The Lion, the Witch, and Xandir's Wardrobe
The show opens on a shot of the yard by the Drawn Together house. We see the housemates engaged in play tryouts, taking turns reading from scripts on a little stage, similar to the one in Clum Babies. Sitting in the front row of chairs is the Jew Producer, flanked by Mrs. Baker (from Clara's Dirty Little Secret & Spelling Applebee's) and a lady with brown hair, a maroon shirt and pink pants (seen in many episodes) All three of them are holding clipboards. Beyond the small stage, where the Indian casino once stood, we see about twenty small purple Genies (from Gay Bash) hard at work building a theatre.
Xandir: (in confessional) (singing)
The wind began to switch
the house to pitch
And suddenly the hinges started to unhitch
Just then the witch,
to satisfy an itch
Went flying on her broomstick thumbing for a hitch
(giggles) This is, like, the best challenge ever! The Jew Producer wants us to put on a production of The Wizard of Oz! Bet you'll never guess which character I'm hoping to get, right? I'll give you a hint – I've always been a friend of hers, but here's my chance to BE her! Well? Give up? Oh…yeah, I can't hear you. Anyway, get this! Remember my first boyfriend when I came out? And I thought I would never see him again when Lord Slashstab swooped down and scooped him up and took him away? Well, he finally escaped and he's back!
The Genie (now full size) saunters in and sits on the armrest. He looks at the camera.
Genie: (flirtatiously) Hi…
Xandir: (giggles) Oh you…
The Genie kisses Xandir's cheek, winks at the camera, then leaves.
Xandir: So, he offered to help with the show, build the theatre, paint the set, handle the props and costumes, be my sex slave, and my own personal dresser IF I tried out for Dorothy! Oooh, gee, like twist my arm already! (sings) "My boyfriend's back, and you're gonna be in trouble!" Or should I say boyfriends? I forgot that he can multiply! We can have an orgy if we want to! (giggles) Oh, and the Jew Producer said we could keep the costumes after the show! (sighs) It's a dream come true…(as Xandir continues talking, the image of him changes to a dream-like sequence. We see him dressed up as Dorothy, complete with the brown wig with pigtails. He clutches the basket and bats his eyes at someone on his left, and the camera pulls back to reveal the Genie stretched out the bed, holding a long stem red rose. Sultry music begins to play as Xandir begins his slow, slow striptease. Suddenly, we hear a knocking at the door.
Cut to Xandir in the confessional, tsking at the door.
Xandir: Um, like, I'll be a few minutes, okay? So, anyway…
Cut back to the dream sequence. We see a close-up of Xandir's feet in the glittering ruby slippers as they slowly step over the dress that is now on the floor.
Xandir (voice-over): You're probably wondering if I keep the ruby slippers on….
The camera pulls back and we see the back view of a naked Xandir, except for the shoes, jump on top of the Genie. We hear knocking again.
Cut to Xandir in the confessional.
Xandir: (flailing his arms angrily) What? I'm telling a story!
Clara's voice: And do you really think the viewers want to hear every single detail about your sex life?
Xandir: Well, *most* of them do!
Clara's voice: Come on, Xandir! You've been in there long enough!
Xandir: (whining) I was just getting started with my story!
We hear Clara groan, then retreat. Xandir smirks, clears his throat and continues.
Xandir: So yeah, anyway, of course I would leave the shoes on. I mean my feet are pretty and all, when I shave them, of course. But they'll look even prettier with those ruby slippers on, and it will look much nicer when I – (he is interrupted again by a knock)
Toot's voice: Oh, Xaaandirrrr!
Xandir: Oh, hey, Toot! I'll just be another minute, okay?
Toot's voice: Aw, come on, Xandir! Can't a girl get a chance to talk? I haven't been in there all week!
Xandir: Aw, I'm sorry Toot!
He opens the door – to see Clara standing there. She promptly blocks the door with her foot so he can't pull it shut. Xandir looks around.
Xandir: I thought I heard Toot.
Clara: (in Toot's voice) You did! Hee hee!
Xandir: You little sneak! How did you do that?
Clara: (in normal voice) Oh, I can do anything…(in Toot's voice) big boy!
Xandir: (tries to pull the door shut) Well, *you* can wait!
Clara: (stepping further into the confessional) Xandir, you have a phone call. You don't want to keep Fernando waiting, do you?
Xandir: Oh my God! Fernando!
Clara: (very serious) He sounded angry, Xandir. He said you have a lot of explaining to do!
Xandir: Well, instead of joking around, why didn't you just say so? (he rushes off)
Clara: (in Toot's voice) I just did! (she pulls the door shut, then sits down in the chair and resumes her normal voice) Wow, that was too easy.
CUE OPENING TITLES
All the housemates, except for Xandir and Clara, are watching T.V. Mrs. Baker silently enters the living room unnoticed, and begins tacking a single piece of paper on the wall. Once it's up, she turns around and clears her throat. The housemates turn to look at her, and she runs out.
Foxxy: Ooh, that must be the cast list!
They all get up and rush over to read it. They all start talking at once, with mixed reactions of surprise or despair. Toot begins dancing around the room excitedly.
Foxxy: Damn, Toot, I didn't think you'd be this excited about playing the witch!
Toot: Of course I'm excited! It's the lead! (She stops dancing, and gets a worried look on her face). Wow, I'm really going to have to learn a *lot* of lines!
Foxxy: Not-uh. Dorothy has the most lines, Toot.
Toot: Not-uh yourself! Dorothy doesn't even APPEAR. See? (She points to the cast list. We see a quick close-up of it:
Wicked Witch of the West: Toot
Scarecrow: Foxxy
Tin Woodsman: Spanky
Cowardly Lion: Hero
The Wizard: Wooldoor
Toto: Ling-Ling
Glinda: TBD
Spanky: Let me see that. (snatches the cast list off the wall) Um, Toot? I hate to burst your bubble, but there's a line here at the bottom that says "Callbacks for Dorothy: Clara and Xandir." So Dorothy DOES appear. You're thinking of "Wicked."
Foxxy: Yeah. Wrong show, Toot!
Toot: Goddammit! Eh well, I better practice my cackling then. (She takes a deep breath) AAH HAHAHAAAAA! (A glass on the counter shatters, along with the window above the sink) Oppsie!
Spanky: Hey, Toot, that was pretty good!
Toot: Want me to do it again?
Spanky: No.
Wooldoor: You know, I was so sure they were going to cast me as the Scarecrow. But I get to play the Wizard! Wheeeeeee!
Foxxy: Yeah, I's the Scarecrow. (sings flatly) "if I only had a brain….(with sudden passion) BABY!" (sighs) Is that Jew Producer trying to tell me somethin or what?
Spanky: Yeah. I know what you mean. I got the Tin Man who doesn't have a heart. Am I really that big of an asshole?
Foxxy: Well….
Wooldoor: Well…
Spanky: Wait. Don't answer that.
Hero: Oh, come on, you guys! I don't think they are trying to tell us anything! Look, I have the part of the Cowardly Lion and everyone knows that's not me! They just need someone with some manly charisma to be able to belt out (sings) "I am the King of the Forreeeest!" (He trills his voice on "forest", and another window shatters)
Foxxy: (putting her hands to her head) Oh, Lordy! It's a good thing we ain't doing this show in the house!
Toot: You know, Hero….I think you're perfect for the Cowardly Lion! Sure, you're brave most of the time, but I've seen you get scared of all kinds of things!
Hero: Hah! Name one!
Toot: Well, Clara's octopussoir
Hero: Oh, please! Everyone was terrified of that thing!
Foxxy: I wasn't.
Hero: Okay fine! *Most* of us were scared, and that's just one!
Toot: Don't forget the 1,000 dead Indians…
Hero: Well…yeah, okay.
Toot: And the paraplegic, homeless bully at the supermarket…
Hero: (sighs) Okay, okay – hey, how did you know he was a paraplegic?
