Staining the Pavement
My body burns as I struggle to keep my eyes open. "We're going to grow old together and have lots of kids," I say unconvincingly. I don't believe it. I wish I could will myself to, but I just can't. I can tell she doesn't, because she knows what's going to happen. But she has to, because having her not believe is worse than me dying.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. We should've been at my house talking, watching movies, and kissing. But instead, she was sitting here suffering because of me. Even after all the stuff that we've been through, I wasn't sure if we'd be able to get through this. I think she doubts how much I love her, but in reality she has no idea how bad I do. But really, she's the reason why I'm sprawled out on the ground dying.
I only fought with Fitz for her. And if I knew that fighting with him would lead me right here, I can't say that I wouldn't do it another forty-five times. Her love was worth dying for. And if wasn't for her love, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Ever since Julia, I thought I wouldn't be able to love anyone ever again, but because of her I can.
She doesn't understand how I feel, and she never will. Not because I'm too chicken to tell her. Just because I don't think I could describe my feelings for her in words. That's why I can't keep doing this to her. It's not fair anymore. She didn't ask to be part of this sick little game I put her in. The one where I get hurt and she has to run to the hospital, not knowing whether I'm okay or not. I can see that it's killing her. And when you love someone, you make sacrifices. Even if the sacrifices end up killing you.
I can tell that she loves me. But she knows that she can't take much more pain. The look in her eyes says so much, so we just sit there in silence. I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to apologize? I guess it was a little too late for that. So as I felt my blood stain the pavement, the feeling of losing her was worse than losing myself.
So as she holds my head in her lap sobbing, I couldn't help but cry. I've seen all these scenes in movies where someone dies in their loved one's arms. Everything is in slow motion and there is sad music playing in the background. They say some phrase like, "you'll always be in my heart," and they cry or kiss.
But the real experience is so much different than on T.V. If I knew those would've been my last seconds with her, I would've said something cliché like "I'll always be with you." But honest to say, I couldn't think of anything that I could've said to make the situation any better. But in that moment in time, looking in her shiny blue orbs, everything had been said and done, and there was nothing I could take back.
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