Disclaimer: I own nothing
"Hi, Nick." Roger greeted with me when I came up to him. Again he had found out a new place to hang out. I had no idea from where he got the money only to invite me to all the new fanciest restaurants. I had never paid for myself because Roger was always faster in giving tips. I wanted to talk with him about that he did not need to do it. But he was stubborn as a mule.
"I hope you will like the new place." He said and smiled widely. "Opened last week."
Roger tapped my arm. Sometimes I really hated his attitude to impress me. It was artificial and forced. Of course I should think differently. The creation of an impression was a way to show me his true feelings. I knew Roger's past and how important it was for him to give me his attention, presents, invitantions to places where I had never been. It was so clear that I needed to appreciate his endeavors. But I could not. It was harder with everyday. I was sure that he noticed it, so that was the reason to invite me to the new restaurant in Vegas. Roger wanted to repair and understand my own behavior.
We walked up to a big hall. The waiter showed us our table and gave us menus. I looked around a little bit. It was definitely the most expensive restaurant Roger had taken me to. Again I wanted to say that he did not need to do such a things for me. But his grin stopped my words. In his eyes I saw a mirror of intensive white lights from the decorative lamps on the walls and the big lusters hanging from the white ceiling.
"I know what you want to say." On his face was a little smile. "So I'll tell you my dear Nicky the answer."
I did not like when he called me my dear. My mom can call my dad that but not my lover me. This time I was not in the mood to tell Roger again how much I hated it. That would change into the lover's teasing which was starting to be more and more annoying for me.
"Everything the best for you, Nicky." His voice was soft and sweet. From this moment I knew that Roger spotted something in my beahviour. And I was afraid what. Something concrete? Or maybe only a small signs of change?
"So..." Roger opened his menu. "What does my baby have a taste for?" He usually have been glancing at me when he said baby. But not this time. Roger pretended to be reading the menu. "Let me guess, steak with..." I gazed at his face. It was so easy to see in his eyes that something was wrong. The scariest thing was that I did not want to comfort him, say that everything was OK, no need for worry. It was wrong. Wrong for him. Maybe for me too. I was somewhere between curiosity, certainty and a lack of self confidence.
"You're right." I said with my normal tone. I am not a good actor but for this moment I was trying really hard to hide my uncertainty. "Like always." I added just to see him smiling.
Why did I still want to lie to Roger? His sweet face expression made me smile too. My mask worked.
I was not sure. I was not sure of everything that had happened in last few days. Actually, who I want to kid? Myself? Love at the first sight was a stupid myth in which I had never believed. But when I met...
"Gentlemen." The waiter said. "What do you want to order?"
Roger made a decision about what we would eat tonight. I did not mind it. He knew me very well. Maybe now too well. Again he smiled at me. A nice and warm smile which was so close to me, probably only in last month for a two days. Now I thought it was annoying. I should have felt ashamed because of that. But even that feeling disappeared under the flashback of someone's sparkling deep brown eyes.
Roger's eyes were blue. A deep and cold colour.
"Nicky."
"Yes?"
"I know that you're not feeling good now but..." Roger clenched his lips. "I really, really want to be with you." Did I feel desperation in his voice? It was so strange. That was not his style. "I see the future with you, Nicky. I see us together..." The word "forever" stopped in his throat. I hated myself. In such an important moment for him my face was telling nothing. Completly nothing. "And I like..." On his face grew a big, but not confident, smile. "I like to treat you like now. Like no one else ever could." I saw in his eyes that he wanted to hold my hand but we were in a public place. We could not. I could not, no matter of the people around.
"It's nice Roge." I said. I was not able to say more. Maybe he would catch it as a positive thing. I forced a small smile. For Roger dealing with problems in relationship was really difficult. He totally did not know how to act, how to change someone's mind, how to tell that I was the most important person in his life. Is it cruel from my side that I knew Roger's affection but had been starting to not care about this?
"So how's in work?" Roger asked. "We haven't seen each other for some time. You were so busy with a few cases. We even haven't met at the crime scenes. I saw only Catherine, and the new one. Sara, right?" I nodded. "I guess you're tired."
