A/N: This is based on the song by Dishwalla, which is (obviously) titled 'Every Little Thing'. It's one of my earlier fics, so, erm. Yeah;p I feel obliged t warn you that it's a total space opera, but if you still decide to read it, enjoy! :D
Let me in
To see you in the morning light
I knocked hesitantly on the starboard dormitory door. After waiting a full minute, I tried opening the door. It wasn't even locked. The dormitory was dim, with the only illumination supplied by the faint light of the Telosian sun from the windows.
She was curled up on her bunk, facing the wall. I knelt beside her bunk and touched her shoulder gently.
"Hey. We'll be reaching Telos in a couple of hours."
She sat up, and rubbed her eyes blearily. Her eyes were swollen from crying. Even in the half-light, her face was pale. She attempted to smile, but gave up when she saw the look on my face.
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come
"Don't worry." Her voice lacked its usual clarity, the ringing conviction that accentuated every word.
I said nothing, but took her hand and held her gaze. As I watched, her eyes filled with tears again and her delicate lips turned downwards. She began to weep silently, shoulders shaking violently.
Without thinking, I sat next to her and pulled her close. I wrapped my arms around her as she buried her face into my chest, hot tears soaking through my shirt. She finally relaxed enough to let herself grieve completely, powerful sobs wracking her entire body.
I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
Her voice was raw and broken. "I am the death of the Force. There is nothing in me. Only the echo. You follow me because I steal your will, make my wishes yours."
I shushed her gently, lifting her chin so that she was looking at me directly. "You're not. I was dead inside, until I met you. You've saved so many on Nar Shaddaa, on Dantooine and on Onderon. That isn't bringing the death of the Force."
She smiled bitterly. "Oh, but you don't know. Everywhere I go, I leave the echoes. I derive my strength not from those I saved, but from the people I killed."
Will you find out who you are, too late to change?
She pulled away from me, and I could hear her despair. "These Sith are like me. Like Visas' master. They will…I will…consume everything. I don't want to hurt any of you. And that is why I must do this alone."
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
Sometimes
I drew her to me again and held her close, stroking her long dark hair. "No. I choose to be with you. I promise. I'll always be here if you need me. Just give me a chance to help you."
I don't know how long I rocked her in my arms until she stopped crying and her breathing grew less ragged. When she was finally calm, she smiled at me, though the last remnants of her sorrow still marked her features.
"You already have."
Lift me up
Just lift me up, don't make a sound
And let me hold you up before you hit the ground
My senses jolted me into the waking world. She was sitting on my bed, watching me rub the sleep from my eyes. She whispered excitedly, "Get dressed quickly! Let's go to the surface!"
"What is the time anyway? We could steal a shuttle."
She stood with arms akimbo and huffed in displeasure. "We can just take the Ebon Hawk, you know. Carth gave me unlimited access to anywhere. I think he has a crush on me." The last sentence was said with a gleam in her eye. I knew she was baiting me, but I couldn't help but scowl when she said it.
I pulled on my boots, a shirt and my lucky ribbed jacket. We raced each other to the hangar, alternately giggling like little children and shushing each other. Fortunately, the dour people of Telos were asleep at that hour, or they would have thought we were insane.
We reached the surface just as the sky was beginning to lighten. She lifted her arms to the wind as soon as she was out of the ship for a long moment before she turned to me with a smile. "Come on! I want to watch the sunrise."
The stiff breeze rustled through the blossoming lilies as she ran towards the shore. She paused only to remove her boots and roll up her loose trousers. I followed suit, grinning with the same exuberance that she was radiating. She plunged into the brine and gasped, which was exactly how I reacted when I immersed my feet in the unexpectedly cold water.
As the sun rose over the horizon, we stood in the water, waves lapping at our knees. I put my arms around her waist, and found that she was shivering. Her light cotton shirt had been adequate for the climate-controlled Citadel Station, but an actual spring morning was much too chilly. I draped my ribbed jacket around her shoulders and discreetly moved closer to her to shield her from the wind. A cannok croaked somewhere, and I fervently hoped that the Ithorians hadn't found a marine equivalent of the cannok to populate the sea.
She laughed aloud when I voiced the thought, and then smiled at me with so much joy in her eyes that I thought my heart would burst with love.
See all come
You say you're all right
But I get the strangest feeling
That you've gone away- you've gone away
And will you find out who you are too late to change?
As we walked back to the ship barefoot and holding hands, she seemed strangely subdued.
"What's wrong?"
"Huh? Nothing. Why do you ask?" The expression on her face was unreadable. She shuddered slightly, then was still again.
"You just seem a little quiet, and distant."
"I'm just this way sometimes. Jedi can have mood swings too, you know." Her voice was light-hearted, but her eyes contradicted her tone of voice. She lapsed back into silence.
It was a very quiet trip back.
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
Sometimes
Two days later, she was still withdrawn. Even the Disciple, who was generally clueless about everything, had noticed that something was wrong.
"Isn't there anything I can do?"
Every time I asked, she said no. Until she finally lashed out, "I've said this already, there's nothing you can do! So stop asking!"
