Ello Loves. Got this idea this morning after getting out of the shower, but the damn system made me go to school. So I had to wait until tonight to type it all out. So, here it is. First chapter is really angsty and sad, but it get lighter, I promise! I highly advise listening to "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne whilste reading this. Because, that is partially the motive behind this chapter. Ummm, okay, sorry that I ramble so much, but it's fun!

Disclaimer: Among the highest of devestations in my life, this must be the worste, I do not own Loveless...poo

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Ritsuka's thoughts

Soubi's eyes "talking"

Even though blood was pouring from the fresh wound on his cheek, Ritsuka couldn't feel a thing on the surface. All he felt was the sickeningly sharp constricting pain that engulfed his mind, and his heart. Two days. Only two days had passed since he had lost everything, his everything, the only thing in the world. The tall, skinny blond was his everything, was the only thing in the world, his world. Now he was homeless in the sense that he had no world now. No arms to encircle him, no perverse teasing, no large warm hand to warm his cold small one, no soft lips to kiss, no Soubi, no nothing. If he could had gone back in time he would had willingly allowed Soubi to take his ears. Maybe then, he bargained, maybe then this could had been avoided. Maybe our bond would had been stronger. Maybe then...

Maybe he wouldn't have had to die.

Ritsuka opened the door to his deceased loves apartment. As dead as Ritsuka knew Soubi was, as empty as he knew the apartment would be, he couldn't help the morbid need to be there. It was like a secret hide away, a shelter from the wreckage of his pitiful life. A safe haven from his abusive mother. Though as Ritsuka walked into the corpse cold apartment, the tears that he thought he had run out of began springing into his eyes. The white noise of his roughly pounding heart was humming loudly in his ears like the soundtrack to this miserable scene.

Ritsuka, cold and in pain, went to Soubi's bathroom to clean off the blood and bandage his cut cheek. As he used a wash cloth he had wet with warm water to clean his wound, he recalled all the times he and Soubi had stood in that bathroom cleaning and bandaging the injuries Ritsuka would sustain from his abusive mother. Soubi's warm poetic fingers would always tenderly bandage whatever skin had been bruised and broken. His powerful azure eyes looking him over with the mixed emotions that he felt inside leaking through the stares. The sympathy, the confusion, the anger, the discernment, but mainly the love; all held in the man's powerful eyes. Ritsuka always thought Soubi was more powerful with his eyes than his words.

So, it was no wonder really that Ritsuka's last memory of the man included those powerful eyes. The eyes that bore into his own, telling a story only Ritsuka knew how to read. Ritsuka's small shaking hands gripping onto the mans shoulders as if he could keep him alive if he could only squeeze tight enough. But the soft sorrowful eyes told him that it was useless. The words Ritsuka had always been too scared to say spilling out as if it were his only hope. Even though at that point hope had turned as cold as Soubi's ever warm hands had. Soubi's fair skin losing every quality of life, becoming bleach white. A sharp comparison to the blood oozing from his chest that had been staining both he and Ritsuka's cloths. His breaths coming in short gasps, eyes still staring quietly into Ritsuka's. The younger boy brushing his shaking hands on the cold pasty face, wanting to make Soubi's last memories pleasant. He let his trembling lips softly kiss Soubi's frozen ones. Ritsuka's eyes regrettably closed as Soubi watched the young boy kiss him in those last blazing moments before everything went black.

Ritsuka stared down at the blood that was now gone from his face and staining the white wash cloth. It made him think of those images, Soubi, it made him think of the way Soubi looked at his dying stage. The wash cloth fell to the ground from Ritsuka's now shaking hands to the floor with a wet smack. His tear filled violet eyes begging the mirror in front of him to conjure up the image of the one missing from him. To at least be able to see that unguarded smile that he only was allowed to see. To see the azure eyes telling him what to do, where to go. The eyes reassuring him that he was loved. Though, Rituska knew that in the present world of the living, he was not loved. He was only loved from a world beyond the one he was trapped in.

Trembling hands ripped open every cabinet in the kitchen, searching for the cure. Soft cold fingers wrapping around the neck of the smooth tall glass bottle containing the clear liquid that would play second to his scheme. With the vodka in his hands, Ritsuka marched over to the bed that Soubi had once slept on. Sheets still unmade from the last time the lithe body had laid in it. Beside the bed, Ritsuka had set the alcohol onto the top of the little wooden night stand. His hands gently pulled open the top drawer. The single pill bottle lying in the midst of stacks of pictures that contained he and Soubi from over the past three years. His blurred vision helped him avoid staring at the pictures that would surely send him even more over the edge than he already was. His fingers pressed to both sides of the little bottle as the contents inside it tinkled at the movement of the bottle being lifted.

