Title: For What Could Have Been
Author: Maggienhawk
Disclaimer: Castle is not mine, Just borrowing the characters for a bit.
Summary: "The last Nikki Heat novel comes out today. And if reality dictates fiction, Nikki walks away from Rook, trying to save him from herself." Kate POV
A/N: This story is inspired by the song "Breakeven" by The Script, although I heard an amazing cover by Colbie Callait today in the car. Go to Youtube. Listen. Now (or after the story). I, in no way, ever want this to happen on the show, but it wouldn't get out of my head.
"Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even…" The Script, Breakeven
The last Nikki Heat novel comes out today. And if reality dictates fiction, Nikki walks away from Rook, trying to save him from herself.
At least that's what I tell myself every day.
Every day I sit and wonder if it was worth it. I was heading down the rabbit's hole, desperate to find my mother's killer, Roy's killer. Sometimes I wonder if my life did end in the cemetery next to Roy's casket. I know this wasn't the life I was leading before. Outside of the precinct, all I focus on is this case, nothing else. No one else.
I broke up with Josh because he was distracting me from finding the answers I needed.
Castle was the first to notice, of course. He picks up on the subtle details. He noticed that I needed an extra coffee every morning to get going. He noticed the bag under my eyes. He also noticed the file that I tried to keep hidden in my bag, but always pulled out when I had a free minute and no one was around.
One afternoon, I came back to my desk after an interrogation and the file was gone. He was trying to protect me, again.
I knocked on his door and I was angry. I told him that no one, including him, was going to get in my way. No one was going to take this away from me. I needed the answers.
We fought for hours, yelling, screaming, crying, until we had nothing left. And we were still in the same position we were when I walked in the door. I needed to keep going. He wanted me to stop.
After a few minutes of silence, just trying to catch our breaths, he sighed. "If you are going to go after this, I won't be a part of it. I won't watch you destroy yourself."
He tells me he wishes that he never looked into my mother's case, even if ultimately it did reveal who killed her that night. The price of knowing that was too steep. He thought that he was helping me. If only he'd known that the case was a Pandora's Box of secrets and deception. If only he'd known it would ultimately be the end of us.
Us. There are too many meanings for such a simple little word. Us. Castle and Beckett, partners. Us. Rick and Kate, friends. Us. Richard and Katherine, what we could have been. And soon it will mean nothing.
I turn to walk out, satisfied that he won't be in my way anymore, when he says softly, "Wait." I stop, but I don't turn around. My chin drops to my chest as I wonder why he just doesn't let me go.
I hear him walk into his study and start rifling through the room. He comes back in and stands directly in front of me.
"If you walk out this door right now, determined to finish this, I can't…I won't be able to see you ever again. So I think you should have this."
He hands over a thick envelope, and I can only wonder what's inside.
"Don't open it until you get home." I give him a skeptical look. "Please, just trust me on this."
I nod, and he cups my cheek with his hand, making me look into his eyes. I can see his heart breaking more with each passing second. I lost track of time standing there, and I still don't know if it was seconds, minutes or hours. Finally, he leaned in and kissed me, gently. It was nothing like our first kiss, which had layers of meaning – passion, desperation, lust, love. This one had a single meaning – goodbye.
As we parted, a single tear escaped and ran down his cheek. I reached up and brushed it away. And then stepped around him and walked out of his life forever.
I went home, poured myself a glass of wine, and opened the envelope. When I saw what was inside, I realized what I had done. What I had given up. There was no one to protect me now. I was all alone.
I cried all night long.
I tried calling him the next morning, desperate for him to let me back in, but knowing it was futile. I got his voicemail and didn't leave a message. After that, I deleted his number from my contacts.
I spent weeks going over the files he had given me; that Roy had given him. But the answers I needed still weren't there. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. I forget to eat, forget to sleep, running myself ragged over the case.
He's doing well, I gather from the boys, who still visit the Old Haunt at least once a month. And he sometimes shows up on Page Six, his arm around some beautiful woman, smiling for the cameras. Trying to recapture the Rick Castle that existed before Nikki Heat. He's almost got it back, because with every new picture, I see the sparkle return to his eyes. The one that was gone the day I walked out.
A package arrived the other day from him. I was surprised, to say the least. I opened it to find an advanced copy of the last book. A small smile made its way to my face as I opened to cover and saw his familiar scribble on the title page. Every one of my Nikki Heat novels are signed in the same way. Just simply, Rick Castle, right under the title.
I slowly turned the page to read the dedication.
"For Kate. For what could have been."
I'm in the tub, getting close to the end of the book. It's taken me a few days to get through it, and to be honest, I don't want it to end. It's my last link to him, to us. Once it's over, we're over.
Nikki finds her mother's killer. Rook is right there with her, every step of the way. Never giving up on her, never letting her go down the road that I went down. And when it's all over, the two are getting ready for a night out, and Rook puts a little velvet box in his pocket.
The book ends there. The possibilities are endless.
I'm so tired of crying, but it's not fair that he gets to write his own ending. He gets to move on, while I'm still fighting, still searching. As much as Rook is based on him, he will never be Rook, because Rook never let Nikki go. He let me go, stopped fighting, moved on.
And all of sudden it dawns on me that he wasn't the one who needed saving from me.
I needed saving from myself.