Keeping Your Shell On

by Roniturtle

Our favorite blue clad turtle returns to the lair and thinks back on what made him leave in the first place. Just a one shot. Leo centric. Blood and violence. My first POV, please be kind. Don't own them.

When I sit and watch the current TMNT show, and they bring other characters and scenarios from past shows, movies and the comic book. I often wonder if they are going to follow some of the same script and possibly find a way to send Leo on a soul searching excursion. Well, here is my take on what that might be like. Please R&R

Keeping Your Shell On

It's been almost two years since I've been here. Two years since I've stood in front of these turnstiles and looked inside the large darken room that is our lair. It seems like only yesterday that I left, thinking I never would return, even if I did tell him I would try to be back after only one year. Hell, I'd probably still wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a certain red-head that insisted I needed to come home. That my family, all my family, was falling apart without me. I can still hear her voice begging me, pleading with me to let go of the past, let go of the hurt, the anger, let go of all the guilt and just come home. If it hadn't been for her blue eyes that filled with tears, I probably would still be there, in the jungles of Central America, jumping from tree to tree and helping the locals, being known only as the 'Jungle Ghost.' I kinda liked that. Who knows, maybe I'd be off to the next country, I've been almost all over the world by then. Asia, Africa, Europe. So many other places I had hope to see. Everywhere I went, I helped people in need, staying in the shadows like I was taught, but I listened to her instead.

Flashback.

"Please Leo." April begged me. "Karai is awake and she needs you." Her blue eyes were practically staring right through me. "They all need you." She lowered her eyes. "They all miss you so much."

How could I refuse? I wanted to. I told her I couldn't go back, not yet anyway. I wasn't ready. Truth was, I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to remember how much of a disappointment he thought I was.

"Splinter misses you the most I think." April looked down at the fire as she spoke, her words soft and tender. I have to admit, I missed hearing her voice. "And Raph, there's not a day that doesn't go by he doesn't wonder about you." The tears were flowing now. "They…we…I still don't understand why Splinter sent you away."

I hid my shock. That was just like my Sensei. He didn't want my family to be angrier with me then I'm sure they already were. So he took the blame. After all, we were never allowed to question what he did. I wanted to tell her the truth, maybe one day I will, I'll let her know, let them all know. I left because I wanted to, because I had to, not because he made me.

"What's going on with everyone these days April?" I asked her, poking the fire with a stick.

"Karai has taken over the foot clan and they're working at TCRI." Something in her voice told me there was more of what was going on with that. "They have Donnie working alongside Stockman and another scientist named Dr. Chaplin that Karai hired. They've worked on a retro-mutagen spray that turned all the mutants back to human. With some exceptions of course, like Master Splinter." She gave a small laugh. "Of course some mutants that were animals didn't want to be turned back into animals as well."

Go figure, Stockman working alongside Don and Karai. Must have done something to gain their trust. But I could understand Sensei not wanting to go back to being human, he made it clear once he didn't have a place in the human world anymore. And I don't blame any animal for not wanting to go back to being just an animal. I know I don't.

"Don's still helping Karai and TCRI with finding cures for other things." She continued.

"So what's going on with Raph and Mikey?"

"Raph does his best to lead, but he hates it. He's still wishing you'd come back and be the leader again." She shook her head as if trying to shake away a memory. I think I know which one too. "He says it's boring now that Shredder is no longer around. Keeps begging Sensei to let you come home." I shook my head, they'll never understand. "And Mikey is writing a comic book about our adventures over the last eight years." Even I laughed at that. "Says he's got the first issue of the TMNTs' ready to be sent out and published." I watched her as she fiddled with a diamond ring on her left index finger. "And you know Casey and I are engaged." She sounded almost apologetic about it. "I hope you'll be there Leo. It won't be much of a celebration without you."

"No promises April." I could only imagine what Donnie must have been going through when they made their announcement . "So what's Casey doing to support you two while you're doing your college thing?"

