgement upon the vampire dazedly watching her from his place on the ground when a crossbow bolt suddenly materialized in the middle of her chest.
Krac gaped at the sight, as Aslan deftly removed the bolt with practiced ease. "Damn it Krac, that's the only shirt I have!"
"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Krac shrieked waving her empty hands in the air.
"Then find out who did!"
"You don't have to look very far, I'm right here." Cordy exclaimed, standing proudly in a corny Xenaesque pose not far away, with Wesley as her only back up. "And step away from the vampire, now!"
Krac snorted derisively. "Hey look everyone it's Giles jr. and the new improved gold-digger Barbie doll with the kung-fu grip. Oohhh, I'm scared!"
Aslan glared still holding the crossbow bolt that had recently impaled her, glaring at the two newcomers. "I know we can't die but that really fucking stings. The next person to do that will be promoted to the top of my shitlist and that is definitely somewhere you do not want to be!"
"You mean someone would move ahead of me?"
"Yep." Aslan grunted, still glaring.
"Cool. Besides bitca-barbie, nobody shoots her immortal ass but me. Just like spandex it's a privilege not a right!" Krac growled.
"Now, now…There's no need for violence here, I'm sure we can talk this through in a civilized manner, we're not animals after all." Wesley waxed philosophically.
Aslan caught Krac's eye and smirked theatrically. "Well I can't speak for all of us…but as for violence…I'm not the one who opened fire on a complete stranger without even knowing what species they were! I could've been a mortal, Missy! Then were would you be? On your way to San Quentin and that hot date with big Bertha in the E-block shower!"
"Nah, I woulda killed her…"
"Really?" Aslan cried.
"Duh, yeah…Please that'd be like Riley turning down a night with Bessie the cow. Besides as I said before nobody shoots you but me…It's an expression of my love."
"Shooting me is an expression of love?"
"I never claimed I wasn't dysfunctional, besides I watch a lot of Jerry Springer."
"Right, umm…Krac go disarm the bitch before she puts anymore holes in my shirt."
"Right." Krac shrugged heading for Cordy and the offending crossbow, which was now pointing in her direction rather than at her partner. As Cordy moved to depress the trigger Krac caught her hand in a punishing grip. "Now, now we'll be having none of that." When the pressure became too much Cordy yelped and stepped backwards skewering Wesley's foot with her stiletto heels causing the staid Englishman to scream in agony.
Krac giggled maliciously, as she took hold of the crossbow crushing the stalk with her bare hands. "You ever get the idea that the PTB are undervaluing our services? I mean, this isn't work…These are mercy killings for crying out loud, I feel like Dr. Kevorkian…with better hair of course."
"Yeah, If this gets any easier I'll have to go back to my job in the Senate just to get my brain some exercise." Aslan retorted.
Aslan was jerked back to the present when something shifted beneath her foot. It was the vampire, with her foot still wedged tightly against his throat. He obviously had something on his mind. "What?" She queried innocently.
He proceeded to mime admirably, gesturing for her to remove her foot so he could speak. With an expression reminiscent of Krac after being woken up at five a.m. "Speak up, Luv. I'm no good at charades." Aslan barked, grinning wolfishly.
Cordy harrumphed angrily. "He. Wants. You. To. Take. Your. Foot. Off. His. Throat."
"Huh, what's it like to want?" Krac grinned.
"Really?" Aslan responded innocently. "Do you want me to take 'my foot' off your throat, Angel?"
The vampire nodded emphatically.
"Hmmm…I told you I was no good at charades, is that a yes?"
Angel kept nodding.
"Krac do you think that was a yes?"
"No, I think that was code for 'please, please kick me in the balls now.' I'd feel just awful if I didn't comply with the wishes of a dead-man. Your foots busy, so I'll volunteer mine and my steel toed boots…Might as well make it good. Right Angel?" Krac grinned as Angel hurriedly curled into the foetal position as memories of the last meeting between Krac's boots and his groin came rushing back to overwhelm his consciousness.
"I think I scared Sir Broods A Lot, it's good to know I've still got it!" Krac laughed skipping merrily.