Toot: Oh, Clara told me everything.
Hero: Fine. So we're done then!
Toot: No….there's one thing that I'll bet that scares you more than any of those things combined.
Hero: Tsunamis?
Toot: Commitment!
Hero: (gasps and turns white) You're right! But (calms himself) well, okay, who isn't a little afraid of that? (The others think for a moment, then one by one, they nod in agreement) But, those are just a few things. The Cowardly Lion, unlike me, is afraid of just about everything!
Toot: Sure, Hero….whatever you say.
Hero: That's right! (He folds his arms, but then becomes thoughtful and starts to look a little worried).
Ling-Ling: If Coward Lion were really Brave Lion, Ling-Ling get that part! (sighs) But of course Ling-Ling get dog. Despite what Ling-Ling said in pilot episode…
Flash back to the Hot Tub episode.
Ling-Ling: (in confessional) Ling-Ling no dog! Ling-Ling here to destroy all! And give children seizure!
Cut to the present. Spanky walks over to Ling-Ling.
Spanky: You know, Ling-Ling, if you get bored, there's always plenty to do *behind* the scenes (nudges him playfully) if you know what I mean.
Ling-Ling: (puzzled) Honorable Pig Demon say I go backstage and get freak on with gay Genies?
Spanky: No…
Ling-Ling gives him a puzzled look. Spanky begins whispering in his ear. Ling-Ling smiles.
Cut to another room in the house. Clara and Xandir are sitting in plush chairs outside of a closed door that has a sign on it that says "Jew Director". Clara is curled up in one of the chairs, rubbing her foot and wincing in pain. Her shoes are on the floor.
Clara: I had no idea they were going to ask us to do the famous Judy Garland Yellow Brick Road Skip. I didn't think it would be that hard. All those years of private dance lessons and I go and slip and twist my ankle! But you….you managed to nail it!
Xandir: Hellooooo? I've been practicing that skip for, like, ever!
Clara: Yeah, I think I've seen you *do* the skip.
Xandir: Well, it is a little easier than my spin-jump, actually. (He gets up and begins pacing)
Clara: Do you have to pace?
Xandir: I can't help it! I pace when I'm nervous. Even though we've come this far, once they hear us sing again, I'm just scared that I'm gonna get up there and suck - and not in a good way.
Clara: Please, spare me the sexual innuendos, if you would.
Xandir: Oh, I'm sorry. Heard more than enough earlier from eavesdropping on me when I was in the confessional, did you?
Clara: Are you still mad about that?
Xandir: Oh, gee, about nearly having a heart attack thinking that Fernando knew about the Genie before I had a chance to tell him? Oh, no, Clara, I'm not mad.
Clara: Well, I'm sorry about that, but you've been hogging the confessional all week, when you *should* be telling Fernando the truth! He *is* your boyfriend, right?
Xandir: Well, he is…but…he's away at a fashion show in London…and the Genie is back, and…well, it's complicated.
Clara: (scoffs) I'll say!
Xandir: (scoffs mockingly) You, of all people, wouldn't understand!
Clara: You're right, I wouldn't!
Xandir scowls at her, and then continues to pace.
Clara: Xandir, please, don't pace. Now you're making *me* nervous!
Xandir: Oh, *you'll* do just fine!
Clara: Well…I know I will. But, you know, you do pretty well for yourself whenever we all go out for karaoke.
Xandir: But that's different! It would always take me a few drinks to get up there and sing and think I sound remotely decent! I haven't had the kind of the training you've had, Clara, all those private voice lessons…and from the best teachers, no doubt.
Clara: Well, one: you shouldn't drink *especially* before you're going to sing (Xandir rolls his eyes) and don't give me that look, I've heard it's bad for your sinuses. And two: I've had a lot more practice singing in church. (smiles) But Father said I was a natural.
Clara: (in confessional) And this will be the first time Father will get to see me in a play! Unless you count the "ballet" Foxxy and I did. I don't. Well, okay, he said he loved me, but he'll love me a lot more when he sees me in the show!
Xandir: (stops pacing and sits down) Oh who am I kidding? (whining) I don't even know why I'm bothering. You'll win by a landslide.
Clara: Maybe I won't, or maybe I will!
Xandir: You will. (bitterly) You always seem to get whatever you want. Must be nice.
Clara: Xandir…I don't always get what I want.
Xandir: Oh, sure you do! Some of us had to go through some hard times, living from hand to mouth, but you…you've had the life most people could only dream about, with everything handed to you on a silver platter!
Clara opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by Horatio (from Ghostesses in the Slot Machine). Horatio swoops in and lands on the armrest of Clara's chair, holding a note in his beak.
Xandir: …or handed to you by a prized bird! Oh gee, let me guess, that custom-made necklace you ordered is finally ready!
Clara: (lightly pats Horatio and takes the rolled from his beak) Xandir, it's just a note from my father. Really, what's your problem all of a sudden?
Xandir: You!
Clara holds the note and stares at him. Xandir continues to glare at her, but after a moment he calms down and sits in one of the chairs. Clara looks back down at her note, but doesn't open it.
Xandir: I'm sorry, Clara. I didn't mean that. Here I am, up against you, and you've…always been so lucky…and you have the perfect voice for the part. I want to play Dorothy more than *anything* in the world, and….I just know that you'll get it! (He buries his face in his hands and begins to sob)
Clara: (emphatically) Xandir…
Xandir: (cheerfully, looking up with dry eyes) Hey, look, Clara, if you want to do an act of kindness and let me have the part - I'll be your best friend!
Clara: What! (rolls her eyes) Oh, puh-lease, but we all know that Toot is your best friend! At least she is this week!
Xandir: If you were Jesus, you would let me have the part!
Clara: (thinks for moment, then shakes her head) Don't do that, Xandir.
Xandir: (standing up) And Dorothy IS a gay icon! You wouldn't want to be associated with a gay icon…would you?
Clara: (flatly) Stop it.
Xandir: And you know, I think you should step out anyway, seeing that you hurt your foot. You won't be able to walk, let alone skip-
Clara: Hah! Thanks for all your concerns, Xandir, but I think my foot and my soul will fine. Look, hasn't it occurred to you that I want this part just as badly as you do? I've never had the chance to be in a play before, let alone play the lead, and, more than anything, I want my father to see me –
Xandir: (flatly) He already has
Clara: -do more than just dance! Now, if you think you can just talk me into bowing out just so that you can have your sick, disgusting and, might I add, unfaithful, little fantasy with the Genie-
Xandir: Oh, here we go, another speech! (He shuts his eyes and puts his fingers in his ears and starts yelling childishly) Aaah! Lalalalalala! Not listening!
Clara shakes her head in disgust, shrugs and then opens the note and begins to read it. Suddenly, she shuts her eyes and bows her head in sadness, crumpling the note in her hand. Xandir continues his childish yelling. After a moment, Clara stands up, picks up Horatio, and limps over to Xandir. Horatio, already a little flustered by the noise, begins to flap his wings. Clara holds Horatio right in Xandir's face; Horatio squawks and starts flapping violently. Xandir opens his eyes, shrieks, and falls to the floor in a faint. Horatio then settles down. The "Jew Director" door opens, and the Producer comes out. He and Clara look at Xandir, sprawled on the floor. They look at each other and down at Xandir again. The scene fades out…
Cut to Hero in the confessional
Hero: Even though I am technically the bravest one in the house, being a superhero and all, Toot's last comment was really bugging me! Was there something else out there she knew about that scared me? That I didn't know about? Or remember? Am I missing something?
Toot: (from outside) Don't forget the League of Heros asking to see you at the 3 o'clock bell!
Hero: Oh, haha, nice try, Clara! Run along now, you'll get your turn.
Toot: (from outside) Nice try yourself! How would Clara know about this, she's in the other story!
Hero: Eh, what do I care? This is the main story, anyway!
