Kokoro no Puresento (A Present of the Heart)
Written by Jeldi
Series: X/Tokyo Babylon
Pairing: Seishirou/Subaru
Date: 2009.02.19
Spoilers: Tokyo Babylon's end and up through X9. And yes, I do know that timeline-wise X9 probably takes place mid-year, but for the fic's sake it is February. : )
Disclaimer: These characters belong to CLAMP. No profit, no suing; only character torture, angst and (sometimes) happiness here!
Kokoro no Puresento (A Present of the Heart)
Orange and red hues reflected off the surface of the tumultuous waters, painting building faces with splashes of sunset. Hints of the coming dusk were making themselves known; children on their way home from after school activities, housewives carrying fresh groceries bought for dinner, gates being pulled down before store fronts. The solitary form leaning on the bridge railing gazing across the river went unnoticed to the bustle of people in Asakusa.
A pair of high school students passed by, their conversation reaching Subaru's ears, drawing him from his impassive observation of the cityscape. "What do you want to do for your birthday, Nii-chan?" the young girl asked as she shifted her schoolbag back up onto her shoulder more securely. Her brother was walking a few paces in front of her.
His reply was punctuated by a laugh, "It's your birthday too! What should we do for our birthday?" She ran ahead of him and turned, the movement causing her uniform skirt to flair a bit. She continued walking backwards while talking to her brother, a bright smile lighting her features. However, the remainder of the conversation was lost to Subaru, whose pained gaze had returned to the river's ever-changing waves. Nee-san…
Sitting at the high counter in the kitchen, he picked at his remaining breakfast while watching Hokuto gaily bustling around the small kitchen. She was singing an up-beat tune along with the small radio while she worked, her high lilting voice brightening the mood in the room. She had always been the better singer of the two. As the song finished and the radio went to commercials, he asked "What do you want to do for your birthday today, Hokuto-chan?"
She immediately turned around to lean over the counter, her "severe" gaze level with his own questioning one. "Surely, you mean what do we want to do for our birthday?" She smiled sweetly as she resumed working on what she was fixing behind the counter, "February 19th only comes once a year…how could I alone decide what we should do today?"
Grinning she lifted her baking masterpiece from behind the counter; a birthday cake with the distinctive flair Hokuto put into every endeavor. It was frosted to look like a large yin-yang; small sun and moon embellishments dotted the cake, holding sixteen individual candles. "Happy Birthday, Subaru!"
The Sumeragi sighed, letting the butt of his cigarette fall to the ground before grinding it out with his heel. February 19th...why does it have to be today, he thought as he began walking, wishing he had just stayed in bed and let the day pass without having to acknowledge the void that never had healed. Despite that sentiment, the world had not agreed with that course of action. Most other days he would have been fine, but their birthday was not one of them.
The four younger seals had stopped by the apartment before their morning classes, bearing a specially made cake by Akira from CLAMP Campus. While he had accepted the cake graciously and thanked them for their thoughtfulness, he was silently quaking on the inside even after they had left. Though he no longer celebrated his birthday, none of the seals knew that this day brought him particularly negative feelings. Even though Kamui understood at a deeper level than the others, the boy had obviously still meant well. Before he had had the chance to reach a state of passive calm once again, a job came by fax causing him to abandon the untouched cake to an empty apartment.
But not allowing him to leave his unresolved feelings behind...
Since he had been focused on his own thoughts, the job did not go as smoothly as it should have. He had dealt with the spirit of a drowning suicide. The spirit had been resentful that he was locked into the incorporeal state of a ghost, yet didn't want to let go of his anger. He had been a high school student, a snapped under the pressure of getting high marks and studying to go to a respectable university for his family's reputation.
No matter what Subaru had said to the spirit, it refused to understand that other people suffered too, some more so than he had. The spirit had been difficult to reason with as youths tended to be, and Subaru felt drained from having to exorcise that ghost without its acquiescence. The onmyouji wanted nothing more at the moment than to return to the darkness of his apartment to let the remainder of the evening pass in quiet and rest.
