Sorry I'm not updating like I should be, I've been struck down by the most horrible of illnesses.....the common cold. (DUN DUN DUUUUN!). To be fair this really should give me lots of time to write fic but I don't have the energy, ironically. Anyway, here's something I writ purely for my LiveJournal a while back and re-read it today to cheer myself up and thought some on here might like to see it. It's very, very fluffy - I know, very anti-Rose, but there you go. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
It's something that's always kept him tossing and turning each night. It's something that separates him from a good-nights sleep and why he's normally kipping on the sofa for most of the day. Tonight is no different.
Ten years. Well, that's how much he rounds it down to. Whole numbers are a lot easier for him to remember. He knows it's a lot though. Ten years it's been playing on his mind, affecting his soul, his character, everything about his life. He knows things would've been a lot easier if he'd just asked straight away. But he was always afraid of hearing the actual truth in case it was worse when brought into the light of day. But things were beginning to get out of hand. He knew that. And, as always, he knew it was up to him to try and make them better.
Vince rolled onto his side, glancing at the large lump in the duvet of the bed opposite him; "H'ward..."
The lump grunts and cringes slightly as he's disturbed from his slumber. Vince feels a bit guilty for waking him and knows full well he could be asking for a powerful tirade from the Northern mantis. Not that any of that stops him.
"Howard....Howard...Howard....Howard.
...Howard....Howard...HOWARD...!"
After thirty chants of his name, the man himself fails to awaken. Vince hears him mumble the words 'Jack Cooper' and how no one should know of their 'forbidden lo-' and decides he's heard enough. He picks up a hairbrush from his bed-side table and hurls it at the restful duvet monster.
"AH! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, MRS. COOPER, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO..." Howard shrieks very un-man-of-actiony as he sits bolt upright, his hands scrambling his duvet close to him as he gathers his breath back. "Wait...Oh."
Vince supreses his trade-mark snigger. Instead he rubs his eyes and gives an oscar-winning fake yawn.
"Can't sleep, 'Oward?" he asks when his room-mate has stopped panting in terror.
Howard looks across at him, suddenly going rigid; "Uh, yeah. That's right....You neither, ey?"
"Mmmm, not a wink." Vince confesses with a sleepy smile.
He watches as Howard settles himself back down, oblivious to Vince's weapon of choice that merely fell onto the bed when Howard nearly jumped out of his skin. He hears Howard sigh as he looks up at the artex ceiling.
"That'll teach you to stuff your face with sugar before bed-time, won't it." Howard berates.
"All I 'ad was a hot chocolate."
"A hot chocolate with around twenty custard creams to dunk in. Honestly, it's amazing how you've still got all your teeth."
"Yeah. Try telling that to the Tooth Fairy, bloody gold-digger." Vince tuts. He then remembers why he woke Howard up in the first place and his gut tightens; "Anyway, that ain't why I'm still awake."
"Mmmm? Why is it then?" Howard asks. Vince see's him closing his eyes and he can foresee him spilling his guts only to have Howard fall asleep half-way through his confession. Yeah, that sounded like a likely scenario for the two of them.
This was a bad idea.
"Nothin'." He mumbles, rolling over to face the ceiling as well. "S'not important."
His sudden secretiveness opens Howard's eyes again. Thinking that Vince is hiding something from him, no matter how menial, always stirs Howard's curiosity. Whether it's the ending to some childhood, Jungle Book-esque tale or where he's hidden one of his favourite records for 'fun'.
Vince hears a shuffle as Howard sits up in his bed; "C'mon then, what it is?"
"Seriously, it's nothin'. M'sorry. Just ignore me..."
It's those last two words that niggle at Howard and Vince knows it. Why, in a million years, would Vince ask anyone to ignore his presence? He knows he's betrayed himself and now Howard won't let it rest.
"What's wrong, little man? You know you can tell me anything."
And there it is. His biggest weakness. Two simple words that have him completely at Howard's mercy. Vince keeps looking up at the ceiling. He can hear his heartbeat begin to echo up to his ear-drums.
This is it. The moment has come. It was now or never.
Vince gulped, gripping the mattress cover beneath him; "....Whywon'tyouletmetouchyou?"
"...Sorry, didn't catch that. I got an B in German but not gobbildy-gook." Howard retorts lightly.
The electro boy closes his eyes. He could just leave it. Or make up anything as Howard wouldn't know otherwise. But he can't. He has to know.
"Why won't you let me touch you?" he asks, slower and clearer as if addressing a nervous public.
He hears Howard take in a breath. Vince had expected this. His question fell under the list of things Never To Be Questioned. Just after 'Why do we never admit our true ages?' and before 'Why has Bob Fossil never been institutionalized?'
"I uhm....well....why, uh...." the bumbling response shudders across the bedroom.
"Sometimes you touch me. If you're trying to stop me from doing something silly, or if I've done something to annoy you, or just if I'm upset and you don't realize it for a bit. But it's always been the same whenever I try and touch you. I've seen other people touch you and you never kick up a fuss. So...why is it just for me?"
Howard doesn't respond. Vince's stomach falls, having feared the real answer for ten years and tonight the truth was finally being admitted.
"...It's 'cause you think I'm ugly, ain't it?"
There's the sharpest intake of breath Vince thinks he's ever heard. So sharp it nearly punctures the air itself.
Sure, he's pretending to be shocked and appalled. He'll deny it for certain. But the truth is so obvious. Vince bites his lip as the expectant yet shameful tears fill his eyes. Ever since the beginning, since the very first 'don't touch me', had he suspected that above all other reasons. He remembers all the years of constantly changing, improving himself, making himself slimmer, dying his hair, trying to be as stunning as he could, becoming attractively cold like his beloved Gideon - it had all been for him. Every tight piece of clothing, every diet, every playful jibe, purely to be someone worthy to touch, cuddle and maybe even kiss Howard Moon.
