Mmmkay, I'm still working on It Hurts to be Alone, but I had been working on this for quite awhile, and decided just to post it. It starts in Alex's POV then switches to Bobby's POV and so on and so forth. I really like this one, and I hope you do too.
It had all been a blur.
That night he gave me that weak promise. If you can even call it that.
That night I cried because I was losing him, and it was all my doing.
That night I finally felt his embrace. It was what I had imagined and more. It was meaningful, it was warm and comfortable.
That night I stood in shock while his lips gently grazed my cheek.
That night I died a little inside.
That night, I came home. I sat on the couch and cried, feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could call him and pretend I had a question about a case, when really it was just to hear his voice and "see you in the morning, night Alex." I lived on that. And now all I wanted to do was feed my addiction.
But I couldn't call him, what the hell would I even say? Sorry for firing you?
That's a great conversation starter.
If I told him I quit, because now I had no point to be there, there without him….he'd just lecture me. He'd think I'm crazy.
Maybe I am.
So I got done feeling sorry for myself and dragged myself to the kitchen. I don't remember what I drank; only it was strong. Hell, I didn't even know where it came from.
But I drank and drank. Cried and cursed. I broke.
And the rest it a blur.
I remember standing in front of my desk. Caught in a day dream.
Wait, dream? Ha, try nightmare.
It all replayed in my head, her words, her tears, my half assed "see you around", her standing there, numb.
Oh, god, when I hugged her.
When I kissed her cheek.
My mind was screaming for me too finally just show her how I feel and let my lips claim hers.
Then I remembered where I was and she just fired me. Not the most romantic scene eh?
And then I mumbled a few lame words so that probably ruined the romance too.
I swear to god, I'm such a screw up sometimes.
I stood there, grabbed a few things I needed when Zack came up.
"What's up?"
"I'm jobless."
"What happened?"
"My own partner fired me." My tone was an icy and bitter one.
"Knowing you two, I take it not willingly?"
"From what I've gathered, yeah."
"I'm sorry. I guess that explains why you're packing."
"Just what I need."
"Coming back tomorrow?"
"Probably not. I really don't want to step foot in this hell hole again."
"Can't say I blame you. Good luck Goren."
"Thanks, you too."
With that he walked away and I grabbed what I needed.
I sat in my car and drove around, I had nowhere to go. Until I laid my eyes on the perfect therapeutic release.
I walked in to the bar, and ordered a drink. I don't even remember what it was but it was strong as hell.
I ordered another, and another, and another, and another and-
Well you get the picture.
An outstanding citizen was kind enough to help me after I fell on my ass trying to walk out, get me a cab and send me home. I'm assuming he used some form of ID I had because the next day they were all there (everything was) but in the wrong spots.
Thank god we have some decent people left in the world or I would've remained on my ass till I sobered up. Which probably would've been awhile.
But I don't think it would've mattered.
It's not like I had anything anymore.
Life goes by in a blur.
The next morning I woke up, tangled up in the covers on my bed. My body was hot and cold. My hair was messy and tangled. My eyes felt worn. I made my way to my full-body mirror.
I gasped when I saw my beaten reflection.
My hair was messy. My cheeks where covered in tear stains. My eyes where bloodshot, puffy and red. Dark circles surrounded them. Altogether, I was a mess. I somehow kicked off my jeans and took off my shirt and put on T- shirt in my drunken state last night. My legs wobbled and I shook when I saw what T-shirt I had on.
Bobby's.
I don't even remember how I got it, I think it was by the lockers once and I accidently grabbed it. But that didn't matter, all the matters is I have it.
Before I knew what was happening, I felt my body hit the ground. I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes, I could feel them streaming down my face like a gushing river. I could hear my choked, tangled sobs ring throughout my silent house. I felt them get caught in my throat. I felt them break through. I watched my hands bring the shirt up to my face. It smelled like him, the faint smell of cigarettes (I remembering smelling them when he hugged me, even though he was supposed to quit like promised), aftershave, cologne and a wood-sy musk-sy smell. I breathed in deep, my head swirling with him. I felt the cool fabric pressed against me and my face melting into it.
Without any control whatsoever, I broke.
Again.
I don't know how long I lay there, only I fell asleep. Looking out the window, the crisp November sky had lost the pale sunshine that had lightly streamed in when I first woke up. It was replaced by bitter winds and darker skies. I stood up and ignored my image in the mirror. The clock next to my bed read 11:31.