Toot: (from outside) Are you *sure* about that? Or are you afraid she might upstage you for once and actually get more screen time?
Hero: (opens the door) WHY are you doing this to me? (runs off wailing)
Toot: (steps into the confessional and sits down and looks at the camera) Yeesh! What a baby!
Ling-Ling: (pokes his head in) Yeah! What baby!
Toot: (waves him away) Run along now, Ling-Ling. You may speak when I'm done.
Ling-Ling: Baker woman want you to try on costume and paint.
Toot: Paint? (excited) Ohhh, paint! That's right! (looks at the camera again) Ooh, I get to be in color! (sadly) It's no wonder I was a wallflower at the dance – especially when the walls were white, no one could see me!
Ling-Ling: Bah, fact you are black and white cow have nothing to do with it. Boys at silly dances are really….uh….deep as ocean.
Toot: (angry) Can't a girl finish talking around here?
Ling-Ling: (angry) Baker want you now!
Toot: (bats her eyes) Of course she does! (looks at the camera again) I'm kidding! (worried) Really, I'm kidding! So don't get any ideas that I'm a lesbian either, okay?
Ling-Ling: (starts pulling Toot out of the room) Move! Move, move, mooooooooove! (Toot leaves, and Ling-Ling shuts the door. He hops onto the chair and smiles evilly.) Honorable Pig Demon tell me how to put itching powder in costume.
Cut to Hero's room. Hero is sitting on his bed sulking, scratching his shoulders from time to time. The furry lion costume is draped over a chair. Next to him on the bed is a copy of the script.
There is a knock at the door.
Hero: Not now! I'm…trying to learn my lines!
Foxxy: (entering) Well, Hero, I can help with that. (She holds up her script) I needs to work on my lines, too. Since we in a lot of the same scenes, we can help each other!
Hero: Oh….well, okay.
Foxxy: (sits down on the bed next to him) Hero, I know you're a little upset –
Hero: (indignant) I'm not upset!
Foxxy: Surrrre, you're not! Come on, now. Let's talk about this, okay?
Hero: (sighs) Okay.
Foxxy: Good. Now look, I think you're getting all bent out of shape thinking the producer is typecasting. And maybe he is, a little. But you don't see ME getting all bent out of shape thinking he saying I's stupid, do you?
Cut to Foxxy in the confessional
Foxxy: You think the Foxxy don't know how many times them goddamn white producers edit me to make me look dumb? I could probably count my fingers and have none left over! (begins to count, then stops) But…there ain't no time for that now…
Cut back to Foxxy talking to Hero.
Foxxy: So what if you afraid of a few things. I think all superheroes have to be at some point. Ain't nobody perfect!
Hero: But, Foxxy, when I think about it, I'm finding that I really am afraid of a lot more things than I thought I was!
Foxxy: Like what?
Hero: Well…I'm…afraid to tell you because you'll just laugh at me. See? There's another one!
Foxxy: I won't.
Hero: (uncomfortably) Okay, but…well, we *really* should be learning our lines, you know!
Foxxy: I know. But if there's anything you needs to get off that big ole chest of yours, I'm here to listen.
Hero: Thanks, Foxxy. (He scratches his shoulder and tries to reach for his back) You know what you can really help me with?
Foxxy: What, Hero?
Hero: Can you scratch my back? I tried on the lion suit, and it itches. Now I can't stop scratching.
Foxxy: Sure! Here, turn your back toward me. (Hero does so, and she starts scratching his back) You know, I had the same problem with my costume! Maybe it's because they old and packed in mothballs for too long? (Still scratching Hero's back with one hand, she tries to scratch her own back with her other hand) Here, I've got an idea. (She turns, and presses her back against Hero's and starts moving up and down) Ooh, that's nice!
Hero: Oh….yeah! Keep going!
Cut to Ling-Ling peeking in the doorway. He puts his hands over his mouth and chuckles.
Hero: (moving a bit to increase the friction) Oh, and Foxxy?
Foxxy: Ahh-ummm, yes, Hero?
Hero: Um, well, you know the part where Dorothy slaps me across the face? (Foxxy stops moving) Well, uh, make sure she doesn't hit me too hard, okay?
Foxxy: (looks puzzled for a moment, then shrugs and resumes rubbing her back against Hero's) Well, if Xandir gets the part, you won't have to worry about that! He hits like a girl.
Xandir: (from off-screen, sings) Somewherrrrre, over the rainbowwww!
Foxxy: Speaking of girls.
(TO BE CONTINUED)
(Part 2)
Xandir: (skips into the room, all giddy) Oh my God, you guys! I got the part!
Foxxy: No kidding.
Xandir squeals and does his spin jump.
Hero: Yeah, I suppose you're right, there's nothing to be afraid of!
Foxxy: Exactly!
Xandir stops and looks at them.
Xandir: Uh, what are you guys doing?
Foxxy: Oh, we gots a little itch from them costumes, that's all.
Xandir: Oh my God! You guys got your costumes already? I can't wait to get mine! Of course, they'll have to take in the chest a little. (giggles) Unless I can use some bags of birdseed to fill it out. Yeah, that's what I'll do!
Foxxy: Well, congratulations on winning the role, Xandir! And I sure hope Clara ain't too upset.
Xandir: Not at all, Foxxy! Hell, she practically gave me the part. (singing slightly off key) Some day I'll wish upon a star….And wake up where the clouds are far behiiiinnnnnd meeee
Foxxy: (stops moving against Hero and puts her hands over her ears) I don't get it….did she get a frog in her throat or something?
Xandir: No, it's not like that. We were arguing, as usual, well…like, more than usual because I was all nervous and then we got into this fight. And then she scared the crap out of me with that bird of hers, and the next thing you know, the producer is waking me up and congratulating me!
Foxxy: Are you saying she's disqualified because she done scared you with that bird?
Hero: (nervous) What bird?
Xandir: No, the producer told me that while I was out cold, she just decided to bow out of the show. We didn't even have to sing for the second time! See, I was all pissy and nervous and I admit, I was doing everything I could to get her to bow out because-
Foxxy flashes him an angry look.
Xandir: (shrinking from her look) Well, she, uh, hurt her foot. At first she was being all stubborn… but… then I guess she changed her mind!
Foxxy: Well…she has a heart, but it ain't always *that* big! Maybe her foot's real bad, or she ain't feeling well. I'm gonna go see if she's okay.
Xandir: You do that! (sings) Somewherrrrre over the-
Foxxy: (as she leaves) And smack some sense into her for openin' a can of wailing cats!
She walks right past Ling-Ling, who glances up at her, then looks at Xandir. He winces at the high notes Xandir is trying to hit, shakes his head and leaves.
Cut to the kitchen. Clara is balancing on one foot while fishing around in the freezer for some ice. Spanky walks over to her.
Spanky: Are you sure it's your ankle? From the way you're holding your leg, it could be your knee. (He starts to pull up her dress. Clara smacks him away)
Clara: It's definitely my ankle. (She continues to move things around in the freezer) What the hell happened to all of our ice?
Spanky: We used it all for the Bloody Mary Brunch. Try a bag of frozen peas.
Clara: Oh. Okay. (She pulls out a bag, and shuts the freezer door. She starts to limp over to the table)
Spanky: Here, you can lean on me. (He takes one of her hands and reaches for her waist, but he slips, causing both of them to fall to the floor. Spanky lands face down with Clara sprawled on top of him)
Spanky: Ow. Um, I'm sorry.
Clara: You…are a hindrance.
Spanky: (sighs) Yeah, I know. Um, could you move please?
Clara: Sure! (She gets halfway up; Spanky rolls over to get up, but before he can do so, Clara quickly sits down on his stomach)
Spanky: Hey!
Clara: You know, this is much more comfortable! (She arranges her dress neatly over her legs, then picks up the bag of peas and holds it to her ankle. Spanky struggles and tries to move Clara off of him, but he has one arm pinned underneath him)
Foxxy: (entering) Clara? Why you sitting on top of Spanky?
