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Standard Disclaimers: Fragonknights rarely ever consider serious ideas as good for you. But it is fun to massacre brilliant works by poking fun at the serious and sanctified. Therefore, Harry Potter, Monty Python and the King James Edition all get equal billing.
Question: If you are so sure God does not have a sense of humor, why do you think she invented men?
SEER LATER LOVE?
Chapter 1: The Vision
Harry Potter was currently lying on the floor in the Great Hall screaming and twitching as he experienced probably the most horrific vision he had ever witnessed regarding the Dark Lord. The other children around him had long since quit eating, and most had even vacated the hall, unable to deal with the agony in front of them.
Snape was the first teacher to reach him. He nodded his head in respect as he saw that Hermione had conjured an air mattress so that Harry would not damage himself further by bashing his head on the stone floor. Ron had managed to loosen his tie and was sitting by Harry's head, his arms loose at his friend's side ready to keep him on the mattress should his jerking become more violent.
Hermione looked up at him through teary brown eyes, "He won't wake up, Sir!"
Snape nodded and opened his cloak slightly to reach into an inner pocket. Finding what he wanted, he bent down beside Harry and directed Weasley to hold his head still while he forced a pain potion down his throat. It took a few minutes, but Harry relaxed into a calm sleep from which he could be awoken.
Harry woke up in the infirmary with no memory of how he got there. It took him a few minutes to fight the confusion in his mind and then he began to shake and moan as the horror of the vision he had just suffered through burst back into the forefront of his mind.
Poppy Pomfrey was too slow to catch him. As his horrified wail of "Draco!" ripped through the quiet of the ward, Harry jumped up from the bed and raced out of the hospital doors. The only thing left for her to do was to firecall Headmaster Dumbledore and tell him that Harry had regained consciousness and was on his way either to his office, or he was headed off down to the dungeons to find Mr. Malfoy.
Had Harry been thinking straight he would probably have put his clothes on before racing down to the Potions classroom where the 7th Year Gryffindors and Slytherins were enjoying a Double Potions lesson. Yes, I know, that sounds like an oxymoron. One should not mention enjoy and Potions in the same sentence. However, it really was happening.
As part of the NEWTs each person in the class had to enhance a potion of his choice by altering it or adding to it. Today was Ron Weasley's turn to walk everyone through brewing the new potion of his choice. Ron had chosen to modify the 'Darkest Fears Potion'. The result was somewhat akin to being able to dispel a boggart with the word ridikkulus! If you were able to put your fear into a format such as Manga or a Cartoon it would void the effects of the Darkest Fears Potion. It really was a handy potion to be working on today.
Harry burst into the room, gasping for breath, eyes searching wildly. "Draco!" He gasped and lunged for his arch-nemesis. Before anyone could stop him, Draco was sitting back in his seat with an almost hysterical Harry Potter clinging to him with one hand as he used the other to comb through the blond's hair and pat at his face.
Steel blue eyes stared in shock as Harry finally reassured himself that Draco was real and settled down on him. Draco found himself hugging the shaking boy, running one hand up and down his back, trying to soothe him. It felt so right to ask, "Harry, what is wrong?" in a gentle voice instead of his usual sneer.
Harry raised his head slightly from where he was cuddling into Draco's neck. "It was a vision! It was horrible. Draco, I have been scarred for life!"
Draco cooed softy and pressed Harry's head back against his neck. "Shush!" He murmured gently. "Calm down and tell me what happened."
Harry sniffled a few times before managing to get himself under control. "You saw what happened in the Great Hall at lunch time. I was sitting there eating and my scar started hurting." His voice took on a bit of a whine and Draco adjusted his hold on him slightly to reassure him that it was ok.
"Calm down, Harry!" He whispered as he stopped rubbing his back and just wrapped his arms around the other teen. "Now tell me what happened."
By now the whole Potions class was in shock. Everyone knew that Malfoy, Prince of Slytherin, all around gorgeous sex god, six feet four inches tall and sexy as sin did not do nice! Yet here he was holding Harry Potter like a little child, reassuring him that he was safe.