"Karai hired him to be top security guard at TCRI." Again there was that nervous edge to her voice that told me there was more to this. "She's paying him good money and he still gets to beat up on bad guys with your brothers." I raised an eye ridge at her. Waiting for her to finally tell me what was making her so nervous about all this. "She thinks some of the Rogue Foot from Japan may try to come to New York and destroy what she's built and bring back what the original Foot was." And there it was. She finally confessed and now it all makes sense.

"I'm sure Raph and Casey can handle that." I tell her. "They're probably looking forward to it." We looked at each other for a few minutes before I decided I had enough of walking down memory lane.

"Look April, I appreciate you coming to look for me while your out here doing your archaeology job but I'm not ready to return. Tell my family I love them and I miss them, but I still have a lot of soul searching to do." God her eyes looked so angry, I guess it's true what they say about red-heads.

Wow did she suddenly look angry. "Whatever Leo." She stood and began to walk back toward the village. But when she stopped and looked back at me, I knew I was in for a lecture. "You know, I never would have taken you for a coward Leo." I wanted to say something, anything to let her know I was here for them, not for me, but she wouldn't let me speak. "You finally get rid of the Shredder and end a feud between the foot and your family that lasted for centuries and you would rather hide away like some hermit whose too afraid to face what he's done then be the turtle I know you can be and stand by your family, proud to call yourself an Hamato!" I never saw anyone stomp away that fast, her red hair bouncing on her shoulders. For the first time in two years, I remembered why I left New York, and it was then, I knew why I had to go back.

Present.

When I was fifteen, my bros and I went up to the surface for the first time and that's when everything came together. Deep down we always knew we were meant for something more. But things didn't go as plan so Sensei decided someone had to be a leader. I raised my hand and asked if I could be leader. Sensei says that's the reason why he made me leader. But I always wondered if there was something more to it. Leaders aren't suppose to run away, we're suppose to keep our heads on, or in our case keep our shells on, and be willing to sacrifice for our team.

I've done that more times then I'd care to count. I've always kept my head. I try not to hide in my shell because the day I do that will be the day my team may not make it home. After all, from what I know of turtles, (thank you Donnie), we hide in our shells when prey is around, but we're more then turtles; we're ninjas, warriors, protectors and I was the leader. I was suppose to make sure my team came home every time we venture out.

Home. It has to be well after midnight by now. The lair seems so quiet, I have to wonder if anyone is there, and if they are, would they be up and wanting to see me? April said Splinter seems to missed me the most. Would he be happy I'm back? All I have to do is take a step inside and see if anyone would be willing to put their arms around me and welcome me home.

Home. At one point, it was the one place I feared the most, and Splinter was the one person I never wanted to see again. The look in his eyes when he saw his most precious child hurt, almost on the brink of death. I know he blamed me for that, I know he hated me for it, he never said anything, but I saw his eyes, the way he looked at me when we came home after that bloody battle with Shredder. Raph and Don carrying Mikey. And me, carrying Karai. I can still see the blood dripping down her body. She looked so pale, so close to death. I thought Splinter was going to run me over just to get to her. But all he did was run over and gently take her from my arms.

I watched them run into Donnie's lab, Splinter put Karai on a bed and smoothed his hand over her head. He asked Don how Mikey was. "He'll live, just some cuts, scrapes and bruises with a slight concussion." Damn it Mikey. Why did he always have to try and be such a jokester. Whenever we went on patrol, it would be a game to him. Mikey could be such a great warrior if he would just focus and take things seriously.

But it wasn't Mikey Splinter thought of. Once we had cleaned her up and Don got her taken care of, he stayed by her side for days til finally Don announced she was out of danger. It was only then he would speak with me. And after I explained all that had happened, I never saw his eyes so filled with such anger before. It was as though he actually blamed me for everything. His eyes were filled with such disappointment, filled with such...blame. I suppose I deserved it. I am…was…the leader after all. I was suppose to keep them safe, keep them from being hurt. Keep HIS children from getting injured. But I didn't. Because of me, Mikey was hurt and Karai was in a coma for…according to April…over a year. And it was all my fault.

Flashback.