Clara: Because I can.
Foxxy: Oh, okay. (She motions for Clara to move over a bit, then she sits down next to her on Spanky's chest, closer to his head)
Spanky: Hey!
Foxxy: (to Clara) Not crowding you am I?
Clara: Oh, no, there's plenty of room!
Spanky: (struggling again) There's a lot more room on the couch! Get off me!
Foxxy: (shifts her posterior slightly, and scratches her back) Spanky, when's the last time you had two womens on you?
Spanky: Hmm…good point. (He stops struggling and smiles)
Foxxy: Clara, let me see your foot.
Clara takes the bag away from her ankle, which is rather swollen and now beginning to bruise.
Foxxy: Girl, that don't look so good. Yo! Wooldoor!
Wooldoor enters wearing his Wizard's costume, complete with a tailcoat and spectacles. He too, is scratching. He takes one look at Clara's foot, then dashes away, returning in seconds wearing his doctor's garb. He scratches his neck, opens his black bag, then stops and looks at them for a moment.
Wooldoor: Um, what are you guys doing?
Foxxy: What does it look like?
Wooldoor: Well…that's *one* way for Spanky to get some ass! (He begins to examine Clara's ankle)
Foxxy: Clara, what's this I hear about you dropping out of the show and giving Xandir the part he's wetting his pants over?
Clara looks down sadly and pulls the crumpled note out of her pocket. She smoothes it out and hands it to Foxxy. Foxxy reads it.
Foxxy: (reads quickly) Oh, that sucks.
Clara: You see, the minute we all found out when the performance dates were set for, I sent Father a message. That was weeks ago, and I figured I'd tell him way in advance so he could make it. And here I was, trying out for Dorothy, then I got his note saying that he can't make it...that he'll be an another business trip I *know* he could cancel if he cared enough to…and…well…it just wasn't worth fighting over the part anymore. (sighs) So… I let Xandir take it.
Foxxy: I'm sorry, Clara. But I wish you went for it anyway. He just don't sing as good as you!
Clara: I know. (getting angry) You know, maybe I should have just lied and told Father this was a ballet! Maybe he only likes it if I'm just going to dance!
Foxxy and Spanky look at each other. Spanky opens his mouth to speak, but Foxxy shakes her head at him.
Clara: (not noticing the exchange) And now, I can't even do that…
Wooldoor: (still looking over Clara's foot) Yes, I would advise against trying. I think you might have pulled a few ligaments. Does it hurt when I do this?
Wooldoor applies some pressure to her ankle. Clara bites her lip and nods, and her eyes fill with tears.
Wooldoor: (seeing her face) You know what? I can fix it in no time! (He jumps up and rubs his hands together)
Clara: No! No, Wooldoor! I'll not have you committing a heinous sin just to fix my foot!
Foxxy: Girl, that didn't bother you before when you had the consumption!
Clara: Oh, yeah…that's right! (thinks) Wow…I was an awful hypocrite that week, wasn't I? (everyone looks at her). Maybe God is finally punishing me for it. Maybe… maybe I'm finally being punished for all the terrible things I've done, and… this is just the beginning (She buries her face in her hands)
Wooldoor races off again, and then reappears in seconds in his priests' robes. He puts his hand on Clara's shoulder.
Wooldoor: Why don't we go somewhere else to talk about this? (Clara looks up and nods. He helps her stand up, and lets her lean on him) And after that, we'll get you some crutches.
Clara: Okay.
They leave. Hero walks in with his script and promptly sits down where Clara once sat.
Spanky: Hey!
Hero: Shall we work on our lines now?
Spanky: What the hell is this? Musical chairs?
Xandir: (enters skipping, still giddy) Oh my God! I love musical chairs! I can provide the music while you guys get up and walk around! I need all the practice I can get anyway! (sings) Werrrrrr're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful wizard of oz…
Foxxy and Hero look at each other, then they stand up and walk into the living room. Xandir follows them.
Xandir: Actually we ALL need to practice! Come on, you guys! (sings) We'rrrrre
Spanky: I….can't….move!
Xandir: (turns to look at him) Well, actually…since you are the Tin Man, you're NOT supposed to move! (giggles) Not until I give you a little oil! (He pulls out a little bottle of massage oil)
Spanky: Oh no – you are NOT using that on me!
Xandir: But Spanky, it's lavender oil! (He kneels down next to Spanky, pulls up his shirt, and begins massaging his belly) Now doesn't that feel better?
Spanky: Ugh, it smells like flowers! Stop that! Get off me! (starts laughing) Hey! No! That tickles!
Xandir continues to tickle Spanky; Spanky begins tickling Xandir back. Soon they are rolling on the kitchen floor, rough- housing and tickling. Suddenly they stop, realizing three figures have entered the kitchen and are starring down at them. The camera pans over to reveal Ling-Ling, the Genie, and a green-painted Toot. The Genie is frowning at Xandir, with his hands on his hips. Ling-Ling and Toot are wearing puzzled looks on their faces.
Xandir and Spanky: (together) It's not what you think.
Cut to Wooldoor in the confessional.
Wooldoor: (very serious) So, as usual, in one fall swoop I went from Wizard mode to doctor mode. And then, from (makes quotes with fingers) "jumping at any opportunity to crank one off" mode, to Priest mode. (pauses) even though it's the same thing. (leans toward the camera) Hey…you know what? I AM what goes on behind closed church doors – and that's NOT to be confused with another euphemism for Clara's vagina, but eh, I've been there too, against my will, actually. But that's not important right now. So, Clara and I talked for a while, and we both agreed that she just needed some quiet time alone to think and pray. Given that the confessional has been in high demand this week, and given that Xandir has been practicing for Dorothy non-stop, even WAY before he even GOT the part (cut to a series of flashes of Xandir skipping around and singing in Hero's room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the girls' room, and finally Xandir, Wooldoor and Ling-Ling's room with a disgruntled Wooldoor and Ling-Ling trying to sleep), I suggested she hang her favorite crucifix in a closet that no one uses and spend some quality time with Jesus…and away from Xandir who just seemed to be really rubbing it in everyone's face. So, I was ready to join her in the closet (makes a sexy face, then quickly shakes his head) but that wouldn't be right. (There is a knock at the door) Did I mention that the confessional has been in high demand? (He opens the door. Ling-Ling enters carrying a toolkit.) Okay, okay, it's all yours Ling-Ling! (He leaves.)
Ling-Ling hops up on to the chair with the toolkit. He addresses the camera with a wicked grin.
Ling-Ling: (rubbing his little hands together) Ling-Ling will get sleep tonight!
Cut to Xandir, Wooldoor and Ling-Ling's room the following morning. Xandir, wearing a green mud mask, curlers in his hair and a pink nightgown, is curled up in bed with a pajama-clad Genie next to him. Xandir begins to wake up. Wooldoor and Ling-Ling are already gone.
Xandir sits up and stretches his arms. He looks lovingly at the Genie.
Xandir: (whispering) Good morning…good mor- (he stops and coughs, then tries to sing again but nothing comes out but whispering. The Genie doesn't stir)
Xandir: (whispering) Oh my god. I don't have a voice. Oh my god, oh my god!
Xandir gets up and runs to the bathroom. He grabs a cup, fills it with bath salts, mixes it with water, and begins gargling with it, creating big soap bubbles. He realizes what he has just done and spits the remaining soapy water out of his mouth.
Xandir: (whispering) Oh goddammit!
Toot: (entering, wearing a robe and carrying a can of green paint) Xandir, if you're going to use my bath salts, I'd rather you ask first! I'm almost out!
Xandir: (turns around, whispering) My voice is gone, what am I going to do?
Toot: Well, for starters, stop gargling with my expensive bath salts, ass-munch!
Xandir: (whispering) Toot, I woke up with no voice. What am I going to do?
Toot: Oh, calm down. We'll just have Wooldoor look at it.