Harry Potter, effeminate, beautiful, most gifted wizard in thousands of years, small even by most girls standards, fit nicely into Draco Malfoy's arms. He looked and felt safe and secure in the shelter provided by the bigger wizard.
He felt their shock and confusion. Looking up at everyone else, Draco's eyes narrowed and he growled, "You had all better..." His eyes closed and a dreamy look settled on his face as the little seeker in his arms began placing soft kisses on his neck while making calming noises.
"Harry, love?" Draco managed to say, just before Snape went into shock and passed out, breaking the spell of the moment for him. He looked over at Neville Longbottom as he caught his beloved God-Father and nodded a polite 'thank you' before turning his attention back to Harry.
Harry sighed contentedly as he cuddled into the Slytherin. "I think I want to stay right here and forget about the vision. It does not seem so bad when you are holding me." He went quiet and just stayed there in Draco's embrace.
Draco grinned. "I am going to drop you on your skinny little ass in a moment if you don't tell me what had you so upset."
They both looked up when the newly ennervated Potions Master spoke up. "You may put your wand away now, Ms. Granger. Thank you for reviving me." Then turning back to the one sight he thought he would never see, he continued, "Mr. Potter. Now that you have everyone's attention, could you please tell us what was so important that you had to cause such a scene racing down here to disturb my class? A class you should be in right now? Preferably dressed and paying attention?"
Harry began shaking again. He nodded at the professor, took a deep breath and began whispering. Pansy Parkinson wanted to hear the details also so she cast a sonorous on him. By the time Harry was done with the story everyone was feeling rather queasy.
It was, perhaps, the first time in ages that a Slytherin lost points in potions class and then had to serve a detention. It involved cleaning the floors, the desks, the cauldrons, the sinks, and time permitting, Pansy would be scraping unidentified potions off the ceiling as suitable punishment for what she had unwittingly inflicted on the delicate psyches of her magical peers.
It felt like I was being sucked into Voldemort's brain and I started seeing things through his eyes. He was sitting on his throne waiting for someone. I was starting to feel strange when he cast a spell for magical fireworks. There was a lot of back ground noise to begin with but everyone became silent as the music from Clare de Lune swelled through the room.
We rose and stepped down off the dais as a door opened and Wormtail scuttled in. Voldemort snapped at him, "Why does my own heart delay?" Voldemort was focused on Wormtail and did not see the ugly creature that entered the room.
"I am come, my beloved." It was a voice Harry recognized from years of hearing it here at Hogwarts.
Voldemort strode forward and took the hand of the woman standing just inside the door. "He treated her as if she were as delicate as spun glass." Harry whimpered.
He touched his chair and cast a replicate spell. Then he set the woman in the chair and turned to all of his Death Eaters and said, "I have chosen a bride. As I am your Lord and Master, so shall this fair creature be your Lady. Swear allegiance to Lady Sybil!"
Most of the Death Eaters knew Voldemort was nutty already. He really did not have to prove it at every turn. Most of them shook their heads in horror and disbelief. No way would a self-respecting Death Eater ever swear allegiance to Sybil Trewloney of their own freewill, and maybe not even after a nice round of crucios.
It took Harry a few seconds to gather his wits again and get himself back under control. He continued. "As everyone just stood there with blank stares on their faces Voldemort became angry and started screaming that if they did not perform oral sex on her he would personally cast the killing curse on everyone one of them."
There was deathly silence in the Potions room as the horror of what Harry had experienced sank in on everyone. Severus turned green and began twitching as he thought of the implications of the vision.
The silence was broken by none other than Draco. In a voice full of anguish and shame he demanded, "Please, Harry! Tell me that Daddy got Aveda Kadavared!"
More Disclaimers: As always, I do not own the HP Universe. I just borrow the little action figures, make them do naughty things, then return them to Hogwarts in time for Tea and a bath. Lewis Carroll, as you all know, was responsible for the Mad Hatter.
Chapter 2: The Verdict
Snape in action is an awesome sight. The first thing he did after hearing Harry talk about his vision was to firecall Dumbledore and request that he floo to the dungeons posthaste. Most of his seventh year Slytherins were Death Eater children- he intended to protect them from the vision if at all possible.
