Jubilee's Revenge: Director's Cut
(Or How Dimensional Rifts, Washu and Dream Devices Netted Me A Vacation to Nerima!)By Kairi Taylor
(Author's Note: This is the first tale in a
very funny, demented series that was started in 1998 at Kindred Spirits. I hope
you enjoy it. As you'll see, my fanfic counterpart will be somewhat tormented.
Oh well, all for the sake of humor I say!…)
The Standard Disclaimer and Warning: The
characters within this twisted
little fantasy are not mine, ok? They are
the sole copyright of Marvel,
Rumiko Takahashi, the company that brings
you Tenchi Muyo, yada yada yada. I
make no cash from this, so don't even
attemmpt to sell this...Oh yes in case
you happen to finish reading this, I was
not on any psychadelic drugs or
anything else, nor is this the result of
eating 5 too many bowls of Fruity
Pebbles. I'm just a very twisted guy who's
really pi$$ed off at Mr. Hama.
Jubilee's Revenge: Director's Cut (Or How
Dimensional Rifts, Washu and Dream
Devices Netted Me A Vacation to Nerima!)
by Kairi Taylor
Summary: If it ain't broken, make it
better! A reworking of the original,
with more scenes, more characters, &
more senseless stupidity & anger
induced violence! See Scott & Chris
exact their revenge, as well as some
other really groovy scenes. It's shagadelic
baby!
Kairi walked into his building, holding his bookbag on his right
shoulder, his South Park hat and shirt
slightly dusty from his long walk. He
was not very happy. This morning, he
learned that he would be out of school
until spring of 1999 due to his financial
aid being late. Then, he found out
that the site that he contributed the
'Generation X/ Resident Evil' stories
to was down, so part five was indefinatly
on hold. To rub more salt in his
wounds, he forgot to refill his Metro Card,
forcing him to walk all the way
from LaGuardia to Astoria.
I must be cursed, he thought.
As he stepped into the elevator, he pressed the 3rd floor button and
watched the door slowly close. At least he
now had time to work on his own
webpage with Ernie. He had many stories
swimming in his head, and some
particularly good suggestions on what to
add. He hadn't bought another Gen X
issue since #41, insted opting for the
Dragon Ball comics and Ranma 1/2
graphic novels and movies. He had at least
4 hours before he had to go to
work, so he could just stay home and watch
some TV. The elevator stopped and
Kairi stepped off, pushing all of the day's
event's from his mind. As he
opened the door to his apartment, he walked
into the kitchen and laid his
bookbag next to the chair where Jubilee was
sitting, then went to the
cabinet to get his box of...
He stopped short and turned around. Sitting at the table in his
chair was Jubilee, in t-shirt and jeans,
rapping her fingers on the table,
watching him. OK, there is only one thing
to do here, he thought. Either
start talking to her or check into the
mental ward that Mom is threating to
send me to. "Uh, hi?" Jubilee
said.
All that Kairi could do was sputter out gibberish that he couldn't
control. "I see someone's gonna need
to sit down." Jubilee said as she got
up and allowed Kairi to sit down. As she
sat on the counter, she asked
"You're Kairi, right?"
Nodding his said, Kairi said "Um, just to be sure, you're not the
result of eating one too many sugar related
products right?" Jubilee smiled
and answered "If that were true, we
would've had this little chat a long
time ago, don't cha think?" Kairi
nodded as she said "I'm guessing you're
pretty much shocked because I'm here."
"How is this possible?" Kairi said. "I mean, this can't
be
happening. How'd you get here? Hell, who
let ya in?"
"Cool yer jets." Jubilee said. "It's a bit hard to
explain. I'm
guessing that since so many people wished
we were real and written so many
fan fics on us, it must've thrown our
dimensions for a loop. I'm not a
savant at this inter-dimensional mumbo
jumbo like Monet, so let me put it
this way. We just exist, ok?"
"Right." Kairi said. "This still doesn't explain why
you're visiting
me." Jubilee shrugged and said
"None of the other fanfic guys were
availible, so I decided to come here. Oh by
the way, got a question for ya."
"What?"
"WHY THE HELL DID YA STICK ME IN THAT COURTHOUSE WITH A BUNCH OF
ZOMBIFIED FREAKS?"
"Damn, sorry about that, alright? Would you rather let me put you
in
a oversimplified fighting game like X-Men
vs. Street Fighter?" Jubilee
shuddered as she remembered her somewhat
debatable appearence in a certain
fighting game. "Ok, then, that's out
of the way. So, c'mon, we gotta go."
she replied.
