Breaking Promises
I'm sure I'm meant to feel something. Anything.
Sadness, anger, fear? Or maybe even that tear that should be running down my cheek.
But there's nothing.
I'm just... numb.
…
The blood pumping through my veins should be guilt. Because I didn't save you. I didn't save you.
After that day, when you came home covered in bruises, I promised.
'Nothing will ever hurt you again. Nothing.'
But now I'm standing by your grave, being suffocated by the rain.
…
You were meant to have it all. The brains, the beauty, the elegance.
You were made to be the very definition of perfect. I don't know who ended it. I don't know why. I don't know how we ended up here.
But we're here.
I'm here.
…
Sometimes I wonder whether I still have a sister or whether, when you died, the term died with it.
I resent you, sometimes, for leaving me like this. Promises are meant to go two ways, you know.
You were perfectly within your rights to breaks your side of the deal, though. I broke mine.
…
It still hurts. I think it always will. You can't just forgot 14 years of your life, and the 14 years of mine were spent with you. Maybe I should bang my head on the table again and again, just the erase the memories. Maybe I should just jump into the sea and hold my breath, so I can drown in more then the figurative sense.
…
I'm lonely.
It's because you went that I became so bloody independent. You were the only thing holding me to sanity, the only thing that let me give away just a little responsibility. But now I'm the one who has to look after Mum, as she cries and throws up from the drinks she tries to forget you with.
We all wish it was that easy to let go.
…
I never saw it coming, but I guess it's the things that come out of nowhere that kill you.
Because I am going to die, eventually. Who could live without you?
Who could live without half their heart?
...
You were the always the loved one in our little home. I guess it was a tiny weight off my shoulders that at school, our roles were reversed. That's why I didn't help you when I saw those girls pushing you in the corridors and yelling 'stupid, ugly little Myrtle'. It hurt when you used to catch my eye, with that trapped animal look and a small question of 'why aren't you helping me?'
So I would watch until you turned your head, and then I would duck away, keeping up the pretense of loving you whatever happened.
But it wasn't a lie, not really. I did love you. I do love you.
Just not enough to save you, not enough to help you.
…
They gave me a choice, you know. I realise now I picked the wrong option.
'It's either us, or the loser.'
I doubt they knew the 'loser' was my sister.
I doubt they would've cared.
…
I changed though, when I saw they'd gone too far
I promise, I've changed.
I always try. I always... try.
Soon though, I'll go breaking promises again.
...
I hated it, knowing you could see right through every lie I told.
'I didn't mean to.'
'I'm trying.'
'I never saw that.'
'I always help you.'
It made me feel strangely vulnerable, seeing you assessing me with those cool blue eyes, like maybe everyone saw me the same way as you did.
...
I have so many nightmares now. When I'm awake, I can see whatever I want to see, but when I close my eyes, I only see the truth.
Your body lying stiff in a casket, covered in bruises that weren't from your death. Those lifeless eyes that people have neglected to close, still filled with the final moments of fear and surprise. The sounds of endless punches, falls, screaming, all the things I ignored while you lived, all the things I can only see now that I can never say sorry.
...
I hate myself for breaking all the promises.
But every day, every minute, someone breaks a vow. You make so many in a lifetime it's impossible to keep every one.
There is one promise though, just one, I know I'll never turn my back on.
I promised you I'd always love you.
That's a promise I'll never break.
...
A/N This is for the second round of the Fanfiction Idol competition!
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