A/n: All right guys, this is something new. It's a little dark at first, but just keep reading. I probably won't get an update up again until the weekend's over, but I'll try. Please read and review telling me your thoughts and what not. So enjoy!!
I can't take this anymore. Ashley mumbled to herself as she pressed her warm lips up against the rum bottle and took another swig. She winced as she felt the warm liquor burn down her throat and into her stomach. She made a satisfying "ahh" noise after she tasted it. It was the only thing she could feel. She took a couple of pain killers and tossed a few anti-depressants into her mouth. She took the rum bottled and washed down the pills.
Today was the worst day of her life. It was the year anniversary of her best friend, her girlfriend, and her everything's death. Spencer Carlin died a year ago, in a car accident. Ashley was waiting for Spencer and Paula to arrive at their apartment. Ashley never forgave herself for not being in the car with them.
Ashley went through a year without Spencer, the anniversary of her death pushed Ashley over her limit. Ashley couldn't feel anything since Spencer's death. She tried everything. But every passing moment in Ashley's life, meant that every moment was lived without Spencer.
Ashley stared at the picture of her and Spencer, she smiled. It brought a slight joy to Ashley's face looking at Spencer's face in the picture. Ashley didn't take any of the pictures down she had around her apartment. She left all Spencer's clothes lying around and left it all untouched. She tried but she wasn't ready to remove all the memories she had with Spencer. We were so happy. Everything was better then; life had meaning with her in it. I can't---I can't do this anymore.
Ashley took another swig of her rum. Then she realized she was staring at the end of the bottle. She walked into the kitchen and took a vodka bottle out of the freezer. There was no food in her refrigerator; she rarely ate any thing over the past year. Most of her days she spent sleeping or drinking herself into a comatose state.
If someone took a look at Ashley they couldn't tell she was this confident, outgoing, and charismatic girl. This girl died the same night Spencer did. Ashley turned into a depressed, fragile, homebody person. She went out a couple of times, but she felt as if she was betraying Spencer some how.
Ashley took another swig of her liquor and did a line of cocaine. She needed to get completely fucked up to do what she was about to do. She was wearing one of Spencer's shirts. It still smelled of Spencer in every way. Ashley took in the fumes and smiled. "Spencer?" Ashley whispered out loud and looked over her shoulder. It was if she could feel Spencer's presence.
It was only wishful thinking. Ashley inched closer to her balcony. She looked over the edge onto the street and watched the traffic fly by. I hope I don't hurt anyone once I jump.
Ashley looked over the edge. She closed her eyes and took another swig of her drink. She stepped on the ledge and sat. She was testing her fate. She wasn't ready to jump yet, she was trying to enjoy the last minutes of her wasted life. She closed her eyes and reached in her memory and tried to remember the best moment she had with Spencer.
Ashley tried to remember their first kiss in this apartment. Someone opened the door and Ashley turned around to look who was coming in and she suddenly flashed back to Spencer and her opening the door on the first day they moved in...
-------
"This is my first place out on my own!" Spencer yelped and jumped into Ashley's arms.
Ashley squeezed Spencer tightly and gave her a peck on the cheek, "I didn't think you were going to be that excited!"
Spencer twirled around the living room with her arms spread wide. "Ahh, this is so exciting. This entire place all to ourselves. It's so empty in here...we need furniture!" Spencer ran through the apartment, "I want a couch here...a TV here...and a chair here...and a..."
Ashley cut off Spencer, "Aren't you the least bit exhausted from packing all day?" Ashley smiled. She loved how excited Spencer was.
"Excuse me ladies," the moving guy grumbled, "where do you want this bed?"
Spencer smiled, "uhh, uhh... in that room there. We want that to be our room right?" Spencer pointed to the far room with a balcony.
"Whatever you want babe." Ashley said as she slid her fingers on the kitchen counter.
Spencer jumped up and shrugged.
"Uh ma'am this is kind of heavy. Where am I dropping it?" The moving guys inched their way closer inside.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Right over there in that room. Follow me." Spencer made movements like she was landing and airplane; she wanted her bed perfectly placed.
Spencer came out talking to the moving guys, "Ohkay, just bring in the last couple boxes in that truck and the flat screen and then you guys are off till tomorrow." Spencer smiled as she pulled out a tip to give the boys.
"We'll have that right up, for you miss." They both high fived each other as they ran down the steps to get the rest of Spencer and Ashley's things.
"Hey, you didn't have to tip them... I would have gotten it." Ashley said with her hands slumped in her back pockets.
Spencer scoffed, "Whatever, it's not like I don't have a job."
"Speaking of that...why do you still work there? I have all the money in the world a person can dream of...why are you still working for tips?" Ashley said as she tugged on Spencer's shirt.
Spencer let out a deep sigh, "Well, tips suck and I know you have all the money in the world. But it's a family business and I want to keep helping my parents out...ya know?" Spencer gave Ashley a peck on the cheek.
Ashley smiled, "But...more work for you is less time with me. But I'll keep trying to understand."
