~Something Other than Nothing~
Author's Note: Thisis just a story I wrote one night when I couldn't sleep. I don't know where the idea came from, but it just tore at the back of my mind until I just had to write it. Don't know if it is any good but let me know what you think.
The sound of our panting breaths fills the air as we recover from the first part of our game. His body is still half on top of mine, his forehead resting on my shoulder as he breaths in the soft flowery sent of the perfume I use. Those calloused hands play along my shoulder before tangling in my shoulder-length tresses and toying with the blue and green beads sewn into a lock of hair. My hands are a mimicry of his, playing with the thong keeping his hair tied back and releasing its hold. The strands fall and tickle my exposed and damp skin. His scent is musky, with a touch of sake and flows over me like his hair.
There is a certain sort of tranquility, an inner peace, that always takes over for a fleeting moment at this point. A moment where everything feels like it didn't fall apart. A moment where Yevon's betrayal, the death of our friends and the war that followed just never happened. It is a sort of blissful forgetfulness that makes me not want to speak, but I know I must. He will not move if I don't. He does very little with me, or to me, without my permission. There is a tentativeness to him that I never would have expected six years ago.
"Tidus…" That name sounds so foreign to me now, even as I speak it. I think it sounds strange to him, too. The way he hesitates to move makes it seem so, but move he does. He knows this is only halftime, we are not finished yet.
With a low grunt he shifts us so that he lies beneath me. I gaze at his face and run a hand down his scarred cheek. A wistful smile tugs at my lips as he pulls on his game face. It is my turn to have who I want…
We've played this game before. He will pretend to be Him, and I will pretend to be Her. We both know it is fake, a twisted lie that we shouldn't share. But this lie, it helps us both with the grief we feel for the ones we have lost. It helps us get through the nights we really wish we didn't have to endure without Them. The nights that They gave us, the peace They died for, we now spend steeped in a lie we have created for ourselves.
The years have changed us physically and mentally, but our grief has never changed. Whoever said 'time heals all wounds' was never cut this deeply. The only thing that ever seems to dull the pain is Our Lie. The one we keep secret even from those who once fought at our side. Sure they know we live together, know we are more than just friends, but they don't know the horrible truth behind it all. They don't know that-- behind the stone walls of the abandoned Djose Temple we call our home -- we mimic the lives of each others dead lovers.
It is better that way, I think. Better that Wakka continues on in his happiness with Shelinda and their children back in Besaid, without knowing of the sick game we play. Much better that Kimahri is left to maintaining the tentative peace between the Guado and Ronso without the extra burden of our problems. Even better that Rikku gets to live happily in the rebuilt Home without being tainted by the darkness in our hearts.
Whenever they -- or anyone else -- shows up at our door we act accordingly. We slip back into normal behavior without a single flaw. We allow Our Lie to fade and live in the real world for as long as needed. It hurts, more than anything, but we will not let our sickness infect those we love. The two of us just act like the picture perfect couple everyone thinks we are, as odd as the picture of us together is. We are such opposites, or at least were, that us being in a relationship seems a little crazy. We've laughed at it ourselves a couple times, that sort of humorless laughter that just sounds sad instead of anywhere near happy.
But, despite how ludicrous the idea of use being a happy couple is, they all believe it. Everyone thinks we bonded in the loss of our lovers, that we had helped each other through the grieving process. They all think we have recovered from Their decisions, believe we were strong enough to move on. Oh, how wrong they are. The two of us, we lost more than our lovers that night on the rolling plains of the Calm Lands. We lost a part of ourselves that we just couldn't really live without.
An emptiness settled inside of me as the pyerflies floated towards the fading starts that night. I felt nothing at the death of two of the people I loved the most. And what made it worse was that I didn't even feel bad about it. I had finally come to accept death without feeling the heartache it brought. Though, as the sun rose behind the mountains in bloody reds and fiery oranges, I cried. Hard.
I had to try and fill myself with anything but that hallow and frightening nothingness. I had to force myself to feel something other than nothing. I called upon every emotion I knew and only one answered my call--Sadness. It was the only thing that, what was left of my heart, would allow in to fill up that emptiness within. It took up all the space inside of me that had been hallowed out by having Him torn from me and from losing my friend and my faith.