I searched my mind for the date. Monday? No. Tuesday? Maybe- wait no. Wednesday? No, it was Thursday. I knew it was Thursday. Thursday the 5th- wait no, no Thursday November 6th.
It sounded right enough.
Then I could feel my throat close up as I processed the date again.
Every Thursday, Bobby and mine's favorite Chinese restaurant had some two for one lunch deal. We always took lunch about 11:30ish, beat the lunch crowd. He got chow mein and sweat and sour chicken. I got fried rice and sesame chicken. He gave me half his noodles; I gave him half my rice. We shared a side of egg rolls. He had a glass of water; I had iced tea, sweetened of course. Never changed. We would eat there other times and have new things, but Thursdays where always the same. Chow mein, fried rice, sweat and sour chicken, sesame chicken, egg rolls, water, sweet ice tea. Never anything else. It was the unspoken rule.
The same unspoken rule which I was breaking.
The same unspoken rule which eventually would wear and be forgotten, just like every other unspoken rule.
I was determined to forget, I had to. I couldn't spend the rest of my life on the floor crying. I'm not replacing him, no one could.
I just have to forget him.
It's only healthy right?
I mean why remember someone who probably won't remember you.
Why remember someone who ruined your hopes with a pathetic "see you around"?
Why remember someone you can't have?
I woke up, 11:00am still fully clothed. I ran a shaky hand over my face.
It was Thursday.
I used to wake up and smile, at work stare at the clock like a middle school child awaiting the ring of the final bell of the day and practically throw Eames her coat.
Sitting together for lunch, we didn't talk about work. We talked about more intimate things, our actual lives outside of work.
She talked about family a lot; I never had much too really contribute.
Work was my life really.
I was going to miss that, a lot.
But I still have memories, and a lot of them.
I'll do whatever it takes to keep them alive.
I make myself get in the shower.
I make myself put on decent clothes and some makeup.
I make myself eat.
I make myself smile.
I make myself not cry.
I make myself do this every day, my daily routine. Occasionally, I make myself do other things. Visit family; go to the store and stuff like that.
I make myself insane.
My family knows something is wrong; Liz used call every morning and night.
She asks stupid questions that get annoying. My voice has to be happier than a kid on Christmas or she assumes something's wrong.
Eventually she realized that my answers going to be the same.
"Yes I'm fine."
"No I wasn't crying."
"I swear nothing's wrong."
She didn't call much after that.
I don't talk to people much, the occasional phone call from family, a quick 'hello" and "how are you" to a couple neighbors and the small talk with the occasional stranger.
I turn on the TV, but my eyes drift off and the faintest image of him appears.
I snap back into reality, quicker every time.
I look forward to showering, I can cry there without even realizing.
My tears just mix with the water; pour down my face just the same.
I busy myself with books; I even spent a day baking.
I don't care what it is; he just can't be in my head.
Or I'll go even crazier.
Every Thursday, I go to our restaurant.
I order the same thing, half order sweet and sour chicken, half order sesame chicken. Half order chow mein, half order fried rice. A glass of water, and then I have a glass of sweetened tea. Oh and eggrolls of course.
Every time, the owner's wife (well, she's part owner too) sees me she calls to her daughter in the back.
"Lilly! Customer!" Her accent is strong; I think she moved to America.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Lilly always call back, perfect American voice with the ever so slightest hint of an Asian accent.
Then her mother yells in her native language and Lilly pretends to understand. She confessed to me once she had no clue what she was saying.
The first time I went there without Alex, the first thing Lilly did was asked where she was.
"Where's that partner of yours?"
"Long story."
"Ma's watching her soaps in on the TV in the back, I have time."
I told her everything.
Sometimes she talks to me; she's usually too busy with her fiancé or her little girl. I didn't even know she had one.
She's really the only person I associate with anymore.
I miss Alex so bad it hurts.
Every day I:
Wake up and drag myself out of bed.
Shower.
Get ready.
Eat a tiny breakfast.
Read or TV.
Eat a salad for lunch.
Busy myself till dinner, whether it's grocery shopping, reading or going for a run.
Eat dinner.
Watch TV.
Sleep.
I don't let myself think his name, or his face.
I don't let myself cry.
I don't let myself miss him.
I don't do those very well, no matter how hard I try.
Slowly, it's getting easier.
Very slowly.
Liz suggests I talk to a therapist again, like after what happened with Jo.
I dig out her number and make an appointment.
It gives me something to do.
I usually walk to and from lunch on Thursdays, help me exercise. I've actually lost some weight.
I have the shops over there memorized in order.
