THE TWO TOWERS EPIC COMEDY
BY Tirlalaith FantasyComedian
Prologue~ Gandalf's Duel
(The scene opens with the Misty Mountain range. Deep within the mountains shouts a voice saying,)
Gandalf: You shall not pass!
Frodo: Gandalf!
(Gollum slows down his helicopter where he is trying to film the Two Towers film himself but is not making any progress. He looks at the screen next to his side which shows a homing-device beeping on it. Showing Gollum where Gandalf is he smiles dumbly and heads for the mountain range. He lands at the top of one of the mountains and starts sliding down the mountain and then grabs onto a crevice where he thinks Gandalf's voice is coming from. Gollum stuffs his camera into the crevice but it will not go past two inches. He then starts pushing at the camera but can't get it in. He then starts pulling the camera out but to no avail. He then sighs and remembers why he got into a helicopter.)
Gollum: I've got two hobbits to catch!
(Gollum taps the side of his head with one of his fingers and starts climbing back to his helicopter carefully; leaving the camera in the crevice as it is. Deep down inside the Misty Mountains, is the Fellowship of the Ring with Gandalf trying to protect them from a Balrog. The Balrog is snapping his whip right now.)
Gandalf: You...cannot...!
(The Balrog thinks Gandalf is going to say something powerful that will blow him to pieces but,)
Gandalf: ...use that!
(Balrog sighs in relief.)
Gandalf: What kind of whip are you using?
Balrog: A bullwhip soaked in Gasoline and Kerosene. 80 feet long! I got the smallest size in the Balrog's Guild!
Gandalf: Well it's dangerous to me as a Middle-Earth actor trying to play out a part in the Gondorian Cinema. Okay?
Balrog: Duhhhhh okay.
(Gandalf all of the sudden lifts his staff and hits the bridge with the bottom of it. Nothing happens. Gandalf squints in anger at the Balrog but the dumb Balrog shruggs his shoulders. Gandalf thinks he gets the point of breaking the bridge and taps it lightly with his staff but still nothing happens. He then gets angry and starts throwing an angry fit by swinging his staff and saying gibberesh spells from Disney's The Sword in the Stone and then flips it up and grabs the bottom of his staff and starts hitting the bridge with it. The top of the staff breaks and falls into the abyss below them. Gandalf sniffs a little when he sees the missing head of his staff and then looks at the Balrog for his move. Balrog smiles dumbly and cracks his whip (which all of the Fellowship cover their ears) and then trys to wrap the whip around Gandalf but Gandalf ducks under the whip and the whip coils around the bridge and is held fast. Balrog tries to pull the whip out of it's coils but to no avail. He then pulls with all of his might and rips out a big piece of the bridge in front of Gandalf's feet. He then starts swinging his whip that is still holding the piece of the bridge and accidentally knocks Gandalf's sword out of his hand while the Balrog gets tired of swinging it and stops. The moment that happens the whip pulls the dumb Balrog into the abyss below and when the Balrog is about twenty feet down Gandalf jumps after him.)
Frodo: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Gandalf?
Gandalf: He's got my best sword Glandrink! I need it to defeat him!
(Gandalf falls after the Balrog and lands on him.)
Gandalf: Owwww! Hot! You should take an ice bath or something!
Balrog: I can't help it! When your born its...(Balrog is getting ready for a sneeze) eh...eh..eh...eh..achooo!
(Balrog breaths some fire out which burns some of Gandalf's beard off.)
Gandalf trying to act like a Poet Swordsman: How dare thee you scoundrel! I'll fight thee like a man! This beard of mine has grown for more than a thousand years! And you burn it off by your sneeze! Take that!