Cut to Wooldoor's doctor's office. Xandir is sitting on the table while Wooldoor holds a depressor on his tongue and shines a small light down his throat. He looks for a bit, then he takes the depressor and the light away.
Wooldoor: Well, Xandir, I wish I could tell you I could fix it in time…but…there's nothing there to fix.
Xandir: (whispering) What do you mean?
Wooldoor: I mean…your voice box. It's….gone.
Xandir: (whispering) How can it be gone?
Wooldoor: Well, I know your gag reflex is gone, but…
The Genie enters looking worried. He goes to Xandir and takes his hand.
Wooldoor: Oh… um, yeah…you boys need to be a lot more careful.
Genie: Whatchoo talkin' about, Wooldoor?
Xandir buries his face in his hands and begins to cry silently. The Genie puts his arms around him and comforts him.
Cut to the theatre. Most of the housemates are assembled wearing their costumes, some of them scratching once in awhile, but not complaining. Ling-Ling stands off to the side wearing a smirk. Wooldoor and the Genie are on the stage, each of them wearing a blue Dorothy dress, red slippers and carrying a basket. Xandir sits off to the side sulking and glaring at the Genie. The producer addresses them.
Producer: Well, nice try…but you guys suck. So far only Xandir can do the skip.
Xandir sticks his tongue out at Wooldoor and the Genie.
Producer: Unless…where's Clara?
Wooldoor: She can't skip either! She won't even let me fix her foot! Please, let me try again! Really, I can do both parts!
Genie: So I can I!
Producer: You're already playing Glinda.
Genie: (making a donkey face) Uh-duuuuh! I can do both. If he gets another shot, I want one too!
Hero: (appearing out of nowhere, wearing a Dorothy dress and slippers) Me too! (whining) I don't *want* to be the Cowardly Lion! And I don't want my parents to see me like that!
Toot: And….you're okay with them seeing you like *this*?
Hero: (looks at Toot, then back at the Producer) I don't *want* to be the Cowardly Lion!
Producer: Captain Hero, you were my first choice for the lion. And your parents will be proud! Now you go learn your lines like I told you to, and start being such a fraidy cat!
Hero: (bummed out) Awwwww! (He skulks off the stage, and starts muttering sulkily) I'll just tell them *not* to come then…I'll tell them I'm sick…that's what I'll do!
Producer: Now, here's my idea. Xandir, you know how to lip-synch, right?
Xandir nods eagerly.
Producer: Good. Then all we need is Clara's voice. We'll put her backstage with a microphone and have her speak and sing all of Dorothy's lines. Now…where is she? We need to rehearse!
Everyone looks around the room.
Wooldoor: I think I know where she is….
Cut to a hallway in another part of the house. Wooldoor, Foxxy and Hero stand outside of a closet. Wooldoor motions for the others to be quiet, then he knocks on the door. After a moment, a disheveled and sleepy Clara opens the door. We see that the closet has a few pillows on the floor, some lit candles on the shelf and the Jesus doll (from Lost in Parking Space) hanging on the wall.
Wooldoor: Clara...have you been in there all night?
Clara blinks at them, then after a moment, shrugs her shoulders.
Wooldoor: Well come on, now. We need you.
Clara: (getting upset) No you don't (She starts to close the door, but Wooldoor blocks it with his foot)
Wooldoor: Look, we need your voice. Xandir lost his voice, but he can still dance and lip-synch, and you can do all the lines. Come on, we need your help!
Clara: I don't want to be in the show! And you know why, Wooldoor!
Wooldoor: I know. But I also know that (gestures to the Jesus doll) He would approve of your help. Please, come down to the theatre. The producer will explain everything.
Clara: (sighs) Okay. (She picks up her crutches, arranges herself in them and makes her way out of the closet and down the hall)
Foxxy: (to the others) Damn, I can't remember the last time I saw her *this* upset. We needs to do something, to snap her out of it!
Hero: Why was she in there all night?
Wooldoor: I thought it would be comforting for her to get away and have some quality time to pray, undisturbed. I just didn't think she would be up so late praying that she would fall asleep in there!
Foxxy: Well, it ain't no big deal. I was always fallin asleep in church!
Hero: (thoughtfully) Comforting, huh? (He looks at the closet)
Foxxy: Hero….is you thinking what I think you thinking?
Hero: No! Not at all!
Foxxy: Okay.
Cut to the theatre. We see a montage of the housemates rehearsing for the show. Xandir is now in the Dorothy dress, lip synching to Clara's voice, from off-screen, singing Over the Rainbow. We see some random children performing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" . We see Ling-Ling angrily running on all fours, as the camera pans back to show Xandir, Spanky, Foxxy and Hero in full costume performing "The Yellow Brick Road", with Hero trying to use his tail to hide the script he keeps glancing at. We see Xandir throw a bucket of water at Toot and Toot screeching "I'm melting!" We see Wooldoor approaching the group with a big black bag. And finally we see the Genie waving a wand over Xandir's head, and we hear Clara's voice say "There's no place like home…"
Then we see everyone lined up on stage practicing their curtain call, as the producer, Mrs. Baker, the lady in pink, and about twenty small Genies applaud.
Foxxy: Hold up! (everyone stops applauding) We need to get Clara out here to do the curtain call.
Clara (poking her head out from behind the curtains) It's okay, it's not like anyone sees me.
Producer: No…no, we'll have your name in the playbook as the voice of Dorothy and have you come out and bow with everyone else. Come on now.
Clara slowly makes her way out onto the stage with her crutches.
Spanky: Yeesh. No offense, Clara, but that's going to take forever. We need to get you a wheelchair.
Toot: Awwww. Just like Clara in Heidi!
Clara: Very funny.
Producer: So, housemates, we are getting there, we just have a few things to fix. Hero, you have got to learn your lines!
Hero: I know…
Producer: Now! That's all I have to say to you. Go learn them now. We are running out of time!
Hero skulks away.
Producer: Foxxy, please remember this is the Wizard of Oz. Not the Wiz.
Foxxy: Oh, I can't help it! (singing) "Ease on down, ease on down" (normal voice) Don't ya'll think that's a lot more catchy?
Producer: Yes, but not for this particular production.
Toot: Yeah. Wrong show, Foxxy!
Foxxy: Goddammit.
Producer: Okay, get comfortable, everyone. I have a long list of things that need fixing…
Clara: (raises her hand) Um, could you start with me? My foot really hurts and I need to lie down.
Producer: (looks at Clara for a moment, then back at his list) You're fine, princess. Go rest up.
Clara: Thank you.
She leaves. Xandir glances back at the Producer who begins to read from his list, then quietly follows Clara out, unnoticed. He comes up behind her.
Xandir: (whispering) Clara?
Clara stops and turns to look at him.
Xandir: Look, I never had a chance to thank you for…letting me take the part. And now I can't thank you enough for providing the voice. You…sound wonderful.
Clara: Don't mention it.
Xandir: I heard you won't even let even let Wooldoor fix your foot. You could have taken the part back…if you wanted to.
Clara: I don't want to. And it wouldn't right. God made me fall for a reason. I've been overconfident…not to mention a mean bitch at times.
Xandir: You haven't been that bad.
Clara: Thanks (sighs) Well, I guess you were meant to play Dorothy, Xandir. (She adjusts her crutches in a more comfortable position)
Xandir: Really, you ought to get a wheelchair.
Clara: (bitterly) Oh, sure, and I could get the nicest, fanciest one, right? Well, that would require speaking to my father. And since he's not making ANY effort to come to the show, I don't feel like speaking to him right now!
Xandir: Clara….is…this why you bowed out?
Clara: (almost in tears) What do you think?
She quickly turns and leaves, with Xandir looking after her. She heads down the hall to the confessional and tries the door, but it's locked. She raises her hand to knock, then stops when she hears Toot's voice.
Cut to Toot in the confessional.
