WARNING: The following story contains references to male genitalia. However, the purpose of said genitalia (which is magical) is mostly for humor and some fluff.
I have noticed a large surge in fics recently surrounding this particular subject area. The following is absolutely NOT to be taken seriously and is certainly not intended to be offensive. It is simply a response of sorts to this trend. Personally, I feel neutral about the topic. To each their own. Sexuality and gender are not finite but on a spectrum, etc etc.
However, be advised, I will NOT be writing anything else like this. Ever. So please don't ask. It was simply an experiment with my writing, a bit of fun and a chance for me to give my own perspective on the subject in a creative way.
Now, on with the show =)
I stared down at the... thing... between my legs. Ugh. I felt a sudden rush of bile in my throat. It really was gross. I briefly mused that it was no wonder I had been so into girls my whole life... and so put off of guys. I just couldn't understand what anyone saw in this... piece of meat. It was all wrinkly and floppy. Not sexy at all. And yet now, after so many years of vowing that I would never go near one of these things, I found myself owning one.
Things weren't always this way. Hell no. In fact, they hadn't even been this way yesterday. But when I woke up this morning, there it was. A big, awkward penis sitting right where my neat little lady parts used to be. I was surprised to say the least - I ran crying into the bathroom and began pinching my arms and repeatedly slapping myself across the face. I almost thought it was a dream. A really, really bad dream. But then I remembered...
There was this super weird guy a few blocks from the school yesterday afternoon. Brittany and I were walking to the coffee shop with Sugar and Mercedes when we spotted the crowd of McKinley kids, flocking around some kind of cart. We approached curiously and heard the old owner spouting all this mumbo jumbo about 'forbidden magicks' and 'ancient voodoo'. He had a whole set up of what he claimed to be 'magical items'. As some of the girls bought jewellery and antique looking trinkets, and the boys fought over who would buy the creepy as fuck 'monkey paw', my eyes fell on a shiny little rock. It didn't look much from far away, but when you got real close, you could almost see your reflection on the surface. I felt drawn to it. And just as I was planning to discreetly slip it into my pocket without anyone seeing, the all powerful Oz (aka crazy magic man who smelled strongly of incense and cheap weed) saw me holding it and lost his shit. He started rambling on about the 'powerful and unpredictable curse' of the thing, saying that I might get 'much more than I bargained for'.
I rolled my eyes at him. The lengths some people will go to just to make a few bucks. It was pathetic. Besides, I'm Santana Lopez. Since when do I scare off? Especially of getting 'cursed' by some lame rock? Not surprisingly though, Brittany bought into the guy's act and gave me a worried look. I squeezed her hand in mine, silently reassuring her that there was nothing to worry about.
I had to buy it. I couldn't let anyone from school see me backing down from this joker's ridiculous threats. I was still the baddest bitch in town and there was no way anyone was thinking otherwise.
When we got home later (and by 'home' I mean, to Brittany's house) I played with the stone for a bit, enjoying the way the light bounced off its smooth, silvery surface. But then, I got distracted by something much more intriguing. My very naked, very wet girlfriend. When Brittany got out of the shower, she practically jumped on top of me, knocking the stone away and completely diverting my attention to her killer body and sinful tongue.
After that, it was more than easy to forget about the rock. We spent the majority of the night doing what we do best and fell asleep in each other's arms, content and peaceful.
When I woke up though, I found this.
This... thing. This disgusting, horrifying, extra hunk of droopy male anatomy that most definitely should not be there.
After I finished freaking out, I sat down on the bathroom floor and tried to put the pieces together. Before I went into full panic mode, I just had to look at the facts and figure it out:
1. Girls do not grow penises over night.
2. This was some out of this world shit.
3. I got a weird rock thingy yesterday, which I was told was capable of 'out of this world' shit.
4. In conclusion, the fucking rock gave me a penis.
Why? Was it some kind of sick, twisted punishment? What for? I hadn't been any more bad than usual. What kind of rock has a curse that gives out penises for fun? That fucking Homeless Houdini should have labelled it 'The Cock Rock'. I mean, 'much more than I bargained for'? Come on! This is taking that riddle crap way too far.
