WW0604: Oops, I did it again. Ok that was cheesy, but anyways I did do it again, another fanfic even though I have others that needs working on. This is the first chapter of the sequel to 'The Joy of Pain'. In that fanfic explains some things that will or might happen in this fic, so I do recommend reading 'The Joy of Pain' before reading this.

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS OR THE ANIME….GOT IT?

So, like usual, not much to say about the fic in the first chapter besides that this fic (unlike the story before it) is in 2nd person, but if you ask I might be able to make a remake fic of it in 3rd person view as well. I'm just more use to 2nd person now haha, but anyways…please enjoy.

Typing Key

Regular test

Actions

"Character Talking"

'Personal Thoughts'

Text Messages

Written on Paper (When Gaara has something to say 90% of the time)

Chapter 1: Have Doubts

What is true joy I wonder. Everyday I keep thinking I had true joy. I have Neji, the best boyfriend one can have. He accepts me as how I am, even though he wishes I wasn't what I am from time to time. Then I have my hobby…cutting. I started this when I first started middle school, almost seven years ago now. I'm seventeen, in three weeks and four days will be the seven year marker of all my cutting 'issues'. Neji doesn't like I when I call them 'problems' cause then he thinks I'm calling myself a problem…which in truth I am.

Two years ago when I was a freshmen in the very same high school I attend I thought I had found my true joy. The one thing that replaces the thrill and warmth cutting gives me. I said I thought I did because a few years later as I'm just about to start my junior year with Neji I still continue to cut myself in hopes that I will one day find joy. Neji believes he is to blame for my unable to stop. That if he had gotten to me sooner then I wouldn't have shot him or that if he hadn't left me to get our bags on our date then I wouldn't have been raped. I hate how he blames things on him that he had no control over, but there seems to be no way to stop him from thinking it. He says, it's because he loves me.

I'm currently in my room, sitting on my bed and looking out my window. Neji usually comes over to my house around midnight to sleep with me and keep me company in case I have nightmares, but for the past few weeks he hasn't shown up…and I haven't been able to sleep. I'm not blaming Neji though, he has always been kind and supportive. What more can I ask for? 'Someone who can replace your joy…' I thought while looking at the little tin pencil case that I use to store my razors and an exact-o blade along with a few gauze pads I use to stop the bleeding.

A part of me, no matter how much I wish it wouldn't, blames Neji. I've been increasing my income of cuts each day, thinking that I've done something wrong to make Neji leave and maybe, just maybe, that if I cut enough he'll return to keep me company and happy. That's the only time I'm not thinking of the blood or the pain and the joy.

'He has left you…you made him leave.' I can hear part of my mind telling me. And I can't help but to listen. The day he left I had told him that I wanted to be left alone, I wanted to FEEL. He hasn't returned since then and my thoughts are correct. I am the one to blame. Looking at the sharp joy I have in the tin pencil case, I can feel it…hear it calling to me like gravity pushing me to it. Or like how magnets attract to each other. It wants me to use it so I can feel again.

I reach my hand out slowly towards the pencil case, trying to decide on what I wanna use. Eventually I settled down on a razor, it works easier. Holding the small blade between my teeth, I use my right hand to roll up my left sleeve. Being right hand dominate means that self harming is easiest done on the left side…unless you're doing legs, that's a different story. My arm sleeve is pulled up all the way to my elbow and now I have the blade in my hand. Everything after that is a blur. I can feel it sting as the sharp corner of the blade rips and tears my skin. But I like it, I smile each time I feel this. It's not enough though. I NEED more…more pain and more stinging sensations.

Five minutes and eighteen cuts has passed and still…I want more. I have never felt the need for the red crimson as much as I had this very night. I could say it's a little frightening, but this pain is like a drug to me. It makes me feel normal…like a human. And, sadly enough, it helps me forget.

