A/N
A little idea that spawned from watching MacGyver of all things. ^^ The episode is called 'Good Knight MacGyver'. Anywhoo, this is a little funny and cracky piece about our fav pharaoh and thief.
Great thanks to Chicary for being an awesome beta, and for her help with the title. I owe that one completely to her.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. And if you thought I did, well then...
"Boy, you could use some deodorant!" Atem wrinkled his nose and tried to hide it away from the origin of the foul smell, currently lying splayed on top of him. The source of the smell growled back at him.
"Well, what do you expect from having to live in a filthy cave? If it weren't for you and your guards never giving me a moment of piece, I would have had the time to clean and take a bath!"
Bakura lay on top of Atem, who, in turn, lay on his stomach, facing a rather unpleasant sight.
Beneath the pharaoh and the thief was a deep abyss, the only thing holding the two up being a narrow beam.
"Could you please just get off me?"
"And fall down and kill myself? You'd like that wouldn't you, pharaoh? You go first."
"How! You're on top of me, I can't move!" Atem was seriously starting to question how this could be the mastermind thief who had managed to elude his palace guards for such a long time. The man was clearly an idiot. He drew in breath and stated slowly.
"Just crawl forward and onto the ledge. And make sure to hold your balance."
Bakura grumbled and started to crawl forward, reluctantly admitting to himself that the pharaoh was right. Not that the man under him was of the brightest kind. He was, after all, the reason for them being in this awkward position. Had it not been for the pharaoh and his compulsive need to be a hero, they wouldn't have walked into this mess.
It had been such a good plan too. Kidnap the pharaoh's little girlfriend and wait for the pharaoh to pay the ransom. But nooo, the Ra damned pharaoh just had to come rescue her. And now they we're as good as lost in Bakura's own cave.
"Are you done yet?" The muffled voice of the pharaoh sounded anything but happy over having a smelly thief king crawling all over him.
"Oh, shut up. It's not my fault we're here." Finally managing to scramble off the pharaoh and onto the ledge on the other side of the abyss, Bakura turned to glare at Atem.
Atem lifted his head up and drew a much needed breath of fresh air. After this, he was close to considering giving the thief a day off once in a while. If, for nothing else, at least to spare the noses of his guards once they caught the man..
"Are you saying that this is my fault? Forgive me, but it was not I who kidnapped your best friend and by doing so forced you to come save her as a result."
Atem warily rose onto his knees and elbows before crawling over to the ledge himself, all the while keeping an eye on Bakura. He was surprised that he had not yet tried to push him down the abyss. After all, if Bakura wanted to get rid of him, this was an excellent opportunity.
"Of course not. I have no friends, all I have are my devoted lackeys." When Bakura crossed his arms and turned his head away, Atem could have sworn he heard a tinge of jealousy in his voice. However, Bakura's next comment put an end to any kind of thought in that direction.
"Now, how the hell are you gonna get us out of this mess? It's your fault after all."
"How can it be my fault? You are the one who kidnapped Mana." Atem stared at Bakura in bafflement, for the moment forgetting his anger.
"Yes, but I am not the one insisting on playing the hero by trying to save her. Had it not been for you dragging me into this tunnel and then tripping like that I would never have had to crawl over you royal butt like it was a cushion."
Atem's anger was quickly returning and he glared at Bakura.
"Playing the hero? I do no such thing! It is my duty as pharaoh to care for the people's well being! And I did not ask for you to follow me"
Bakura huffed and turned his head back towards the other.
"Convenient excuse you've got there. And is it also your duty to always run around saving kittens and making an honest thief look ten times worse in the eyes of the public? And if not that was bad enough, your last plundering of Nubia made me look even more useless!" Bakura was screaming into Atem's face, his eyes almost popping out of their sockets. "If the pharaoh steals more treasure then the thief king, how is the thief king gonna keep up appearances!"
Atem, on the other hand, met the insane glare with a cold glare of his own.
"You're calling me, the pharaoh, a thief?
Had Bakura been in full possession of his senses, he might have been warned by the pharaoh's uncannily calm tone. However, he was far from it and kept screaming.
"Of course you're a thief! What else do you call taking what's not yours?"
The next thing Bakura knew he was lying on his back, jaw aching from where Atem's fist had hit him and staring up at the enraged pharaoh.
"Your insolence is beyond belief. I demand you take it back."
Bakura chuckled and wiped the blood from his broken lip as he stood up, raising an eyebrow.
"Seems like I hit a sore spot. So tell me, pharaoh, how does one manage to be loved for his thefts?"
"I am no thief!"
"Oh, but you are. You may hide behind that crown of yours but you're still a thief. And you're ruining my reputation!"
Atem could not believe what he was hearing.
"Let me get this straight, you're jealous because you think I'm a better thief then you?"
"Not exactly jealous." The thief huffed and crossed his arms once again.
"Suure."
"I am not!"
"Fine, your not then. And I am no thief."
Atem, too, crossed his arms and for the next couple of minutes, the both of them stood watching each other in silence. Each waited for the other to make the next move.
Atem found himself wondering about the logic and insolence of this thief, calling the spoils of war, Egypt-protecting wars, theft.
Bakura on the other hand was wondering about how such a thick-headed idiot ever became pharaoh. And a loved one at that. Losing his patience, he snapped at said pharaoh.
"So, how are you getting us out of this mess of yours, hero?"
"Stop calling me that!"
"What, you prefer 'thief' all of a sudden?"
"How in Ra's name have you been at large for this long? You are an insane idiot."
"Hey! I might be insane, but I'm no idiot. And you're not exactly the brightest in the bunch, look where you've gotten us!"
"Again with the blaming me for your actions. If you weren't so busy blaming others for your mistakes, perhaps you'd be a happier person!"
"I am happy! I have my gold and I have my lackeys, that's all I need."
"So that's why you're going around kidnapping people. 'Cause your so happy?"
"It happens to be a hobby of mine, yes."
"And what about me then?"
Bakura raised a brow.
"What about you?"
"Why am I still alive? If you wanted me dead this would be your opportune moment."
To Atem's immense surprise the thief started to laugh. First off it was a mere chuckle but it soon grew to the point where Bakura had trouble standing straight.
"What is wrong with you? How is my being alive or not funny?"
Bakura, who was now holding his arms around his stomach, managed to calm down enough to give an answer.
"Why would I want you dead? I can't defeat a dead person, now can I? You're safe until I've snatched all of your treasure. I will be the greatest thief before I send you to the underworld."
"How many times must I tell you that I am not a thief? And this is your cave, why should I be the one to find the way back?"
"Oh, pharaoh. I couldn't do that to you." Bakura stepped closer to Atem and kissed him before turning around and walking into one of the many tunnels. His last words echoing back to Atem who stood frozen in shock.
"I couldn't deny you to see that adoring look of your little girlfriend when you save her. I'll give you a hint though, hero. She's not in this tunnel."
Atem started from his shock and called out after Bakura.
"She's not my girlfriend!
An echoing chuckle was the only reply and, as Atem stormed down another tunnel, he could not help but wonder why he had felt the need to clarify this.
Let me know what you think!