I sighed heavily. I was done pulling my hair out and hyperventilating. At least for now. All that flipping out was starting to give me a major migraine.
The thing was there. I couldn't chop it off... Well, not without severe blood loss and/or infection, more than likely leading to death. So that option was out. I could try and find that Dumbledore wannabe stall owner and beat him up until he reversed it. But somehow I could just see him oh so predictably telling me there was nothing he could do and I would need to 'find the answer' within myself. Finally, I figured I could hope for the best and wait it out until the effects wore off or got reversed or whatever... that's the way these things usually tended to go in the movies... so why not?
It was a Saturday after all. No school. No Cheerios. Maybe it was one of those 24-hour-penis dealies? That wouldn't be so bad.
Wait, what? Not so bad? What the fuck is wrong with me? Did the dick make me fucking stupid and delusional too?
Okay, I've officially lost it.
I looked down at the limp hot-dog between my legs once more, prodding it curiously. I had to pee. At least, I think I did. It felt different.
And now I got to experience the convenience (and challenge) of being able to do that standing up.
I heaved yet another dramatic sigh and got up off the cold, hard tiles, before moving over to the toilet. But just as I was about to take my first shot at controlling this horrid flesh monster, I heard a knock on the door.
"San? Are you okay? Jamie said she heard crying and banging."
Shit. Brittany.
I totally forgot I was still at her house.
She sounded groggy and tired. Obviously I hadn't woken her up when I jumped out of her bed before and bolted down the hallway (she always was the most adorable deep-sleeper), but I'd managed to alert her little sister of my torment.
"Uhhh..." Fuck. It was one thing for me to know about this... but explaining it to Brittany? Even if she was the most accepting person I knew and had an incredibly creative way of looking at things, I wasn't sure if my girlfriend would be able to handle this new development in our relationship.
"What's wrong baby? Why is the door locked?"
I heard her pawing at the doorknob. Come on Lopez. Think fast.
"Um... I... I... stubbed my toe when I got out of bed!" Yeah that'll work. "I think it's broken."
"What? That's awful! Let me in so I can see San."
I gritted my teeth. That was dumb a move if there ever was one. Of course your girlfriend is going to care if you hurt yourself. Not so smart now are you Lopez?
"I... uh... I can't. I'm...I'm stuck on the floor."
"Um... okay. I'll go get my Dad to break in then so I can help you."
I stared in disbelief at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. What the fuck am I thinking? I'm really off my game. "No, don't! I'm naked."
There was a lengthy silence on the other side of the door. She was on to me. I could tell. Normally I was such an excellent liar. I mean yeah, with Brittany's puppy dog eyes and keen people-reading skills it was always a bit of a challenge to hide anything from her. So I usually never even tried. But in this case, I felt a little white lie was totally justified. Problem was I couldn't even do that right this morning.
I glared at my new sex organs and decided to blame them for somehow already making me fail hard like a boy. I slapped the pink flesh defiantly and had to contain a yelp when the pain shot through me. Damn, I guess that really does hurt. I almost feel sorry for all those guys I've kneed in the balls...
"Santana... What's going on? Open the door." I flinched at the way she said my name. Even through the door, I knew Brittany had put on her no nonsense face. She wasn't quite upset with me yet, but she meant business. At this point, there was pretty much no chance of talking my way out of trouble. I had to fess up or things would get ugly. And by ugly I mean teary, sparkling blue eyes and soul-crushing pouty lips.
So with a resigned groan, I unlocked the door and faced away as Brittany walked in.
"I wasn't lying, B... I am naked."