Even as all of Spira rejoiced in the Calm, I despaired in it.
I thought I was alone in being as lost as I was, but he showed me otherwise. He appeared out of nowhere the moment my tears turned to sobs, like he had been watching me and waiting for it the whole time. I really hadn't expected his own pain to distract him from the danger around us, but I was still stunned to see him standing before me. I shouldn't have been all that surprised-- he is one of the best guardians in history.
Tears stained his face as well, though he seemed to resist the urge to shake under them as I did. His resolve lasted only as long as it took for me to burry my face into his chest. He bawled with me and even though it should have been awkward, it wasn't.
We were partners in our despair.
That morning was when we began to change into the creatures we are now. It started small; sharing memories of the time spent with Them; holding each other as we fell asleep; kisses to calm when frantic rage took over. Those small and simple things began to evolve as things worsened in Spira. A war broke out between the newly formed Youth League and what was left of Yevon, a smaller one took place between the Guado and Ronso. After six months of relative peace we were needed again and we did what we could to stop the fighting. Two years would pass before that happened and during that time the two of us slipped deeper into the depression we perpetuated.
The peace They had died for was being wasted with war and it made us angry. We didn't think it was fair that their deaths meant so little to the people of Spira. Why did they have to die just so these people could fight amongst themselves? We hated it and --when the wars were over-- we closed ourselves up in Djose Temple with the Fayth.
I don't remember who's idea it was to start our game, or even if it began as a conscious decision on either of our parts. In any case, it slowly started to take over our lives until our real identities were lost in the ebb and flow of Our Lie. We faded from the real world, locked away in our fantasies and dreams. It is there that we remain, even now, when things in Spira are final---
"Lulu."
Huh? Oh, right! The game.
He looks worried, like he thinks I might be losing it. Those eyes sparkle with that long-lost innocence for an instant before I begin to move. A ragged breath escapes him and the time out is lifted. It is my turn to have who I want, there is no time for the reality of who we are. I don't want to have to see Tidus' face as I pretend it is Auron who is here with me, just as he doesn't want to see mine when he is pretending I am Yuna.
So, we go on, playing our dangerous game until we tire of it. When we collapse out of sheer exhaustion Tidus' blue eyes are on me, not Yuna. I avoid them and focus on the scar that trails from his cheek bone down to his chin, the one Seymour left him with. I am not ready to let go of the illusion yet.
"What were you thinking about before, Lu?" He is being himself now, not Auron. The tone he is using, the way he is looking at me, it is all Tidus.
I can't answer him, it would just seem stupid anyways. I just shake my head and burrow into him like I have for so long. There are just certain things I can't explain to him. I can't tell him that Our Lie is no longer working for me, or why. He would shrink away from me and I don't think I could handle that, not another loss. So, I will keep my silence and my secret: I'm in love him. Not him as Auron, but him. I've felt it coming for a while, but don't really want it. I don't want to leave Auron behind, I don't think I know how.
"It's alright." His words are slightly muffled by my hair as he buries his face in it. Tidus' hands move to the beads-- the ones that are just like Yuna's old ones --and he begins to slowly remove them. Once they are all out he rolls away from me and sets them on the nightstand.
I keep my eyes closed and, for a moment, don't think he is going to lay back down. When I look up at him he is returning to my side, his old necklace around his neck for the first time in years. I can't help but stare at it.
Before I notice, he is putting my old earrings in my ears. I only realize what he has done when he pulls me to him and begins stroking my hair. I am stunned again. He never does anything to me without my permission. Something has changed in the rules of our game.
"You should grow your hair back."
Ah, the rules haven't changed, he is just forfeiting.
"Time for a change, you know. Maybe we should head to Luca, the tournament begins in a few days. I really want to win one more game before we start the pilgrimage."
Forfeiting, and starting the old game back up. So we will play the game of reality. It sounds like a welcome change. Maybe I will feel something again. Something other than Nothing.
Sin will return soon and we will have to begin the pilgrimage anew. Did I mention I'm a summoner now? We've come up with a new plan, one that will defeat Sin for good this time. The others are going to help us and maybe, just maybe, Spira will be free. Maybe Tidus and I will be free, too.