Dumbledore arrived in a flash of green and a flurry of glitter. Everyone stared at him strangely as the small fireworks exploded around him while he dusted off his robes. Dumbledore had a slightly bemused expression as he watched the fireworks with everyone else.
Snape could not help shaking his head. "Feeling a bit flashy today are we, Headmaster?"
The tone of voice brought a brilliant smile to the old man's face. "It would appear so, Severus, my boy. Now, what is pressing to the point that you would interrupt your class and call for my assistance?" As he knocked the last of the dust off of his robes he could be heard muttering, "I really enjoyed that! Must remember to place an order with the Weasley twins. That was a nicely done bit of work."
Snape shook his head in disbelief before nodding toward the still only partially clothed Harry Potter. "As you know, Potter had a problem at lunch today and was taken to the infirmary. After he woke up, he became extremely distraught and came straight to class to inform everyone what the vision he had suffered through was all about."
Dumbledore blinked his twinkling eyes at the said Mr. Potter. The old man could not hold back the smile that erupted after noticing that Harry looked very content dressed in his Sponge Bob Square Pants boxers and a pair of Sex God Malfoy arms. He could not help but notice though that Harry seemed a bit cold... Or, was that comfortable? At any rate he could not resist picking up a quill that was lying on the floor and transfiguring it into a Hawaiian print shirt to match his undies.
The staring switched from the barmy old coot to Hogwarts cutest couple as Draco guided Harry's arms into the sleeves and then smoothed the print across his chest before buttoning it up- all the way- then glaring petulantly at Millicent and Pansy for drooling over Harry's Quidditch toned chest. The glare became an outright hiss as Nott and Finnegan groaned at the loss of their entertainment.
Both Snape and Albus were caught by surprise as a high-pitched shrieking sound started to rattle the vials and beakers scattered around. Draco continued to glare, his magic almost out of control. The now embarrassed Harry hid his face in Draco's chest.
Finally Snape managed to speak, "Draco? You need to calm down. Mr. Nott and Mr. Finnegan did not mean any disrespect to you or Mr. Potter. You know that both men are loyal friends to you." Even roaring, "Draco! Stop now!" did not phase him.
Snape's words barely registered. Draco did manage to calm down though. Mainly because Snape's desperation got through to Harry and it had snapped him out of his embarrassment. He once again tangled his fingers in the blond's hair and raised his head in order to press warm moist lips against his champion's throat.
Albus Dumbledore was rolling around on the floor in tears by the time Severus Snape finished telling him what Harry had witnessed. The old man's hands shook as he took the calming potion Hermione presented to him. And then he was back to rolling around the floor howling like Lupin during the full moon. The very idea that Sybil had a suitor was preposterous; that a man would kill a room full of his minions over her was just too much. The bit about the oral sex had him sobering up slightly and turning a few interesting shades of green also. (That deserves a side note in order to remind you that a guy who is over a 150 years old and probably doesn't get action more than once in a blue moon has just rejected an ultimately viable source of hairpie.)
He finally managed to get control of himself long enough to gasp out, "I would not want to be a Death Eater right about now. I'd rather take my chances with the Avada Kadavara than have to look at her snatch!"
Messers Crabbe and Goyle both lost their lunch. They knew for certain that they were both straight. To think that their fathers might have to approach that smelly old wrinkled up thing that resided between the Divination Teachers bony thighs was just too much. Gregory Goyle could not function. With a wink in Pansy's direction he dissolved into tears and began clutching at Lavender Brown as he sobbed, "Hold me! I can't take anymore!"
Lavender Brown can cast a mean mouthwash charm. She can also do a great reassuring act. The not-so-Stupid-after-all Slytherin had already agreed to meet her parents and name their first daughter Lilac by the end of that Double Potions class. (How very Slytherin of him, yes?)
In the end the plan was more than simple. Albus called in some of the Ministry's loyal Aurors and had Sybil placed under House Arrest. The Slytherins were then told to report to their families the details of Harry's vision. Said families were to be granted amnesty and sanctuary at Hogwarts if they so desired.
