Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, shape, or form own Harry Potter
Pansy Parkinson enjoyed weddings. The intense social game that all pure-bloods were in, whether they wanted to be or not, was more relaxed at weddings. The music, the dancing, the decorations, the jests, the gossip, and the eternal union of a new couple had always been refreshing to Pansy. For once, the smiles, the cheers, and the tears were not just a façade, not just another part of the game.
Yes, Pansy enjoyed weddings because they were real. Then why, she wondered, was she smiling brightly when she didn't feel like it? Why was she laughing and exchanging pleasantries with the other women when she didn't find anything funny at all? Why did she keep complimenting the decorations when she thought they were too gaudy and deserved to be trashed? Most importantly, why was she even here, at Draco Malfoy and Astoria Greengrass's wedding when she would have rather have been in Azkaban?
She had been a fool to think weddings were different from any other social engagement. It was just the same as balls or coming-of-age ceremonies; the smiles and the laughs, they were all fake. Yes, weddings must be a game too; there was no way all this joy and happiness could be real. By convincing herself of that fact, Pansy could continue with her masquerade.
"Excuse me? May I steal Pansy for one moment?"
Pansy, who had been chatting with some of the older witches, looked down at the hand at her elbow, her eyes traveling up the robed arm to lay on Blaise Zabini.
"Oh, of course," said Mrs. Pucey, who sounded a little relieved. "It was nice seeing you again Pansy and give my regards to your mother Blaise."
The other women expressed similar sentiments as Blaise and Pansy nodded politely as Blaise dragged her off. As soon as they were out of sight, Pansy yanked her arm from Blaise's hand. No need to act nice with him; she and Blaise had been close friends since they were toddlers.
"Nice to see you too Pansy," said Blaise, easily snatching her arm again in a tighter grip and heading across the ceremony hall.
Pansy did not respond; she only tried to look as if she wasn't fighting to break free of Blaise's grip. The other guests were watching the two progressed across the hall and Pansy did not want to make a scene.
Blaise's seat was right up front, just behind the area reserved for Draco's family and Pansy's seat was besides his, both of the silver chairs inscribed in elegant writing with their names. Pansy felt a mixture a pleasant surprise and dread; she liked feeling important, but at the same time, sitting behind the Malfoys would definitely be awkward.
Everyone else was still mingling, so most of the chairs were bare. Blaise made a show of allowing Pansy to sit down first and it would have been rude to do anything otherwise, so she grudgingly took her seat.
"Nice robes," commented Pansy, her eyes resting for a moment on Blaise's dark blue robes as he sat down. "They complement you nicely; are they new?"
"Imported from Italy just for today."
"How nice," said Pansy sweetly. "You must have ordered them when you thought you were going to be best man."
"I refused best man actually; it' not really my type of thing What about you?" His eyes looked her up and down. "Trying to outshine the bride?"
Pansy gave a nonchalant shrug as she messed with the hem of her red dress robes. So maybe she had gone a little crazy while trying to get the curls in her hair just right and had searched for weeks on end for the best dress robes that no other witch would have.
"This is a grand occasion and I wanted to look the part. It's not every day someone from the old crowd gets married. Right?"
She turned to Blaise for confirmation, but he was now looking at her with slight concern. He had dropped the social face; here was her good friend for the last twenty-three years.
"What? It's the truth," said Pansy, still not quite ready to give up the farce.
"Daphne said you were probably out here getting drunk and making a riot," said Blaise, now completely serious.
"And she wanted you to keep things under control?"
"Obviously; you know I'm not the type to put myself into a crowd willingly. And sometimes you can be a little…unpredictable."
"Do you honestly think I could act so childishly in public? And I gave Daphne my word too that I would behave. I don't perform the same antics I used to."
"Still," said Blaise, casting an eye around before lowering his voice, "I'm surprised you're here. More surprised than when I got the invitation in the mail."
"Draco invited me, so I came," said Pansy simply. "And I don't see why you're surprised; Draco and Astoria have been exclusive for a year now." 'Exclusive' put an acid taste in her mouth. "It was only a matter of time before the two were engaged."
Blaise leaned in, gripping Pansy's chair so that his face was only inches away from hers. Pansy turned her head away, but Blaise's words fell on her ears anyway.
"You and I both know that if Draco chose, he would be up there with you right now."
She wasn't going to cry, for Merlin's sake, she was in the public's eyes. She had sworn to her mother and Daphne that she would not make a scene.
Pansy tried to sigh, but it came out more like a strangle gasp.
"He did choose Blaise, and he chose Astoria, not me. Anyway," she continued, feeling as if she would lose her composure in the next ten seconds, 'I must use the toilet before the ceremony starts. Excuse me."
