Shamera
**WARNING**: Spoilers for Stargate: the Movie, COTG, Fire and Water, Serpant's Grasp, Need, Holiday, Serpant's Song, One False Step, Show and Tell, 1969, Out of Mind, Fair Game, Legacy, Forever in a Day, Jolinar's Memories, The Devil you Know, and Shades of Grey.
You have been warned!
(Just so you know, I haven't seen most of those episodes, and am basing it on reviews kindly provided by other people.)
"If you get a chance to turn back time to undo an event, you must first learn to appreciate all the things you've never noticed before, just in case you fail." --Unknown
Dear Daniel,
Sometimes, we all want to take back the bad things that's happened to us. This is no exception. Hopefully, now in death, you will be reunited with Sha're and the two of you will be living happily ever after like you should have in life. God knows that we all tried so hard to keep you with us. You might want to ask him about that sometime.
Everything's so strange here without you. Never thought I'd see the day when I would do anything to hear someone give me a complete lecture on cultural appreciation- even if I won't listen to a word of it. But I would. If I would be able to hear it all again, I would listen and cling onto every word. Us military types have a hard time showing affection for others, but I think you understand.
Sam has been crying these days. She blames herself for not understanding what went wrong with their technology. You've taught her a lesson about caring, Danny. You taught that to all of us. About how to not be afraid to show that we can care. Too bad we weren't able to show you that, though. Sam- and see, I'm starting to call her by first name, too- she would come out of the lab a few hours at a time, eyes red. I was never able to go up to her. She misses you, Daniel.
We all do. There are times when I still blame myself for what happened, just like Sam and Teal'c and Janet does. I blame myself for not being able to get you out in time. For not knowing what was going to happen. You would always tell me that I can't do anything to change the past, and that it's not my fault. But it is my fault for not knowing. I'm supposed to have a sixth sense on when my team was going to be in trouble. I'm supposed to be able to keep my team alive. I have to know... when one of my team is hurting, dying from internal bleeding.
Teal'c has been meditating more these few days. We all have our ways for grieving. Sam with the labs, Teal'c's meditating, and my... lounging around. If the good General would only allow us to go on another mission, we'd sure do him proud. This place is so restless I wonder why what's left of SG-1 could just sit around and do nothing.
I'm sorry. I've been babbling. Doing that a lot these days. Doc Fraiser hadn't used to bed you used to always take up in the infirmary anymore, you know? Maybe she's still saving it for you, hoping that by some strange miracle, you would come back to us again. But you won't. You've used up all your lives. A person would think that after a loved one died- and by a miracle came back, time and time over again, one would learn to appreciate that person's value and life.
We got careless. After Nem's little gift... we all got closer. No more lies, and an agreement to do it all together. We were family and we would not leave one another behind. But we still hadn't accepted your worth to us. Still wasn't too good at expressing emotions.
After breaking my own promise of not leaving a person behind, and knowing that you died... again... things get a little better. You're our humanity, Daniel. I was lucky enough to get you back once again, and that time I didn't care who know about my friendship with this geeky kid with the owlish eyes and the large glasses. The one who can't tie his own shoelaces without tripping, and can never see through that mess of hair.
Ahh, maybe I'm not giving you enough credit. You're not that clumsy, although it sure seemed like it. You're not geeky, but special and unique. And that mess of hair has been gone ever since that Hathor incident. I wonder what happened to it. I kind of missed it. Military hair cuts are not easy to ruffle, though I still managed. Those glasses were the real doppleganger, though. Your telltale sign. When you get lost, you glasses would lead the way. It's funny, those glasses were a heavensent. And you ask me why I thought you should wear glasses rather than contact lenses. Ha! How are you supposed to find contact lenses on the ground?
Besides, no glasses would remind everyone of the time with Shyla. We nearly lost you again then, to something even worse than death. You sure do have a record, don't you? We were so worried about you, and you were so worried about how you hurt us, not ever thinking of how you might be hurting from this too. It was always in your eyes. Anyone could see it, even the nurses in the infirmary. Maybe that's why they left you alone for a while.
