I should be asleep right now, that would be the logical thing to be doing, but nothing I do is logical anymore. It seems silly whenever I think about it during the day, but when night hits, all of that sensibility is gone. I know what I'm risking. There's detention, loss of points for Gryffindor, even expulsion. But there's only one repercussion I'm even a bit worried about, and that's him finding out. He already thinks I'm disgusting, and that makes me want to just curl up and die sometimes, and there are days where I wonder if everything I do is worth it, because if he found out he would hate me even more. I don't think I could bear to stand that.

There's only one thing that keeps me doing what I do every night. He is so beautiful when he sleeps.

This isn't the right way to be in love, and I know it. It isn't right that I pretend to be interested in Dean when really all I am thinking about all the time is him. It isn't right that I've been stealing ingredients for months from Snape to make the cloaking potion. It isn't right that I am lying to myself, falsely believing that he may one day decide to sweep me off my feet into the sunset.

I want to take it even further, because even sneaking into his dormitory at night to watch him sleep isn't enough any more. I tried to explain it to Hermione once, pretending I was talking about Dean, trying to tell her that I loved someone so much that it hurt inside, that I was being ripped slowly apart with the force of it. She didn't understand, and I'm pretty sure she's now convinced that I'm a little off it.

The worst thing is, I don't care. Maybe I am going a bit crazy. Unless he starts to care, it doesn't matter much anyway. I do sound crazy, but it's what I feel. Nothing matters much to me, I just can't make it seem important after he walks into a room. I literally can not take my eyes off of him. When he left for the winter holidays I spent two full weeks crying up in my dormitory, coming out only for meals and to tell people that I wasn't feeling well.

I may only be fifteen. I may not be ready to be in love. But I am. I am in love with someone that I am not allowed to go near unless nobody can see me. And I am sick of it. I want him to know. I need him to know.

Tonight, I'm going to wake him up.