Facade
By Misha
Disclaimer- Oh, come on! Anyone who knows anything about Sailor Moon knows that I do not own the series or anything in it. Naoko Takeuchi has that pleasure, not me. I wish I did, but I don't. I am also not making any money off using the characters in this story so please don not sue me.
Notes- This is just a short piece from Usagi's perspecitve, because I happen to believe that there is more to her than we are ever shown. This turned out a little bit more depressing that I intended, but, what can you do?
Rating- PG
I am not the person that everybody thinks I am.
I am not an empty-headed, clueless ditz, even though that is how most people think of me. I am more than that.
But, I am still less than I should be. And that scares me.
I know that I can never be the Queen that my mother was. The Queen that I am supposed to be one day.
Maybe that is why I pretend to be less than I am; because at least if people do not expect much of me, then they can not be as disappointed when I fail.
I am so afraid that I will fail. So afraid that I will not be able to live up to my destiny.
After all, not too long ago, I didn't have a destiny. I was just a simple Junior High Student who worried about how I was going to tell my parents when I failed yet another test.
But those days are gone. Now, there is so much more expected of me. Now it is my job to protect the lives of everyone I know and care about. More than that, someday it will be my job to rule the entire world.
I do not think that I can do it. How can I? I mean, I can not even get to school on time, how can I have the entire world depend on me?
I do not want that responsibility. But I do not get a choice. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be Sailor Moon. Nobody asked me if I wanted to be Princess Serenity. And I seriously doubt that anyone is going to ask me if I want to be Neo-Queen Serenity.
No, I do not get a choice. I have to do it because it is my duty, my destiny. Because I am who I am.
Sometimes, I wish that I was not that person; I wish that this is all a bad dream, and that I will wake up and things will be normal again. That I will not have this horrible weight on my shoulders.
Still, I do not always feel like that. I do not always feel over-whelmed by the burden that I neither asked for, nor was prepared for.
When I am Sailor Moon, I feel strong and confident, even if I do not always show it. It is like that when I transform, I become a different person; one who can handle all the pressure and expectations.
But, in the end, I always transform back into plain old Usagi and all the doubt returns.
I can not let anyone know how I feel. I do not think that anyone would understand; the others all seem to have adjusted so well to the changes that came with their destinies and they expect me to do the same, but I can not. I do not know how.
So, instead of admitting how weak I am, how scared, I pretend. I pretend to be happy and carefree, to be the sweet and lovable ditz.
Yet, that person is not me, not really. But, then again, who am I?
I am not Princess Serenity. Not anymore. Sometimes, I do not think that I ever was. Yet, at the same time, I know that I was. Once, a very long time ago.
But time has passed and that life is long gone. It is lost forever along with the ruins of the Moon Kingdom. I can never be Princess Serenity again; it does not fit, her life is not mine and vice versa.
It is the same with Sailor Moon. I am her, but at the same I am not. She is my escape. A separate part of me. Someone who I can become for a little while as I run from my real life, but that is it. She does not exist, not really.
Yet, does Tsukino Usagi exist anymore? I do not know. I do know that I am not the person I was a few years ago. Princess Serenity and Sailor Moon have both changed me too much for me to be the girl that I was only a few years ago.
So, you see, I do not know who I am. I can never again be what I was and I am not yet ready to be what I will be. I wonder if I will ever be ready for that.
As much as not knowing who I am now scares me, the thought of who I will be scares me more.
Being Queen will entail so much responsibility and there will be so many expectations, how can I possibly live up to them all? I am bound to disappoint people.
I mean how can I not? I am not beautiful or special. I do not know what I am.
Neither does anyone else. So many different people see me in so many ways, but nobody sees the true me.
Not even Mamo-Chan.
He loves me, I know that he does, just like I know that I love him. But, sometimes I can not help but wonder if we love each other because we are supposed to, because it is our destiny.
I mean, before our identities were revealed we could not stand one another, but now that they, we are madly in love. Seems a little strange, does it not?
But what can we do? It is our destiny. We are soul mates, meant to be together forever.
No matter what we might really want.
After all, we already know our future. We have seen it up close and personal.
It seems unfair sometimes that I already know what will happened, that instead of just living life my way the way I want to, I am destined to follow a road map. I know what must happen. I have seen parts of it with my own eyes, even though I wish that I had not.
It would have been so much easier if I was in the dark about what lies ahead of me. If I did not know what to expect of my future, but I do.
We all do.
At least, I am not totally alone. The others' lives were forced to change as well. None of us are the same as we were a few years ago.
But they seem to have taken it better; I do not think the future, or what lies there, scares them as much as it scares me.
But of course, their futures are not the same as mine. They will be my guards, my Senshi, protecting me. But I, not them, will be the one to rule when Crystal Tokyo comes.
That is my destiny, not their's, and they can not share it with me, nor help with me that burden.
Which is another reason why I do not tell them how I feel, they could not understand, not really.
So, I do not tell them about what really goes on inside my head. I hide myself away from them, from everybody.
It is easier that way.
But, sometimes, it gets to me. Sometimes, I feel over-whelmed by having to hide my true self from even those that I love best.
Sometimes it angers me that nobody really knows or understands me. That everyone thinks that I am just a ditz, when I am really not. That there is so much about me that no one will ever understand. That I have to face all these fears, doubts, and uncertainties about my future alone.
But, after a while, I push those feelings aside, because I know that really is for the best. And even if it is not, this is the way that it has to be.
Still, I wish that the others would remember one simple thing: that things are not always as they seem on the outside.
The End