The sun had finally touched the horizon and Subaru pushed away from the railing, heading in the direction of the subway. His mind still wandered back to the spirit and how everyone could get so wrapped up in their own microcosm of the world. Much like he had become over the years, focused on one thing despite those who loved him telling him it wasn't healthy.
I could not accept what had happened...
Lost in those thoughts Subaru accidentally brushed against someone walking in the opposite direction. Glancing to his right to apologize, a habit he doubted he would ever break, he froze in his tracks. Likewise, the other individual paused smiling. "Subaru-kun, what a coincidence," Seishirou said off-handedly, ignoring the instantaneous half-wary half-angry expression Subaru gifted him with in return.
"Hardly, Seishirou-san. Nothing was ever a coincidence where you were concerned," Subaru retorted, not much in the mood for conversation or being congenial. He was gifted with the smile turning into a slight smirk, though it didn't last for long.
"And all I was going to do was to give you a present," Seishirou replied, continuing to play the act despite Subaru's lack of patience with the game. "It is your birthday as I recall, after all."
Turning and starting to walk away, Subaru sighing heavily, "I'd rather not be reminded of that, especially by you. I'm not up to playing your games today, Seishirou-san. At least leave me alone for today, of all days."
If he had not turned away, he might have noted the slight surprise that passed across Seishirou's expression for a brief moment. Subaru was certainly out of sorts if he didn't react in anger and turned his back to the older onmyouji. Before Subaru stepped away from him, Seishirou caught his shoulder, "You truly believe that every thing I say is a lie, don't you?"
Glancing back over his shoulder, Subaru stared back at his reflection in Seishirou's glasses. "You've never given me a reason to believe otherwise." He pivoted and stepped back, letting Seishirou's hand drop from his shoulder, but also bringing himself to face the older man again.
"Then let me prove it to you." The older man held his hand out as if he was beckoning for Subaru to be led.
An unspoken question of trust...
Subaru looked at his opposite, not sure what to make of him. Faced with this peculiar exchange, nothing seemed to be making sense in their brief encounter. Seishirou seemed like he was on the verge of telling him something important, but couldn't bring himself to make that commitment.
Not sure why he was willing to give that trust, Subaru simply nodded in acquiescence. By all rights, Subaru would normally have lashed out either magically or verbally by now. Perhaps a part of his heart was still trying to reach out for any shred of hope that everything had been a terrible misunderstanding.
His response brought a pleased grin to the face of the older onmyouji, and it made Subaru start in surprise. He had never seen Seishirou with such an expression, not even during that year of the bet. It seemed to be genuine, unlike all of the other smiles that he had shown to the Sumeragi over the years.
An unconscious gift that Subaru would remember.
A smile for once unguarded or fake.
Wordlessly, they walked to the subway station and selected tickets for the short distance to Ueno Station. Subaru had to squash a sense of anxiety as Seishirou indicated the stop and guided the younger onmyouji into the subway car. Their silence continued as the stops passed by, commuters entering and exiting on their own busy schedules, oblivious to the tension between the two standing at the end of the car.
Subaru had a few moments to really look at Seishirou, stealing that glance of the older man, calm and collected, while Subaru's heart was fluttering with an overwhelming mixture of conflicting emotions. 'Maybe Seishirou-san is just better at hiding it than I am,' he thought as Seishirou turned his head, looking at Subaru inquisitively. Though he was better at keeping the blush from his face, his attention darted away from Seishirou as soon as he was found out. So...
He missed Seishirou's silent, yet genuine amusement.
Finally, the stop for Ueno was announced and Seishirou again guided him out of the car, as if he was the perfect gentleman and they were out for a night on the town. They walked to the surface streets and into the park, side by side. A few of the cherry trees were already showing the buds starting to break from their winter prison, hinting of the spring storm of blossoms that would soon carpet the pathways.
Though he found Ueno Park to often be a very peaceful place, with a deep calming energy, with every step Subaru grew a little more wary, not sure whether he really trusted Seishirou within his own "domain".
