A/N- Hello, all! Witch O' Miracles, formerly known as Sailor Popstar, back writing again! What I thought was going to be a permanent leave only turned out to be a brief hiatus, so I'm back with stories once more. This was an idea that came to me the other day, and I was so eager to write it that I actually got it done a lot sooner than I had planned. This is the first chapter in "A Mary Sue Story", which is a parody of the Mary Sue plague that has swept every fandom of Fanfiction. Note, this is a parody and thus it is not meant to be taken seriously. This is simply for entertainment and to point out the evilness of Mary Sues. It's probably not my best work, but once more, it's a parody. I hope to be back with 'real' stories soon, but for now, please enjoy my attempt at humor.~
"Escargon!"
Said snail jolted upright from his slouched position in the leather armchair, upon which he'd been eagerly devouring a rather intense and intriguing novel, at the sound of his name reverberating through the hallways of Castle Dedede. Quickly realizing that it was simply his Majesty summoning his right hand man to complete yet another mundane task, Escargon gave an exasperated sigh and lethargically hoisted himself out of the chair and onto the cold, stone floor of the library. After dog earring his current page in order to mark his progress, he slithered in the direction of Dedede's throne room.
"Escargon!"
His pace increased rapidly as the king's gruff voice amplified in volume, and as his tone adopted a much more harsh edge that could make even the coldest hearted dictator cringe. Once he'd mentally prepared himself for the coming onslaught of orders and perhaps beatings as well, Escargon heaved open the broad doors and made his way down the red, velvet carpet towards the source of all the noise.
"Yes, your Majesty?" the snail greeted, giving a respectful bow to the glowering penguin that sat perched on his massive motorized throne.
"What took you so long? I've been calling you for the past minute and a half!" Dedede spat, giving his loyal servant a whack on the head to pour salt into the wound. "What if it had been an emergency, huh? How could you ever live with yourself if your laziness was the cause of my death? That's practically treason!"
Escargon was too busy rubbing the rather large bump that had begun to form where he'd been struck by the enraged penguin's oversized hammer to pay any mind to Dedede's childish ranting. Putting up with his antics was all in a day's work, and Escargon had seen his Majesty's usual song and dance more than enough times to know how to deal with it. He simply bit his tongue to hold back any snarky comments that could escape from his lips and worsen the situation, and withstood the tantrum in silence.
"...I might as well leave you to slither back to the hole that you crawled out of! In fact, I think that I will. Next time you aren't there to tend to my needs, I'm kicking you out of here. You got that?"
Seeing that the worst of the storm had blown over, Escargon finally responded. "Of course, your Majesty. Now, what service do you require of me?"
Dedede's expression darkened at the question. His voice became more venomous, and his eyes began to glow with a blazing fire. "It's that damn Kirby again," he spat, clenching his glove clad wings into fists. "He's defeated every single demon beast that I've ordered since his arrival! I just can't beat that disgusting little pink ball." With that, he jumped up from his seat and began to pace back and forth in thought. "We haven't been able to find out what his weakness is, and he can just copy whatever's thrown at him in order to take opponents down!"
"Perhaps we can find a demon beast that attacks in a manner that can't be copied?" the servant mused, stroking his beard as he pondered over the situation.
"Of course!" Dedede's expression brightened at the epiphany. "If Kirby can't copy anything, than he's as worthless as a Waddle Dee! It's perfect!" He gave Escargon a joyous smack on his already injured head before bursting into a chorus of triumphant laughter. Aforementioned snail joined in after giving his head another quick rub. Once their victory cheer came to an end, Dedede snatched his handy dandy demon beast catalogue that he kept tucked away in his robe, and began to flick eagerly through the pages with Escargon peering over his shoulder. Their eyes skimmed hungrily over each picture and description that came equipped.
"Hmmm... what about this one?"
"Nah, that looks to wimpy."
"This one?"
"Haven't you learned by now that bigger doesn't equal better? Kirby took down Masher easily once he had the help of that elf eared kid!"
The duo's hopes began to wear thin as the list of demon beasts remaining narrowed. It seemed as if each and every one of them used a projectile or element of sorts that could easily be used against them in combat. But finally, just as they were about to call it quits and retire the catalogue to the shelf, a caption caught Escargon's eye.