"Huh, what do you mean?
"We're going to talk to Larry Hama. It's time we did something
about
his little adjusments. You've noticted that
everything's gone loony."
"I've been trying to forget for the past month or so." Kairi
replied.
As they walked on the streets of Manhattan, Kairi asked "So, how'd
you guys find me. I'm not a very easy
person to find out here."
"We've been keepin'tabs on you fanfic writers for a while
now."
Jubilee explained. Usually, we try not to
contact ya but this is an
emergency. I still can't believe what some
people are writing about. I mean
Cyke & the cajun..."
"Please, stop right there," Kairi interuppted. "I have
enough of an
active imagination as it is. Where'd the
others go?" Jubilee shrugged &
replied "Probably went to see the rest
of the city. It is a nice day to walk
around the city & do some--oh, hi
Shampoo--nice shopping for a bit." Jubilee
stopped for a second to look at Kairi, who
was gawking at Shampoo, looking
as if he was ready to burst.
"Nihao, Jubilee," Shampoo said. "Who very strange boy?
Oh, Shampoo
remember, you Kairi! Nice meeting
you!"
"Uh, Kairi," Jubilee asked, tapping his shoulder. "You
need to lie
down?" Kairi began to smile as he said
"How does she know my name?!? Hell,
don't matter to me!! Wait a sec, you're not
from Marvel. How'd you---"
"Hello, remember what I said?" Jubilee replied. "So, what
brings
you here.?" Shampoo snapped her
fingers & replied "Great Gradmother said to
stop bad old man. He running loose in
Chinatown." Kairi frowned & said.
"Can't be...please don't tell me
it's-"
"WAHOO! WHAT A HAUL!!" The group turned to see Happosai, all
3'2"
of him running with a sack of underwear,
closely chased by dozens of angry
chinese housewives. "Jubilee, you
wanna do this?" Kairi groaned.
BOOOM!!! All that Happosai saw before going into dream land was the
fist of Jubilee barreling down upon his
nose, not to mention the pain in the
spinal cord that came from Shampoo's foot.
As the group of ladies ganged up
on the prone little pervert, Emma walked
by, muttering under her breath.
"Hey, Frosty!" Jubilee shouted.
"How'd it go with Hama."
"Of all the inconsiderite, stubborn---oh, hello, Jubilee. Is this
Kairi?"
"Yeah, I'm him." Kairi answered. "Well, hopefully maybe
you two
will have more luck convincing Hama. He
seems to have completely set to try
to destroy the comic. Maybe you'll come up
with something."
"Hopefully, this won't end like Electra did." Kairi mused.
Jubilee and Kairi sat in Hama's office, waiting for Hama to drop in.
"Ya know, it's not too late to finish
the story." Jubilee said. "I mean, at
least you could find another website to go
to."
"I suppose." Kairi said. "I could always start my own
webpage. Hell
I can get started on that series I wanted
to do." Jubilee raised an eyebrow.
"If I'm involved in this, ya better
get my approval first before you start
anything!" Kairi shook his head and
replied "No, it's a bunch of Inspector
Gadget stories I'm planning on. Geez, don't
get uptight."
From outside, they heard someone say "What, another super hero is
here? First Spider Man, then White Queen
and now this!"
"Must be more of them interdimensional rifts." Jubilee said as
Hama
walked in, flustered and noticebly uptight
"So, Jubilee and...you are..."
"Kairi Taylor. I wrote an Gen X/ Resident Evil series."
"Oh, I remember. Wasn't my cup of tea. Lemme guess, you're here
about the changes I made."
"Gee, ya think?" Jubilee answered. "How the hell could
you do this
to us? First you stick us in this adventure
with a giant weasel and a token,
then you had some guys beat up on Ev, who's
none too pleased about it, then
you say that all this time..."
"Please listen..." Hama started to say but Jubilee continued.
"That
Monet was really Pennance all this time.
Now, you're gonna make us fight
some lady and 7 intergalactic dwarves! This
ain't Sesame Strett, IT'S A
FRIGGIN COMIC ASSHOLE!!!"
"Well, I did this mainly because of the sales." Larry replied.
"The
sales for the comic were going down so we
had to make a few changes..." At
that point Kairi pulled out a few sheets.