I hurt Neji…I made him leave…and I made him hate me. This is when I realize that it's not the fact that I want to feel. It's that I need to be punished. Everything about me is bad. My voice that doesn't exist and how it makes me look like a weak little boy that can't do anything for himself. My small body that just shows that I really am weak. And my arms covered in sinful scars…they show that I'm unable to keep myself in a mental state that a normal person would call 'sane'.

SLASH

Blood…

Darkness…

Numb…

…

..

.

"Don't act like this isn't serious! He's been getting worse and worse and he wont tell us what happened!" a voice yells and shouts out. It's what wakes me up. It's a females voice, obviously Temari. I don't feel like opening my eyes yet though. I'm so tired and so sore. My whole right leg stings at the slightest attempt to move it.

"Temari, yelling wont do anything. If it does end up doing something it'll be waking up Gaara." I instantly know that the voice that just spoke was Kankuro. My oldest brother, who is now more mature than when we were in high school together. After he graduated he started to understand that he's a grown man and should probably act like it. Though that also means he's a little over protective.

"Well if he would do what a normal boyfriend would do then maybe Gaara wouldn't be so damn suicidal!" Temari yells again, making it hard for me to maintain a sleeping face. I wasn't doing what happened based off suicidal feelings…at least I don't think I was. I don't think I'm suicidal, just really lonely. Still, my leg is sore and I have no idea what happened. All I remember is my hand cutting my arm, but losing room so I took my pants off and started my legs then I fell asleep. What could have happened?

"I don't appreciate being the blame for this." a third voice says. A very familiar voice. One that makes my heart thump and skip a beat. It's odd that it's hard to recognize it…I feel as if I know the owner of this voice a little too well.

"You aren't the blame Neji. You were doing what Gaara asked." Hinata, Neji's always calm cousin says next. And that is when I remember.

'Neji…he came?' I think to myself, in complete shock that the name of the one person who I thought I'd never see or be around again actually came back. What made me even more surprised is that I actually had forgot his voice. The voice of the one I love…and I forgot.

"Even so, he shouldn't have left Gaara alone for a month." Kankuro says.

"Why is it that I'm the only one that has to watch him? You're his brother and Temari is his sister, maybe you two should start showing more care for him." My eyes open. He believes that…no…Kankuro and Temari do care. They really do…even if they hardly spend time with me, but it's understandable. They both have jobs…they're just busy and tired.

"It's not like we have a choice. Gaara wont say a word to us-"

"He doesn't say anything at all, Temari!" Neji yells out, sounding more frustrated and angry than I have ever heard him. He always sounded so calm and kind to me.

"Keep your voice down, you might wake Gaara." Kankuro hushes to them.

"For all we know he could be awake already. Which isn't the point…"

"Yes, your point is that you think that Kankuro and I don't do anything for Gaara. Isn't that it?"

"Apparently…" I don't know what to do. If I get up and show that I'm awake then they'll stop talking and I wont really know what they're thinking. And worse…Neji might leave again. I don't want him to go. He just got back, there's so much I wanna say to him. If only I could…

Maybe that's why he's avoiding me. Kankuro and Temari too. It would make sense. "Guys, if Gaara is awake then he wouldn't like hearing this." Oh Hinata, how you can't be anymore right.

"She's right…he already has enough going on. I doubt having us argue will fix anything." Kankuro agree, making me relax a little as I think that all the arguing and blaming is done. If only if only…Temari is stubborn, I know that and so I now wonder why did I even think this was over?

"Having him leave Gaara alone will fix things I bet." I hear her mumble, it fallowing by the sound of a chair as it slides against the ground. I can recognize the sound of clothes shifting as the person wearing them moves. I close my eyes again, not wanting anyone to know that I'm awake and hearing everything they're saying. The next vice I hear really made my heart drop…

"Fine then, I'll leave. Don't bother calling me if he ends up coming back to the hospital or even the morgue for that matter." Neji says, hearing his foot steps and the door shutting after they disappear I know he had left…and I can help but to hate Temari for making him go.

Is he really going to leave? Is he never going to return? What scares me the most…does he really think I'll end up in a morgue? I'm really scared now…I want Neji to come back, I want him to tell me that everything's ok and the he wont let me come back to this stupid hospital. He know I hate this place…why is he avoiding me.