As she quickly moved out of the ceremony hall, with Blaise calling after her, Pansy kept her head down so no one would see the tears. Really, why was she here? To save face? It was laughable; everyone in that hall knew she was only publicly humiliating herself by being there. It was no secret that she and Draco had been dating on and off again since leaving Hogwarts.
Despite their tumultuous relationship, Pansy had never missed a chance to brag about her relationship with Draco at social gatherings. Stinking drunk or solemnly sober, Pansy knew she would never get anyone better than Draco Malfoy and wouldn't allow the chance for someone else to get him either. At least, she thought she hadn't.
She remembered the day very well, the day she realized that this time, Draco was done.
It had been Tracey Davis's twenty-second birthday party and Pansy was chatting with Olivia Moore, a rather exuberant, American pure-blood who had been trying to flirt, unsuccessfully with Draco at the Zabinis's ball a few months earlier.
"Oh Draco?" Pansy laughed a little. "We're doing quite well Olivia. We're living together you know. Perhaps you should drop by sometime and see our little flat."
In truth, Pansy had moved out of Draco's flat right after the Zabinis's ball. The two had been fighting viciously and Pansy had left in a huff. She hadn't seen him since then.
Still, she wanted to watch Moore squirm. The girl had been an eyesore since she had come to England. Only twenty, she seemed to believe she was entitled to any and everything and Pansy was going to make it clear that she wasn't, especially not to Draco.
"Really?" said Moore and Pansy was surprised that her voice had no hint of derision or disappointment. Pansy couldn't put her finger on it at the moment, but Moore was not giving the desired response.
"How nice for you; I always thought you two made a nice couple."
"Why thank you," Pansy replied, still bewildered by this response. Moore was supposed to be bitter, not happy for her!
"Pansy."
She turned around to see Theodore Nott standing behind her. She had never liked him much; he was always so quiet and withdrawn, not to mention not one of the best looking guys around. Why a beauty like Daphne Greengrass was attracted to him was something Pansy would never understand in her wildest dreams.
"Yes Theo?" she said, keeping with etiquette even though she really didn't want to be bothered with him at the moment. "Have you met Miss Moore, from New York?"
"Charmed," said Theo, bowing in Moore's direction a bit rigidly. He held out his hand, straightening up. "Theodore Nott."
"Olivia Moore," Moore replied, letting Theo kiss her hand, an odd look on her face.
Distrusting Moore's face—that was just the way she looked at Draco—Pansy said quickly, "So Theo, what is it you want?"
"A dance, if you don't mind parting from Miss Moore's company," said Theo, releasing Moore's hand.
"I'm sure I've exhausted Miss Moore's company," said Pansy, already grabbing Theo's arm. "Excuse us, Olivia."
"Such fickle creatures men are," said Pansy to no one in particular as she and Theo glided to the dance floor, arm in arm. "As soon as a pretty woman is in sight, they forget all about their lover. But I'm glad you're not like that Theo; Daphne is very lucky."
The two chose a spot near the middle of the dance floor, amidst most of the dancers so their conversation would go on uninterrupted.
"Stop jabbering; I was only playing with her. Though if I were ever dumped by Daphne—"
"Then I would gladly encourage your courtship and introduce Daphne to someone else to make sure there was no interference." Theo gave Pansy a wry smile which she returned.
The two whirled in between two couples, Theo swinging Pansy out before pulling her back to his side as the temp of the music increased.
"Anyway," said Theo, "You are far worse, going on to that American about a non-existent relationship. If I had left you there any longer, you would suffer a far worse humiliation."
Theo was a good six inches taller than Pansy, so she had to crane her neck to see his face properly. His tone had become serious and he looked slightly grim, though she doubted anyone from far away would be able to tell as much.
"We're just cooling off," said Pansy, unable to keep the slight irritation out of her voice. She was sick of people critiquing her relationship, especially Theo, who just seemed to butt his nose in where it didn't belong. "We can both be a little hot-headed sometimes and—"
Pansy cut off as she saw the look Theo gave her. She couldn't stand it, that pity in his eyes, and she quickly broke the eye contact.
"I've just heard from Daphne," Theo said after a heavy silence between them. "She would have told you herself, but she is involved as well and her parents would have been suspicious if she went to see you."
The dance finished and the two separated, Theo bowing and Pansy curtsying, their faces hidden from the rest of the crowd.
Just as she lifted her head, Theo said in a voice hardly above a whisper, "Arrangements are being made for Draco and Astoria's engagement."
Almost as if on cue, a commotion started near the entrance and Draco strode in with black dress robes with petite Astoria on his arm, looking sappy and disgustingly happy with rich, purple dress robes.