Toot: …So the producer said I'm doing a great job, and you know, I'm really having a lot of fun! But…I'll be glad when it's over. (scratches her sides) I'm either allergic to this green paint or this costume…
Cut to Clara outside of the confessional. She sighs, then heads toward the stairs, struggling a bit with her crutches.
Cut to a hallway upstairs. Clara makes her way down the hall to the closet, looking a little tired from the climb up the stairs. She opens the door of the closet and gasps – and we see Hero in there, kneeling on the pillows with his head bowed in prayer. His script is in his lap.
Clara: (shocked) Since…since when do YOU pray?
Hero: (looks up) Since now! I need some comforting time alone too! (He pulls the door shut)
Clara: Hero, I know it's going to be ridiculous for me to tell you to come out of the closet when…you're already out no matter what you say - depending on what week it is, but…please come out now! That's MY closet!
Hero: (from inside) Since when is it YOUR closet? Last I checked we shared everything in this house.
Clara: Since…(pleadingly) please Hero! Please come out!
Hero: (from inside) Clara, you should be HAPPY I'm in here! You said I had a long, long list of sins to atone for. And I thought you were all for Jews for Jesus! So you see? Your money really IS going somewhere!
Clara: Look, I appreciate that, but…can't you go about this some other way? I really need to get back in there!
Hero: (from inside) No! (starts crying) Just…leave me in peace…
Clara: (empathetically) Hero…
Hero: (from inside, quickly composing himself) I could just…(in a sexy voice) let you in here with me….
Clara: (looking up) This is another punishment, isn't it?
She angrily makes her way down the hall to the girls room, as fast as she can go, almost bumping into Foxxy.
Foxxy: Clara! What's wrong?
Clara: Hero's using my closet! Well, okay, it's not mine, but he's in there, and he's crying, and he's got MY talking Jesus! Please, Foxxy! Please get him out of there! Before he…he…
Foxxy: I will, Clara. I will. I think I know why he is in there, and no, he ain't doing anything dirty. For once. Please…just go lie down and elevate that foot. You ain't helping it any. (she leaves)
Clara goes into the girls' room, sits down on her bed and tosses the crutches aside. Horatio, sitting on his perch, watches her. She unwraps the ace bandage from her foot and looks at it. It's still swollen, but now black and blue.
Clara: Doesn't look pretty, does it, Horatio?
Horatio shakes his head. Clara sighs and grabs a small throw pillow. She curls up on her side, and puts the pillow between her feet so that the injured foot is now slightly elevated. She lays there motionless for a moment, then breaks down crying, burying her face in her hands.
There is a tap at the door, but Clara doesn't hear it. The door opens to show Xandir standing there holding a tray with tea and crumpets. He looks over at Clara for a moment. Then he looks at Horatio.
Xandir: (to Horatio) Psssst!
Horatio gives him an annoyed look. Xandir holds up a crumpet and waves it at him. Horatio perks up and flies over to Xandir, landing on his shoulder. With Horatio happily eating the crumpet, they leave, with Xandir closing the door behind him.
TO BE CONTINUED
(Part 3)
Foxxy is standing outside of the closet.
Foxxy: Hero? I know you in there!
Hero opens the door. Foxxy takes in the sight of Hero and shakes her head.
Foxxy: You know, it did cross my mind that maybe you was just messing with the princess, and I was gonna rat you out because she upset and all. But…you still real bothered by this whole fear issue, ain't you?
Hero nods. Foxxy sighs and goes into the closet, pulling the door shut.
Cut to the interior of the closet. There are a few candles lit, giving off a nice glow. Foxxy kneels on the pillows next to Hero, and looks up at the Jesus doll. They are both quiet for a moment. Foxxy bows her head in a silent prayer. Hero does the same. After a moment, Foxxy puts her hand over Hero's.
Foxxy: You know…I can see why Clara likes it in here. This is nice.
Hero nods in agreement.
Foxxy: Now, do you wanna talk about it? Or is this just between you and Him?
Hero: Oh…I guess I can tell you Foxxy. I…keep thinking back to all the heroic things I've done. And….all the not-so heroic things. Most of the time, I didn't even think about what I was doing….
Foxxy: Uh…usually, you don't, Hero.
Hero: Right! But there were times I was just too scared to think or even move! Now, whoever heard of a brave superhero being scared stiff? But it's happened!
Foxxy: Like when?
Hero: Well…when we were trying to rescue Toot from the nursing home, and we were all stuck on top of the van. I didn't think to just grab everyone right there and then and take off for home. And I didn't think to take out those mean old people who were trying to force us into that deadly swamp they had for a pool. It wasn't like I *couldn't* do it.
Foxxy: Well….it was just as well. Maybe they was meant to die laughing instead of you killing them off. But what's important Hero…is that you got us all out of there before we all sunk in that pool!
Hero: I guess so. But…I can't believe I was scared enough to just…freeze.
Foxxy: It ain't like you always freeze up.
Hero: No, but…I'm not supposed to be afraid of anything!
Foxxy: Hero, some of the world's greatest warriors have been scared stiff coming face to face with danger, and then it's either fight or flight. And I've seen you do both. Feeling the fear…well, it's only human.
Hero: But…I'm not human, Foxxy.
Foxxy: (smiling) You more human than you think. Let me tell you something I heard once…or maybe read in a book somewhere…
Foxxy: (in confessional) That's right, ya'll! I can read!
Foxxy: "that bravery is impossible without fear." I don't know WHO done said all that …but it makes sense, don't it? You have fears, and then…you overcome them. Just like the Cowardly Lion does in the very end!
Foxxy: (in confessional) Ooh, and how about that for a little symbolism?
Hero: (sighs) Maybe I'm getting too carried away…
Foxxy: You wouldn't be Hero if you didn't! Most of the time you ain't scared of anything.
Hero: Well, I still have my lines to worry about! What if I can't remember them?
Foxxy: Well…I've gots an idea for that. Since we in the same scenes together – you could use your X-ray vision to read all the lines you need to remember, because I'll have them written all over my body! No one will know, because I'm reeal covered up!
Hero: Foxxy, that's a great idea! But…I…don't want to give you another brain tumor.
Foxxy: Oh, don't worry about that. We'll just have Wooldoor fix it with one of them clum babies.
Foxxy: (in confessional) Now why didn't they think of that before? Oh yeah, we filmed that episode for Season One. Never mind.
Hero: Okay! But…we would need a Sharpie, to make sure that ink stays on. I don't know about you, but I sweat like crazy under those lights, and it just makes me scratch more.
Foxxy: (whips out a sharpie) I've gots one right here, Hero! Here…(she takes her top off) we can start on my back…you know, I think that ink will help with that stupid itching.
Cut to the hall outside the closet. We see Clara approaching on her crutches, with her foot wrapped up again.
Foxxy: (from inside the closet) Oooh, that feel goooood!
Hero: (from inside the closet) Now hold still…
Clara shrieks in sudden rage and drops her crutches, her hands forming claws. Balancing on one foot, she wrenches the door open, revealing Hero writing on Foxxy's bare back with the Sharpie. Foxxy has her arms folded, covering her breasts.
Clara: How DARE you? In the presence of the Lord?
Hero: Clara! It's not what you think!
Clara: You go find your own closet right now! On second thought (she reaches in and grabs her Jesus doll) I'll find another one, since this one's been tainted!
Foxxy: I wasn't doing anything with my taint! And I thought I told you to go rest!
Clara: I've rested enough! Now, you two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! I should have known that-
Foxxy: (to Hero, as Clara continues to rant) Well, this was one way to snap her out of her funk.
Hero: (looking fearfully at Clara) You're right about that!
Foxxy: You scared, Hero?
Hero: (thinks) Nah, I could still kick her ass.
Foxxy: I could too.
Clara: AND STOP CONVERSING DURING MY LECTURE!
Hero and Foxxy shut up and look at her.