"Here's the sales rates according
to one comic sales company." he
started. "As you see the sales were steady
until issue 34." Larry put the lists
aside and dismissed them, saying "You
know, they're probably not really that
reliable. Now story wise, I'm just
following the orders of my editors. All I
as doing was trying to boost
sales."
"By changing what was already established. Hell, even Scott
established the fact that Penny was a 14
year old from Yugoslavia. (Author's
note: EVEN I KNOW THIS AND I"M NOT A
PRO!) None of what you did makes any
sense!"
"I understand what you're trying to say, but you have to understand
where I'm coming from..."
"You are aware that a hell of a whole lot of people have
discontinued their subscriptions."
Kairi said. "I've had to switch to Ranma
1/2 and the Dragon Ball titles to get over
this. And what the hell was with
issue 41? Even Happosai would be offended
by what you've done."
"I don't think you two understand..."
Kairi sighed. He must be cursed.
Jubilee fumed as she drank her soda. "Oh, the nerve of that guy!!
Who does he think he is!! I outta light him
up major time!!"
They were in Planet Hollywood, eating burgers with Sean whislt a
lot of the patrons were sitting down
whispering about the most unexpected
patrons. Sean merely sipped his coffee as
he said "Try ta calm down lass.
I'm sure we kin think o' something ta
change da man's mind." Jubilee shook
her head. "I think not. Frosty's
already talked to him and ya seen what's
happened."
Kairi, in the meantime was engaged in a conversation with Ryoga,
who apparrently made the grandaddy of wrong
turns and somehow winded up in
NY. "So you're saying that you guys
can come here at you're own free will?"
Kairi asked. Ryoga nodded and said
"Yeah, but how'd I ended going here
instead of Nerima is beyond me."
"You lost again?" Sean asked. "Yeah, but thankfully, Mr.
Saotome
is coming to pick me up." At that
point, a giant panda walked in and sat
down, holding a sign that said 'Hello
Kairi'. "Greetings Mr Saotome.
Strange that you seem to know me."
Kairi said. "Hey I just thought of
something. If you guys can zap yourselves
back and forth, what's preventing
me from doing it."
"Good point." Jubilee said. "Try it." Kairi smiled
and closed his
eyes. In a flash he disappeared. "Hope
he didn't try anythin' foolish." Sean
said. Seconds later, Kairi came back.
"Wow, I didn't think I can actually to
THERE!" he giggled.
"Ok, so how do we handle Hama?" Jubilee said "Aside from
using
physical violence."
At that point, Genma held up a sign which read 'Why not ask
Washu?' Jubilee snapped her fingers.
"Of course! It's so obvious! She can
build something to help us."
Kairi raised an eyebrow, saying
"Er, isn't there anything else we
can do?" Sean shook his head. "If
ya kin think of anything else other than
breaking his legs, no lad."
"Oh well, guess we'll just see Washu."
Jubilee and Kairi stood at the front of Tenchi's home, which
seemed very quiet. Of course, the real
indication was that the note that the
others left for Washu on the door, saying
something 'bout a trip to
Manhattan. "So, it's just Washu today.
Convient." Jubilee said. "Kairi
looked all around the house as he said "I'm still stumpped as to how I seem
to have this now almost natural ability to
warp between dimensions."
Jujbilee shrugged and said "Hey, join
the club. I'd ask Monet, but that
involves talking to her." As she
opened the door, she said "Wonder if she's
still in the basement?"
The loud explosion that came from the kitchen prompted Kairi to
yell "Well, that's one way of
knowing!" They rushed in to find a woman with
wild purple hair standing over a pot,
saying "Somehow, I knew that putting
oregano in this was a bad idea."
"Hey, little Washu!" Jubilee said. Washu turned and said
"Ah,
Jubilee! Oh, I see you brought Kairi with
you."
"Does everybody know me or something!?!" Kairi said. "Ah,
don't
take it so personally kiddo!" Washu
said. "I just make it a habit of knowing
the names of all potential guinea
pigs."
Kairi raised an eyebrow knowing 'very' well what Washu meant. "So,
what brings you to this side of the
cosmos?" she asked. "Well," Jubilee
began. "First, me and Kairi want to
know just exactly how are we able to
warp around like Mario Brothers?"
"I guess you mean the manipulation of interdimensional rifts?"