"Not that much, Roge." I said. "There was a lot of work, but now I want only to relax."
For a few seconds I thought that I saw somebody. A tall and skinny guy with dark brown wavy hair. Firstly I noticed only his back. When he turned and I saw his face I understood that he was not that person I wanted him to be.
"Who have you seen?" Roger asked. He was staring at me a moment when I was looking around at a guy who reminded me of someone else. "Nicky? Do you hear me?"
"Yeah, sure." I turned my head to him. "I thought that there was someone who I know."
"Who you know?"
The waiter gave us our meals.
"One lab tech. The guy really looked like him." I took a knife and a fork to cut first piece of my steak. I didn't look at Roger's eyes.
"Lab tech? I don't think he has enough money for this kind of place."
I glanced at him. I noticed a smirk on his face.
"And you have enough money?"
"Stupid question, silly. Where are we now?" He grinned. Never liked this grin. It looked malicious. "I can do much for you, Nicky, even everything."
"Yeah." I nodded and forced another smile.
"You're not so talkative today." He was fumbling at puree.
I gave him another smile. What else I could do?
"Oh no..." Roger burst into the quiet laughter.
"What?" I asked.
"We forgot something." He looked at me very intensely. "Don't you think that we need to have something on this table?"
I whisked my eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"Wine. We need a red wine and I of course forgot about it."
"So order it." I started again to eat my steak.
Roger ordered a red wine and we had been sitting and not talking. Around us were a lot of sounds – music played by the stringed quartet, quiet voices of the guests, clangs of the cutlery. But we, me and Roger were silent, only eating our meals. Few weeks ago we would talk a lot and laugh. Our voices would be a part of all the guests' voices in a restaurant. No one there was sitting in silence like us.
The waiter gave us a bottle of a fine wine. He poured a red liquid into the glasses.
"So tell me something about this guy." Roger said when he took his glass of wine.
"What guy?" I looked at him surprised.
"This lab tech who you mentioned."
"What? Why are you talking about him?" I sipped the wine.
"Just because." He shrugged.
I didn't understand what he wanted to say behind these words. Jealous? Now?
"He's just a young lab tech. Nothing more. What do you want to know?"
"I want to know what are you thinking about him."
I tried to act being surprised. But this time my shabby actor's skills didn't help me. Roger quickly noticed my hesitation.
"He's nice." I started to say.
"It's not enough." Roger pierced his eyes at me. "Tell me more."
"Roge, what's your point?"
"You tell me."
I sighed and put the cutlery aside.
"His name is Greg Sanders, DNA lab tech from San Fran. Tall, slender, brown hair, brown eyes. He's a funny guy and always makes me laugh. And yes, I think he's handsome and very attractive. If you saw him you would say the same." I said that quite fast but Roger caught every word. He was really jealous about Greg. "Sometimes it's hard to take my eyes off him. But I think it's normal to look at someone else when he's fine. Don't you think?"
Roger nodded. He did not believe in my words. Actually, he believed the part where I said that Greg is handsome and very attractive for me.
"Roge, he's only a pretty face."
"Of course. Pretty face with a slender body and easy-going character."
I understood why he did not believe me. I could not believe myself either. Greg was not only a pretty face for me. But it was only fantasies. He showed me few times that he was interested in me. It was so obvious. But I was in a serious relationship, and acting like an idiot around Greg. Probably he is thinking that I was unsure about myself, or just diffident. Of course, I was not unsure about myself. I always considered my attitude as a confident. But Greg, his existence was driving me crazy.
"I've been waiting long enough for your answer, Nick."
I clenched my lips. I wanted to say something but what? No matter what I said, he would find out that a young lab tech was someone more than a work mate. I wished he was more than that. Roger was a cop. He could easily notice when a suspect or his lover was lying. Just like now. And I could not help myself.
I hated his judging eyes. Now I was feeling like a suspect. A suspect who is guilty and after few minutes, after one essential question is going to jail.
"I like him as a work mate, Roge."