Things happened so quick after that... got so bad. The incident with Machello, who knew what had happened then? I had been too busy with my own problems... hadn't seen what had happened to the rest of my team fully. You always refused to talk about what happened with our first incounter of Machello to anyone but Sam. You would talk only to Sam about it. I'm glad. She can really give out helpful advice.
But then what happened with Apophis... I had heard. You hadn't known I was there, and I still don't believe my ears, but I had heard the conversation with Apophis. Who knew you had it in you to actually hate someone so completely? Yet, you were gentle with the host, seeing them more of a different person than anyone else in the SGC. Hell, I had been ready to send the host back just for sharing the body with Apophis. But you had person experiance with Sha're. It's something I can relate to, but can't remember all the time. We all need reminders in the small lessons life teaches us.
Our argument on that planet with those white people... I'm still sorry about it. It wasn't neither of our faults, but some of those things were said in frustration to never seeming to understand what you're doing. Those words are some of the words taht I wish I could take back. Including the ones said in your first mission.
Things got better. It wasn't so hard anymore. Alien invasions, time traveling... it was all sort of fun to a point. That is, the point was Hathor. I have something against women experiementing on us and telling us that everyone else is dead. Went to Hell from there.
The Asgard treaty, the new technologies... we all drifted apart. Never too far away, but not too close, either. I don't know what exactly happened to SG-1. But it was torn when we found Machello's little legacy that he decided to leave behind. You wouldn't trust us anymore, and I still dont blame you. It was my fault about that to begin with. leaving you in that room, I'm sorry. I have so much to be sorry for.
Then what happened to Sha're again... everyone could tell that you were never over her. Just a few things added to my guilt list. After all the things I said about previous missions, I don't think I can get the emotion to say what I thought of what was going on after Sha're died. It's not place to say how you felt about it, either.
I thought that going to hell and back with each other would replace our trust. But I hadn't known you then. You were stranger walking in my best friend's shoes. Who would have thought you would be able to go up against Apophis like that? But whatever it was that made you that angry, I'm proud of how you did on Netu.
All trust was lost after the undercover mission for the Asgards... Another thing I wish I could take back. I really hadn't meant all those things I said about our friendship. I know I told you that already, but I could also see that you didn't believe me. You had no reason to. It's just that I wish that I could have a chance to regain that trust back.
You would laugh at this letter if you were here, Daniel. Words like these never come out of a Colonel before. Remember what I said, though? We're a family. And right now we're a family, less one. Everyone at the base can tell when you're not here. No culture babble echoing from one corner to another, no shouts of discovery, and no calming presense that always helped a new member of the programme along.
Everyone has things that they want to change. I'm not saying that I want the change the outcome of what happened on the last mission. Hell, what am I talking about, yes I do. But like some guy said, it's better to remember the moments and savor them rather than think that you can change what already happened. So there. I know that all of us would savor your presense if you would come back again.
Oh, yeah. General tried to assign this geeky kid to the team. A lot like you, if I think about it. Before all those missions, that is. You might like him. Bright kid. But he's still so different from you. It's just not the same. I'm not trying to make it hard on him 'cause even I feel sorry for him to have to stick with us, but he keeps bugging in at strange times.
Again, like you.
Well, I have the Doc after my hide at the moment for skipping daily physical and sneaking into the computer labs... I figured this would be one of the places you would really miss. Even if you claimed computers were a weakness of yours. I've got to get off soon if I don't want my life to be Hell for the next few days... if it isn't already.
Your Friend,
Jack
PS. I've heard that people could really get messages like this. If you get this, give us some sort of sign, okay? We're worried you'll get in trouble even in the afterlife.
PPS. Nurse Clark wants a hand in saying hi too. You might want to cheer her up- she's really in a deep depression.