Shoe store, dentist, candy shop (I laughed at the irony in a dentist office next to a candy shop), the restaurant, therapy office and a candle shop.
I think that's the therapy office Alex used to go to.
I think about her so much, I wonder if she thinks about me.
I hope she does.
Today, I meet with my therapist again.
The receptionist, Gina smiled at me.
"Well hi there Alex! I thought you were doing better." She knew a little after I gave her a short summary of why I was here at first.
"New stuff." I gave a strained smile. She made a tsking noise and gave a small frown.
"You poor dear, is it that bad?" I could tell she wanted details; she did it with every person to walk in.
"My captain was murdered and I had to fire my partner, who used to be my best friend. Oh, I quit too."
"Oh my! I'm so sorry! Do you keep in contact with your old partner?"
Damn you Gina.
"I've been busy," I said slowly, "and so has he. It's not that we're mad at each other just-"
"Alex?" My therapist, Sarah poked her head out of her office and I smiled at Gina before dashing into her room.
"So Alex, why are you here?"
"My captain was murdered." I said dryly, my eyes scanning the room.
"I had heard about that, I'm terribly sorry."
"Thank you."
"How close where you two?"
"We weren't best friends or anything, but he was my captain, so you know." I couldn't quite explain my relationship with Ross.
"How upset would you rate yourself on a scale of one to ten?"
"About Ross?"
"What else?" She raised her eyebrows.
"Nothing."
"Alex…" She trailed off and reminded me of my mother, it was something she used to do when I in trouble
"There's nothing else." I said slowly, my voice defensive.
"Then why are you so defensive?" She sat back in her chair, and she looked kind of smug, probably because she just caught my lie.
I sighed; this was going to be one long session.
"Fine. Can we get back to Ross real quick?"
"By all means."
We discussed that, but once we had "made some progress concerning that area" she sat up a little straighter and looked me right in the eye.
"What else is wrong?"
I swallowed hard, this was my chance! My chance to finally speak his name, to discuss him. My chance that I had been secretly praying for.
"I had to fire my partner."
Sarah merely raised her eyebrows, a clue for me to go on.
"I don't think you want to hear what really led up to it, nothing really matters for the fact I had to do it."
"What happened when you fired him?"
"We kinda talked about it, I cried, he hugged me and k-kissed my cheek," my voice waved as I relived it all. "Then he just said 'see you around' and w-walked out."
"Have you kept in contact since then?"
"Not once."
"What happened after he just walked out?"
"I quit."
She raised her eyebrows, she was surprised this time.
"You quit over…" she paused; I think she was trying to remember his name.
"Bobby." The name was foreign but familiar to my tongue, it felt good to say.
"Mm, that's his name, I forgot. But you quit over him?"
"He was my partner, my best friend." I growled, "I didn't see any point in being there anymore."
"Alex, that tells me you see him as more than just a partner, or best friend."
I didn't say anything.
"You do, don't you?" She paused but then continued anyway, "You miss him a lot, in my personal opinion you came here with the intentions to talk about Bobby but covered it up by using Ross's death. That did affect you, what we talked about was all real and it helped, but not having Bobby is clearly hurting you."
"I m-miss him. S-so much."
I sobbed, cried and spilled my guts to Sarah; I even went 20 minutes over the session.
I walked out, still sniffling when I froze.
It was him.
I was outside the restaurant, smoking when I thought I heard sniffling. I turned around froze.
Alex.
Our eyes locked and I stood unsure for a minute. She'd been the one sniffling.
I walked towards her, she walked towards me.
"Hey there stranger." I smiled.
"Hey yourself." She smiled back and stepped closer to me
"You okay? Why the tears?"
"Just came from therapy, I thought it'd be helpful with everything that happened," she paused, "we talked about Ross."
"Oh, well it's good you're talking to someone to get help. But uh you know you can uh always talk to me."
"I know." She gave a light smile.
"How have you been?"
"As good as I can be, in this uh situation."
"Yeah, same."
'You still eat here?" She pointed to the restaurant.
"Yeah, we had a lot of memories. Good food too." I smiled and she laughed.
"A lot of good food."
"You look good, have you lost weight?"
"Just a little."
"Just a little?" I gave the slightest raise of my eyebrow and she blushed a little.
"I go to the gym sometimes, eat healthier. I thought you we're gonna stop smoking."
"I tried, honestly. Life's been…"
"A bitch?" She finished and smiled.
"Exactly." I smiled too. "How's work?"
I noticed her tense up and sigh.
