Warning: Edward Cullen fan girls and Twihards may take some offence towards this tale. You have been warned so flames will not be tolerated.

Dear Readers, welcome to another tale filled with nonsense and rubbish on my part - hopefully amusement on yours. This story is confusing and sarcastic - I'm British, so if you don't understand my humour message or pm me so that I can explain it fully.

Peace out!

I flicked my tail back and forth in frustration.

I caught glimpses of the red apple shape when the spine was opened.

The pages were filled with black ink making me want to go and claw a certain persons eyes out.

My owner, a feeble minded little girl, giggled over the love struck couple portrayed in this book, cooing and swooning over some fictional muscle man.

It made me sick.

It was impossible.

Impractical and dim.

Nothing like this could ever happen in a million years – but then again, neither could a talking cat.

Oh.

Did I just let something slip?

"You should acquire a hobby, Sandra," I hissed from my perch on the giggling girl's desk.

"Oh hush Lucifer," she snapped back.

Sandra narrowed her eyes at the pages but I could tell she wasn't aiming her frustration at the book – rather at me.

I would like to introduce myself; my name is Lucifer van Dorsten and I am a British male black domestic long haired…cat.

But as you have gathered, I am no ordinary house hold cat.

I can talk.

"Sandra," I hissed when she sighed wistfully while flicking a page over. "Please, have some control over yourself. It's a book for God's sake."

"Like a cat can tell me what I can or cannot do," she sneered, peeling her nose away from the book to send me a glare.

I bared my teeth at her, the fur on the back of my neck bristling.

"You, little girl, are an uneducated moron."

Sandra's glare turned into a frown, "A what?"

The tempo, of which my tail was flicking at, increased. My aggravation clear.

"Fine, if you must permit me to listening to your sighing and giggling, please pray tell what the message behind this story is?"

Sandra's eyes flicked back to the book before meeting my narrowed eyes.

"Edward Cullen is hot?"

My back arched as I hissed at the dim-witted girl, she truly would send me insane.

"Of course, a vampire who craves the blood of a clumsy fool of a girl is obviously a very deep meaning to what could be seen as such a shallow book to the majority of the Earths population," I snarled while standing from the desk and jumping down to slide towards the door.

"I was stupid to stick around for this long. To think of it! A cat like me wasting away his years in the company of what I would call vermin!"

"Good riddance!" she called after me as I strutted out of the room.

Shooting one last glare towards her door, I made my way down the hallway and out the cat flap.

The cold wind blew my fur in all directions, the stars high in the sky.

"Rough night, Luc?" a voice came from over next doors backyard fence.

"You would not believe that the human in there passed her exams last year," I tousled as I jumped over the fence.

Vincent lay on the other side, the tabby next door, was the only other of my kind who could talk. My only friend in this neighbourhood, he shared my views on the humans…his own had a copy of that dreaded book as well.

Vincent yawned, stretching out his paws and clawing at the ground in a lazy manner, "If you find the humans such a bother, why stick around?"

"And go where?" I questioned as I positioned myself next to him.

He hummed while rolling onto his back.

"Forks." The tabby flashed me a snide grin before winking.

"Forks," I snorted.

"Why not?"

"Does it even exist?" I asked incredulously.

Vincent shrugged before rolling over again. I licked my paw absentmindedly as I pondered the concept that was…Forks.

"I might, you know?" I decided after a moment, I had nothing to lose.

"Really?" Vincent asked, sitting bolt upright.

"Why not?" I turned to look at him properly.

"I just didn't think you'd take my suggestion seriously," he exclaimed, his face still bewildered.

"Hmm, you only live nine times," I sighed while looking at the moon.

The idea of visiting mythical creatures amused me; a chat with that dull boy called Edward would be amusing too. Who better to fill the position of bringing these people back to Earth than Lucifer van Dorsten?

"Indeed," he agreed softly. "Forks better watch out if it's getting a visit from THE Lucifer van Dorsten!"

I chuckled along with Vincent.

They better watch out indeed.

I hope you all enjoy my new character of Luc, I think he's amazing.

As the Paramore track titles goes, "Let the Flames Begin"