"Ohhh, for Chrissakes are you two morons. Angel go 'grrr' and kill them already!" Cordelia whined noisily.
"Not bloodly likely! Y'stupid Chit…They're 'IMMORTAL'…Crikey where the hell did they find you, at the bottom of the river?"
"Well that would explain where all those missing brain cells disappeared to." Aslan answered back.
"Actually, I have my own theory about that. I think the initiative tried to split half a cheerleaders brain between you and Muffy, as you can see it was a runaway success just like it's other projects." Krac drawled, with enough sarcasm in her voice to spring a leak in Cordy's breast implants.
"Bite me!" Cordy flounced pouting, looking to Wesley for reassurance.
"Rather ironic phrase considering who she works for don't you think?" Krac grinned as she caught Aslan's eye.
"If possible I think things are kinkier here than in some sections of Amsterdam. I don't want to know who he bites or why, I was dragged into Muffy's twisted little predilections but I refuse to allow my fragile little mind to be further corrupted by these freaks of evolution." Aslan grumbled releasing Angel and kicking him to his feet.
"Your mind is neither little nor fragile, and as for it's corruption…how long have we been working together now? My dear, you are corrupted, wholly and completely bankrupt. No, ifs, ands or Spike's really cute butt about it!"
Aslan groaned. Then turned her dark gaze toward the dark-haired vampire before her. "Vampire," Aslan commanded coldly. "We'd like to go inside now."
"Yeah, I've had to use the facilities for quite some time now and the casino we stopped at wouldn't let me in because I didn't have the proper I.D."
"It's not my fault you forgot your passport and It's not my problem that you couldn't manage to pass for an eighty year old black woman. I told you it was all in the walk but when do you ever listen to me!" Xander cried.
"Yes, Xander. How stupid of me…All it takes to pass oneself off as another culture, race and gender is learning to walk differently."
Xander grinned. "It's not Xander, its Ming Tao Ting, remember?"
"You're insane aren't you?" Oz laughed softly.
"Indubitably." Xander grinned.
"Are you taking the old man's dictionaries into the bathroom again?" Spike pouted.
"Excuse me? My dictionaries…in the bathroom? Xander, please tell me that's not true!" Giles cried, disgust warring with horror shining from his face.
"It's not…And…Why was Spike going into the bathroom with your encyclopedia demonica, huh? We both know there's only one reason why he'd need to go into your bathroom…Well, okay two but I definitely don't think he was using the shower!"
"Oooh Pet, you wound me! I thought we had an understanding!" Spike cried as Giles turned from red to a shocking blue, as the man seemed to stop breathing completely. Spike didn't even bother to wait for Giles to gather his breath as he knew what was coming. He had just cleared the back doors of the van as Giles voice echoed from within at the force of the Watcher's scream. "SPIKE!"
Within seconds the van had emptied, Spike was hiding behind Cordelia and Giles was shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs as Oz and Xander laughed themselves silly leaning against the back of the van.
"Ummm…Okay, guys what did I miss? Why has the Fruitloop gone Cocoa Crispy?"
"Giles found out Spike did naughty things with his books. He's a little upset."
"Spike…Aren't we keeping you busy enough? Well, I guess we'll have to rectify that situation, now won't we?" Krac purred.
"RECTIFY!" Xander giggled turning to Oz, who began to laugh even harder at the expression on the young man's face.
"What?" Krac mused, confused as Aslan began to giggle along.
"Rectify?" Aslan gasped.
"God, Xander act your age not your shoe size." Cordelia griped.
"You know his shoe size? What is it? What is it? Aslan never let's me play with her new toys!" Krac cried.
"What is it with the shoe size thing?" Xander questioned curiously.
"It's umm…It's something…Umm…Krac's mother taught us on a 'very long' trip to the magical kingdom of Marmora." Aslan grinned and turned to face Krac. "I thought you were going to try to crawl right through your seat to get away."
"Ha ha. But the day your mom starts telling you what positions are more pleasurable is the day you'll understand damn it! It's not right I tell you!"