"I can see that." She said softly, shuffling up behind me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
"Britt... Don't freak out okay? But... something kinda weird happened to me last night." I paused, biting my lip. Oh God, please don't let her scream and run away... "I... um... m-my body sorta... changed."
"What do you mean honey?" She wrapped her arms around my waist, leaning her head on my shoulder.
"Well... remember that little shiny rock I bought yesterday? From that try-hard magician who looked like the bearded, unholy spawn of Doc Brown and Doctor Frankenfurter?" I said nervously.
"Mmhmmm." She mumbled, placing a kiss on the back of my neck and making me shiver a little.
"It... I think it gave me a..." Fuck, here we go. "A... Penis."
I felt Brittany's body stiffen. "A what?" She said too loudly.
"A penis?" I repeated, cringing at how much I hated even the word itself.
"That's not funny San." Brittany relaxed a little, obviously thinking this was just another one of my lame jokes.
"You're telling me." I sighed, turning in her arms and taking half a step back.
Her eyes shot to my crotch, wide and disbelieving. Her mouth gaped and twitched like a puffer fish.
"Surprise?" I grimaced sheepishly.
Brittany didn't say anything though. She just kept staring... And staring... Until finally, she spoke.
'Is... is it real?" She moved towards me, gaze locked on my boy junk.
"Yup. It's real. And unfortunately, it also appears to be functional." I flicked it with my finger dejectedly.
"But... but... How?" She reached out to touch it but obviously thought better of it and drew her hand back, covering her open mouth with her fingertips.
"Like I said before Britt... I'm pretty sure it was that crazy magic rock. Penises don't just spring up over night... Besides, Gandalf said it was cursed. Remember?" I explained as casually as I could manage. "I guess it's like a gift with purchase type deal." I teased, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Jumping jellyfish..." Brittany breathed, never looking away for a second. She only quoted Sebastian when she was really shocked... so I knew my brand new electric eel must be pushing her weird o'meter to its limits.
On the plus side though, she hadn't run away screaming yet.
"Yeah I know... This is some Freaky Friday bullshit."
There was another long pause while she nodded distractedly.
"What are you gonna do?" Brittany finally straightened up, her face twisted with worry.
I shrugged. "Well... when this curse crap happens in movies, the people have to wait until the next rising sun or... learn some kinda... you know... lesson or something." I made extremely sarcastic air quotes while I spoke.
"The movies?" Brittany raised her eyebrow at me. "But I thought you said movies weren't real?"
"They're not B." I smiled gently at her. "I really don't know how else to explain this though."
"Maybe you should go see a doctor?'
I laughed bitterly. "I don't think they'll be able to help me with this particular... ailment."
Brittany scrunched up her lips in thought. "Did the rock come with instructions? Like, in the box you got it in?"
I furrowed my brow. It was a long shot. What kind of rock needs instructions?
Then again, what kind of rock turns you into a human chia pet that sprouts male genitalia instead of little green flowers? "Um... I'm not sure. Maybe we should go check."
I grabbed a towel from the bathroom cupboard and wrapped it around my body, feeling incredibly uncomfortable as I checked in the mirror to make sure that both my boobs and unwanted extra dangly bits were covered up by the white fluffy material. It was so surreal.
I briefly wondered if I might still wake up from this horrible nightmare.
When I lingered a bit too long, Brittany caught my eyes in the reflection and threaded her fingers through mine.
"It's gonna be okay San. I promise."
I took a deep breath in and nodded.
"Ah ha! Found it!" Brittany announced proudly, returning upright from her position hanging upside-down as she searched beneath her bed.
"You got the box?"
"Yup. It must have got kicked under there by accident last night. It was right next to the toy chest." She beamed up at me as I move to sit next to her on the mattress.
"I thought you were going to move that somewhere more secret? What if your mom finds it while she's cleaning or something?" I prodded.
Brittany giggled and blushed. "Whoops. Must have forgotten."
I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. Even in this huge mess, I couldn't help but find her irresistibly cute.