"SNAP OUT OF IT LEO!" Raph could really be scary when he wanted to. He was tired of me constantly working myself to a frenzy on his punching bag. He let me have at it for a few days before he brought me into the dojo to spar. But I was so angry, so filled with hate for our enemy that it didn't take much for him to bring me down. He had me pinned by the wrist with his sais. I didn't even hesitate to concede and that angered him most. That I would give in so easily. He got off me and pulled his sias out of the floor and off my wrists.

"What do you want me from Raph?" I was just so stone faced. He hated it. "I let Shredder attack and almost kill half our team." His green eyes were burning holes right through me.

"It's not your fault." He told me. How many times did he tell me that. And I never really heard him. Because as far as I was concerned, it was my fault and Sensei's look constantly reminded me of that.

Present.

They were all angry with me for some reason. Hell, even I was angry with me. Angry for failing them. Failing to destroy Shredder before he and his Foot ninja could hurt us. Hurt Karai. I had failed, and I knew it and it made me angry at myself. Raph was angry because I constantly blamed myself. Donnie was angry because I wouldn't talk about it. Mikey was angry because I showed my weak side. And Sensei...well, we already know why he was angry and watching him watch over karai as she laid there just fading away in front of him was a constant reminder of what a disappointment I ended up being. But Raph wouldn't let me continue to think that way.

And to this very day, I can still feel his eyes looking into me. I can still feel the punches and the hear the screams as he hit me, trying to snap me back to reality. But the reality was, I would not be fine until I dealt with it. And the only way to do that, was to go after Shredder and bring him down….or die trying. At least, I told myself, my Sensei would be proud that I died a warrior's death.

But obviously I didn't die. I'll never forget that night. After the beating I got from Raph, I stayed in my room and planned for days what I was going to do. No one noticed I was holed up in my room for all that time. I rarely came out. When I did it was to use the bathroom or get food but aside from that, I stayed in my room, going over my plans and fine tuning it so I would at least be able to defeat most if not all the Foot.

The night I ran out it was raining. I barely remember any part it. I made my way to Shredder's old lair on auto pilot. I got in easy enough, I've done it dozens of times. I had my katanas held out and ready. I don't really remember anything after that. All I do remember is being determined. Determined to bring our enemy down. Determined to make my Sensei proud of me. Determined to get revenge and end…this…war.

Beebop went down first. I didn't give him the chance to pull any of his fancy footwork. I struck and he died. Then came Rocksteady. When he saw what I did to Beebop, he hesitated and that was all I needed. Fishface was next, it was like slicing into sushi. Too damn easy. Then Rahzar. He was tough but I was tougher, and with him I remember my muscles were burning, but I finally got his head knocked off his shoulders. He was gone. I couldn't even find Stockman, so I let him be. The coward

Then there was Tiger Claw. I was sore and tired by the time we met up. But I was still determined not to fail like I did the last time I fought the Foot alone. That day the Kraang invaded I didn't have the rage dwelling within me like I did this time. And Tiger Claw went down after several minutes of battle. I almost felt sad to see him laying there in a pool of his own blood. But I didn't dwell on it. I had one more enemy to deal with and he would not be easy.

When I walked into his room, he had his back to me. And it was obvious he knew I was out for blood. His blood. He didn't bother to turn around as he mocked me. Taunted me. Made me feel like I was nothing but a freak. But even he had to know I was so much more then he ever was. After all, what kind of man takes another man's daughter. Hates someone so much that he could try to kill him after they were raised as brothers and blame them when it's he who kills the woman he loves. What kind of monster locks a child up and then mutates her. What kind of human tries to kill someone he raised from infancy and still blames everyone else for what he did. Only a madman, and that's exactly what Shredder was. A complete mad man. No wonder he had Stockman turn him into this strange creature he was. Like some sort of twisted 'Wolverine.'

Our fight lasted for so long, I thought I would not get out of there alive. I began to doubt my abilities but with every slice of his blade into my skin and every taunt and mocking word I kept going. I didn't let up and he finally made that one mistake that costed him everything. He looked at me with those scarred eyes and twisted his evil face into a sick, hateful smile. He underestimated me. He thought I was too tired to go on. That I was weak with emotion. But he was wrong. We ran toward each other and swiped our blades. Only I ducked when his went for my head. And when I went for his heart, I didn't miss. He looked at me with such disbelieving eyes. They were wide and in shock. His hand held over his chest didn't stop the blood from pouring out. And as I watched him fall forward. I whispered the words I wanted so desperately to be heard by my Sensei. "That was for you Master Splinter."