Clara: (calmly) Thank you. Now, I don't care what you two do in this house. Well, actually I do, but there's nothing I can do about it. But if I build a little sanctuary for myself in times of need, I expect you to either respect it or leave it alone! There are plenty of closets in this house if that's what you're into!
Hero: Really?
Foxxy: Clara, look, Hero was just writing on my back! That's all! (she turns to show her) We ain't a couple of nymphos trying to take over your closet!
Hero: We aren't? (Foxxy nudges him to shut up)
Clara: (reading Foxxy's back) Why…it's lines from the script…
Foxxy: Right. I just helping Hero a little with his lines.
Clara: But…how will this help?
Cut to opening night. The theatre is filled and the orchestra is warming up. We see Foxxy, Hero, Spanky and Xandir backstage, adjusting their costumes, getting ready. Foxxy and Hero try to resist the urge to scratch, while Spanky watches them in amusement. Hero glances at Foxxy's back from time to time. We see a close-up of Foxxy's back completely covered, then we see a shot of her back as it looks to Hero's X-ray vision, with parts of the script carefully written out.
Clara, sitting off to the side with a script in her lap and her foot elevated on another chair, looks on.
Clara: Well, I just hope he doesn't give her a brain tumor again!
Mrs. Baker comes out to signal that the curtain is about to go up. Everyone takes their places; the music swells and the curtain goes up. Then we see a fast-forward montage of the show, all the way to where Dorothy wakes up in Munchkinland.
Cut to backstage.
Mrs. Baker: Take your places for Munchkinland!
We see Hero and Foxxy holding back Wooldoor who is angrily struggling. Various Sweetcakes appear and line up, preparing to go onstage. Wooldoor continues to struggle.
Hero: (in a half-whisper) Come on, Wooldoor, let this go, okay? We had to get them at the last minute.
Foxxy: (in a half-whisper) Yeah! It ain't our fault Hans the six-armed-circus-freak made off with all them neighborhood kids we hired!
Wooldoor: (at full volume) It's YOUR fault Foxxy! For not keeping an eye on him!
Foxxy: (in a half-whisper) Shhhhh! Like I've gots time to watch his every move!
They continue to struggle. Finally Hero, sitting down on the floor, manages to wrap his arms and legs around Wooldoor and puts his hand over his mouth. Wooldoor suddenly calms down and gets a dreamy look on his face. From backstage, we hear the Genie and the Sweetcakes begin the Munchkinland song.
Cut to Clara following along with the script. Suddenly Ling-Ling hops onto the other chair Clara has her foot resting on.
Ling-Ling: (quietly) Does bad foot hurt princess?
Clara: (half-whisper) A little.
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling have confession to make.
Clara: What is it?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling responsible for… Xandir's missing voice.
Clara stares at him.
Mrs. Baker: (taps Clara's shoulder) You're on.
Clara: Huh? Oh (She takes up the microphone)
Cut to onstage, where we see Xandir lip synch to Clara's voice:
It really was no miracle
What happened was just this:
The wind began to switch
the house to pitch…
Cut to backstage. Foxxy walks past them, scratching furiously.
Foxxy: Ugh! I can't wait to get out of this thing!
Clara finishes her part of the song and then puts the mike back in its holder. Faintly we hear the Sweetcakes take up the rest of the song, "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead."
She looks at Ling-Ling, who is looking at Foxxy worriedly.
Clara: Now, what were you saying, Ling-Ling?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling responsible! And…(he looks at Foxxy, who is now looking back at him. Ling-Ling takes a few steps away from her)
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling also responsible for…itching powder in costume.
Foxxy: What! (Visibly furious, she curls her hands into fists)
Mrs. Baker: Shhhh!
Ling-Ling covers his face and begins to cry. Foxxy glares at him, but after a moment she softens and relaxes her hands.
Foxxy: (sighing with exasperation) Ling-Ling…you is a naughty, naughty battle monster.
Ling-Ling: (crying) Ling-Ling so sorry, Chocolate Animal Woman and former best friend!
Foxxy picks him and holds him.
Foxxy: Ling-Ling…I don't know what the others will say, but I…forgive you. And you know what? I think Hero will too! Hell….we may even thank you later!
Ling-Ling buries his head in Foxxy's chest and continues to weep.
Foxxy: Damn, Ling-Ling, don't take it so hard, it ain't that big a deal when you done a million kills! Why you this upset?
Ling-Ling: (stops crying) Ling-Ling like attention and screen time, dammit. (goes back to sobbing against her chest)
Clara glances at her script, then stands up. Gathering up her crutches, she moves closer to them, and puts her hand on Ling-Ling's back.
Clara: Ling-Ling…I think I know how you feel. And what you did was wrong, but please stop crying. You're going to make *me* cry. (Ling-Ling composes himself)
Foxxy lets Clara lean on her and they both cuddle Ling-Ling, who wipes his eyes.
Clara: There, that's better (looks at the camera) Don't even think about it – this is all about Ling-Ling here!
They continue to hold Ling-Ling, and we hear the Sweetcakes continue their song. Suddenly the song changes from Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead, to It's a Hard Knock Life from "Annie".
Mrs. Baker: Oh my God.
Producer (from off-screen) What the hell? Drop the curtain!
Cut to the stage where we see the Sweetcakes now singing and dancing to It's a Hard Knock Life. Xandir and the Genie are frozen in fear. The curtain drops.
Cut to backstage. Wooldoor starts struggling again and manages to get Hero's hand off his mouth.
Wooldoor: I told you they were trouble!
Foxxy: Ling-Ling, you gots to do something!
Ling-Ling: Chocolate Animal Woman not tell?
Foxxy: No!
Clara: I won't tell either, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling rises up, creating a giant energy ball. Everyone moves out of the way as he hurls it at the Sweetcakes, freezing them all, and shutting them up. Wooldoor and 10 small Genies tackle them and move them further backstage.
Wooldoor: (to one of the Genies) What are we going to do for munchkins?
Genie: *We'll* play them! I can only spare 10, but that's better than nothing! Come on, get their costumes off and put them on!
They move behind another partial set-wall and soon we see clothes go flying. Everyone backstage looks on in surprise. Ling-Ling runs closer to the set, looks to his left, and whistles. Suddenly Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Stan from South Park appear.
Ling-Ling: Can you sing song?
Cartman: Sure!
Ling-Ling: The *right* song?
Kyle: Yeah! Come on, let's go.
They all run behind the set and more clothes go flying. After a minute, the Genies, Wooldoor, Ling-Ling, and the South Park boys reappear wearing the munchkin costumes. They all run up to the curtain.
Wooldoor: We'll take it from here!
Mrs. Baker: Thank God! Hey, (pointing to the South Park boys) What are *they* doing here?
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling got them backstage pass.
Mrs. Baker: Excuse me?
Ling-Ling: Does it matter now?
Mrs. Baker: (shrugs) I guess not. (She motions for the stage hands to raise the curtain)
The curtain rises. The orchestra starts up the music again, and there is a thunderous applause as Wooldoor, Ling-Ling and the others finish up the song, and move on to Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Cut to intermission. The curtain is down, some the Genies are preparing the next set for the second act. The Sweetcakes, now partially recovered, are being dressed and sent packing by some of the other Genies. Toot and Wooldoor take turns scratching each other's backs while Hero and Foxxy disappear into a dressing room. Ling-Ling is thanking the South Park boys. Xandir affectionately praises one of the Genies for saving the show. Clara stays in her chair and watches all the action. After a minute, Xandir skips over to her. He is giddy.
Xandir: (whispering) I have a surprise for you! I just wanted to be sure it was here, and it is! Come on!
He motions for her to follow him. Together they go up to heavy velvet curtain. He parts the curtain ever so slightly.
Xandir: Look. Right there.
Clara looks where he is pointing and gasps.
Cut to the view of the audience. Further to the back, sits the King. Clara's stepmother sits next to him, and they are flanked by bodyguards.