"So is there anything in there?" She handed me the small box the rock had come in and leaned over, wrapping her arm around my waist so she could watch as I opened it in my lap.
"Yeah... it's a note... handwritten... and it looks like... roman numerals."
"Huh?"
"You know, old timey numbers." I peered at the tiny strip of paper in my hands closely and read aloud. "Expires VIII, V, MMXII."
"What's that mean?"
"Umm... 8, 5, 2012... So, maybe it's a date? Like the fifth of August, 2012?"
"Hmm... today's the fourth of August. Does that mean your penis will go away tomorrow?" Brittany brightened significantly at the suggestion.
"Maybe." I allowed my hopes to rise along with her bouncing enthusiasm. Considering all things, one day with a dick might not be so bad. I mentally patted myself on the back for guessing correctly before. Movie logic totally does work. It was the best case scenario to be honest. "Yeah, hopefully. It might just disappear when I wake up tomorrow and I'll be back to my normal, sexy self."
"That's amazing San! You won't have to have any operations after all!" Brittany threw her arms around me and tackled me down to my back.
"So it would seem." I chuckled and draped my arms around her as she kissed my cheek and lips in a flurry of celebration.
As Brittany's mouth began to trail further down my neck though, I tensed.
"Uh, Britt? What are you doing?"
"What do you mean silly? I'm kissing you." She mumbled against my skin, continuing her trek down to my chest unfazed. When her teeth grazed my collarbone, I shivered and arched up slightly into her touch.
A familiar tingling began to shoot down to my groin. Familiar, yet somehow... different.
Oh no.
No.
No no no no no.
Fuck.
"B, wait. You have to stop." I panted, desperately trying to see over her head to my crotch.
"Why? I'm happy that everything's going to be okay... and you look super sexy sitting around in just a towel... Can't I have some sweet lady kisses from my girlfriend?" Brittany slithered back up my body and started nibbling on my earlobe, before thrusting the tip of her hot tongue right into my ear.
Damn, she knew me so well. I squirmed, flushing from head to toe.
"Ughhh..." I groaned and dug my fingernails into her back. The blood was very obviously rushing to my groin and I was terrified to look down to see what was happening between my legs.
Did Brittany suddenly forget why I was so upset in the first place? Did she not remember that there was a big problem hiding on my hips that would be quite the barrier to any requested sexy times?
"B... the... the..." My eyes rolled back into my head as she bit down forcefully on my shoulder. Before I could protest any further, she had slung a leg over my body and straddled my thighs, brushing unintentionally against the tent now fully formed below my waist. I moaned helplessly.
All at once, everything stopped. Brittany sat back and I opened my eyes hesitantly to watch her face as she caught up with the situation again.
It was completely mortifying to see it standing at attention. Like a freakin' solider.
I couldn't even imagine how creeped out Brittany was feeling at the sight.
"See... that's why we can't get our cuddle on. I'm not exactly... equipped for it right now." I frowned. "I'm sorry Britts. I swear I'll make it up to you tomorrow, as soon as it disappears. Okay?"
Brittany stared at me for a few long moments, dark blue eyes darting back and forth between my own in thought.
Eventually, she leaned down and captured my lips in a soft, slow kiss. "It's just a body part sweetie. It doesn't change how I feel about you. And it certainly doesn't make you any less sexy to me... I don't get off on girl bits or guys bits. You know that... I just get off on Santana."
I sighed in frustration. It was insanely sweet that Brittany was trying to make me feel better about this. But I didn't want her to feel like she had to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.
Yeah, she was never one to care about gender. It's true. Ever since freshman year, she'd always told me she found people attractive and that was all that mattered. This, however, was completely different. I wasn't a boy. I was a girl. One that just happened to own a magical penis for the day, but a girl nonetheless. It was strange, more so than anything anyone should have to deal with. Ever.