Washu replied "Well, it's all pretty
simple, if you understand the
mathmatics. But I'm guessing you have
absolutley no idea." They both nodded
as she continued. "Ok, let's say this:
exactly how much of your ideas are
original creations? Let's just say that all
the ideas somehow are really
part of many possible dimensions in space
and time. In other words, Ranma's
world actually exist, much like Jubilee's
and mine. The odds of thinking up
a world that actually exists in a parrallel
Earth are quite high. A few
weeks ago, there' was a significantly high
energy release in the Andromeda
System, in your dimension Kairi, that had
gone unnoticed."
"But you detected it." he said. "Of course, when you're
20,000
years old, you tend to think of
everything." Washu replied. "Now, this
energy was strong enough to affect the
space time rifts and affected the
human population on Earth. As you know, the
human brain can only use about
30% of it's potential energy. You ever
stopped to wonder what would happen
if you could use more of your brain?"
"Weird if you ask me." Jubilee said. "But how come I
haven't
noticed this before." Kairi said.
"Think about this: when was the last time
you've been able to warp yourself into
another dimension?" Washu asked.
Kairi nodded and said "Good
point."
"Now, I imagine you've come here for more than just to chit chat
'bout time rifts." Washu said. Jubilee
said "It's that Larry Hama guy! He's
ruining the comic. Everbody's tryin' to
talk some sense into him, but he
ain't listening."
"Ah, a tricky case." Washu said. "I believe that there's
something
in my lab that can help. It's my Dream
Manipulation Chamber."
"Que?" asked Kairi. "I built a portable chamber that
allows you to
enter and control the dreams of someone who
is asleep. However, it's been
untested. In theory, it could kill the
dreamer or possibly drive him to have
psychotic episodes..."
"We'll take it!!!" Jubilee and Kairi shouted. "Sure, ok,
but on
one condition." Washu said as she
smiled at Kairi.
"Uh Oh."
Sitting down at the table in the sall cafe in WuTai, Jubilee
asked "Well Scott, what are the
chances we can do this?"
Scott Lobdell downed his drink while Chris Bachalo continued to
stare at the rather large machine that
Jubilee & Kairi had brought in. "From
what you're telling us," he started
"It looks like he's trying to buy time
for himself so that he can stay on the
comic a little longer. I just don't
understand why he just completely ignored
all of past info we got."
"Well, the thing to remember," Chris started "is that
Hama's a
complete disrespectful, self serving
backpeddling jackass. But we can do
something about it. Now, what about the
helmets?"
"Ev's gonna go around & distribute them soon." Jubilee
explained.
"I'll contact you when we're ready.
There should be some instructions that
come with them. Say, have you guys seen
Kairi?" Scott nodded & replied "Went
around to exlore a little bit. But why did you recruit him
anyway? I've
heard he's a bit of a loose cannon &
once wrote a romance fic...wait a
minute, Jubes? You got something up your
sleeve again?" Jubilee frowned I
replied "I'm not doing this fer myself
you know." Chris drank his fruit
smoothie as he commented "This whole
fixation on Ev is really unhealthy you
know. He's more likely gonna end up with
Monet if the writers have any
future plans for him." Jubilee
muttered something to herself as Scott
chuckled.
Elsewhere Kairi walked across
one of the bridges of WuTai &
stopped under a tree. As he stood &
looked out towards the mountains, he
heard a voice go "Pssst!! Hey,
you!" Kairi looked up & saw a short haired
girl in shorts & wearing a green shirt
sitting on a branch. "Um, are you
talking..." Kairi started to say, but
the girl interupted him. "No time to
explain! Did you see a large, bald guy
around here?" Not exactly sure what
was going on, Kairi was about to reply when
the man in question stalked up
to the tree. "Ha, I found ya, ye
little sneak! Give me back my materia,
Yuffie!!"
"Hey, I won the materia fair & square1" she shouted back.
"Not my
fault you totally suck in martial
arts!!" Fuming, the guy threw a punch at
the tree, which Kairi managed to dodge. His
fist slammed into the trunk
enough to rattle the tree, sending Yuffie
falling. But before she hit the
ground, Kairi caught her in her arms.
"Ummm....thanks, I guess." Yuffie
mumbled.
"Hey, no prob--whoa!!" Kairi managed to sidestep the punch
that was
going towards him as the bald guy screamed
"Give me the girl runt, this
ain't yer problem."
"You know," Yuffie said to Kairi as he ducked, jumped &
absorbed
all the punches thrown at them "I can
take the big klutz. He's not very
bright."