"You're lying." He said it with a peremptory tone. Just like we would have been in a interrogation room. "Just tell me that you're interested in someone else. I don't need more."
"But where do you get this idea from?" I asked. I could not believe that Roger made this discussion like that. Did I give him reasons to be jealous except today in the restaurant?
"I was in the lab one day, 'cause friend asked me to do something. So I came and thought that maybe I would say hello to you. There's nothing wrong with that, right? I gave Catherine an envelope from our department and then what did I see?" Roger stared at me meaningfully. "You with this tall and slender guy, Greg Sanders. Smiling, joking, and tapping his arm when you were waiting for the results. I hardly waited when you gonna hug him or give a kiss on this lovely soft and smooth cheek. Fuck, Nick. You was hitting on him and you know what. Sanders liked it too. This guy could easily jump into your bed. I'm sure he still not. But..."
"Stop it."
"Why? It's only a matter of time 'til he's going to share your bed."
"Roger, shut up!" My voice was a little bit too loud and some guests looked at us surprised. After a few seconds they went back to their meals. "You saw us once. And what you interpreted as a hitting on meant nothing. Do you get it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
"Oh yeah, and now you will try to convince me that he's straight?"
"No."
"Thank you for being honest."
"Roger."
"When Greg." He hissed his name. "Gave you results and you went to do your work he was staring at you. For a very long. Staring at every part of your hot body. It's really easy to see when someone wants to go to bed with you. Lust in his eyes. Your work mate even licked his lips. Sorry, Nicky. That's true. And you like this whore's tune."
"This discussion makes no sense. I can't deny that I see Greg as a very attractive guy but talking about his lust is a bullshit. Roger, I'm with you, not with him."
"Nicky, do you remember when I was in your house last week?"
I nodded.
"When you were sleeping you said his name."
"What?" I could not believe it.
"That's enough for me, Nicky." Roger took a wallet from his pocket. "Here's money for the meal." He gave me a few bills. "I lost a year of my life and future 'cause of one tall and slender lab tech named Greg Sanders."
When he stood up and took a few steps beside me, I caught his wrist. I was very close to catching his palm, but luckily I stopped myself from doing the most stupid thing in a public place for me ever. I would never try to hold someone's hand in such a place. I was so angry because of my own behaviour. I should not do it, even try. I was not only afraid of people's looks but mostly Roger's reaction. Did I give him hope? Some kind of a weak chance? Or maybe he just wanted to make a theater here – a silly play of a jealous lover? I had no idea. The only thought that I made a big mistake was paralysing. I looked at my past lover's eyes deeply. He saw it as a chance. Not a chance for him. A chance for me. I was the beggar for Roger's heart. In his eyes, the only person who needed to understand mistakes was me. I hated myself.
I was lying to him, I was lying to myself, I was lying to Greg, even if he did not know about it.
"Please, sit down," I said sheepishly.
Roger pouted and nodded.
"Why?" he asked.
I still was holding his wrist.
"'Cause we can't end up like this."
"How?" His voice was silent but cruel. "You don't like when things are not completely ended, right? But you see that everything has an end here. You don't need to worry about it. You don't need to say anything. It's over. A very clear over."
"Roge, please, sit." I repeated my earlier words. "We really need to talk."
"Nick, about what? About your new lover? You want to tell me how amazing he is?"
I spotted the guests sitting close to us turning their heads. Surely they heard a few words, and surely knew that was lovers' arguing. I cared about it. I did not like situations like that. Roger knew about it and probably intentionally made this circus. But he made it because I wished him to say these painful words. My new lover. Did I see Greg in that way? A lover? A future lover?
"Please, let me go," Roger hissed. "We don't have words to say."
I sighed.
"True," I said. "We don't." I let his wrist go.
"Goodbye, Nicky." His voice was calm and I did not feel the smallest sign of malice.
He looked at me. But I could not even glance at him. I was staring at the table covered by a white tablecloth and my plate with pieces of unfinished steak on it. In my stomach was a bowling ball. I thought that I could vomit. I felt only shame. Why did I always need to do such stupid things?