He followed Seishirou to the Tree, where they had met that fated day, forever changing the course of both of their lives. It looked like any other tree in the park, but he felt the emotions calling out to him as they had years before as a child. It made him shiver a bit in revulsion; he couldn't bring himself to step any closer.
Leaving Subaru standing away from the tree near the edge of the lane, Seishirou instead continued on nonchalantly toward the massive bough. The Sumeragi could only guess at the older onmyouji's intent.
Resting his hand lightly on the tree trunk, Seishirou closed his eyes and intoned a low chant, inaudible except as a murmur to Subaru's ears. As the older man continued to chant the background started to fade into a maboroshi. Subaru remained calm and relaxed, somehow knowing that there was no threat in the action.
Nothing to be feared.
Nothing to confront.
Though Subaru had not known what to expect, he could only stand in shock as the maboroshi fell into place. As the evening Ueno scene faded to black, a hazy form coalesced beside the tree opposite Seishirou. The younger onmyouji looked at the form in shock, blinking as if he had believed the maboroshi was affecting his vision.
He reached out toward the form, glancing to look at Seishirou with a look of disbelief on his face. The older onmyouji just smiled and nodded, the unspoken answer communicated in that response.
Not an illusion, my dear Subaru-kun...not today...
Hokuto was looking at the two of them acting like they were frozen in time, and finally broke the silence with a delighted laugh and ran to throw her arms around her brother and hug him fiercely. Returning the embrace just as tightly, Subaru fought back tears, though for once not of sadness.
To steal back a sliver of stolen time, so that I have the chance to say the things I couldn't before...
They stayed like that for a long moment, Seishirou discreetly leaving the two of them to their reunion.
"Nee-san..." Subaru started, but with a loss of words to say. To see each other again after all this time, he could only grasp at his thoughts before they flitted away into the maelstrom of feelings within his heart.
She was the first to draw away from their embrace, grinning like she had all of those years before their lives had been turned upside down. "I missed you, Subaru!" she said simply. Her eyes still shown with a mischievous sparkle and it felt like she was barely containing her exuberance.
As if all of the grief of the past hadn't happened.
As if she had just been away for a while.
Though his heart was singing with the chance to see Hokuto once again, sadness still clung to him with its desperate grip. He couldn't help a few of the crystalline tears, which broke free despite his effort to keep them back.
"Subaru..." she said as she looked up at him, "I've never been far away, you know." She brushed her hand against his cheek, wiping away the trail left from those tears.
"You were just too guilty to see that," she continued, smiling gently.
"I never wanted anything like that," Subaru replied miserably, "How could I not feel guilty about it?" Even after all of these years, he had never given up the guilt that his weaknesses were the reason that Hokuto had died.
"Because it wasn't your fault," she replied simply shrugging, "You always trusted me without question when we were young. I knew what I was doing, and I don't regret it." She cupped Subaru's face in her hands, locking gazes with him. "This was how it was meant to be...no more, no less."
She looked over toward Seishirou, who was unobtrusively looking up into the branches of the Tree, brow furrowed as if he was deeply contemplating some of his own ghosts, whether spirit or not. Subaru followed her gaze, and found that he was calm; the tormenting emotions of anger, sorrow and pain were as still as a placid lake. Seeing Seishirou without those defenses clouding his judgment, realization struck him like a leaden weight.
I don't blame anyone but myself for what had happened.
Hokuto smiled, still able to read her brother's emotions as easily as a book, "You need to forgive yourself. Everything else will sort itself out once you can do that."
Subaru shook his head, looking away from Hokuto. I don't think I can do that...
Hokuto matched his own motions, but her face was more animated in exasperation. "Subaru..."
"Please...do that for me," Hokuto asked, looking at him once again. "I don't want everything I did to be in vain." He looked at her then, a small frown evident on his brow. He had not been easy to reason with where his emotions were concerned. After a moment, his frown eased and he nodded.