"Yeah but it's---whoa---real hard to---yikes---put somebody down
when---whoop---ou're trying not
to---ouch---get punked!!!" Quickly, holding
Yuffie close to him, Kairi spun on his heel
& kicked the huge guy in the
head, knocking him out. Kairi sighed as he
put her down. As Jubilee ran up
to them see asked "Hey, Kairi, you
okay?". He nodded as he noticed that
Yuffie was staring at him. "Well, sorry
we had to meet like this," he said.
"I'm Kairi." Yuffie only nodded
as Jubilee remarked "Hmmm, nice touch. Well,
c'mon we gotta get to work." As they
ran off, Yuffie smiled & said to
herself "He's almost cuter than Cloud.
Well almost. Hopefully, he doesn't
have a girlfriend like Cloud."
Meanwhile, elsewhere on Earth, other particularly intresting
events were taking place around the city.
Captain America had decided to
take a tour of the U.N., much to the
shegrin of several terroists from some
country I can't even speel, much less heard
of, who tried to take the place
hostage. Chamber and Husk took a tour of
the Bronx Zoo together. Too bad the
elephant decided to spray water at the
wrong person. Skin decided to go to a
Broadway play. Unfortunatley, he had
forgotten exactly how much it costs for
a front row seat to 'Bring in Da Noise,
Bring in Da Funk'.
Ryoga and Mr. Saotome, on the other hand, decided to meet with
Akane in the Broadway branch of the Queens
library. Which wouldn't have so
bad if Ryoga wasn't leading the way and
ended up somewhere in Main Street,
Flushing. Fortunatley Mr. Saotome, who
could get a lot attention being a
giant panda at the moment, was able to get
a bus map and found a bus to take
them there.
Melanie paced back and forth around the computers, apparently
bored. No one was at the computers today,
mostly because of the strange
events surrounding the day. All she knew
was that when she woke up to feed
Jacob, in the middle of the night as all
babies request, she looked out the
window and saw several large, yellow birds
walking around, going 'Wark!' and
pecking at the cars. Then, she heard on the
radio that some guy on a
surfboard was flying all around the city.
To top it off, some girl with a
short haircut was in the back talking it up
with Anita, who had apparently
gone totally estatic when she caught sight
of her. As she pondered on these
events, a girl in a t-shirt and jeans
opened the door while a large object,
covered in a blue sheet, was pushed in by
Kairi. "Uh, Kairi, mind explainig
what's going on here?"Melanie asked.
Kairi peeked behind from the object and
said "Huh? Oh, nothing really.
Jubilee, this is my co-worker, Melanie."
"Hi," Jubilee said. "Oh, which way's the back?"
Melanie pointed
to her left and said "Over there. Be
careful, Anita's in the back with
someone. You need help with that?"
"No, I've got it." Kairi said as he pushed it. The library
supervisors only stared in disbelief as
Kairi pushed the object to the back
of the library.
The area that Melanie pointed to was a small little section that
had one book truck and three walls separating
it from the library. As
Jubilee walked in first, she saw a girl in
glasses talking with Akane. "Hey
Akane." she said. Akane smiled and
said "Oh, Jubilee!" Anita waved her hand
and said "Hi. Is Kairi with you."
Kairi came in, pushing the object saying
"Man, what the heck did Washu build
this thing outta, titanium alloy?"
"Ah, Kairi." Akane said smiling as she
walked up to him. "I've
been meaning to speak to you." Kairi
scratched his head as he asked "Er,
what's on your mind." Akane then
proceded to pull out a large mallet as she
yelled "YOU PERVERT!!" and
whacked Kairi upside the head!
"OW! Hey, that hurt!" Kairi said. "That
was for reading that
lemon story, deviant! (Author's note: For
those that may not know, a Lemon
story, simply put, is a dirty story
involving anime characters and...well
you can figure out the rest.) What the hell
wee you doing reading 'Female
Fiancee's Fun', anyway?"
"Who told you that?" Kairi yelled. Akane
pointed to Anita, who
said "I needed something to talk
about."
"Oh, that reminds me..."
Jubilee landed a hard left hook on Kairi's jaw as he
said
"Damn, what was that for?!"
"You know!" Jubilee said. At that point
Monet walked in and
said "Hey, are you ready to start?
Angelo and Paige are over at Marvel
and..." Upon seeing Kairi, she
proceeded to walk over and elbow him in the
ribs. "Ok and that was for..."
Anita said. "He knows!" Monet said, crossing
her arms.
