Disclaimer: I don't own Avatar. If I did, Sokka would have a harem, Toph would be a pimp, and Azula wouldn't go crazy with power. She'd spend the rest of her days washing Iroh's feet, and the stench would make her go crazy.

Notes: I am satisfied with Avatar's ending. Not pleased, not mad, just satisfied. Why? I guess because I figured out what Aang would do to the Phoenix King ten minutes before he actually did it. That, and the kiss was a bit anti-climactic. Honestly, Sokka and Suki had better kisses. Heck, even Toph kissing Suki was more exciting. Funny how all this time, I was rooting for Aang and Katara, and when they finally happen, I wish they'd just held hands instead. All that aside, Avatar is still one of the better animated series I've ever obsessed over. And there's racial harmony. Gotta love it.

Summary: Aang is worried that Toph and Zuko will never get along. But he doesn't realize that their constant fighting may just be what they, he, and the entire world, need to survive.

Fear the Melon Lord, Charlie Brown!

An Avatar One-Shot by

Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)

"Aang, you've got to do something about these two!"

It was nothing Katara hadn't said before, but this time, the young Avatar knew there would be no putting the problem off until the next day. The results of his negligence were right in front of him, sprawled on the ground of that night's campsite: Zuko unconscious with a concussion or worse, and Toph with a purple bruise the size of a small cabbage just above her right eye.

"They were fighting again?" Aang asked quietly, already knowing the answer.

Sokka nodded, struggling to slop a greenish-looking goo on Toph's forehead, but she kept pushing him away. "Would you cut it out?! Katara says this stuff will help!"

"No way I'm trusting anything that smells worse than you, Snoozles," Toph shot back, planting her foot in his chest hard enough to send Sokka tumbling into a tree a few yards away.

"Just leave her alone, Sokka!" Katara snapped in frustration. "If she wants her body to turn into one huge scab, then let her!"

"You really think it could?" Toph asked eagerly, drawing a groan of disgust from Katara.

Suki, who had wisely been watching from a safe distance, finally came over and placed a hand on Aang's shoulder. "I might be new to this, but this would be a great time to practice some of that harmony stuff you're supposed to be so good at one day."

"I am good at it!" Aang protested, glaring at her.

"Uh huh. So why are Toph and Zuko still trying to kill each other?"

Aang's frown crumbled. "I don't know..."

"So find out!" She gave him a little shove in Toph's direction. "She's the only one that can talk at the moment, so start with her."

That, in Aang's mind, was a very bad idea. Toph wasn't going to talk if she didn't want to, and any attempts to force her would result in a very, very painful reminder of just who the better Earthbender in their group was.

So everyone was bit shocked when Toph suddenly stomped over, grabbed Aang's arm, and instantly erected one of her earth tents around them, effectively isolating them from the others.

"Should we be worried about that?" Sokka asked hesitantly.

"Well, I don't think she could really hurt him too bad in such a tight space," Suki reasoned. "Maybe they're just going to talk."

"Riiight," Sokka agreed slowly, just before whirling around and shouting, "KATARA! Get more of that goop ready on the double!"

"Um, Toph?" Aang whispered, more than a little uncomfortable for several reasons. "Was this really necessary?"

"Shut up," Toph said calmly.

Aang obeyed, mostly due to the fact that Toph's face was less than an inch from his own, and she still had a firm grip on his arm. There wasn't even enough room in the tent for him to turn his head, so he had no choice but to stare into Toph's cloudy green eyes. She was no doubt keeping them open purely for intimidation purposes, anyway.

"You're not very bright, are you, Twinkle Toes?" she asked.

"If you brought me in here just to insult me, you could've done that without the earth tent."

Toph sighed. "That's the kind of attitude that's going to get you killed, baldy. Stop and think about how relentless Zuko was when he was trying to capture you alive. What do you think the Fire Lord is going to be like, now that he wants you dead?"

Aang had no answer for that. He'd honestly been trying not to think about it too much.

"You're not ready. You may never be. But that's okay."

"It is?" Aang asked at once. "Why?"

"Because we will be," Toph replied shortly. "Why do you think Zuko and I have been beating the crap out of each other?"

He blinked. "Wait. You don't hate him?"

"Hate him? He's the best friend I have right now! He's making sure I'll be ready, and I'm doing the same for him."

"I thought you just hated Firebenders."

"Why would I?" Toph asked. "They didn't do anything to me until I started hanging out with you guys, and that was my choice."

Aang stared at her in disbelief. "They conquered your home!"

"So? I wasn't there."

