This idea came to me out of nowhere. But this is crack, really. Don't take it too seriously. I just thought I might as well post it 'cause it made me smile. It's the first oneshot I've done so I hope people will enjoy reading it. It has implied Taito and possibly implied Taiora, though more of the former since I'm partial to it :) Just in conversation though. It's more humor than anything else. Well, enjoy. It's my first time writing Digimon so I apologize for any OOCness. I'll be using Japanese suffixes 'cause it sounds strange without them...hope that won't be a bother.
-san: Used to address someone older than you, in respect
-kun: Used in respect, can be used to address someone younger or the same age. Usually used for boys but can be used for girls too.
Onii-chan: Informal term for big brother
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.
"Hey, Yamato?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm bored." Taichi stated plainly.
"So?" Yamato returned nonchalantly.
Taichi grinned and turned to face him. "So I want to have fun!"
Yamato was almost amused. "And this fun would entail?"
Taichi's grin widened and he clapped his hand on Yamato's shoulder.
"I know! Have sex with me."
Yamato stared. "What?"
Taichi blinked at him, "C'mon, it should be fun!" He smiled widely at the flustered blond.
"Have sex with me, Yamato?"
"YOU PERVERT!"
The Digidestined started as a high pitched voice teetering dangerously close to sounding feminine pierced through the relaxed atmosphere, followed by the sound of a hard slap and a yelp of pain.
"Ow! What the hell, Yamato?!"
The Chosen Children blinked as the lone wolf of their group stomped heavily past them, a scowl on his lips and a darkening blush on his cheeks, his fist clenched.
"Yamato!" Gabumon called to his partner as he looked up, "Where are you going?"
The blond didn't reply, and the digimon frowned slightly before getting up from the ground and trotting after his partner. "Wait, Yamato!"
"Taichi," Agumon said concernedly as the brunette winced, "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Agumon." Taichi said grumpily, glaring after Yamato's retreating back. He touched his stinging cheek gingerly. "Geez, what's his problem? What did I do now?!"
Sora sighed from where she was leaning against a tree. She rose to her feet and strode towards Taichi as Agumon blinked and walked back to his tree once he had made sure his partner was fine and not heavily injured. Sora's hands were on her hips, "Yeah, what did you do, Taichi?" She asked in exasperation. "Yamato-kun doesn't just scream and walk away like that for no reason. Can't you two stop fighting for once?"
"He seemed really angry." Jyou agreed as he and the others walked up to Taichi and Sora. "I didn't know his voice could go so high." He muttered, wincing.
"And embarrassed!" Mimi added, blinking. "Why did Yamato-san call you a pervert, Taichi?" She asked curiously. "I thought that term was only for boys who annoyed or did bad things to girls!"
Takeru gasped. "You did something bad to my Onii-chan?" He paused. "But Onii-chan isn't a girl!"
"I'm confused too." Koushiro admitted.
"Spill, Taichi." Sora practically demanded.
Taichi winced. He looked around at the curious faces of his friends. The Digimon were sleeping, and Gabumon had gone with Yamato.
"I didn't do anything, really," he said defensively, "I was bored, so I just asked him if he wanted to have sex with me!"
"WHAT!?" Sora screeched.
"Sorry Taichi-san, but I believe I heard you wrongly," Koushiro said slowly, disbelief in his voice, "Did you say you just asked Yamato-san if he wanted to have…sex with you?" He flushed a little.
Taichi blinked. "Yeah, I did." He said. "What's wrong?"
"T-Taichi," Jyou stuttered as Koushiro gaped. "D-Do you even know what sex is?!"
"I do!" Taichi said, a little indignant. "Why?"
"Taichi-san I can't believe you!" Mimi was shouting at him, her face clouded with red, "H-How could you ask Yamato-san that?! You really are a pervert!"
With those words, she reached out, dealt a slap to the cheek Yamato had slapped, shot a glare at him and walked away in a huff.
"Ah, Mimi-kun!" Jyou called concernedly but she ignored him.
"Eh? Why is Mimi-san so angry?" Takeru asked, blinking innocently. "What's sex? Is it bad?"
"Beats me." Taichi replied, rubbing his abused cheek with a grimace. "Ow ow that stings! How can it be bad? It's supposed to be fun!"
"Hmmm." Takeru said. He yawned, "I'm sleepy…I wonder where Onii-chan is."
"Ah, you can go to sleep, Takeru-kun," Sora smiled at him gently, and he blinked at her. "I'm sure Yamato-kun will come back later."