Spencer grinned, "Good. I'm starved. What do you want to eat?"
Ashley was looking at the floor then she slowly looked up at Spencer and had that look on her face. "Well...what's on the menu?"
Spencer's mouth dropped and she gave Ashley a slight push, "Ash, for real. I meant like ... food. I could do some Chinese."
Ashley grinned, "Guess I'll take an order of Spencer Carlin later tonight?" Ashley awaited her answer.
Spencer smiled and started to walk away, "Of course, we have to christen the new apartment, don't we?"
"Ah, I knew I taught you well. All right grab your purse and let's go grab some grub." Ashley said as she stood in the door way, tapping on the door. "Spencer? Did you get lost back there?"
Ashley heard distant yelling, "I'm coming! I'm coming." Spencer ran up to Ashley partially out of breath, "Sorry I had to pee. I'm ready."
"Let's go." Ashley patted Spencer's butt and Spencer let out a giggle.
"Shall I do the honors?" Spencer held out their apartment key.
Ashley gave a half smile, "You want to be the first to lock our apartment door? Go right ahead." Ashley stood behind Spencer with her arms crossed and watched.
Spencer fidgeted with the lock for a bit, "Uhh I think it's stuck." Spencer jiggled the handle.
"You've got to be kidding me..." Ashley deeply sighed and walked up towards Spencer.
"Psych!" Spencer pulled out the key and jiggled the knob to make sure it was locked, and then started laughing.
"Very funny. Haha. Now, let's go eat?"
"You should have seen you face!! You were so ready to break down and cry. All right I'm ready to eat." Spencer skipped a head of Ashley and waited for her to catch up.
"Aww, are you mad at me? I know you're not." Spencer smiled. Spencer held out her hand and awaited Ashley to grab it.
"So, I saw this Chinese place like a block from the apartment. Let's walk." Ashley said as she squeezed Spencer's hand and leaned her head on Spencer's shoulder.
"So you want to sit and eat or take out?" Ashley looked at Spencer as they walked up to the hostess stand.
"Sit, I think." Spencer smiled and couldn't keep her eyes off Ashley. She was deeply in love with the brown eyed girl standing before her.
Before Ashley could get another word out the hostess interrupted them, "Oh my God. Is that you Susan?"
Spencer and Ashley confusedly looked at each other.
"Susan, remember me? Brett? We were best friends out in Ohio? Come on. Remember? I always wondered what happened to you, you just BAM moved away. Leaving no trace of you, no number, must I say I was devastated." Brett chuckled, "Don't you remember me?"
"Spencer?" Ashley looked at Spencer, extremely confused.
Spencer shrugged her shoulders and shuddered at bit, "I--uuh don't know what you're talking about. My name is Spencer...I must have one of those faces, that look familiar."
"I could have sworn... you must be her long lost twin or you're playing a joke on me Susan, for old time's sake." Brett fake punched Spencer in the shoulder.
Ashley had about enough of this guy, "Look. Her name is Spencer, and we just want to sit down and eat. So can you do your job bud?"
"Can we get take out?" Spencer said then whispered, "I've had enough of this guy."
Ashley shook her head and gave Spencer a peck on the cheek, "Forget it, we'll order out, BRETT." Ashley emphasized his name and threw some of her Ashley attitude along with it.
Ashley grabbed the bag and carried it back to the apartment while Spencer was being silent, "What's up? That guy really bother you?"
Spencer smiled, "Eh, not really."
"I'm sure it was just some version of a lame pickup line." Ashley bumped Spencer with her hip.
Spencer forced out a fake laugh, "Probably. I'm starved. Let's enjoy our food." Spencer said as she threw down her purse on the floor.
Spencer threw the food on the floor on the account they didn't have a table or chairs yet. "Guess we're eating on the floor?"
"Well it's clean." Ashley smiled.
They began to dig into their food and while they were chewing away Ashley just stared at Spencer. She looked into her beautiful blue eyes and watched her hair fall so perfectly on her face. "I love you, Spence." Ashley smiled.
Spencer looked up, "You too." Spencer rarely said I love you back. Spencer's last words to her father were I love you before he died. Ever since then she could rarely bring her self to say it that often. She felt as if, telling someone she loved them instantly took their life away. She couldn't bear to loose Ashley, so she tried hard not to tell her those three fatal words.
In the time span they had been dating, she probably said I love you about three times. She knew she loved her, she loved her with all her heart, but she just couldn't... Ashley understood most of the time, it hurt sometimes, but she tried to grasp the concept of Spencer's way of thought.
Ashley sighed, wishing Spencer would say the same words back to her. Spencer looked up at Ashley after she finished poking around with her food. She saw how devastated and disappointed she was in her. Spencer tried to gulp it down and find the courage to say I love you. She paused and just looked at Ashley. Trying to find a reason, not to say those three words. She couldn't find one reason.
"I love you, Ashley." Instantly Ashley looked up at Spencer and her eyes shined.