Without any hesitation or thought, he popped the top to the popular brand of sleeping pills. The bottle nearly full, he tipped it until as much of the contents as he could swallow had entered his mouth. The vodka bottle now open, and being swallowed swiftly. The taste not even fazing him in the slightest. As the pills and alcohol he had currently placed in his mouth were consumed, he went for more. He kept on until all the pills were gone. He swallowed the vodka until everything went black. He didn't pass out immediately though. He used what slight consciousness he had left to crawl into the empty bed that once belonged to a man named Soubi.

You kept your promise Soubi, you died for me. And now I'm keeping mine, I'll die without you.

(flash back, "italics" indicate the words Soubi says through his eyes)

"Soubi, just...just hang in there! You can't leave me! I love you so much Soubi! I love you so much! Do you hear me? Don't...don't...you can't!" Ritsuka's little voice cried out with a trembling shriek.

I'm sorry Ritsuka. But, I promised.

"Soubi, I choose you over everything! I still do, I always will. Please just hang in there. I know you can. I know your strong enough. Soubi, you can do anything, I know you can! You can do anything! I'll...I'll, I'll let you take my ears if you'll just stay. I'll fucking give them to you, please just stay!"

I want nothing more than to stay with you Ritsuka. I want nothing more than you. That's why this must be done, so you Ritsuka, so you can live. I have to, because I love you.

"Soubi...I'll die without you."

Please Ritsuka, don't do anything stupid. I'm not worth it. Don't make this worse. Don't make me die in vain. I love you.

"Soubi...I'll always love you. Always have, always will." With that said, Ritsuka kissed Soubi.

Thank you for this fond last memory, Ritsuka, I love you...(darkness)

"Sou...bi?" The little hands shaking held the face he knew now held no part of the man he loved. It was only the cocoon left once the butterfly had flown.

A hand belonging to a dark haired man gripped Ritsuka's trembling shoulder. Immediately Ritsuka knew who the hand belonged to. Grabbing the knife from Soubi's stiff hand, he whirled around and stabbed his brother in the neck. The body of the similar looking man fell, hand going to pull the knife out, only making blood ooze faster as he left the world at a much faster rate than the fallen fighter.

(end flash back)

Kio walked gravely into the dark, cold apartment of his former friend. He knew the deed had to be done, and he also knew it would be too painful for the young boy he had reluctantly become friends with. Ritsuka was already hurting far more than Kio could even imagine. The pain the boy had held in his eyes that day in the hospital where the beautiful blond was officially declared deceased was far more than Kio knew could exist. The boy always seemed to have a somewhat pained expression, but that was mainly due to the fact of how hellish the small teens life had been so far. But the pain in those eyes that day was so deep, like the undiscovered depths of the ocean, the pain had no end. No relief, no break from the unwavering shower of needles piecing every inch of everything. Kio knew the boy would never recover, though, neither would he.

But, as he walked into the apartment, hand full of boxes expecting to be filled, panic over came his being. The small outline of the neko boy laying on the bed scared him. But as he walked over and noticed from the bare light of the moon the empty bottle of sleeping pills and the empty vodka bottle he and Soubi had bought only a week ago and barely touched. Kio knew immediately what the situation being was. The boxes fell to the floor as he wondered what to do.

"Ritsuka-kun!!!!! Ritsuka-kun, wake up, don't do this! Please hang in there, Soubi... Soubi would want you to hold on." Kio was shaking the limp body, hoping for some type of reaction, but receiving none. The thought of actually letting the boy succeed in his wish to die crossed Kio's mind. The boy seemed to be dead anyway without Soubi. He wondered if it was worth it to make Ritsuka live and suffer more. But, then the thought of Soubi crossed his mind, what Soubi would say, what he would want. Soubi loved the boy alive, and that was how the boy was going to remain.

Kio lifted the thin limp teen into his arms. He left the apartment quickly, running to the hospital that he knew to be only two blocks away. He was able to make it there quickly seeing as how the boy was so light. It made Kio wonder if the boy ever ate. At the hospital, the doctors quickly asked what had happened, and Kio briefly told them. The doctors took the boy into the back of the ER to pump his stomach. All the while, Kio was scared. He too lost someone he loved, he didn't know if he loved Ritsuka, but he knew he didn't want the boy to die. There had already been one too many deaths lately.

Hold on Ritsuka. You will not die. Because, you are not alone.