"Really?" Takeru asked.
"Really."
Takeru smiled. "Okay then," he said happily. "I'll go to sleep until Onii-chan comes back!" He paused, looking up at Taichi. "Taichi-san, you said something bad to Onii-chan right? You better apologize to him later!"
Taichi blinked. "U-Uh yeah, sure…"
Takeru smiled, satisfied. He turned and made his way to where their digimon were sleeping, and Sora, Jyou and Koushiro turned their attention back to Taichi.
"So Taichi," Sora said, eyebrow twitching, "Would you care to explain to us your definition of sex?" She grimaced.
Taichi crossed his arms, "My mother told me sex is something you do with someone you really like but you can only do it when you're old enough!" He recounted, "So she told me not to ask about it anymore. Since I couldn't do it I asked her what sex was like and she said it was something like having fun. I asked if it was something to do when you got bored and she told me it was something like that!" He finished with an almost smug tone in his voice. "So you see, I do know what sex is! It's like having fun! I was really bored just now and I really like Yamato so I asked him to have sex with me!" The brunette pouted. "I have no idea why he got angry and hit me! I just wanted to have sex with him!"
Jyou, Koushiro and Sora winced and sighed in relief at the same time. If Yamato had heard that they would bet that Taichi's other cheek would be bruised beyond repair.
Sora rubbed her temples in an attempt to gather her scattered shreds of patience. "Right. Taichi, I'm afraid you have the wrong definition of sex."
"I do?" Taichi questioned, surprised. "But it's the definition my mother gave me!"
Sora ignored him, "First, Taichi," she held up a finger. She could not believe she was explaining this, to Taichi, of all people! "Sex is something that can only be done with a boy and a girl."
"A boy and a girl? It can't be done with two guys?" Sora shook her head. Taichi looked disappointed. "So I can't have sex with Yamato?"
Sora grimaced, and shook her head again. "No of course you can't have sex with Yamato!" She shouted, twitching,
"Why?"
"Because Yamato's not a girl!"
"So?"
"H-He lacks the…necessary parts!" Sora flushed.
"Parts, like toy parts?" Taichi grinned, brown eyes shining eagerly. He pumped a fist into his palm. "Oh I get it! Sex is like a toy, right? Or a game? That's why you can have fun!" Sora, Jyou and Koushiro stared at him and Taichi tilted his head, grinning, "So, where can I get those parts for Yamato?"
Sora slapped a hand to her forehead, her patience dissipating away despite her efforts. Why was she even doing this?!
"But, if I can't have sex with Yamato…" Taichi started and Sora blinked. "You said sex can only be played with a guy and a girl, right?" He smiled. "Hey Sora. I'm bored, can I have se-mph!"
"YAGAMI TAICHI!" Sora screamed into his ear, flushing in embarrassment as she glared at him, a hand over his mouth. "Don't even finish that sentence or I'll give you a black eye! Do you hear me!?"
Taichi nodded, looking surprised and slightly fearful. Sora huffed and pulled her hand away, whirling to face the silent Koushiro and Jyou. "You boys handle him!" She jabbed a finger at them, causing them to start in surprise. "When you're done, make sure he knows what sex is!"
"Ah wait, Sora-kun-" Jyou sighed as Sora ignored him as Mimi had, as she walked over to the other girl, spreading her hands and looking like she was complaining to her female companion.
Jyou sweatdropped. He and Koushiro shared a glance, before they turned back to the still puzzled Taichi. Sometimes it was hard to believe Taichi was their leader. This was one of those rare times.
"Taichi-san...you didn't take health class, did you?"
"Health class?"
"Yeah, sex ed," Jyou confirmed, "You know, the special class that's conducted for us?"
"Special class?" Taichi looked thoughtful. He frowned, before saying, "Was it that class where they talked about growing up and stuff? I think I fell asleep in that."
Koushiro nodded in realization, still looking uncomfortable but less than before. "Sex, Taichi-san, is something that you do when you grow up," he explained in a scientific manner. "When you go through puberty."
"That's when you get the urge for, um, sex," Jyou added, blushing slightly. He inhaled. If he was going to be a doctor he had to explain biological concepts to his patients in the future. He could do this. Yes, he could. "Sex isn't a toy or a game. It's something that, um, makes babies…"
"Taichi-san," Koushiro said when he saw that Jyou looked a bit too uncomfortable to continue. His cheeks turned a light pink. "Do you know how babies are made?"
"I know, a crane drops them, right?" Taichi said brightly.