It was decided that when Voldemort called all of his minions to a meeting that only the strongest of the wizards would actually go. Arrangements were made for Harry to drink polyjuice potion and dress accordingly. Draco was heard to mumble something about he was pretty damn glad not to be the savior of the wizarding world if that was what it took to defeat the sodding old snake-faced freak.
Harry was having the time of his life pretending to be Sybil Trelowney. He was so good at it that no one realized she was indisposed. He even got to act out his fantasy of dancing around the Divination Room chanting, "Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down." Hermione could often be heard muttering little asides such as, "Off with your head! " and "Do you play croquet?" as she helped him dress.
Lavender was too preoccupied with her fiancé to notice if Sybil was off her game any. As for Parvati, she was too determined to ensnare Mr. Blaise Zabini to worry about the old bat. Lavender had let it slip that HER SLYTHERIN was not only gifted with a large reproductive organ, he had been instructed in the proper usage of it. Parvati was determined that she too should acquire a nice toy that would last for approximately another 120 years with proper usage and care.
The reason Parvati was chasing Mr. Zabini around was the fact that her Ravenclaw twin had already figured out that Mr. Vincent Crabbe probably had the same training as his best friend and had gone to research her theory. Parvati could only hope that Zabini was still on the market since it appeard Nott was batting for the other team.
Padma Patil had not waited to talk to her twin before heading out to catch the poor unsuspecting Slytherin before word got round and she would have to fight for him. Padma never doubted her good luck in finding the poor unsuspecting Slytherin exactly where she thought he would be- in the Great Hall eating breakfast. Padma made sure that Vincent had a proper breakfast before asking him if he would be so kind as to help her with her Care of Magical Creatures essay. And, would he mind too terribly walking back up to her tower with her so that she could explain exactly what she needed his help with?
Vincent Crabbe was a perfect gentleman and gave Ms. Padma his undivided assistance in researching her theory. Her theory involved something along the lines of how long can a pure blood couple stay in bed in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. They were both proud of the fact that it with a few well placed notice-me-not charms, a few silencing spells, and lots and lots of cleaning spells it is possible to stay just where a body wanted to for several days.
The dreaded summons came only days after the plans to exterminate the Voldemort threat had been put into place. It was an interesting group that eventually apparated to the site of Voldemort's latest lair. McNair, Nott, Malfoy Sr., Malfoy Jr., Snape, Avery, Dumbldore, Potter, and Parkinson were the only ones to answer his call. The rest of them were all out at the Quidditch Pitch watching Hufflepuff play Ravenclaw.
They approached the house where Voldemort had taken up residence reluctantly, everyone exhibiting high amounts of anxiety. The only one remotely calm was the bug-like woman wearing several gauzy scarves and a ton of bangle bracelets. For some strange reason she kept trying to rub up against Lucius Malfoy like a cat in heat. Every time she did, Lucius would squawk indignantly and the other Malfoy would cackle maniacally.
Harry Potter was enjoying himself immensely as he was being fawned over by Wormtail. It seems that the vision was accurate and Voldemort did in fact intend to make Sybil Trewloney his consort. Wormtail had been told how to treat the future Lady Voldemort and was following his instructions to the letter.
So far Harry had demanded tea, that the fire be stoked a bit more, and that more incense be lighted. Finally, did Wormtail think that M'Lord would be too upset if she changed a few of these dreadful old wooden chairs into nice comfortable couches?
Wormtail coughed politely when she accidentally transformed Voldemort's favorite chair into a huge four-poster bed, complete with purple silk sheets and victim restraints. She blinked owlishly at him and inquired, "Do you think the silk is too much? Or, should I go for plain satin?"
The men waiting in the other room were having an excellent time. McNair had been almost sick with fright anticipating the ordeal to come and in order to get him through it, Dumbledore had cast a cheering charm on him. The charm worked just like it was supposed to and he was currently trying to teach them how to do the dance routine to Boot Scootin' Baby by Steps. He finally had them all in a straight line and headed in the correct direction when they were all interrupted by the most incredibly girly scream any of them had ever heard.
