"I could tell you everything you've ever wanted to hear. I could utter every word you've ever hoped to hear. I shutter when I think that I might not be here forever.
Your eyes so twisted and your face aloud. I want to tell you I can change you when you cry at night but...I'd be lying." -Mikel Jollet
My eyes are heftier than weights. Impossible to open. Body is numb. Limbs immobile. This is odd, very odd. I feel as if my physical being is shutting down. Slowly falling into a dense darkness...
"Wake up."
It's not me who speaks. Neither anyone around me. This is my mind. My psyche. Begging for movement. For life.
"Please open your eyes. Wake up. Don't leave"
My inner voice is surprisingly grim. Ordering me to move instead of begging for it.
"Your so close to achieving your goal. To gaining happiness. This is your chance-"
I feel something thick trickle down my inner spine. No. Not just my spine. The liquid is everywhere. Behind my eyes, my nose, chest, arms. It fills up my lungs, making me gurgle and spit.
"Your going to die from blood loss if you don't do something."
Blood. That's right. I'm bleeding everywhere. The scarlet red colour is surrounding me. Corroding my body. Suffocating me.
"You've finally found people who care about you; people who will love you. Fight. Move. Survive. You have a reason. You have a purpose. Get up. Get up now!"
I can't. It's impossible. My body is colder than ice, and the blood surrounding me scorches my bones. I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop.
"Wait. Don't go!"
My inner voice is suddenly more concerned. Its gruffness is gone. Replaced instead with overwhelming fear...I'm falling...falling...falling...
Body is becoming numb...
Breath is hefty and unbearable...
"I want you to listen very carefully-
...
"You've done a lot of fucked up things in your past. Lot's of things i know you regret. But they no longer matter-"
They still hurt though.
"Of course they still hurt. Pain is pain, but you now have people who will help you carry that pain. Who will lend you a shoulder-"
I do?
"Yes. I want you to go back in time. Five years ago. Do you remember?"
Yes. I remember.
"He was standing before you. Blonde hair mangled. Checks puffed out in anger. Arms crossed. Do you remember your first thoughts when gazing upon him?"
Yes. I thought he was a fucking moron for coming to the first day of school dressed like a bum.
"What else?"
What do you mean?
"You thought something else."
Ya, i did.
"What was it?"
I thought he was brave. I thought his eyes where confident. Yet... glazed with anxiety and grief.
"His eyes reminded you or your own. Didn't they?"
Yes.
"He's out there waiting for you. Your friend. Your ally. He's always accepted you, ever sense the beginning he's accepted you. That is worth fighting for."
Maybe.
"How are you not convinced? How come you won't fight to live?"
Because, him and everybody else might be better off without me.
"That's a god damn lie and you know it!"
My inner voice is desperate now. It's becoming louder, almost to the point of screaming. If it had a face, my inner voice would be crying.
"They love you. They love you so fucking much and your going to lie here, die, and just let it all go to waste. Once your gone, there will be nothing. No light, no love, you will disappear completely. The bonds you have created will be cut! You will be alone, in every sense of the word you will be alone."
I...I think i may be better off that way...
"Do you really think this lowly of yourself? Have you always been this pathetic?"
I take a deep breath in through swollen lungs. My inner voices question is impossible to answer. Or rather. I just can't admit to it the truth.
"If thinking of your past won't convince you, then look to the future."
I can't say anything. I just listen...i'm still falling...falling...
"Imagine having a family, children, a lover. You've always wanted that right? You can come back to the light, be happy, be content! After everything you've been through in this world, you deserve a happy ending. You don't deserve to die here. On the dirt, crying, lost and bleeding!"
Crying?
I feel a lighter liquid tinge within the thick blood. My inner voice is right. I'm crying. For the first time in my life i am crying.
"Can't you see? Living is a good thing. This world does have light in it! You just haven't seen it yet!"
...
"Imagine that light. The beautiful warm glow of life. Imagine it. Imagine it."
More tears fall down. My body is numb. There is nothing. I am nothing.
I can't do it. I can't imagine the light.
"Please?"
It won't work.
"Please!"
Your words mean nothing. The darkness is to deep. To powerful.
"PLEASE WAKE UP!"
I'm going
I'm going
I'm going
"YOUR GOING TO LOSE EVERYTHING!"
I can see oblivion.
It is beautiful.
I can see my parents.
"THAT LIGHT IS AN ILLUSION! IT'S DEATH!"
All the people I've lost are here. Smiling. Waving. Laughing.
I love you. Mom. Dad. Brother. I miss you. It doesn't hurt anymore. I don't need to fight.
"PLE-"
Nothing lasts forever.
Nothing has changed.
I'm going...
I'm gone...