"You should probably leave, while everyone is distracted," Theo was whispering behind her, but Pansy didn't move at all.
Never, ever had Draco shown up at a party with a woman other than her. She felt slightly dizzy for a moment as she continued to watch Draco and Astoria progress through the ballroom chatting idly with the group surrounding them.
That should be me, she thought, her eyes landing on little Astoria who was barely visible through the thicket of people. That should be me on Draco's arm, not her, she thought, getting angrier with every second.
Pansy was ready to bust through that crowd and rip off Astoria's arm, but Draco's face became visible for a moment and his eyes locked with hers.
She expected a smirk, some type of triumphant look that said "See how easily I can replace you?" But instead he gave a formal nod of acknowledgement. Astoria, practically bouncing on his arm, saw Pansy as well and did the same before the two and their companions moved onto their table.
If Daphne hadn't appeared and taken her home, Pansy would have probably stood there the entire night in a sort of daze as Theo attempted vainly to get her out of the room.
Pansy knew that night she had lost Draco. Or maybe she had never had him. She always thought that she had him at her will, that she would always have him like that. But that little nod had been the sign that she and Draco could not go back, that they would always be strangers after that moment.
Pansy dabbed at her eyes with her wand, making the bags from the last several months invisible once more. She had washed her face in the bathroom, which was thankfully empty, until she couldn't distinguish tears from the running water.
She lifted her wand to fix her hair before putting it down to get a god look at herself. Even with her now limp hair and makeup-less face, Pansy wasn't anything to sneer at. She was a moderately successful, pretty young woman with enough family money to back it all up.
What did she need Draco for? Wealth? Prestige? Looks? There were plenty of pure-bloods out there like that would gladly accept her without a second thought. Draco isn't the only man in the world. Sure, she had been dumped brutally, but it was just a bump in the road, nothing that she wouldn't be able to overcome.
She could do this; she could watch Draco accept another woman as his wife and watch everyone rejoice in their union. She could even be happy for them and congratulate them herself without feeling the least bit of resentment.
Yes, I can do this, she thought to herself as she examined her reflection in the mirror when she finished fixing her hair and makeup. Straightening her dress robes, she confidently walked out of the bathroom only to see Draco walking past.
He turned his head as he heard the clack of her heels and the squeak of the door as it swung shut behind her. He slowed in his gait before coming to an absolute halt and turning around completely to face her.
Ah, this feeling, she thought as she and Draco stared at each other. This is what I need Draco for. All of her senses were tingling and her heart was pounding so hard she was sure Draco could hear it in this awkward silence.
"So," said Draco finally, "you decided to come." He gave her a look over and smiled, genuinely smiled. "You look nice."
Pansy struggled to regain control of her senses to give a proper response. There were a million things she wanted to say to Draco of course, the two hadn't spoken in months, things she had been dying to say since his engagement to Astoria had been announced.
But something held her back from saying those things she had imagined herself saying to him so many times. Now was not the time, no it would never be the time to say what she wanted to say.
"Actually," Draco continued, "I invited you because I thought that if I didn't invite you, you would come." He gave a small chuckle. "I guess I was wrong; I never could predict how you would act." He sighed, a little wistfully. "That's probably why we didn't work out."
Pansy remained silent, still unsure of what the proper thing was to say.
"It wasn't easy for you to come here," said Draco. "Knowing you, you probably agonized over it for days after you got the invitation. I can imagine you buying and returning numerous dress robes as you argued with yourself about whether you should come or not.
"It was strange right, getting the invitation? We never officially broke it off, not really. Honestly, I wanted to let go of you for a long time Pansy." He was looking straight at her, his eyes not hiding any malice or hidden intentions, but purely honest.
"But I couldn't, I didn't have the courage to. Even when I was with Astoria," and Pansy felt for a moment like something was choking her at Astoria's name, "I felt dirty, wrong, because I still felt attached to you.
"The last time we saw each other, I actually had to stop myself from going to see you after the party was over. But," and he laughed a little, "I was more afraid of you coming to me, taking me again and being stuck in that relationship again without being able to break free.
"But you didn't; you never came. You let go and because you did, I could finally let go of you Pansy. I thought I would never have to worry about what was between you and me again."
Draco shifted nervously, as if battling with what he wanted to say next.
"When I heard you were here, I was scared. I was scared I would see you and remember and come back to you because you still had a hold upon me."
A silence ensued for a moment and Pansy was finally able to find her voice.
"And do I?" Her voice came out tentatively, quietly. She was too scared of the answer to speak more boldly. "Do I still have a hold upon you?"