"But what about your parents?"

"What about them? They're rich, and they didn't get that way by being stupid. Well, they were stupid when it came to me, but they've got enough sense not to oppose the Fire Nation openly. And trust me, no Fire Nation soldier is going to lay a hand on them. Wars cost money, and it has to come from somewhere. So long as my parents have money, they'll be safe. And trust me, they'll always have money."

"Then... you actually like Zuko?" he murmured.

"Well, he's proving a lot more useful than some of the other people we hang out with."

"But if you keep pushing each other like this, you're going to be seriously hurt!"

Toph shook her head. "I'd rather be seriously hurt than seriously dead. If you were smart, you'd feel the same way. Look, Twinkle Toes, nobody is saying you have to be as rough as us, if it would go against your high and mighty principles. It would help, but we understand. Still, you need to realize that there's a reason you're the last Airbender. Principles don't win wars when overwhelming power is being shoved down your throat. Anyway, principles aren't nearly as much fun."

Before Aang could say anything to that, Toph made a slight gesture, and the earth tent collapsed, revealing a scowling Zuko waiting on them. There was a small amount of blood leaking from his nose, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Ready for round two, Hot Pants?" Toph teased, flicking a harmless pebble at him.

Zuko said nothing, but flicked his dark gaze over to Aang before walking away, with Toph trailing behind him.

"Aren't you going to stop them?" Katara demanded, looking very worried.

"No. I'm going to join them," Aang said quietly as he hurried to follow.

"Are you nuts?" Sokka demanded. "You won't stand a chance if they gang up on you!"

Aang smiled sadly. "That's the point. And I never will, unless I do this."

"Alright!" Toph cheered as Aang caught up to them. "It's Melon Lord and The Flaming Lump versus Fancy Dancer in a no holds barred handicap match!"

Zuko stopped short, causing her to bump into him. "Why am I 'The Flaming Lump'?" he growled.

Toph grinned and slapped him on the back roughly. "That's the business, babe," she answered, ignoring Zuko's look of outrage. "You work your way up to a better name. When we win, I'll bump you up to 'Blistering Brawler', 'kay?"

"Is it too late to switch teams?" Zuko muttered.

"Yes, it is," said a voice behind them.

Aang looked over his shoulder to see Suki in full Kyoshi Warrior dress. "Why's that?"

"Because now it's a tag team match! Enter Avatar Kyoshi!"

Aang almost opened his mouth to complain, then reminded himself he'd probably gotten off lucky with behind dubbed Fancy Dancer.

"You can't be an Avatar," Zuko growled at Suki.

"Why not? It's more impressive, and I look more like one than you!"

"She's got you there," Toph agreed.

Zuko's left eye twitched. "She's not even a bender!"

"Sure I am!" Suki gave Aang a pointed look, which he finally realized the meaning of seconds later, and soon a small rock the size of a fist flew over her shoulder and thudded against Zuko's chest.

"That's cheating!" Zuko practically howled. "They're faking it!"

"SHHH!" Toph hissed, grabbing his ear and twisting it. "You never say the f-word during a match! That's like asking Fire Nation Man for an encore! You just don't do it!"

"But they were!" Zuko hissed.

"Melon Lord can't really make flaming rocks in an instant, but we let that slide, don't we? So keep your trap shut and just go with it."

"This all made a lot more sense when it was just the two of us trying to kill each other," he grumbled.

Toph winked up at him. "Don't worry, you'll get me all to yourself if we win. I'll probably be so fired up from the win that I might give you another concussion to go with the first."

"So are we going to do this or not?" Suki said loudly. "Unless you want Team Avatar to win by default!" She grabbed Aang's hand and hoisted it up in apparent victory.

"Oh, now it's personal!" Toph stomped the ground, and both Aang and Suki were sent flying as the ground they stood on lurched up and catapulted them over Toph and Zuko's heads.

Zuko said nothing, but he was clearly impressed.

"You take Twinkle Toes. The Avatar wanna-be is mine," Toph ordered, encasing her body in rock and skating after the rapidly fading duo.

"To think I gave up being Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation, just to become The Flaming Lump," Zuko muttered, shaking his head. As he moved to join Toph, Zuko tried to push away that line of thought, but he couldn't help thinking that somehow, somewhere, someone was having a good laugh at his expense.

The End.

Endnotes:

Grah! I cannot produce a normal-length Avatar story to save my life. I dunno what's wrong with me.

The title, of course, comes from the war game that Sokka came up with to prepare Aang for fighting Ozai.