"Actually no, though I used to believe that too…" Koushiro muttered. "Jyou-san?"
"Uh, yeah." Jyou flushed at the thought of having to explain sex. He looked to his unfortunate partner, who was looking like he was wishing he had never left his beloved laptop to satisfy his curiosity.
Well, curiosity killed the cat. Jyou sighed again, then looked up to Taichi. He shared a glance with Koushiro. This was going to be one awkward conversation…why did Sora leave them to do the explaining?
"Yamato-kun could be the one explaining this to him." Jyou couldn't help but voice to Koushiro.
"I know," Koushiro said with effort, grimacing, "But unfortunately, he isn't here. And with what Taichi-san said to him, I don't think we should blame him."
Jyou winced.
"Hurry up, Koushiro, Jyou!" Taichi said impatiently, "Just tell me what sex is already! It can't be that bad! It's supposed to be fun, right?!"
Jyou and Koushiro winced in unison. The former let out a sigh, pushed up his glasses and began the dreaded explanation to his impatient junior. Well, he was supposed to be the most responsible of their group…
"Right. Well Taichi, when a man and a woman love each other very much…"
"So to conclude, sex can only be done between a man and a woman and its primary aim is to make babies." Jyou wrapped up his lecture. "Do you understand now, Taichi?"
"Y-Yeah…" Taichi said, blushing.
"Right. So that's why Sora-san, Mimi-san and Yamato-san got angry with you." Koushiro elaborated, glad the lecture was finally over.
Taichi flushed, then groaned. "Oh god, I almost asked Sora, and I asked Yamato-" he trailed off, brushing his thumb against his reddened cheek. "No wonder he slapped me!"
"I'm surprised he didn't punch you." Sora commented grimly as she came over with Mimi.
"Yeah!" Mimi agreed heartily, frowning, "You should apologize, Taichi-san!"
"He probably misunderstands." Jyou pointed out. "You better clear things up with him."
Just then, the padding of feet sounded and the Digidestined turned to look at Yamato, with Gabumon beside him. "Yamato-kun," Sora began.
Yamato raised an eyebrow at her. He turned and nodded to Gabumon, who made his way to Agumon's side under the shady tree. The blond walked forward, hands in his pockets, his cool demeanor seeming to have returned. "What's with this group meeting?" He asked.
"Um, we just finished explaining to Taichi the meaning of sex," Jyou informed him hesitantly. "He didn't know what sex was. So when he said that to you…"
"Is that so," Yamato said, but he couldn't hide the slight pink tint on his face. "Good for him then."
He turned to Taichi, "So Taichi, what is sex?" Yamato pronounced the provocative word succinctly.
Taichi flushed. "Uh, when a man and a woman love each other very much…"
Yamato blinked. He snorted, then turned, walking away. Taichi looked up, calling after him. "Yamato! I-"
"Taichi," Yamato said coolly. He had turned around, cutting off Taichi's next words as he glowered at the brunette, and the Digidestined were now sure the loner of their group was blushing as he hissed lowly, his voice sounding almost dangerous. "Never ask me that again."
Taichi blanched as his best friend shot one last icy glare at him, then stalked away. He let out a groan and collapsed onto his knees on the ground, his hands messing up his already messy hair as he whined pitifully.
"Argh, I'm such an idiot- I've screwed up our friendship!" Taichi banged his fists on his head. "Idiot, idiot idiot!"
"Well," Jyou said, trying to be helpful, "At least he knows now right?"
Taichi just groaned louder and Koushiro sweatdropped. "He'll forgive you, Taichi-san." He said reassuringly.
"I'm sure Yamato-san isn't the type to hold grudges!" Jyou tried comfortingly.
"But he is!" Taichi protested, tugging at the ends of his spiky hair. He pouted and turned his head, shouting to the blond who ignored him blandly. "I'm sorry, Yamato! I'm sorrrryyyyyy!"
Mimi and Sora looked at Taichi who was shouting apologies to Yamato who paid them no heed, and to Jyou and Koushiro who were trying awkwardly to reassure him of Yamato's forgiveness at the sight of Taichi's pathetic state. They then looked at each other, sharing an exasperated sigh and placing their hands on their hips.
"Boys…"
I'm not Japanese so I don't know if they learn about sex in elementary school but we were given a talk here, so...it may have been optional though. I can't really remember.
Please review :) Should I do a next chapter where Tai attempts to gain Yamato's forgiveness? It'll probably lean towards Taito though.