"This just isn't your day, huh?" Anita
asked as Kairi rubbed
his ribs. "Is there anyone else who
wants to beat me up out there?" he
asked.
(Author's note: Ok, this was about to get
ugly, so to sum it all up: Storm
came in and let loose a lightning bolt on
Kairi, then Rouge and the White
Queen came and beaned him with a couple of
steel chairs, then Jean Grey just
kicked him in the groin and Akane whacked
him with the mallet again and put
him in the Boston Crab, saying something
about doing a favor for both Nabiki
and Ukyo. Why I'd put myself though that
kinda cartoonish self abuse for the
sake of humor and revenge is beyond me, so
don't ask. On with the story.)
"Ok, I hope everbody's got that out of their
system now,"
Kairi said, limping and swallowing a couple
of asprins. "Now to deal with
Larry Hama. Unless the 'Committe To Open Up
A Can Of Whoop Ass on Kairi' has
anything else to add!"
"Nope!"
Kairi whipped out the manual to the device as he
asked
"Now, you sure that they'll be able to
get Hama to sleep?" Monet smiled.
"Hey, I personally mixed the sleeping
potion myself, so everthing will go
perfectly as planned." she answered.
"Of course, I'd rather think of
finder
better ways of changing someone's mind
rather than tormenting them through
their dreams."
"Nope, sorry, I don't think so." Jubilee
said as she pulled
off the sheet. The device in question was a
large rectangular bluish purple
box with a steel lock. Taking out a key,
Jubilee unlocked it and the box
stretched out to expose a large computer
screen with a keyboard and several
black helmets.. Two monitors, labeled
'Brain Frequency' were at each side.
"The manual," Kairi read
"states that once the victim falls asleep, we
should put the red helmet, the one that
Angelo has, onto the subject and use
the keyboard to control the scenario, while
the black helmets control our
thoughts over him." Jubilee smiled and
pulled out a cell phone. "Well, time
to see if our would be tormentor has taken
the bait."
Hama sat down in his chair, looking over his two
latest
disgruntiled heroes, Angelo Espinosa and
Paige Guthrie. As he held his mug,
he felt a silent rage trying to eplain
himself to just about everybody that
was involved with the Gen X comic.
"Look, I know how everybody feels about
what I'm doing," he sighed "but
I'm telling you, it's for the best. I know
that being led around by a talking around
seems foolish, but it's
entertaining. I've worked on both Wolverine
and G.I. Joe, so I'm pretty sure
it'll work out."
"G.I. Joe?" Angelo said. "I remember
that from WAAYY long
ago. Course, dunno if I remember if I liked
it or not. I'm pretty sure it
was nice." Paige sighed and said.
"I know you've been hearing this all day,
but can you at least try to restore some
order? I mean, sort out the
Pennance situation, it really makes little
sense."
Hama downed the coffee. "Nope, no can do,"
he replied. "I
kinda like how it is now. Besides it's
really the other editors you might
wanna talk with." As Hama yawned,
Angelo smiled. "OK homey, you leave us no
choice. I was lookin' foward to this."
"What are you...talkin...." Hama slowly
dozed off and as his
head hit the desk, Paige closed the door to
the office. Angelo's cell phone
rang and he answered it saying "Ok,
the victim's all set."
"Good," Jubilee's voice said on the phone.
As Paige put the
red helmet on Hama, Angelo took out the
black helmets from his bookbag and
said "You know, maybe we should be
feelng guilty about this."
"Nah." Paige concluded.
Hama awoke with a jerk. It was barely lit in what
seemed to
be his office and his desk, not to mention
all of his stuff was gone, except
for the chair he sat in. Facing him was
Jubilee and that Kairi kid, both
with arms crossed. "Welcome to thy
house of pain." Kairi said.
"What's goin' on? Where's my stuff." Hama
shouted. "In case
you're wondering," Jubilee began
"You're dreaming. We've tried everything to
convince you, so your sorry ass has one
last chance to change what you're
doing or suffer."
"You've got to be serious!" he scoffed.
"There's no way
that I'll do anything you ask!" Kairi
grinned wickedly as Jubilee said "Ok,
suit yourself. Get' im Akane!" Hama
turned to see a young girl holding a
large baseball bat preparing to swing.
"What th-"
"HAMA NO BAKA!!" Akane yelled as she
whacked him with the
bat. (There's your japanese lesson for the day, kids!) Hama was sent flying
all the way through the wall of the office,
head first, into the elevator.
