Just a Little
xxx
You cannot deny the fact that it hurts and that is possibly the worst part of it. You can laugh the pain away, if only for a few minutes, and you can fake smiles like the best of them, but when you are by yourself and lonely, you cannot forget that it hurts.
You try to tell yourself that even though it hurts, it is better that way, but you know that it's a lie. You've never been particular good at lying to yourself. You try to remember that if this hadn't happened, you would have ended up in a loveless marriage, trapped there only for the faint love that you hoped to remember. Two people with big ego's didn't work well after all, in business or in personal.
You cannot deny that you have to constantly resist the urge to click onto his Facebook page, your hand quivering, making the mouse wobble. More often then not you find yourself curled up in bed early, earphones in and Jesse's Girl playing on repeat. It reminds you of him and it takes the pain away, if only for a little while.
You try to remember that he has moved on now, gone of to college. It would never have worked anyway, but that doesn't help you. You still remember the feeling of those eggs sliding down your bare skin, staining your sweater and skirt. You really don't know what hurt more, the betrayal of your trust (he knew that the thought of having eggs thrown at you made you feel ill to your stomach) or the pain that courses through your body as your heart physically shatters in half, and the hurt that you feel when you look up at him and see nothing.
No emotion, just plain nothingness.
So you go home and throw every single thing that reminds you of him into the bin- the emails you printed out and stashed secretly in draws, the jumper he left in your bedroom by accident, the song lyrics he printed out for you, that bow hairclip he had bought you, the numerous pictures of him and you, smiling and happy. It is kind of ironic that for such a short relationship, there are hundreds of photographs for you to rip in half. Perhaps your Dad and Daddy thought that this one would actually last. With every rip and tear your heart shatters, just a little, just a little.
You try to pretend that it doesn't hurt, that you don't scrub yourself red raw that night in the shower, that you don't creep down to the trash in the early hours of the morning, just to hold his jumper once more and try to remember his exact scent. You try to forget, try to set your life back into reality once again.
But it hurts.
It hurts to smile, even it is fake, without him. It hurts to laugh without him, it hurts to cry without him holding you tight and promising that it will all be okay. It hurts to delete all of his texts, it hurts to delete him on Facebook. It hurts to return to school, where everything is so bright and cheerful, when all you want to do is scream and cry.
But it hurts most of all to sing without him. But you forget, or you at least try to.
But you cannot deny that Finn's hugs, and Finn's kisses are nothing compared to Jesse's. It hurts to kiss someone other than him.
It hurts just a little, just a little.
Random & weird brought on by hours spent reading St Berry fics :)