Dating was never a problem for The Bowler before the Mystery Men saved Champion City. Most men were turned off by her gruff exterior. Others didn't want every date chaperoned by a grinning skull. For the most part, she'd never cared about the absence. In her heart, she only truly wanted a man who could measure up to her father. And her father was a bowling ball.
For that reason, Carol surprised herself when she called the number the pizza delivery boy scribbled onto her Spicy Mexicano Deluxe. She wasn't fooling herself that it was anything but a booty call. A woman has needs, and sometimes Dad can go in the closet and shut up.
"Zach ;)" had what Carol needed at the moment. He had dark hair and arms big enough to hold something heavier than a pizza. He had the faintest ghost of a beard that showed her he was trying by any means to look older, but she'd always preferred younger men. They didn't give her crap and try to be the "alpha dog". They could meet up, get what they both needed, and scram.
"Hey, Zach? You off work?" she asked. Of course she knew the answer, since she'd called his home phone.
"Who wants to know?" a bleary voice answered.
"Spicy Mexicano Deluxe," she said. There was a flurry of movement over the phone.
"Shut up! No way. For you, babe, I'm always off work. Your place or mine?" he asked.
"You're the delivery boy," she said.
"Give me fifteen minutes. Otherwise I come free," Zach said. He saved himself the embarrassment of hearing Carol's faint groan by hanging up.
The thing about wiping out all the city's criminals at once was that it left the gang with a lot of free time. I Carol gave a rat's ass she might have been shy about calling a man over in the middle of the afternoon. But she didn't.
"Who is it?" she asked when someone rang her doorbell.
"Special delivery," Zach's voice came through the door. She opened the door and let him in. She wasn't vain, but she'd expected maybe he'd dress up a bit to visit one of Champion City's saviors. Instead, he was wearing ripped jeans and dirty sneakers.
Boy, you're lucky you're cute, she thought as she showed him in.
"Thanks so much for calling me. I almost died when I saw I was delivering pizza to The Bowler," he said.
"Hey, I'm off-duty," she said. And The Bowler was my father.
"Yeah, but can you tell just a few stories? I want to tell my friends all about you," he said.
"Sure, why not. Have a seat," she said, and they sat together on her leather couch. She really didn't care to recount things that were far more exciting to live than to talk about, but she could stand to be polite.
"Is this your original costume, or do you have something a little more showy? Maybe you'll let me see it?" Zach asked.
Oh, you're one of those. Don't be hasty, Carol, he might still be good for a ride.
"I got it from my father. He's not much of an exhibitionist," she said, and she got up and walked to the minibar by her television. "Drink?"
"Hit me with a White Russian," Zach said. Carol mixed the drink and poured herself a double shot of whiskey. She was going to need it. She sat back down on the couch.
"Oh no! I know there was something I forgot," Zach said, and he smacked his forehead. "The pizza! No wait, I got you covered. I hope you like extra-large sausage." he made an attempt at bedroom eyes.
"I'm thrilled," Carol said flatly. "Bedroom's that way. Try to hold the sauce until then."
Zach was already through the door and setting the mood when the doorbell rang again. Shit, if it's Private Pesto again...
It was not Private Pesto and his marinara M-16. It was The Spleen.
"Spleen, what are you doing here? I'm busy," she said. Then she noticed the flowers he was carrying.
"It's been too long since someone brought you flowers, so I picked up the slack," he lisped. "I got black because they're mysterious and sultry, like you."
Carol had long gotten used to random intrusions by the Spleen. She'd known they were inevitable the moment The Shoveler suggested they all swap addresses in case of emergency. She normally pretended she wasn't home when she caught wind of him, but she'd been a little distracted.
"Hey? What's the hold up?" Zach called. He came up behind her and saw the interruption. "Who's this loser?"
"Excuse me, this is The Spleen. You might remember him from when he saved your life?" she said. Zach looked the Spleen up and down distastefully. The Spleen returned his expression.
"Is this guy giving you trouble?" The Spleen asked Carol.
"Why don't you butt out?" Zach said.
"I don't know, why don't you butt out? I'll be with you in a minute," Carol said.
"What, you got something to say to this loser?" Zach said.
"Yes, I do have something to say this loser. And he's my teammate," Carol said. Smelly as The Spleen was, he was trying to be nice. Strange as it seemed, Zach might be even more odious.
"Get lost, freak. She doesn't want your ugly flowers," Zach said.
"Okay, you know what? That's it. I want a refund," Carol said.
"What?" Zach asked with a blank, stupid expression.
"You're making me regret saving the city. You wanna know something? I do have another costume, and it is sexy. You wanna know what it looks like?" Carol said.
"Yes," Zach was back to drooling in an instant.
"Come back in an hour and ask him," Carol said. She shoved Zach out the door, pulled The Spleen in, and slammed the door.
She felt an instant of regret as Zach yelled incredulously through the door. She still had needs, and Zach wasn't doing her any good outside. But now she had an appearance to keep up. Unless The Spleen was both discreet and helpful enough to sneak out the back door, she was stuck with him at least half an hour. And The Spleen was neither discreet not helpful.
"Sorry you had to put up with that. A lady like you deserves better," The Spleen continued amorously.
"Gimme those," Carol said as she took the black roses. They were pretty in their own way, and they certainly matched her move. She filled a vase with water and stuck them in crookedly.
"Mind if I come in?" The Spleen asked as he helped himself to a seat on her couch.
"Can it!" Carol yelled through the wall at Zach. All the men who wanted a piece of the chick who saved the city, and she picked the biggest loser of all. At least The Spleen was sitting politely on her couch. And he even brought flowers.
"Thanks for the flowers. They're nice," she said bluntly.
"They are not half as beautiful as you," The Spleen said. She looked at him as he sat on the couch. He must have been planning this for some time. His hair was washed and he'd scrubbed the grease off his face. He even washed his nasty brown fringe jacket.
Oh no. You can't be thinking... But why not? No one had to know. No one would ever believe him. She could do worse. Zach proved that. The Spleen might not know much... anything about this, but at least he'd try to help her along. And maybe the little worm deserved a break.
"You know, Zach thinks I'm showing you my other costume right now," she said.
"Yeah, what a nerd," The Spleen said.
I can't believe I'm saying this. "Why don't we see if we can't make him even more jealous," she said, and she glanced toward the open bedroom door.
The Spleen hadn't looked so shocked and uncertain since they almost got wasted by the Disco Boys. He froze in his perch reclining on the couch, obviously uncertain that she meant what he hoped. Carol made it more clear by walking up next to him and grabbing him by the belt buckle.
"Spleen, there is enough beer in the world."