And while I had been more than a little curious in the past about what it might feel like to have fully functioning sensation in a strap-on when we used it sometimes, this was just... bizarre.
Was this really territory that we wanted to explore?
"Come on, Britt. You're not serious are you? I mean, I grew a raging trouser snake over night. It's gross."
"It's not gross... Nothing about you could ever be gross to me Santana... You're beautiful." She smiled adoringly at me and I couldn't help but melt just a tiny bit.
Then she reached down and ever so lightly brushed her palm over the protrusion in the towel.
My hips shot up in response.
"Don't you want to know what it's like to be inside me like this baby?" She purred, her other hand deftly unhooking the towel from around my breasts. "Even just for one day?"
Her words and the unbelievably sexy whisper she said them in were like an arrow of heat to my lower stomach. "I... I do... I want to be with you in every way possible, Britt. I just don't want things to get weird. I don't want you to do this just to prove that you love me no matter what... I already know you do." I replied shakily. "Besides, I won't know what the hell I'm doing."
"Neither will I..." Brittany giggled, skirting her hands up my sides and cupping my breasts in her warm palms. "But you were my first everything else... why not this too?"
I pushed up into her touch, feeling her expertly working my stiff nipples with her fingers.
"What... What if I hurt you though?" I swallowed thickly and held tightly to her hips. It was getting more and more difficult not to give in. I could feel the foreign organ between my legs straining and throbbing as it begged for attention.
"You've never hurt me before with our toys. Why would this be any different?" Brittany returned convincingly. She had an answer for everything. Fuck anyone who ever called her less than brilliant. She'd outsmarted me plenty of times.
"But-"
"Shh." She placed one delicate finger over my lips. "Why not make the best of it?"
Weird as fuck situation or not, she had a point. This temporary curse didn't have to be a total nightmare. One day of experimentation couldn't hurt. Right?
With the way she was making me feel though, I realized I was no longer capable of debating it... or protesting... or even properly understanding the reason why I was doing so in the first place.
With a tentative nod, I gave my consent.
Brittany instantly gave me one of those mind-numbing, devious smirks and quickly slipped back down my body. Her wonderful lips wrapped around one of my nipples, while her hand went lower to grasp timidly at the shaft of my uninvited new addition.
I gasped and bucked up into her hand.
"Does that feel good?" She asked, sniggering. She didn't wait for an answer as she returned to her task, swirling her tongue around the taut peak in her mouth.
I groaned and tangled my hands into her hair, pushing her face closer to my chest. "Y-yes. It's... it's strange. But... good." I panted.
She slowly began working her hand up and down the length, showing her inexperience in such an unfamiliar act, and I was torn between losing control from the sensation and wanting to stop because in my head it felt kinda unnatural.
This is completely different from a strap-on.
"Britt..." I breathed unsteadily and tugged at her shirt. I didn't finish the request but she glanced up at me and smiled, understanding perfectly.
She withdrew and quickly shed herself of her clothing before leaning back down to join our lips in a heated kiss.
With the focus off the thing between my legs, I grew much more comfortable. I kissed Brittany with vigour, caressing her tongue with my own and tugging on her bottom lip with my teeth until she let out the sexiest little whimper I'd ever heard.
Now this I know.
I smugly squeezed at her butt with one hand and pinched her nipple lightly with the other. I ran my fingertips down over her firm stomach and up the insides of her parted thighs, making her muscles ripple and shudder as she tried to hold back her fidgeting and giggles. I knew Brittany's ticklish spots like the back of my hand. And she really enjoyed being tickled.
"Mmm San..." She hummed as we continued to kiss. "I love it when you do that."
"I know." I wiggled my eyebrows and shifted down so I could lick up the length of her neck in one long stroke.
Goosebumps started to appear on her skin and I moved the hand on her ass up to her lower back to draw her closer.
As soon as Brittany shuffled forward to press our upper bodies together though, that thing got in the way again and made me lose all my game.