Aslan shuddered. "Bite your tongue! My mother is older than the pyramids, even if you sat her down with copies of 'the Karma Sutra' and a medical dictionary, I hope to god she wouldn't know what to do!"
"Aslan, you're the youngest of a hundred siblings I think she knows what to do!"
"GAH! The pain, the pain. Bitch, I will end you for placing that bad, bad image in my brain! Take it out!"
"Spike you owe me twenty bucks, You too G-man." Xander grinned.
"Bloody Wanker!" Spike growled, but then magically brightened. "Na nana, joke's on you ya' Tosser! I don't have any bloody money anyway unless the Watcher wants to cover my end too!"
"Not bloody likely, Pillock!" Giles growled in a perfect imitation of the current beneficiary of his wrath.
"Huh?" Aslan queried. "What's this all about?"
"Ummm…Well, honey…I can call you honey, right?" Xander blushed.
Krac's eyes narrowed suspiciously as Aslan swooned. "Honey?"
"Aslan, don't fall for it! He's trying to pull something over on you!"
"Tell me how that could possibly be a bad thing?"
Across from her Cordy gagged. "Puleeze! When did I cross over into the Twilight Zone! Angel, come. If we're going to continue this let's at least get off the street."
Angel nodded, following her like a little lost puppy…With fangs.
"What was the bet?" Krac glared.
"Umm…That Aslan couldn't go an hour without threatening to end you." Oz replied straight-faced.
"WHAT?" The dark-haired immortal cried, horrified. "How could you?"
Oz shrugged. "I didn't."
"Shut yer yap furball! What's it to you! You don't belong to her so stop trying to sniff her damn butt or whatever it is you dogs do to get a piece!" Spike yelled, stepping forward predatorily.
"And you do?" Oz asked actually managing a facial expression this time.
"Uh, yeah. They share me. Don't you remember that damn purple dinosaur? Sharing's good!" Spike answered.
A shrill voice cut into their argument before it could properly begin. "Are you coming or what?" Cordy yelled from her perch outside the warehouse door.
Before anyone could answer, Krac shrieked "DUCK!" Everyone but Angel's posse immediately hit the ground with no argument.
From the clear, starlit sky above came a scarlet hued thunderbolt. The bolt gravitated almost naturally towards the wide expanse of Angel's leather clad ass; the perfect target.
With a thundering boom Angel found himself in the middle of a deep crater covered by a small body and the most hideous wash of green fabric he had ever encountered. Vomit meets slime, with a pinch of snot. Ug-Lee! He would've thought the figure was an attractive woman until he caught sight of the bad goatee. He immediately kicked the young man off him as he proceeded to stand. The strange group from Sunnydale had at last caught up…Unfortunately.
"Whoo hoo! Nice Ass, Deadboy. You know Krac I thought you'd turned me off of thongs forever, apparently I was wrong." Aslan crowed as she slapped the vampires' ass with glee.
"Are you okay, As?"
"Why?"
"'Cause you're starting to act like me…And It's making me very uncomfortable. Slapping his ass is 'so' something I would do." Krac responded caught between a glare and a frown.
"Oh…Well uh you can still do it if you want. I give you permission." Aslan offered.
Angel glared furiously. "WHAT?"
"Umm…No thanks. Hey, isn't that Nate?"
"Who's Nate? Is that a green dress? Oh, right Nate. Why is he wearing a green dress?" Aslan asked no one in particular.
"Is that a real green dress?" Oz grinned.
"No, not a real green dress that's cruel." Krac replied grinning.
"Barenaked Ladies." Oz nodded in approval.
"WHERE!" Angel, Nate, Giles, Xander, Wesley, and Spike chorused.
"You Americans are cultural retards, aren't you?" Krac sighed disgustedly.
"Well not really Krac, they're just ignorant of Canadian culture…Not really the same thing."
"I take offense to that remark. I am not American!" Giles proclaimed indignantly.
"No, you just got your tea-sipping asses drilled into the ground by them during the revolutionary war. Didn't you see 'The Patriot"? Krac gloated.
"When did you see the Patriot? Did you go back again after we were kicked out that time?"
"Yeah."
"Was it still funny?"
