It's…
by Shawn Jones
Who wants to get royally fucked? Not me: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.
The Foreword
Here it goes, one last time. As usual the following story, appropriately titled It's…, is rated M for the crude and vulgar shit that comes to surface every now and again. Fuck is said 200,000 times in one paragraph…wait, no, no it isn't. Sorry, I must have been thinking of something else entirely. Really the whole basis of writing this story came from one joke, see if you can find it! There was also a particular plot device that also spurred it along, so there. I would like to think this was my most complete work, but I'm probably just taking the piss. Well there you have it, and now we cue the first chapter!
Enjoy,
Shawn Jones
The Average Goings On
All of the Freedom Fighters were gathering in the meeting room, preparing for the weekly discussion that they held weekly, as it were. Everyone was busy trying to memorize the speeches they all had to present, with the exception of Sonic, who was nowhere to be seen. Sally sat down at the head of the table, and the others sat down in their regularly assigned seats. Sally looked around the table at the nervous subjects, deciding who she was going to pick first.
"Dr. Quack, give us your summary, please," Sally said motioning to the doctor.
"Gersplekein," Quack mumbled. "There is nothing to report, Princess. No one is in the hospital right now, and there haven't been any injuries for weeks."
"What about the morgue?" Sally inquired.
"We are all still alive it would seem," Quack replied.
"Fair enough, thank you Dr. Quack." Quack sat back down in his seat, and began mumbling to himself in German. "Antoine, your summary on the defenses, please." Antoine stood up, straightening out his shirt. He took a deep breath, and then looked down at his notes.
"Zey are good," was his response, and he sat back down in his chair.
"Antoine!" Sally yelled. Antoine jumped out of his seat, and back to attention. "That's all you wrote down?"
"Yes, my princess, I would not have said or else, huh huh." Antoine sat back down in his seat. Sally shook her head in disgust, and once again surveyed the room.
"I hope the rest of you have a more detailed report to give me," she said staring them down. "Just where in the hell is Sonic anyway?" Immediately after Sally asked, a blue streak came thundering into the meeting room. Sonic stopped at the foot of the table and looked at each of them.
"It's…" Sonic began in a raspy voice, and then he was gone as quickly as he appeared. The blue streak left the same way it came.
"It's what? Is it, like, time for something?" Tails questioned. Sally put her head in her hands and sat quietly for the next few moments. She recomposed herself, and then looked over at Rotor.
"Do you have anything to report?" Sally asked.
"I haven't been looking up porn!" Rotor shouted.
"Nobody accused you," Sally replied.
"Oh, right. I'm working on these couple, three things. One is a virus I'm building for Robotnik's control server. The problem with it is the virus has to be uploaded manually, not remotely." Sally looked up at him in shock.
"You mean, you actually have something useful to tell me?"
"Yeah, do you want me to start making shit up?" Sally shook her head and motioned for him to continue. "Well the next thing is a little device I've been working on for some time now. It's a bug, but there are two unique things about it. The first one is it cannot be detected with any equipment that Robotnik would have available. The second is that it's programmed to fly directly to Robotnik's control center. I don't know if it works, as I haven't tested it for obvious reasons, but I did smaller scale tests and it worked. In fact Sally, you and Sonic…"
"That's quite enough, thank you," Sally broke in, blushing. "That's certainly something to look into further, the virus anyway. You can go ahead and send out the bug, who knows what could happen?"
"Well, it'll either work or it won't," Rotor stated philosophically. Sally rolled her eyes at the remark, and then rested her head on the table. Everyone looked at each other with puzzlement.
"Maybe she's just resting her eyes," Tails suggested.
"What does that mean 'resting her eyes'?" Rotor asked.
"Enough," Sally said, lifting her head off the table. "Does anyone here have something important to say?" She examined the room one final time. "Bunnie?" Bunnie responded by shaking her head. "Why do we hold these weekly meetings then?"
"Probably to piss some time away, so we can forget our mundane existence for an hour," Rotor replied, shrugging his shoulders. "It could be why Sonic stopped showing up to them. Well, it's either that or your swearing kitty."
"I don't know any other way to stop him from swearing, do you?" Sally asked.
"He hasn't really stopped swearing, he just puts a shitload of money in the kitty," Rotor acknowledged.
"Well don't swear, or I'll make you add money to the kitty," Sally scolded. "Anyway, I guess if no one has anything important to say, the meeting is adjourned." She then shot a glare at Antoine before he could say anything. Everyone relaxed in their chairs and began talking idly to each other. Sonic came back in while everyone was talking, and pulled up a chair next to Sally.
"Hey Sal, what's happening?"
"Look Sonic, I know we're trying not to argue, but you need to start coming to these meetings. Apparently we only need to hold one a month," she added in dismay.
"Do you know how fuckin busy I am?" Sonic asked. Sally just looked at him and frowned.
"That's 50 bucks in the kitty, Sonic. It's going to start increasing," she observed.
"Toss the salad," Sonic grinned.
"You mean like buttfuck?" Tails questioned.
"Damn it Tails! I told you not to say that again," Sally scolded. "I just got done telling Sonic to stop swearing, and here you go."
"I'm sorry Auntie Sally, I didn't mean any bad stuff."
"Bad stuff? You said 'fuck' Tails, that word isn't acceptable around here," Sally continued to chastise.
"I said I was sorry Auntie Sally, I'm sorry I'm a dumb douchebag."
"You and me both," Sonic replied.
"Sonic," Sally said, giving him a disappointed look. "Now Tails, it's not that you're stupid, I just don't want you talking like that, okay?"
"Yeah Sugar, you aren't a dumb douchebag. Don't ever say things like that 'bout yourself," Bunnie added.
"Okay Auntie Bunnie."
"So what exactly did you mean by 'toss the salad', Sonic?" Sally requested.
"Fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand," Sonic replied with a smile. Sally only shook her head at the remark. "Okay, everybody plug your ears, fuck, shit, ass, cunt, Tails," he rattled off before putting money in the can.
"Why did you say my name?" Tails asked.
"He is being ze slow, huh huh," Antoine laughed.
"Sonic, why is it you never follow up 'it's'?" Sally inquired, ignoring Antoine and Tails.
"I told you once."
"No you haven't."
"I most certainly did, but if you don't know about the significance of 'it's', I'm not allowed to say. Hey Bunnie, what's happening?" Sonic asked.
"I'm doin good, Sugar, how 'bout yourself?"
"That damn kitty is going to be the death of me. I can't imagine how much money I've put in there. I don't know how Sally expects me to buy a pack of smokes or a cheap whore with these limited funds."
"Hey Sonic, you are sitting right next to me," Sally brought up, poking him in the side. "And you don't smoke so that won't be a problem…"
"And Sally doesn't charge, so you're good there," Rotor interrupted. Sally shot him a glare, and he responded with a sheepish grin.
"I just want you to stop swearing so much, Sonic. Now you see just how much you do it. Plus it's a bad influence on Tails, as we've just heard oddly enough."
"I'm getting royally fucked is what's going on here," Sonic spat.
"Well isn't Sally royalty?" Rotor quipped.
"How does one get to be so funny?" Sonic asked.
"Since Knuckles left for Angel Island someone needed to pick up the slack."
"Well he's coming back later this week, so cool off shithead."
"Sonic! Now that's 150 bucks in the kitty…"Sally began.
"Can, it's called the can. I've told you once, you sound like a pussy when you say kitty," Sonic scolded.
"Well Sonic, it may come as a big surprise to you, but I don't have a dick," Sally retorted.
"Damn, I'm gone for a few meetings and everyone gets all witty on me," Sonic said, stuffing more money into the 'can'.