"Your Majesty!" he exclaimed, excitedly jabbing the paragraph with his finger, "Look at this!"
Dedede glanced down at the newly discovered candidate. "Hmmm..." his eyes widened as he attempted to make sense of the print on the page. "Escargon? Would you mind?"
"Oh, of course. How could I have forgotten that our omnipotent king couldn't read. Ahem..." he cleared his throat and began to read the text aloud. "Demon beast number 666: Mary Sue."
"Mary Sue?" The obese ruler scoffed at the name. "That doesn't sound intimidating at all. In fact, it sounds like something that you'd read about in some cheeky little fairytale. I say that we skip it."
Escargon paid no mind to Dedede and instead continued reading. "The Mary Sue is a very frightening demon beast that possesses all the qualities of a 'perfect being.' Their powers are limitless, and they have the ability to both completely morph the personalities of those around them and make others fall in love at first sight. They leech off of the traits of those near them, turning them into shells of their former selves as well as complete wusses. The Mary Sue has no weaknesses that are currently known and it is the ideal demon beast for destroying pesky Star Warriors."
As soon as the words left Escargon's mouth, Dedede galloped over to his chair, slammed his large behind into the seat, and repeatedly mashed the 'On' button on the delivery system control pannel until Customer Service's cocky grin and peculiar colored hair appeared on the screen.
"If it isn't his Majesty and his Excellency Escargon!" Customer Service let out his trademark chuckle at the sight of his most loyal customers. "I'm guessing that the previous demon beast didn't work out, no?"
"Of course it didn't!" Dedede bellowed, slamming his fists down onto the armrests of his throne. "All this time you've just been selling us complete garbage! Kirby took them all out with ease! We're getting sick of all your creations coming up as failures."
"The competence of the user plays a role in the results, may I remind you." The salesman smirked at the lost expression on the penguin's face. "But if you don't find my personal suggestions worthy," he continued, pushing his glasses up his nose, "why don't you pick one out yourself?"
Escargon flipped the catalogue open to the page that they'd marked and held it up to the screen with urgency. "We're interested in number 666, the 'Mary Sue,'" he explained, gesturing to the appropriate picture.
Some emotion that the snail couldn't quite pick up on flickered across Customer Service's face for a brief second, before his grin quickly returned. "Well you're in luck! We just so happen to have a Mary Sue in stock right now. I'll send it over to you right now, after you pay the fee, of course."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Dedede waved a wing dismissively as the heart attack inducing price tag flashed across the monitor. He was used to Holy Nightmare's over pricing of merchandise by now, and he never bothered to pay the bill until they went after him either way.
The delivery system then came to life with a few clicks and crackles, and with a shower of light, a figure began to form on the teleporter. Escargon and Dedede shielded their eyes as the bright light started to fade, and then they both stared intently at the new arrival.
It was then that they were both hit with an emotion so powerful, it equaled the force of being struck by an eighteen wheeler truck combined with a herd of rampaging cattle. Their minds both became vacant of any thoughts other than... her. She just sat their so casually, basking in her own perfection. The two men slowly approached the apple of their eye with an intensified interest, their chilled hearts now beating at a pace that matched the wings of a hummingbird.
"Introducing Maryanne Susan, the perfect demon beast!" Customer Service announced, cackling internally at the sight of the immobilized snail and penguin. Oh, he couldn't wait to tell Nightmare about how they'd already fallen under her spell! "I'm sure that she'll be able to get the job done for you. Kirby will be absolutely powerless before her. Enjoy." With a goodbye wave, the screen turned black and folded back into the secret compartment in the wall. Maryanne gracefully leapt down from the delivery system as it to retreated into the floor and the lights flickered back to life. Dedede and Escargon continued to stare awestruck at her pure beauty and elegance.
The Mary Sue plague had begun.
A/N- I hope that you enjoyed the first installment, and as always, feedback is appreciated. I admit that it was short and not all that exciting, but once the action picks up a bit it should be more captivating to read. Chapter Two will hopefully be up in the near future, and then we'll get to see the plague take over some of our favorite knights as well as our other beloved characters. ;) Fun fun.