Her slick, hot center was brushing against the underside of it and I thought I might faint at how amazing it felt.
Blue eyes locked onto mine once more. "Should I... um..." She blushed cutely.
My face was burning with embarrassment and nerves, my heart racing against my chest. "Are you... uh... still sure you want to?"
Brittany nodded shyly and held her hand to the middle of my chest. "I'm always sure with you."
Emotion surged through me at her words and I couldn't contain the loving smile on my face. "O-okay then."
With slightly shaking legs, she lifted up her hips and wrapped her fingers around me to put us in position. Then, gradually, she lowered herself down, engulfing me further with every tiny movement.
I exhaled sharply as I held onto the tops of her thighs and felt the temporary addition to my body completely surrounded with warm velvety paradise.
"You okay?" Brittany panted. She looked a bit overwhelmed and more than a little flustered.
I could definitely sympathize.
"Yeah... Are you?"
She nodded, finally sinking all the way down and allowing our hips to meet.
I closed my eyes and tried to bask in the sensation of being so close to her, while ignoring how odd this entire thing still was. More than the desire to start pumping up into her, I felt the intimacy of our position. It was almost as good as being inside each other at the same time. Almost, but not quite. Part of me still craved to be filled by Brittany's fingers or her tongue... to have her within me.
Natural girl instincts I guess.
"You... you can move more if you want." Brittany's voice broke my train of thought and I realized that I had unconsciously begun raising my hips in a subtle, rhythmic wave.
"You too." I whispered before holding my arms out so that she would know to hold me. As sexy as it was to see her rocking back and forth on my lap, we could do that any time with a strap-on.
This was something else entirely.
We both felt the need to be overly gentle with each other, and our thrusting and grinding built ever so slowly as the minutes wore on. By the time I felt myself approaching that familiar peak, we were both covered in a thin layer of sweat and were heaving gasps into a disjointed kiss.
"Britt... I... I'm..." I puffed, wriggling a hand between our bodies so I could reach her clit. I didn't want to go over alone.
Brittany let out a little squeak of pleasure as I found her small bundle of nerves and made tight circles against the overheated flesh. She dropped her forehead to my shoulder and started bobbing her head up and down in agreement. "Me too."
With some lingering hesitance and still feeling utterly out of my usual sexual comfort zone, I moved my hips a bit faster and more firmly. Brittany seemed to like it though and let out a low, quiet moan against my damp skin.
It may not be what we were used to, but being with Brittany, regardless of how, was still all I ever wanted and more.
Her sounds, as usual, started to send me into a frenzy of passion and exhilaration. I put my reluctance and inner turmoil to the side and increased my pace further, instead focusing hungrily on every single reaction, big and small, that came from her body.
The heat that surrounded my fleeting addition was tightening and I was teetering on the edge of ecstasy.
It seemed Brittany was going to reach it first though.
She let out a muffled moan and bit down hard on the skin of my neck as she ground her hips into me, inner muscles contracting and pulsating in the most amazing way.
I couldn't help but follow her blindly, spasming and groaning as I come undone in a mess of clumsy limbs and quivering nerves.
We lay together trying to catch our breath for what felt like hours.
Finally though, I broke the silence. "Are you alright B? Not too weird?"
Brittany grinned and lifted her head to meet my eyes. "I already told you San. It's not weird because it's you."
I laughed at her probably illogical but still adorable reassurance.
"I love you."
"I love you, too... always and forever." She pressed a tender kiss to my lips and shifted into her favored big spoon position.
"Always and forever." I sighed happily, too tired and sated to bother thinking about my little problem any longer.
When I woke up after our ultra long, post-orgasmic nap and saw that the clock already read 12:05am, the first thing I did was check for any extra bits hanging between my legs.
With a huge sigh of relief I saw that my lovely lady parts were all back to normal.
And while I had to admit that it was certainly an interesting experience being with Brittany in a way I never thought possible, I fucking love being a girl.