Lunchbox
An Arthur Fanfiction by vivacity-qualm
Let's just pretend that the Arthur kids are going to high school now and not in 2002, k?
Chapter 0: Little Red Corvette
Muffy Crosswire is a great driver.
Bailey, her family butler, is still around with that limousine ready at a moment's notice. But Muffy loves driving, took to it like a duck to water. Her dad might sell the rest of Elwood City's crappy used Honda Corollas (always insisting that this car is for you, just what the doctor ordered-) but only the best went to Muffy. So as soon as she got her learner's permit "Daddy" bought her a Little Red Corvette—and just like the song, "baby, she's much too fast".
I was in awe of her, in awe of how well she drove the vehicle, in awe of how her hair shone in the low street lights on Madison Avenue, in awe of how her pout made her look like a spoiled brat and a super babe…
"Arthur, what is so fascinating on my face?" Muffy said as she rounded the corner of Wilmington.
"Uh, ah, nothing. Nothing…" I looked away. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was in a car with Muffy Crosswire, Queen of the Junior Class, former childhood friend and the girl of everyone's wet dreams from Elwood to Mighty Valley High. Going to eat pancakes, at IHOP, with me, Arthur Read. King of nothing.
How did this happen, you ask?
It all started at the Spring Formal.
It rained earlier in the day. The air was still moist, the leaves sloshing underneath my patent leather shoes that Mom insisted I get. She declined however to dry clean my best dress pants and jacket, so I threw them in the wash the night before.
Big mistake, man. I looked like Steve Urkel, with the too big glasses (contact lenses bother my eyes too much) and too small sleeves.
Buster was overseas with his dad, having the time of his life. He decided to skip the dance and take his vacation early, since Spring Break was the following week. We were still best friends then, closer than brothers. That changed too, but it's beside the point.
George went ahead without me. We aren't really friends either (never were really friends before), but George hangs with Buster so we tried to do the same during his absence.
Again, big mistake.
While he was jet setting, I was stuck here in Elwood City, home of the Grebes.
The Spring Formal is what you will call a high school soap opera.
They were many different factions vying for attention: the popular kids, like Queen Muffy, Janine, Randy; the star athletes, like Francine, Riberto, and Alan; and everyone else, namely me. Who am I, you ask? Well, that's not important. What's important is—
"Arthur, are you talking to yourself again? Get it together, go out there and dance or something!" Marina said with a huff, digging a low fat pita chip into some red pepper hummus. The committee was forced by the powers that be (Muffy) to only provide healthy platters for the festivities, lest the plebeians forget their table manners at the sight of pizza rolls and buffalo wingers.
"Alright, Marina, don't have a baby."
"I'm on the pill." Marina said this with as much grace as possible in between chews.
"It's going to be a long night…" I started in on the 100 calorie Oreos.
"Frankie, are you ready yet? Your boyfriend is waiting for you!"
"Coming, Mom, just trying to put my shoes on!" Francine yelled, exasperated at her mom and her antics. Riberto (sigh) could wait a couple more minutes…
Francine Frensky looked in her door mirror one last time. She blushed and smiled. She had never looked better.
"Frankie!"
"MOM! Alright already, jeez…" She came down the stairs and everyone gasped. Brunette ringlets fell perfectly in an elegant chignon. The green dress she decided to wear complimented her coloring, and Riberto felt foolish when he was posing for Mrs. Frensky's impromptu photo shoot. He was the luckiest guy in the world.
Molly downed another jello shot. Her legs felt a little like jelly, but Rattles felt even better underneath her fingertips…
"Eww, get a room!" Binky yelled.
"Miss your girl, Bink?" Rattles said from under Molly and her eager, eager grasp.
"Fuck no, she's not as raring to go as Moll is all the time, haha!"
He laughed as Molly blew into Rattles' ear, eliciting a particularly loud moan.
"Suit yourself!" he said.
Binky sighed and downed another beer.
George hated dances. So tacky.
He would rather be at home, but Buster made him promise that he would stick around Arthur during this time, which meant going to the dance.
He adjusted his tie one more time.
"You make it seem like it's a noose or something, Georgy…" his mother said.
"Yeah son, the Spring Formal looks much better than the gallows, ha! The gallows…" his father cracked up, his mom hardly cracking a smile. They were going to be going to the Comedy Fest tonight, so the house would be empty anyway and George liked background noise.
His dad's jokes were corny as hell, but with Buster Baxter out of the running this year he might actually make it at least to the semifinals. The funny bunny left a big hole in the comedy community of Elwood…
"Enjoy yourself, okay sweets? Or at least try to…" his mother cajoled.
"Fine, ma, I'm okay ma, no don't use the saliva hankie on me, I don't have anything on my face ma ga—"
"Muffy, dear, you have something on your face."
"Oh, thanks Mama." Her makeup had to be perfect. She wiped off that little macha macaron crumb from the corner of her mouth and let the makeup artist do her job.
Muffy started in. "Binky, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how much this dress cost me?"
"Don't know, don't care…"
"Well, I'll tell you. It cos—"
"More money than I've ever seen in my life, yadda yadda…"
"I'm tired of this Binky, how much have you had to drink tonight?"
"Enough…"
"Well I've had enough! We are through!" and she stormed off.
That was one of the most brilliant reads I've heard for awhile from Muffy Crosswire. Everyone was too awed by her epic speech that they didn't see the tears threatening to fall.
Arthur should have just stayed home, would have been easier in the long run.
He sat on the school steps, contemplating how his life had gone completely off the rails when he saw, or rather heard Muffy.
Her breaths hung in the crisp April air.
"Muffy…? Are you okay?" Arthur asked tentivealy.
"No, Arthur, I'm not okay."
"Okay then, sorry…"
"Oh, come off it Arthur, you heard what just happened out there. I was completely humiliated in front of the entire student body."
"It wasn't that bad…"
"Yes! Yes, it was! The worst. I feel like vomiting just thinking about it!"
"Vomitrocous…"
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"Want to go and get some pancakes?"
"Sure."
And that's how I got here, in a little red corvette with a little redheaded rich girl waiting to get the blowjob of my life (the only blowjob of my life anyway).
Pants unzipped, Muffy was getting into it, as was I.
Then, a sweet kiss on the lips. Then…nothing.
"Uh, Arthur?"
I was still reeling from the kiss.
"I don't…really feel like doing this anymore. I'll, uh, take you home."
I didn't really register what she said until they were halfway there, but by then I just nodded an affirmative and let my virgin killer dreams die.