"You need to look harder at what gifts you still have in your life, Subaru. But you have to realize it, and that only happens from here," she said, releasing her hold on his face and tapping his chest with her index finger.
She smiled at him and hugged once him again, "That's all I ask for." She pulled back from him a little, even though she still had her arms around him. She laughed then, not her normal maniacal cackle, but a bright sound like bells, breaking the silence of the maboroshi, "Besides, I will be watching and you do remember what happens when you don't do what I ask, right?"
Subaru cringed, the teenager finally emerging from the now twenty-five year old man before her. Oh yes, he remembered all to well what that was like. Hokuto grinned like a cat that had been at the cream.
"There's the Subaru I remember!" Hokuto laughed again, her hands dropping to grab his own. She led him over to Seishirou in a half dancing and half skipping stride. As they came up to him, he turned and nodded his head toward Hokuto.
"It's been a while, Hokuto-chan," he said simply.
She released Subaru's hands and closed the distance to give the older man a hug as well, though she had to stand on her tiptoes to give him a peck on the cheek. She winked at him as he grinned back, still willing to play the old game. Subaru was watching the exchange, as confused as he had always been at their deft ways of communicating.
She changed the rules a little as she leaned in to whisper in Seishirou's ear, out of Subaru's hearing.
"Thank you, Sei-chan," she whispered to him smiling, "You just proved what I told you...there is no such thing as a person who cannot love someone."
Releasing him, she said louder, "What did I tell you Sei-chan? You were supposed to take care of my brother."
Subaru taxed his sister with a patient look while Seishirou chuckled at the exchange. She just giggled, "I know, I know...you're all grown up now and with everything else..." She waved a flippant hand in the air. Reaching out, she took one of each of their hands in her own, "But you know..."
"I didn't do this so that you could survive...I did this so you can live. Both of you." She glanced first at her brother and then Seishirou, entrusting her wish to these two special people from her life.
Life is too short to not trust.
Please do that...for me.
"You have too much in your lives to give it up to fate," she said giving them each one last hug. Truly the free spirit of their peculiar trio, she never let Fate have that much influence over her life; the last thing she wanted was to see it influence everything she had worked so hard to make right.
Subaru nodded as he hugged his sister, burying his face into her soft hair for one last time, cherishing the moment. As he released her she winked at him and looked at Seishirou as well, "I have to go...though I wish I had longer to stay."
She turned to Seishirou and said, "Thanks Sei-chan...you gave us a wonderful present." Her form was fading into the miasma of the maboroshi slowly. "And Subaru, remember that this day isn't a sad occasion. Because I'll never really be gone from your heart."
"Yes, I understand that now," he whispered to the air as he reached out to touch his sister's face as she disappeared. A few tears broke free, but they were not of sadness or happiness, more of a realization...
Life goes on...
Living each and every day may not be easy, but there are those who care and those who matter.
Subaru smiled softly, wiping the tears from his eyes and face. He turned from the place where Hokuto had been and faced Seishirou. "Thank you, Seishirou-san," Subaru looked at the man honestly, calm and not guarding his emotions any longer. It had been long enough for remaining in that prison.
This meant so much to me...
I don't know if you even realize how much.
You gave me my sister back, in more ways than one.
And I can never thank you enough for that.
But with each and every step I will try...
"There is some birthday cake back at the apartment," he paused, looking at the older man earnestly, "That is, if you're interested." Though the man had remained quiet during most of their encounter, he waited with baited breath at the older man's response.
The older man smiled again with a pleased air that was neither his assassin's cold grin nor the friendly vet's joking smile, and walked over to the Sumeragi. Putting an arm around Subaru's shoulder he replied in a rich voice, "Nothing would please me more." And with that simple statement, Subaru realized that the gifts Hokuto had mentioned had been veiled, but in front of him all along.
As he started to lead the young onmyouji towards the distant park exit, he tightened his grip around Subaru's shoulders in a one-armed hug and whispered into his ear,
"Happy Birthday, Subaru-kun."