As he got up, he coughed "You're all
maniacs!" He pressed the button to the
lobby and he heard Emma's calm voice saying
"Going Down." Unfortunatley for
Mr. Hama, the elevator plummeted at about
25 MPH to the bottom floor.
Hama staggered out of the wreckage of the
elevator,
heading outside. The city was strangely
empty and dark. "Where's a taxi when
you need one?" he said. Out of
nowhere, a taxi pulled up right next to him.
Not one to question, Hama pulled the door
open and yelled to the taxi driver
"Drive!" As he slammed the door,
the driver turned around and Hama saw, to
his horror, that it was Paige. "Hang
on, city slicker." she said. Tires
screeching, Paige drove off as Hama was
pushed back into his seat.
As Paige drove through stores and windows and made
extremely sharp curves, she said
"Y'all jut stay comfy now, I only had 'bout
23 accidents or so, so I'll get the hang of
it!" Hama blinked his eyes and
screamed "Stop the car! Stop I say!
Let me off!"
"Are you kiddin'? Not while he's chasing
us!" Hama looked
out the back of the window. A pair of
giant, reptilian feet was in close
pursuit and a familiar roar was heard.
"Ok, now. If you want to get out of
this, will you change your mind?"
"No!" Hama said vehemently "Very
well then." Paige said "You
can deal with Godzilla yourself."
Paige faded out as Hama looked behind him
just as Godzilla gave the taxicar a good
punt kick that would make the 98
Green Bay Packers jealous.
"Whoa!
Where'd I land at now?" Hama said. As he got out of
the car, he was in the hallway of a police
station, with a statue of a lady
holding a pitcher at the center. As he
looked at the hole in the ceiling the
taxi left, the door burst open. Kairi came
in, in a S.W.A.T. team uniform,
armed with a shotgun and rocket launcher.
Shutting the door quickly, he said
"You're in the wrong place
buddy."
"What are you talking about?" Hama said,
irritated that one
of his tormentors had shown up.
"Zombies, dude." Kairi replied. "City's
infested with them. They're heading this
way. If you're smart, you'll come
with me. On one condition though..."
"Oh, so that's it huh?" Hama interupted.
"Well forget it.
There's no way I'll change my mind!"
Kairi shrugged. "Suit yourself." Kairi
tossed the rocket launcher to Hama and
smiled as he blinked out. Suddenly
the door broke down. The zombies, who were
once G.I. Joes, spilled into the
room, moaning "Yo Joeee."
"Eat this!" Hama yelled as he raised the
rocket launcher.
However, he didn't count on it exploding
and sending him through the roof.
Scott walked through the long, winding hallwy,
dressed in
brown robes. "He's around here
somewhere. But where?" Then from another
room, Hama stepped out dressed in black.
"You!!" Scott said. "I think I've
finally got the hang of this." Hama
said. He withdrew a lightsaber &
unsheathed it, saying "At last we meet
again, Scott." As Lobdell withdrew
his own lightsaber, Hama continued
"The circle is now complete. When I last
left you you were the master & I was
the new writer. Now I am the master!"
"Only a master of godawful writing,
Larry!!" Scott answered
as he blocked a blow from Hama.
"You've gone too far!! You changed the
backstory to your benefits & ignored
the fans. You must be stopped."
"Heh, your writing prowess is weak old
man!!" Hama laughed
"You should not have come. This
comicWILL bend to my will or it will end up
sharing the same fate of Elektra!!"
Scott whacked Larry hard with his foot
upside his head & said "I think
not. Tun around, idiot." Hama turned to see
Chris hovering right next to him in a
X-Wing. As Scott ducked out of the
way, Chris yelled "Jubilee's eyes are
blue, dumbass!!!" & fired a blast at
Hama, sending him into a wall.
When his eyes opened, Hama saw himself standing in a
warehouse. Standing in front of him was
Jono & Emma, wearing black suits.
"Gee, you guys look a bit small."
Hama said in a rather distorted voice.
Then, looking down at himself, he saw that
he had become a large
grasshopper. "Larry, this is all
rather easy to solve." Emma started "Just
fix what you done & step away from the
comic. That way, we won't torment you
any longer." Larry laughed & said
"I'm afraid not, Queenie. I personally do
not care for this comic & those
editors, save one, think that they can push
me around. No one controls me. There's not
a whole lot you can do about it."
:Wanna bet, mate: Jono retorted as they pulled out
some rather
large (I mean LARGE) laser cannons. :You
know, you're right, Ms. Frost, this
is right out therupeutic:
"Indeed."