Xandir: I borrowed your bird to write your father. It wasn't a very nice letter, but I wanted to do what I could to get him here.
Clara: Oh, Xandir! (She throws her arms around him)
Xandir: (looks directly at the camera) Whoa, this is kinda weird.
Clara: I can't believe you did this! (She lets him go, and peeks out at her father again) What on earth did you say to him?
Xandir: Well, that you were upset. And you hurt your foot. And you locked yourself in a closet.
Clara: (turns to look at him) Xandir…
Xandir: And that you weren't eating or sleeping…
Clara: Hey, that's not true!
Xandir: Well, I wanted to ham it up a little. He's here, isn't he? Maybe he can't see you, but he can hear you.
Hero and Foxxy come up to the curtain.
Hero: What's going on, guys?
Xandir: My plan worked! Clara's father came to the show after all!
Foxxy: (peeking through the curtains) Oh, that's nice! Yep, there he is! Xandir, I guess it would be too much of long shot to get *my* Daddy here, and – oooh, I see Hero's parents in the front row!
Hero: What? (pushes Foxxy aside to peek through the curtains) Oh my God! I *told* them not to come! (almost in tears) How *could* they! (He looks down at himself in the lion suit) How could I let them see me like this?
Foxxy: Aw, Hero, what does it matter? You look cute!
Hero: What am I going to do? I can't go back out there!
Foxxy: (threateningly) You can, and you will! If I have to kick yo ass every step of the way!
Hero: (drawing himself up to his full height) I'd like to see you try it!
Foxxy: And no more scratch and sex! (Hero gasps)
Clara & Xandir: Scratch and sex?
Xandir: (interested) Hmmm.
Clara: (covers her ears) Ewww.
Hero: Okay, okay.
Foxxy: And don't be looking at them either! You just look at me! Especially if you forget a line.
Clara: (taking her hands from her ears) Foxxy, did you guys write the entire script on your body?
Foxxy: (smugly) Well, what's the point of having curves if you don't use 'em?
Mrs. Baker: Places everyone!
Clara: (quickly, to Xandir) Hey, thanks.
Xandir: (smiling) We make a good team, don't we? And who would've thunk?
Clara squeezes his hand before going back to her place by the microphone. Xandir, Foxxy, Hero and Spanky get ready to go back out.
We see a montage of the rest of the performance. Hero, Foxxy, Toot and Wooldoor are now looking strained as they continue to resist the urge to scratch. At one point, Hero freezes and looks right at his parents. Foxxy smacks the back of his head and turns her back to him. Hero recovers and quickly reads her back via X-ray vision, clutching at his tail all the while. At little later on, he freezes again; Foxxy smacks him again and stands in front of him.
Cut to Hero's parents. His mother is weepy, his father indifferent.
Hero's Father: (flatly) Why is that scarecrow hitting and upstaging our son?
Cut to the after party. We see Hero, still in the lion suit, rush toward his parents. His mother has tears in her eyes, and she holds out her arms. Hero takes a flying leap at them, his father quickly steps out of the way, and Hero ends up tackling his mother. They tumble to the floor, laughing and crying, poking at each other's faces and Hero stuffs his hand in her mouth.
We see Xandir and the Genie share a passionate kiss. In walks an angry Fernando carrying a bouquet of roses. He pulls the Genie off of Xandir and starts shouting at the two of them in Spanish. Xandir cowers, but the Genie starts shouting back in Spanish. They continue to yell and it escalates to slapping and shoving. Xandir tries to break up the fight, but he is pushed aside. Finally, he shrugs and walks over to Foxxy, who watches as Clara and her father share a long hug.
Foxxy: (to Xandir) Now…what did you really say to her Daddy?
Xandir: (whispering) I told you what I said.
Foxxy: And…?
Xandir: Well, okay, I also said if he didn't show up, he could go fuck himself and the carriage he rode in with, and that he would never EVER see me in a ballet ever again.
Foxxy: Oh…well, I guess I would have written the same thing.
Xandir: Hey, where are the others?
Foxxy: I think they still in the dressing room.
Cut to the dressing room. Wooldoor and Spanky are getting undressed. Toot is completely naked and slathering cold cream all over her green body.
Toot: Ahhhhh….
Wooldoor: Hey, gimmie, gimmie!
Toot: Nothing doing, you have plenty of that calamine lotion in your doctor's bag!
Wooldoor: But cold cream feels better! Give it here!
Toot: Okay! (She reaches into the jar and hurls a blob of cold cream right at Wooldoor. He begins slathering himself.)
Spanky: Hey, I found another jar!
Wooldoor: Hey, give it here! I didn't see you scratch once, Spanky!
Spanky: Oh uh…I've been fighting the urge. So, uh, this jar's mine! Okay?
Toot and Wooldoor leap on top of Spanky. Pretty soon the three of them are covered in the cold cream they are gleefully smearing all over each other, moaning passionately all the while.
Cut back to the after party. We see Ling-Ling talking with the South Park boys. Clara approaches them, looking at them nervously.
Clara: Um…Ling-Ling? May I speak with you alone for a second?
Cartman: (looks her up and down) Hubba hubba….
Clara stares at Cartman for a moment. Then she turns her face away, blushing and giggling.
Cartman: Hey, I heard a lot about you. You're the really twisted, hot chick who hates Jews!
Ling-Ling smacks Cartman. Clara continues to giggle like a school-girl.
Cartman: (ignoring Ling-Ling) Yeah, I know you. You're like me! Wanna meet for punch and pie?
Ling-Ling: (tugging at Clara's dress) Come on!
Clara: Just a sec. (to Cartman) Um…that sounds nice…
Ling-Ling: Princess get pie after word with Ling-Ling!
Clara: (stops giggling) Yes, of course. Sorry, Ling-Ling.
They move off and find a corner. Clara sits down, puts the crutches aside, and places Ling-Ling on her lap.
Clara: Ling-Ling, I should start by saying that you must give Xandir his voice back, but… how did you steal it?
Ling-Ling (gesturing to the boys) Ling-Ling have little help from friends.
Clara: But how?
Cut to Xandir, Wooldoor and Ling-Ling's room. Xandir is fast asleep in the Genie's arms. Ling-Ling, Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Butters and Timmy quietly enter the room. Two of the boys place cloths over Xandir and Genie's mouths to keep them from waking up. Ling-Ling pulls out the toolbox.
Timmy: TIMMY!
Everyone: Shhhh!
Timmy: (quietly) Timmy!
Cut back to Clara and Ling-Ling.
Ling-Ling: How else Ling-Ling get sleep at night?
Clara: Well, you shouldn't have done that. But…you know, I'm glad you did. (she hugs him) My father's here, and he got to at least *hear* me play a lead role. But Ling-Ling, this wouldn't have happened without Xandir's doing. You must give him his voice back.
Ling-Ling: Nah, Ling-Ling would rather hear princess sing. And sleep through night.
Clara: Oh, come on, Ling-Ling. At least for the next performance!
Ling-Ling: (folding his arms) Not-uh. Ling-Ling give it back when Ling-Ling feel like it!
Cut to a Karaoke bar. All the housemates are assembled in chairs and tables near the stage and the karaoke machine. Ling-Ling makes his way up to the mike, carrying a margarita drink in both hands. He quickly sucks down the margarita and tosses the empty glass aside; from off-screen we hear a crash and a cat screeching. Ling-Ling clears his throat and takes the mike. The music starts.
Ling-Ling: (with Xandir's voice, slurring) "You be sweeeeell! You be grreeeat! Gonna have whole world on plate!"
Cut to Xandir's face, which changes from shock to anger.
Xandir: (whispering) Why, that little- (he starts to get up)
Spanky stops him by sitting on his lap, and Foxxy holds him by the shoulders.
Spanky: Down boy! He's up for the prize! And he's splitting it with us when he wins.
Ling-Ling: "…everrrrything coming up rooooses!"
The End.
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