A/N: So many feelings regarding the latest episode that I knew I had to write a coda.
So this has full spoilers for 1x11.
Disclaimer: Not mine in the least bit. Title from Typhoon's Prosthetic Love.
When Wells goes to his hotel that night, he is surprised to see Caitlin waiting for him in the foyer.
"Dr. Snow. Has something happened?"
She shakes her head slowly. "I just...Can we talk?"
He hopes the flicker of hope on his face doesn't show as much as he can feel in it blossoming in his chest. "Sure."
They make their way towards the hotel bar and he realizes something amiss. "How did you know I would be here? There are plenty of hotels in this city."
Caitlin smiles slightly. "We both know there is only one hotel you can stand in this city; all the rest are beneath it and you would never stay anywhere else."
She's got him there; he hates the thought of being anywhere else than his own private sanctuary and this hotel will have to do until he can go back.
He orders them both wine, the kind he knows that she likes and they sit in the back of the room, partially hidden from prying eyes but not totally inconspicuous. There are a few curious glances thrown their way, a soft murmur from a couple of tables and he regrets that she has to withstand it with him, that this can't happen somewhere more private where she wouldn't have to face the consequences of his actions.
"Don't worry about it."
Wells startles out of his thoughts at her soft remark and finds her regarding him with a resigned look on her face.
"I'm not a delicate flower who can't handle a few looks. I wouldn't have come if I thought it would be a problem."
He nods thoughtfully; she is more biting, more harsh than usual but it doesn't subtract from everything that he already thinks of her but only serves to add to the whole picture. Her presence here still escapes him and he can only hope that she hasn't come to tell him that she would leave.
"You never call me Dr. Snow."
Wherever he expected this conversation to go, this was definitely not where he thought she would start.
"Sure I do."
Her look is reproachful. "No, you really don't. Ever since I started working for you and didn't yet have my PhD, you always respected that and called me Caitlin."
"I thought it might be inappropriate, given the current circumstances."
"I think you knew already that you would have to tell us about the explosion, that that was Hartley's endgame and you wanted to give me a way out, to distance yourself from all of us."
Now he looks at anywhere but her; she is telling too many uncomfortable truths and just laying them all bare. He is not a man who lives his life in the truth he doesn't like but he has a feeling that tonight, she will give him no leeway, no shadows to hide behind.
"You wanted a way out because you thought we would leave."
"And you should. I don't deserve your respect or your trust. Not yours and not Cisco's. What I've done to you both is regrettable. But what I've done to you might be unforgivable."
And he means it. He might not have been Ronnie Raymond's biggest fan and he might not have completely approved of that relationship – for reasons he is reluctant to reveal even to himself – but he never wanted to witness Caitlin's heartbreak.
She nods and looks down into her glass but her eyes are dry; she will not break, he has learned it by now. There seems to be nothing that could completely crush Caitlin Snow.
"You know, after the explosion, I wanted to hate you so much."
Her voice is merely a whisper but he can hear every word perfectly clear and each one of them only confirms his silent fear that he has succeeded in doing what he intended to, that he has succeeded in driving her away. Cisco might have forgiven him and returned to the fold, confident in the knowledge that Hartley, while the first, was not the best of them. But Wells has no illusions when it comes to Caitlin and knows that even those most capable of forgiveness, like her, have their limit.
"My parents implored me to leave, to go back to Metropolis. My old adviser called me and offered me a job, any job and told me that I had to leave my past behind, that S.T.A.R. Labs was doomed and if I just left right there and then, I could maybe escape unharmed."
She lets out a derisive chuckle which sounds suspiciously like a sob but he doesn't interrupt her, waiting with bated breath for what she has to say next.
"And I tried. I tried so hard to hate this place, to hate this city, to hate S.T.A.R. Labs, to hate you for everything that had happened. And I never could do that."
Caitlin looks at him then and he is caught in the heartbroken look in her eyes, the way she commands him to hold her gaze and he doesn't dare look away.
"So I don't hate you. I don't even blame you. But I'm not sure if I've actually forgiven you for that explosion and maybe that will take longer. God, it's been over a year now and I just didn't let myself think about any of that before Hartley showed up. He really is a dick."
Despite himself, Wells smiles a little; Cisco's characterization of Hartley was apt. But he also knows that that was part of why he was hired, why he was the prodigal son – it was like looking in the mirror and seeing himself as a young man, brilliant but lonely and arrogant to a fault. He wanted to mold Hartley, to shape him, to make him into a better version of himself – less feelings, more facts – but when he actually surpassed him and tried to be more, he had no choice but to cut him loose.
"I'm sorry, Caitlin. The last thing I ever wanted was for you to get hurt. I was foolish and reckless with everyone's lives. I thought it was worth the risk."
"I don't...I don't need you to apologize. You've done enough of that already – to Barry, to Cisco, to Central City, to me. Maybe even to Hartley. And maybe the citizens of Central City need to hear you say out the words that you were arrogant and that you will never build another accelerator again. But I think we both know the real truth of it."
Wells feels his breath stutter for a second and his mind goes into calculations, just like when Hartley alluded to everyone that he had a deep dark secret and he had to carefully school his features and figure out just which of his secrets was in danger.
"And that is?"
There is a myriad of possibilities that can come out of her mouth and he is afraid of what each of those will mean to him and her. He has already discovered a significant flaw within himself when it comes to protecting all of that is dark inside of him – he could kill Simon Stagg, he could threaten and keep an eye on Eiling but he would never harm any of the core team. And that is a weakness he must somehow overcome but really hopes she won't give him a reason to start doing so.
"That you would do it again. Because you are a scientist and you could never let any possibility for a breakthrough go. It was your life's work; how could you ever say that it will never happen again?"
He stares at her and wonders if everyone can see through him so easily or if he's revealed too much of himself to her and it will come back with a vengeance.
"But I just want you to tell me. I don't want you to keep secrets like that from me or Cisco or Barry. We are a team and we have stayed on with you because we believe in you and because we believe in the Flash. So I don't need you to apologize to me for something I also might do one day. I need you to be honest."
To her, it must look like not asking for too much; honesty is the basic tenant of human relationships, after all. But for him, it is the most difficult thing he's ever been asked because he knows that if he wants to salvage this relationship, if he wants to keep her – and all of them – by his side, he has to go on lying, he has to trick them and manipulate them.
But Caitlin looks at him earnestly, even a bit pleadingly and he finds himself lying to her with more effort than it usually requires. "I will try do that."
And then because he can be a fool despite all his brilliance and strategy, he asks the question that he maybe should not go back to, maybe should just let go but it weighs on his conscious just a little bit and he curses himself for caring about the answer.
"Do you think you will forgive me?"
Caitlin purses her lips together and regards him for a moment and he lets her scrutinize every inch of his face, lets her see how sorry he is and how much he needs this – possibly more than he has acknowledged himself.
She contemplates the question for a long time, longer than would seem necessary, like this is the question that settles the balance of the universe and her answer is the only thing that can set it right again (and it might just be but that is another story).
Finally, she nods ever so slowly. "I will try to do that."
And he knows that they will be fine.