"Vince, I...That's ridiculous! How can you think such a thing?" Howard questions, getting up out of his bed and to his feet.
"You're always acting like I'm not good enough. Whenever I ask you how I look, you're always calling me a tit or a silver prostitute - and yeah, those looks are in, but it's still the way you say it. And I know that's how we work, we tease and take the mick but...I know with me I'm just jokin'. But you act like you wish I'd never existed, like you wish I was someone else..." He fails to stop his voice from crackling at the end. He shuts himself up. Enough has been said.
Oh please, Jagger, don't let him come over to me. Please, I couldn't bear that...
Howard walks over and sits gingerly down on the edge of Vince's bed.
Fat lot of good you are! Vince curses to his deity. He keeps himself still beneath the covers, his heart now racing as the mattress dips with Howard's weight.
"I don't think you're ugly, Vince. I could never think that, not in a zillion years." Howard pledges, softly and slowly.
"...You're just saying that 'cause-"
"No." Howard places a finger on the smaller man's lips; "Listen to me for once, Sparkly Jim. You might think you're Mr. Perceptive but you clearly don't know as much as you think....You really wanna know why I don't let you touch me? And why I try not to touch you?"
Vince doesn't reply. He's too busy feeling Howard's finger brush his lips and staring at the brown eyes twinkling down on him in the splintered darkness.
Howard sighs, smoothing the back of his hand down Vince's cheek; "You dunno how hard it is just to be around you every day and have to stop myself from doin' something stupid. Somethin' that'll ruin our friendship and make you disgusted with me. Keeping what little barrier there is between us is the next best thing to keeping us from fallin' apart."
"But Howard, 'ave you not been paying attention to anything this series? We ARE falling apart. They all wonder why we're even still friends when we clearly don't act like it."
Howard runs a hand through his disheveled chocolate curls; "I have noticed. Trust me. But I'd rather be with you and have everything less than perfect than not be with you at all."
"...And why do you think that'll happen if you just let me cuddle you once in a while?" Vince hears the innocent regression in his voice. He's in awe at the fact that they're even having this conversation and Howard hasn't just brushed him off and told him to go to sleep. "Surely you'd prefer that rather than me being a bitch to you. What makes you think you'd lose me if I was allowed to get closer to you?"
Howard hangs his head; "Because...I don't deserve anyone as gorgeous as you to get close to me."
Now it's Vince's turn to be speechless. He sits up slowly, staring at Howard's inky outline in the darkness, able to read so much without even seeing a clear visual of his expression. He feels the fizzing sensation inside of him. He doesn't need Howard to say what he means by all of this because he knows it's the same as his own. For ten years, Howard has felt the exact same thing he's felt, though perhaps with a slightly more warped way of acting on it. He feels an urge to laugh at the irony but stops himself when he remembers the consequence of the last time he did that in a tender moment.
He shuffles forward and reaches out a hand slip around the back of Howard's neck. The older man raises his gaze to him and they merely look at each other for a silent moment, before pressing their foreheads together and creasing up in laughter.
"You spazz, Howard....'Ow could you think such a stupid thing?" Vince giggles, feeling Howard's warm breath upon his face.
"Me? What about you! You thought I thought you were ugly. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard....Wait," he stops laughing for a bit and holds Vince's upper-arm gently; "You thought that for all these years? And you never told me?"
Vince shrugs; "Just seemed to make the most sense. I 'ad no idea you thought I was....'gorgeous'" He titters with disbelief at the last word.
"How could I think anything else? Look at you..." his grip strokes down Vince's slender arms; "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, no matter how you ridiculous you look."
"Well 'ow could you think you didn't deserve me? Blimey, Howard, do you see the amount of people who flock to my door every day to try and be my best mate? You see how I could have my pick of any of them - people so much braver, funnier and better dressed - and throw you aside without as much as a 'see ya later'?"
"I hope you're going somewhere with this."
Vince beams, nuzzling the maverick's nose with his own; "I don't choose any of them, do I? I don't pick any of them to be my best mate. I spend a few hours with them a weekend for a laugh and to have a bit of fun in town and then I come back here. I come back for you. It's always you, you big ol' idiot, it always has been, always will be....'Cause I love you."
Howard's lips fall open like a goldfish; "....I love you too. I'm so sorry I made you feel this way for all these years."
"Don't be. I was just stupid to ask you until now and jumped to conclusions."
"We are both kind of idiots, aren't we?"
"You more than me." Vince gives a cheeky grin. Howard playfully cuffs him in the shoulder before pulling him in for a...Wait, it couldn't be!
Vince opens his eyes, wondering if he's slipped into the Twilight Zone; "Uh...Howard?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you...hugging me?"
The maverick stills slightly, obviously remembering himself. "I think I might be, yeah."
His arms are wrapped tight around the smaller man whose face is smooshed into the crook of his neck. One hand strokes Vince's shoulders whilst the other is placed on the small of his back. Vince had wondered for over ten years what properly cuddling Howard was like. Not just a fleeting hug or a silly, loose embrace when they were both too drunk to care. Vince slips his arms around Howard's middle and begins to snuggle against him as a contented smile draws its way across his face.
"Not bad for a first timer," Vince chuckles, "...Wonder what else you're good at on instinct."
Howard raises an eyebrow down at him. Somehow he doesn't foresee the rest of his boundaries surviving their way through the night.
Short and sweet. :) Reviews would be love.