They all dashed into the antechamber where Voldemort normally held private meetings. The first thing that Severus and Lucius noticed was that there was a huge four-poster bed in the spot where Voldemort's favorite chair normally presided. Wands drawn, they all advanced on the scene. And, promptly dropped them as they slammed their hands over their gaping mouths as they caught sight of Tom Riddle tied to the bed, buck naked and screaming his head off at the vision of Harry Potter dressed in his lovely Sybil's robes, scarves, and bangles.
Albus was the first one to recognize Tom speaking in a heavy Cockney accent as he rambled on about a bad batch of mushrooms on that last pizza he had ordered out for. There was no other reason his beautiful lady could morph into the ugly Potter brat. It was a completely acceptable part of his nightmare to be lying there naked in front of approximately a dozen Death Eaters (some had not got the word to not attend- even after the Daily Prophet ran a front page story on Voldemort's new love interest.) He even appreciated the fact that Albus Dumbledore was dressed in a DE robe and was observing him impartially.
It about broke Tom's heart when he observed Albus turning to Malfoy and saying, "Well if that's all the Lad's got, no wonder he goes about raping the muggles. No decent witch will have him." His big crocodile tears melted the old man's heart. "Harry, my boy, you really need to give Tommy back his clothes. NOW!"
Harry giggled and charmed an aqua blue boob tube, a black leather mini skirt and thigh high boots on him. Petrus Parkinson could not resist flipping up the edge of Voldemort's mini to reveal a white cotton Halloween- print thong covering his inadequate pieces of equipment. He gave Harry a blank look which Harry decided to answer. "Aunt Petunia says that cotton is the most hygienic."
All of the men nodded their heads in the affirmative. Even Lucius agreed. "That makes sense. It is probably why Narcissa never wears some of those lovely French designs I bring her. I suppose I should check the labels better." The other men nodded again. This was enough encouragement for Lucius to continue. "Yes, I will definitely have buy something else. It is just that the polyester teddies hold their shape so much better. And the silk feels so much nicer against the skin."
This time the men all moaned slightly as they nodded. Harry outdid himself with the polyjuice potion and turned back into Sybil. "Do you want me to model some of my lingerie for you, my lover?" He hissed to Voldemort as he transfigured his robe into a gorgeous leopard skin print teddy with cream lace inserts that emphasized his feminine wiles. Who could have known that Harry Potter would accomplish exactly the same thing as Salome when she did the dance of the seven veils?
Except of course the group did not cut off Tommy's head and present it to Harry on a platter. It seems that Tommy got so excited about viewing the dance that he had a bit of a heart attack. With all the gasps and moans the others were making as they watched, no one heard him as his paralyzed lungs refused to move the air to his traumatized extremities. In actual fact his spirit and body had parted ways several minutes before anyone thought to check on how he was doing. (Fragonknight02 assumes that he died happy.) (Fragonknight03: Damn pervert, figures. (Ratty asks the obvious question; Who the frigging blazes is Salome?)1
Albus was very matter-of-fact about the whole situation. He summoned Aurors who verified that Tom Malvolo Riddle was in-fact deceased. The gentlemen who were there with Albus all agreed that Tom had died of natural causes, albeit in a round-about way involving Harry Potter. 2
The Aurors all shook hands with the Death Eaters over a job well done and then transported the body back to the Ministry of Magic so that the Wizard Mortician could have a go at documenting the physical changes caused by heavy usage of Dark Magic.
Albus insisted that the boys return to Hogwarts with him. He intended to create a democratic union for the Dark Wizards so that they would not feel so persecuted, and he had several ideas that he wanted to present before the lot of them got out of hand again. He also wanted to finish learning that amazing line dance that Walden had been instructing them in.
Yes, things were looking up for the wizarding world and with Albus Dumbledore at the helm things could only get crazier.
(Harry: You don't know how much crazier things could get with him in control.) (Ratty-baggins: You reckon this'll make a good computer game?)
1. Salome is the daughter of the wife of King Herod of Judea's brother. She was presented with the head of John the Baptist as a reward for dancing for 'Uncle Herod'.
2. Normally old geezers kacking off in 'Pleasure Palaces' is not something the House mother or the girls is prosecuted for.