Chocolate Soldiers by nekofaust.
Disclaimer: I don't own red vs blue, or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I don't even own me, Tomtthomson owns me.
Chapter One – Gold Foil
The canyon was quiet. O'Malley had taken a mysterious disappearance, and the opposing Armies went back to Blood Gulch to continue their lives. None of them saw the need to stay in at O'Malley's temple, and the alien sort of scared them anyway. It had been almost a year since O'Malley left, and no one knew what he was up to, no one had heard reports of activity. For all they knew he could be dead. So, they went back to their old customs, trying to pretend they didn't know each other, to take away the pain of having to shoot people whom could be considered friends, torn away from each other by fate. This is where we find our cast, out in Blood Gulch, trying to pretend nothing had happened and that they still hated each other.
"Hey Tucker, You hear about that contest?"
"Do we have to catch the most amount of bullets with our torsos?" Tucker asked, looking up from his playboy.
"No…Wait…Uh, no." The blue-clad soldier answered.
"Ah. In that case, we would have sent Simmons." Tucker said, returning his gaze to the centerfold.
"Who?" Caboose asked, puzzled.
"The Maroon guy."
"Riight…Who is he again?" Caboose questioned.
"What kind of contest was it?" Tucker asked, ignoring Caboose's ignorance.
"Something about chocolate and gold tickets"
"Think the gold is worth anything?" Tucker said, imagining himself finding a ticket and pawning it for a mountain of cash.
"You're idiots, the both of you." Church stated, walking out from Blue Base.
"I always rely on Church to tell me what to think!"
Cut to the Reds
"La la la, going to get some gold," Donut sang, on his knees while sifting through rocks and pebbles.
"Donut, what are you doing?"
Donut turned to face the 'puke-colored' soldier, though not rising to indicate long conversation, "Hey Grif! I'm looking for gold," he replied.
"Gold? We're in the middle of a box canyon. A BARREN box canyon. Why would there be gold here, anyway?"
"Caboose said there was gold. The tank lady told him, so he came and told me." Donut said simply.
"Who?" Grif didn't remember and Red by the name Caboose. "Did we get another rookie?"
"We got a rookie?" Donut asked hopefully, then understanding dawned upon him. "Oh! Caboose, no! He's a rookie, but he's the Blue's rookie, we worked with them when chasing O'Malley"
"You know we don't talk about that." Grif scolded. "Besides, I don't think Sarge would be happy if he knew you were talking with a Blue."
"He's not like the other blues, he isn't mean like them, he's actually…really nice."
"A nice Blue?" Grif said, "Somehow, I doubt that." He removed a Willy Wonka chocolate bar from a compartment in his chest (So THAT'S why Tomtt doesn't die when I'm shooting…), unwrapped it, and took a bite.
"Well, I…Like…Caboose, so that's all that matters, right?" He turned back to his searching. "Tucker's Rock...I didn't know someone else was using these rocks!"
"AUGH!" Grif choked, bent over and hacking.
Donut turned again to notice Grif was gagging. Sarge chose that moment to hit Grif from behind. He spat out the gold foil that was caught in his throat. "What in Sweet Vitae? You were supposed to die!" Sarge said incredulously. "So much for the assassination attempt," he mumbled
"What's that?" Donut asked, pointing at the foil.
Grif took a good long look at the chocolate bar that he had dropped while suffocating, then at the gold foil that accompanied it. "It's a ticket…"
Back to the blues…or actually, Caboose and Sheila
"I wonder if this one will have a ticket in it," Caboose mused, something unfamiliar to him, while sitting on top of Sheila's main cannon, having been 'asked' to look after Sheila by Church. He opened the wrapper. Nothing. "Maybe the next one; would you like some, Sheila?" He asked happily.
"I do not eat, Caboose" Sheila answered rather curtly.
"Oh…Food time!" He shoved the whole bar in his mouth.
Elsewhere, Church and Tucker were talking about Caboose's gullibility
"I swear, the only thing he's good for is the chocolate." Church said, unwrapping a bar.
"Well, he found you, and was able to carry Andy," Tucker said. He looked from a crack in the ceiling, to Church, who was gaping open-mouthed at his gold-swathed chocolate.
"Well, that's rather…Interesting." Church said.
"What the fuck? I want to go!" Tucker said, jealous and knowing that the ticket-holders can bring one other person.
"Hell no, I'm taking Tex!"
"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" Tucker teased.
"…Shut the fuck up…"
Back to Caboose and Sheila. Caboose is beginning to get full, and Sheila is getting littered with wrappers
"Do you think I'll get a ticket?" Caboose asked, opening his seventh bar.
"Sure, Caboose" Sheila said, distracted.
"Si, senior" Lopez said, walking up to them.
"Hello, Lopez" Sheila and Caboose said in unison. Caboose with malice and Sheila with adoration.
Caboose looked down at Lopez, and caught a glint of gold. "Ah! My gold, it's made of chocolate!"
"Congratulations, Caboose" Sheila said.
"Sheila, will you go with me? It says here I can bring someone with me!"
"Puede leyer? (He can read?)" Lopez sneered.
"I'm sorry, Caboose, but I'm already being taken."