I don't remember getting home or taking a shower to clean the blood off me. I vaguely remember scrubbing my skin so hard that I added to the cuts and scratches in an attempt to scrub away the feeling of all that blood that to this day, feels like it's still on me. What do I remember. I remember going to the lab and seeing Karai hooked up to all those wires. I remember looking into my brothers' rooms and whispering to them how much I love them as they slept. But the one thing that really stands out in my mind was when I went to Splinter's room.

I stood at his door in the dojo, I had walked quietly enough that if he had been asleep, he should not had been able to hear me. But before I could knock, he bade me enter. He had been waiting for me. I walked in and bowed. I held up the Shredder's helmet and waited for him to take it, and after several long moments, he did.

"I killed him Sensei." My voice was so monotone. "They are all dead." I was still bowing when I told him. "There is no more Foot to fight, no more feud to think about. You and all your children along with every mutant in this world is safe from them…safe from him…safe from Shredder." I don't know how long he stroked his beard and stared at me. I kept myself in the kneeling position waiting, just waiting for him to say something, anything to let me know I was forgiven and that he was proud of me. But he just stared and stroked his beard.

"And what of you Leonardo?" He finally asked me. I finally lifted my head and looked back at him with a questioning gaze. "Are you safe my son." I didn't know exactly what he was asking. Well, maybe I did but at that time, I didn't know it.

"I am safe along with everyone else Sensei." I answered. But he still continued to stare. Stare at all my bruises and cuts and scars. He knew, as did I, there was more.

"Leonardo?"

I couldn't keep up the charade any longer. My resolve was crumbling before him. I killed several monsters that night and at the same time, I finally became one of them. "Sensei." I finally managed to choke out. "I need to leave." I didn't recognize the voice that came out of my mouth. "I don't know who I am anymore." I told him. Were these my words? Yes, they were, because I became something that night I never thought I would become. It took a long time to realize it, to know that since that fateful night that Shredder almost killed Karai, I finally started to give in.

For six long years, I tried to stay on the straight and narrow and be the good son. For six long years, I harbored feelings of hate and anger. For six long years, I lectured everyone else about being above our enemy. But on that night, I finally came full circle.

"Please forgive me Sensei." I begged. "I am leaving tonight." I didn't ask for his permission to leave, I just got up and turned away. "I don't know when I'll be back but…maybe in a year, I can try to return." But just before I walked out of his room, he stopped me.

"Leonardo." I looked back at him but didn't turn fully around. "I have always been proud of you…my son." I had to leave before the tears started. I didn't want Sensei to see how weak I suddenly felt.

I nodded and went to my room, gathered what few things I needed and made my way to the exit. The entire time I could feel his eyes on me. I could feel his need to want to stop me, to want to beg me not to go, but he wouldn't. He knew I had to leave, I had to find myself before I became completely lost to what I had become. And no one here could help, no one, not even him, could take away the feelings of anger, hate, guilt and loneliness that I was feeling and would continue to feel if I didn't get away.

I stopped at the turnstiles and turned to look at him once again. "Subete no tame ni anata no otōsan ni kansha. Watashi wa itsumo anata o aishi, tsuneni Hamato Yoshi no musuko to shite shira rete iru koto o hokori ni narimasu*." I said with a bow. He bowed back to me, not just his head like he would normally do, but a full body bow. As I left, I could still hear him, whispering to me how much he still loved me.

So here I stand, taking deep breaths and wanting to walk into my home, a home I have not stepped foot in over two years. Will my brothers hate me because I didn't bother to say goodbye to them on that night I left so many months ago? Will my Sensei still love me and welcome me home.

Well, I guess there's only one way to find out.

-End-

*Thank you for everything father. I love you and will always be proud to be known as the son of Hamato Yoshi.

I wrestled for a long time with this one. Please let me know what you think. Peace.