I stopped asking, but that didn't mean that I'd stopped worrying.
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
The night sky was clear, and if one looked carefully, one could make out the distant stars. She was looking out of the window in her room, sitting alone in the dark. The view was lovely, with the lights of the station forming a lovely cityscape. At the sound of my approach, she looked up, then resumed looking out of the window as though nothing had happened.
"Don't leave."
There was a long pause.
"I must." She did not even look at me.
"Don't leave me."
She did not reply, but curled up on her window seat, withdrawing further into herself.
"I can't take it if you do."
Or soon nothing will be right at all
When she remained silent, I sat opposite her, and began running my hands through my hair subconsciously. She had saved us, but now she was going to abandon us. What was she thinking? The order was still a wreck. She was needed to train new Jedi. There wasn't a Jedi council to keep her an exile anymore, so why was she leaving?
"Your place is here, rebuilding the Jedi order. You can't just cut and run. The Republic won't survive without the Jedi."
She shook her head and laughed mirthlessly. "They'll survive. Bastila and Atris will help all of you."
"You can't just leave me." My voice cracked. "I love you."
"I'm not leaving you. Please don't make this any harder for me." She found her way into my arms, tucking her head into the crook of my shoulder. She sighed, then took a deep breath. "Kreia told me before, that Revan had gone to fight the True Sith in the Unknown Regions. That is where I must go. To fight it with him."
"Let me come with you."
"No."
And, like you, he knew he must leave all loves behind as well, no matter how deeply one cares for them. Because such attachments are not the way of the Jedi, and they would only bring doom to them both in the dark places where he now walks. Perhaps you shall go there with him, and do battle at the end of all things.
So it was Kreia. "I can't believe you still trust that old witch."
She sighed again. "She was speaking the truth. You saw Bastila. Revan would never have left her unless there was no other way."
"And you know that from experience?"
"Please. I don't want to argue. Just…let me have this moment." She put her arms around my neck and we held each other close.
Salvation
Will you find out who you are too late to change?
"When are you leaving?" Something in my chest clenched at the thought.
"I don't know. Soon, I guess."
"Why do you always have to save the universe?"
"I am a Jedi."
"You are the woman I love."
"I know." She tightened her arms around my neck.
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
"There really isn't anything I can do?"
"No." She tensed almost imperceptibly.
"I'll wait, you know."
She stared at me with her shadowed eyes for a long time. With shaking fingers, she began to trace the line of my jaw, running her fingertips over my face; my lashes, my lips. When she had brushed her fingers over every square inch of my face, she kissed me tenderly.
Her voice was raspy when she finally spoke. "There is the love where you'd give your life in a foolish gesture in the name of love. There is the love where you would give anything for a worthy cause. There is the love where you'd try every way, even if it was dishonourable, to spend the rest of your life with the person you love."
"The love I have is the latter two. I may not be the perfect Jedi because I am in love, with you and with the universe, but I will not let my emotions get the better of me. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try anything to come back to you. Regardless, I don't know what I'll find out there. And if I die… I want you to live on."
I flinched at that, but she pressed on.
"I want you to be happy. Promise me that."
I took her hand and kissed it. "I promise you that when you come back, I will be here."
Her voice was serious. "Promise me that even if I die, you'll live on, and find happiness."
I couldn't meet her eyes. "I wish I could, but I can't. I just can't."
She bit her lip and sighed. Smiling resignedly, she said, "I guess that's just more incentive for me to come back, and come back fast. If you can't do that, then promise me that you'll stay with them, and aid them in reviving the Jedi Order. Do that for me, at least."
I brushed her dark hair out of her face. "I will."
We fell asleep on the window seat, leaning on each other and watching the lights of Citadel Station. When I woke up, she was gone.
It's been two years.
The order is flourishing under the combined care of Mical and Bastila. We found a number of Jedi in hiding, and persuaded them to return to the order. Mira has taken a Padawan, as has Bastila, Jolee and Mical. The Council is even considering allowing the Knights to take more than one Padawan to accelerate the growth of the order.
Still, when it came down to it, I knew I was just making excuses. Deserting still was what I did best. Tossing a datapad addressed to Mical onto my bed, I shouldered my pack and looked around the room. It was actually tidy for a change, since leaving it in a mess would have annoyed Bastila to no end. Not like that was such a bad thing, when I thought about it.
I doubted that she would understand, but that was just too bad. Two years of hell was enough for me. Two years of crying at the worst possible moments. Two years of wondering where she was and whether she was safe. Two years of imagining how it would be when she returned. I've had enough. I could almost hear her saying dryly, "Running away again, Rand?"
Force, I've even missed her sarcasm.
Sorry, Lei. I guess I just can't be what you want me to be. I tried to be that good little Jedi Knight, but I just can't hack it.
The Ebon Hawk's engines fired up with a roar and T3 rolled into the cockpit, squawking in distress.
"Listen, you little tin can, you had better bring me to Lei's last known coordinates or I'll burn out your capacitors with my lightsaber. And yes, I'll tell her that it wasn't your fault. Go on, get!"