"No," said Draco after a while. "Or at least, the hold you have on me isn't as strong as it used to be. I wanted to walk right past you when you came out of the bathroom, like I never saw you. But I saw your face, I saw you looking at me the way you're looking at me now. Don't look like that Pansy," he said pleadingly, "don't look at me like that."
"How can I not?" she asked, her voice choking. "How can I not look at you this way, knowing that we can't go back; knowing that our relationship was nothing but a burden to you; knowing that you don't love me, that you never loved me!"
Her voice trembled near the end and she felt the tears burn tracks down her face as she turned her face so Draco couldn't see her wipe them away.
"I never said that," said Draco quietly. "I never said I didn't love you. Our relationship was hard, overwhelming and I couldn't escape it because I loved you. I was scared of how much I loved you. But now…"
He trailed off as Pansy turned to him, tears still moving silently down her face, waiting for him to continue.
"Draco!"
The two turned to see Daphne hurrying towards them in pale green dress robes, her red hair looking like it was falling out of whatever elegant style that she had had it in for the occasion.
Pansy quickly wiped at her face to get rid of the tears as Daphne drew closer and did her best to adopt the usual social smile. The last thing Daphne needed to see on her little sister's wedding day was her crying over Draco.
"Where have you been?" Daphne chided as soon as she stopped in front of the two. "Theo said you had disappeared and everyone was worried that you had—" She stopped, looking between Pansy and Draco, the situation suddenly dawning on her.
"Run off?" supplied Pansy, her voice speaking entirely on its own. "Does Draco strike you as the type of wizard to leave his fiancée on their wedding day? It's ridiculous, right Draco?" she said laughing.
"Yeah," said Draco, easily slipping into the act.
Daphne looked between them, obviously still uneasy about seeing them together.
"We were just catching up," continued Draco. "We ran into each other and it's been so long since we've seen each other that I guess we just lost track of the time. If you'll excuse me then; it was good to see you again Pansy."
He hurried off, never turning back to look at them.
"Catching up my ass," said Daphne as Draco went out of sight. "That's why you're here crying your eyes out and Draco's looking all sentimental? Tell me honestly Pansy," she said, her brown eyes fixing on Pansy's blue ones. "You better not have come here to make a mess of this wedding, because if you did—"
"It's nothing like that," said Pansy tiredly. "I didn't even think I would be able to see Draco until he was at the altar swearing his vows. We ran into each other, like he said and got to talking."
Daphne, still looking unconvinced, asked, "About what?"
"We needed closure Daph. I needed closure and that's why I'm standing here blubbering. It's over and even if I wanted to, I can't get Draco back so don't try to reprimand me."
Daphne's hard eyes softened at the expression on Pansy's face and she pulled her best friend into a hug. "I'm sorry," Daphne said, rubbing her back. "But it's good for you, you know? You and Draco."
"Yeah, I know," said Pansy as the two pulled apart. "You better go; the ceremony's starting soon and they can't go on without the maid of honor."
"Okay. Are you sure you won't burst into tears during the wedding?"
"Give me some credit; I do have a reputation to uphold." Pansy had already whipped out a mirror and was fixing the make-up that had smeared.
Daphne smiled a little. "Alright, but I'll be watching you. Let's go out for lunch tomorrow okay?"
"To hear your details of how this wedding has been nothing but absolute torture for you and that you couldn't wait for it to be over. I'll pass. Now go on, you're going to make the wedding run late."
Pansy was able to go back to the Ceremony Hall, smiling as if nothing went wrong and was able to keep Blaise and the others who were sitting with them engaged in gay, civil conversation.
Everything seemed okay now. She could smile now without feeling as if she had pins stuck in her cheeks that were holding up her lips. She could laugh without feeling forced. She talked easily with others without feeling they were mocking her. She was able to watch the ceremony without thinking it was all a farce. It was a wedding again.
"She's beautiful, isn't she?" said Pansy loudly to Blaise over the momentous applause and crying that was going on after Draco and Astoria were married.
Blaise nodded in agreement as the couple progressed down the aisle. He hadn't asked what had taken her so long or if she was okay; Pansy had made it clear that that was a topic for another time.
"When I get married, I want to be just like that," Pansy continued. "Happy and with no regrets."
"You don't think Draco has any regrets?"
Draco and Astoria passed by their aisle and Pansy got the chance to see Draco's face. He was facing straight ahead, but he couldn't keep his eyes off of his new bride.
"He doesn't," said Pansy confidently. "So I won't either."
A/N: I started writing this a little after I finished Slytherin Reflections a while back, I seemed to be stuck in a Draco/Pansy phase, and was surprised when I found it recently and it had no ending, so I thought I'd polish it up and finish it. It's not much, but I hope you enjoy it!