A new start
it doesn't always mean a new beginning
I should have had mine
it came up short
all those people
they were going to be my friends
or so i thought
Being me would make them like me
I could finally be accepted by my piers
or so I thought
Once my best friend left I could survive
darkness wouldn't fill my every pore
I won't be controlled by my misery
or so I thought
I wouldn't fall into my depression further
I won't succumb to all of this
i am bigger than all those who are against me
or so I thought
Then i came here
nothing would change
there would still be a wall around me
or so I thought
My protector would never leave me
all these friends wouldn't last
or so I thought
The loving hand that i got a hold of
it will only depart
leave me like the others
or so I thought
everyone here will leave me
I'll be all alone again
that's how it always works
or so i thought
Yet every day I come here
look around
I can't help but think
why are all of you still here
you guys couldn't possibly be different from the rest.
or so i thought.
As much as i fight you
I know that you too will leave
only when i believe you will stay
and i was right.
So if you ever come back
the door will be locked
and you won't waste time
to kick it down
or so i thought.
Courtney's POV
I set the notebook down on the table opened the drawer, and opened the lock box with the key that I had around my neck. I locked the notebook away and laid back down in bed, wiping the tears from my eyes. A long time ago writing helped calm me when I didn't know where to turn. I would write when I first realised there were very few people who actually were found of me on the show. I would put my feeling down on paper so i didn't have to interact with anyone. When I realised I had began develop a crush on Duncan. I wrote down everything I needed to say to anyone, yet never had the strength to say. I've always been weak that way. Even now i scribble away in that book trying to form words to follow a thought. Yet these days all my thoughts bragged together and i wrote without thinking, I used to re-read my work at times like this, to see what I had really been thinking under all my confusion. Yet my thoughts have been growing darker as the days grow on. By this point reading my thoughts drags me down even further into my dark pit.
Most days I find myself playing cat lady for hours, comparing myself to mrs. Susan Ashworth. She doesn't seem to fit her own profile though, she should be much more chipper. I feel as if I have more of a reason to be down. Everyday is the same now that the show has ended. Get up, make coffee, have breakfast with mom, go to school, come home, write for a while, lay down and wipe the days tears away before going to work and finishing my homework. no difference. no variation. just day after day. all i want is a variation, a jump from day to day. I want to feel that way again, feel that joy again. I want to see him again.
some of the pages in the notebooks were written in red, all those pages were tear stained. she had written these in the days right after Duncan had left her.
3 days after
Only a few people know
know how it feels
to be depressed
its hard to describe
its not just feeling low
Hurt everyday
its like being caught under the waters of life
though its not the tides that are holding you down
there are people
people holding you down
the last breath slips out
your breath
your air
it is your hope
now its gone
that not even the painful part
the pain is in what you see
while your drowning you look around
you see everyone
everyone else grew gills
they can breathe
they found the secret to life
the secret to happiness
so you close your eyes
let yourself sink
let yourself drown
maybe there will be peace
peace in death
5 days
You were my knight
you came to rescue me
then you beat me down and left
so now
Fuck you
The rest of that page had become so sodden with tears that it was obvious the writer had become so emotional while writing she ended up sobbing into the page to the point were she couldn't continue.
6 days
m sorry
Thats all you have to say
after all those times
that you said you loved me
all the times you said you'd never hurt me
Now i'm no longer your little princess
you are no longer my prince charming
and your no longer my knight in shining armor
now your on your knees
begging for forgiveness
begging for me
when you were the one who left me
you didn't care then
so why do you now
I always wanted you to be pleading me
but I'm sorry
next time ill try to find someone who actually treats me well
My phone vibrates 3 times before it fell off my table. i stood to pick it up. the battery had fallen out so i put it back in, turned in on and waited for the message to come up. It was a blank message from a blocked number. With a small laugh I walked out onto the balcony I stood on the ledge thinking, let there be no more pain. From my 12th floor apartment i could see everyone walking by. "goodbye" I whispered closing my eyes.
Only a few people know
know how it feels
to be depressed
its hard to describe
its not just feeling low
Hurt everyday
its like being caught under the waters of life
though its not the tides that are holding you down
there are people
people holding you down
the last breath slips out
your breath
your air
it is your hope
now its gone
that not even the painful part
the pain is in what you see
while your drowning you look around
you see everyone
everyone else grew gills
they can breathe
they found the secret to life
the secret to happiness
so you close your eyes
let yourself sink
let yourself drown
maybe there will be peace
peace in death
The phone rang again, another message.
From: Duncan
Please come down stairs, I'm out side.
ILYSM.
So today was different.