The cannon blasts set Hama on fire & launched him
through the
roof.
Hama found himself on a field. As he looked all
around him,
he saw Akane and Jubilee, dressed in karate
uniforms. "So, still won't
change your mind." Akane asked.
"Heh." Hama sneered. "You forget you've got
me in a dream world, so I can do what I
want." Hama pulled out a bo staff
and said. "You want some of this? Come
and get me, tomboys."
"Bad choice of words." Jubilee said as she
steped back. Akane
came at him so quickly, he could ony wimper
as she beat on him at a frantic
pace with everything she could think of. As
Hama looked up after Akane
finished pummeling him, he saw Angelo and
some giant panda staring down at
him. "Yo, Hama. Quit?" Angelo
asked. "Never!" Hama groanned. "OK then. Get
him Genma." Mr. Saotome lept up and
dropped himself onto the dazed Hama, who
screamed as he fell through the crowd.
The next thing Hama knew, he was standing in the
middle of a
wrestling ring, with a giant crowd watching
over him. Seanstood in a tuxedo
while Ev stood in a referee's uniform.
"Where the hell am I now!" Hama
yelled. "Don't ask me." Ev said
"This is the only time I've been n this
crazy story." Then Hama heard glass
shatter and the crowd went ballistic.
"And his opponent," Sean boomed
"From Victoria, Texas, STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN!!!"
Hama watched in horror as a lone bald man in jeans
and a shirt
that said 'Austin 3:16' approached his
location. As Austin stepped through
the ropes, he smiled as Hama stood like a
lamb being prepared for the
slaughter.
(Author's Note: As much as I would like to
describe more ways of having
Larry Hama punished, I'm afraid that I must
cut to the big finish. Needless
to say, Hama got his!)
Jubilee stood over Hama as we wheezed from everything
he
suffered. "OK, we'll try this
again." She pulled out a katana as she said
"Fix what you've done, or else little
Hama's gonna be permanetly separated
from big Hama!" As she raised the very
sharp weapon, Hama covered his face
with his arms and said "I'll do it!
Please, No!!!"
The next thing Hama knew, he awoke screaming. He was
back in
his office, where Paige and Angelo were
sitting, staring at him. "So, can we
talk?" Angelo asked.
At that point, Hama's eyes twitched & he frothed
at the
mouth. He began to laugh maniaclly and
screamed "Yes!! Why not!! I'm free
from you! Finally! Horrible, horrible freedom!!"
Later that night, Kairi, Anita, Melanie, Jubilee and
Akane
stood outside the library while Ryoga and
Mr. Saotome hauled the machine
away. "So, Hama went insane and had to
be committed." Anita said. "That
means they'll get a new writer."
Jubille nodded and added. "With our
aproval, of course. Wouldn't want to have
to put some other shumck through
the treatment again."
"At least we had something to do at work."
Melanie said. "What
about tomorrow?" Kairi rubbed the back
of his head. "I dunno 'bout you but
I'm taking a vacation." he announced.
"You need a vacation?" Akane asked
"Well, I suppose so, after
everything that you put up with
today."
"Not without me he's not." They all turned
to see Washu
walking down the street. "Little
Washu!" Akane said. "What's going on?"
"I'm making good on my agreement with my
potential guinea
pig." she answered. Kairi smiled and
said "Er, I'll see ya guy's in a little
while." As Kairi blinked out, Jubilee
asked "Where'd he run off to?" Washu
checked a beeping signal on her watch.
"Uh oh." she said.
"You know," Nabiki started as she sat down
at the tablewith
Kairi & Washu, who was clining to his
arm "It's nice that your staying here
for your vacation, but at the very least,
you can look happy."
"I hope you don't mond that I brought some
company over for
our vacation." Washu said. As Kairi
looked over to where Jubilee, Akane &
Anita was sitting, Jubilee remarked
"Hey, after all we've been through, ya
still owe me." Kairi shook his head.
"Is he still miffed about the
accident?" Akane asked.
"What accident?" Nabiki asked. Anita then
proceeded to take a
kettle of water & poor it over his
head, turning him into a giant fox. "Next
time, maybe you'll think twice before you
go to Jusenkyo." she said.
"Think of it this way," Nabiki added.
"Your clothes fit &
you're very cute & fuzzy."
"Kairi held up a sign that read 'I am
definatley,totally
cursed!!'