It's because I told him…

It's because of my stupid feelings…

I don't want it though. I want him to come back…and only I care enough to bring him back. So, that's exactly what I'll do!

Wasting no time, I open my eyes once again and start trying to make myself sit up. The movements and rustling sounds I make with the sheets probably got Hinata, Temari, and Kankuro to finally realize that I'm awake. They're all turning as if someone had screamed bloody murder and are now rushing to my bed. They're all trying to get me to lay down and saying things I can hardly understand. All I know is that I want Neji back…and that means I need to find my phone or some blasted paper.

Finally, Kankuro manages to shut everyone up long enough to ask me, "Do you need something Gaara? Lay down and we'll try to get you whatever you want." As if I can tell him what I want. Even after graduating he's still a total air head.

"Get him paper you fool that way he CAN tell you what he wants." Temari then somewhat rudely says to him. I would be thankful that she thought of the paper if only her voice didn't suggest that she didn't even want the need of paper. Her voice easily suggests that she simply wants me to talk again…if only they knew how much I wanted the same thing. Still, my eyes catch the form of Kankuro going to the other side of the room to get a notebook and pen to bring to me.

I still wont lay down, I have to make them bring Neji back. I needed space when I told him I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want him to leave forever!

Once Kankuro was in reaching distance I snatched the notebook and pen from him and instantly wrote on the front cove 'Neji'. They looked confused as of why I would even want him. Can I make it clear how much I wanted to hit each one of them for that idiotic expression of 'why Neji'? Giving an annoyed huff I open the book and put down 'get Neji OR my phone'. I think I must have looked mad or something cause the ran around the room looking for my phone as if the room itself was on fire. I have to say, it was rather amusing.

In what seemed to be no time at all, I had my phone that Hinata had found in Temari's purse and I'm sending Neji a text message. Neji, get your ass back in this hospital room again before I DO send myself to a morgue. I push the send button and waited. Oddly the wait seemed like hours, maybe my phone's slow or something because when I got his reply it read only one minute after the time I had sent my message.

Who told you that you were going to a morgue? I read from his message. It made me smirk a little…he does care after all.

Just get back here, we can talk….er….discuss it then. I then shut my phone and looked at everyone, feeling 3 pairs of eyes staring into me as if I was some alien that landed in their living room. I give them a 'what' look which just makes them look away. It's only obvious that they're surprised I'm able to moved after…whatever happened to me. Either that or I am an alien that landed n their living room which I highly doubt.

About ten minutes after texting Neji the said boy walks back into my hospital room and I couldn't help myself but to smile even if it was hardly noticeable. The look on Temari's face read pure hatred…it disgusts me to the point of me actually trying to make her stop by throwing the pen I had at her. SUCCESS she looked away from and him and at me.

"Don't bother asking me why I came back, I'd love to know the same thing alone with which one of you morons told him he was going to a morgue." Neji said, sounding rather angry.

"No one told him-" Kankuro started saying only to be interrupted by Neji…who I can now tell really is angry.

"Then why did I get a text from saying that HE IS going to one?" he shouts, making everyone quiet. The only thing that can be heard as the sound of them crumbling up a sheet of paper that wasn't even written on that I just threw at Neji, watching it easily bounce off his head. That easily got all four of their attention and I go to writing what I wanted to say.

'No one told me I was going to a morgue, I was wake while you all were talking or should I say yelling to each other.' I hand the book over to Hinata who out of routine read it out loud for everyone to hear.

"Oh so you're blaming me now, Gaara? You and your siblings?" I only shake my head at him. WHAT has gotten into his head? This isn't the Neji I know and I want this one to go and replace itself with the Neji I want.

WW0604: Yea bad spot to stop but I REALLY REALLY WANT TO POST THIS x3. I hope you like how the sequel is beginning, I'm open for any suggestions just put it in a review or send me a message =3 Thanks and please R&R.