"Yep, even without the trip to the bar beforehand."
"You know we really have some emotional issues…That was not a comedy."
"So, neither was the Exorcist and I peed my pants laughing."
"You two are completely, mind-numbingly fucked. Can you spell psycho?" Cordy snapped.
Krac grinned acidly. "Can you, bankruptcy Barbie?"
Aslan shook her head wearily and turned her attention back to the newest offering from the sky. "Nate, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to stop you. The PTB changed their collective minds, they don't want the vampire dead…but some penance will do him good. They've decided to acknowledge and support your claim on him…for a little while at least."
Krac wrinkled her nose in confusion. "That still doesn't explain why you're here Nate? I mean the PTB could've sent anyone, why you?"
"Well…Ummm…You see…I ummm…I kept asking when the two of you would be back…And ummm…"
"And you generally annoyed the fuck out of them didn't you?"
"Umm…Yeah…And I have your new mission. Also the Leigh sends his regards to you, Aslan." Nate beamed solicitously.
"What about me?" Krac cried wounded. "The Leigh has nothing to say to me?"
"No…But Mrs. Leigh said thanks for the suggestion."
"See I told you. I know the look on a man's face when he's not had sex in awhile. Kind of like the one Nate wears all the time."
Nate glared at Krac, then turned his attention back to the dark-haired woman before him. "I missed you, Aslan."
"That is just soooo sad!" Krac exclaimed, which earned her another glare from the man in the ugly green dress. "By the way Nate that colour really brings out your eyes. Is that lace? What a pretty bow…You know if you put another one in your hair you could give Miss America a run for her money, or maybe Miss Greece."
Nate screamed in rage but Aslan held out a hand to keep the foolish mortal from his kamikaze mission. "Really Nate, you should know better. But really she does have a point, what's up with dress?"
"If it was pink I'd say he got it from Willow's closet." Cordy added helpfully.
"Well, Aslan if it offends you I can take it off." Nate grinned in a parody of seduction. Aslan couldn't tell whether he was really constipated or in the grips of a powerful seizure.
"Okay."
Everyone turned to stare at Angel, as though he had just declared his undying love for Barry Manilow. "Ummm…I think not." Nate replied disturbed by the lewdness of the vampires gaze, now he knew how women felt when he stared at their breasts for ten minutes at a time. "You know I'm guy right?"
"Yes." Angel replied breathily. "I've slept with Buffy I'm into all kinds of things."
"'e's right about that Mate." Spike shuddered involuntarily.
"Aslan, does this remind you of anything?" Krac whispered into her partners ear.
"Oh dear god I hope not!"
"Yeah, that time in Australia, remember when that kangaroo followed me around the outback for two months."
"That kangaroo was not following you."
"I thought we agreed the kangaroo followed me, damn it! Remember the spell causes the first animated thing you touch to fall completely, hopelessly in love with you."
"Yeah, I get it but I maintain that kangaroo was not following you. I was there. I had to physically restrain you from hopping in it's damn pouch among other more unseemly activities…" Aslan chided gently.
"Okay, bitch. I will end you!" Krac cried glaring at Aslan.
"Love spell? What the hell are you talking about?" Nate cried horrified.
"The PTB obviously believed you needed more in the way of punishment than that dress. Welcome to the next two months of your life as the object of lust of a very amorous vampire. I recommend you start eating a lot of garlic, hell I'd be wearing it around my neck…And bathing in holy water…"
Nate's face went from pale to Angel's complexion, as he uttered a terrified. "Eeep!"
Spike grinned as he turned to Oz. "Sounds like Wolfboy when the big mutt is around."
"God, can we take this inside now or what? I'm getting cold." Cordy grumbled. "Angel come."
"Ewww…I hope not." Krac groaned as Nate flinched.
"Deadboy, inside." Aslan ordered as the vampire continued to stare at the guy in the green dress.
"You are so beautiful." Angel whispered to Nate as the young man shrieked and jumped into Aslan's arms.
Stay tuned kiddies. Same gerbil place, same gerbil time.
For the next episode of Aslan and Krac's adventures in 'Joss'land!