"Bobby, I quit."
"Over me."
"Over how they screwed us all over."
"But you had a perfectly good chance!"
"But you weren't there."
What the hell did that mean?
What the hell did I just say?
'What do you mean?" He said slowly and I sighed.
"You where my partner for a long time, my best friend. Firing you, for work…it made me hate it. I couldn't do it."
"I wish you wouldn't try to always take care of me."
His words stung.
"You, you meant a lot to me. What was I supposed to do?"
"Not quit."
"I couldn't stay there!"
"I still don't understand why you would do that over me, for me."
Damnit that stung too.
Did he not see how much he meant to me?
"I didn't quit for you, I did it for myself." I walked away and felt him touch my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." His voice was quiet, "I just- I've been lost. Life's hell right now."
Was it ever.
"I miss you Alex. A lot."
I turned around.
There was a hint of wetness around his eyes and my heart broke.
"I miss you too." My voice was dry.
"I just, it hurts."
"I know the exact feeling."
"A New York City sidewalk isn't the best place for this conversation. How about over dinner?"
"Who's house?"
'I don't have groceries." He confessed with a sheepish smile. I laughed.
"I do."
"What time?"
"I'm not sure. You could come over early, help me cook."
"Sounds good. Just call when you're ready."
"Okay, Bye." I gave him and smile and small wave.
I missed him so much.
She called me at 5:00, right on the dot.
"Is spaghetti okay for dinner?"
"Perfect."
"I'm gonna start cooking, so you can come over whenever."
"Be right there."
"You can use your key if you still have it."
"I think I do." I lied, I was 100% sure I had it.
I was there by 5:30.
I decided to use the key like suggested, that way she didn't have to walk all the way over here. I twisted the key in the lock and pushed open. It mostly looked the same, a couple changes here and there. She had some Christmas decorations up, curtsey of her nieces and nephews I guess. She had music playing, I could hear her singing, but she stopped when she heard the door.
"Bobby?"
"Yeah, I just used my key." I called.
"I knew you had kept it." She replied, "I'm in the kitchen, go ahead and hang your coat up."
"Okay, "I did as she said and walked into the kitchen.
She had the radio playing, the sauce simmering on the stove and the noodles in boiling water. The kitchen smelt wonderful, and she was cutting vegetables for a salad I assumed.
I walked over behind her, flowers I picked up on my way home from lunch clutched tight in my right hand and looked over my shoulder.
"Salad?"
"Mhmm."
"Sounds good, do you need any help?"
"Let me think, sauce is cooking, noodles are boiling, garlic bread is already sliced and I just have to toss the salad. Oh! I made a cake, but I forgot to buy frosting!"
"I could go get some real quick." I suggested.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
I left before she could object. When I returned, I just used my key and walked into the kitchen. A smile played on my lips and a chuckle escaped when I saw her. The radio was blasting; she was singing and stirring the sauce while dancing.
"Having fun?" I asked
"Yeah," she answered, a small blush flushing across her cheeks.
"Did you get the flowers? I forgot to give them to you."
"Yes, they were beautiful. Thank you."
"No problem. Here's the frosting," I handed her triple chocolate frosting (like requested) and leaned against the counter.
"Thanks." She flashed a smile.
She frosted the cake and dinner finished cooking. She poured ice tea and served us both then sat down. The table was candle lit and the sun was lazily setting. The flowers bloomed brightly with a slight sweet aroma floating through the air. After the salad, she had me sit while she put the spaghetti and garlic bread on the table. I watched her dart back and forth, the skirt she put on whirling around.
We ate and talked about what we had been up to. I mentioned how I still went to the Chinese restaurant and she said she hadn't been able to go. I brought up the subject of therapy after we talked about that.
"How long have you been going back to see your therapist?"
"Today was my first session."
"Oh, do you plan on going back?"
"I don't know; we talked about Ross and another issue. But we talked about Ross and I feel much better about that."
"What about that other issue?" I asked, taking a sip of my tea.
"Oh that. After today I'm doing better with that."
"Breakthrough?"
"No, miracle."
"Describe said miracle." I said and she gave a small sigh.
"I guess I should explain the issue first," she took a sip of tea and set down her fork and I did the same "it was about you."
I froze.
"I hadn't seen you since the beginning of November, its mid-December now. I really missed you, and I just needed to talk to someone".
"You should've called me."
"It wasn't that simple," she gave me a small smile, "I felt like I had lost the person who meant so much to me. In my mind I figured I just had to try to move one. It didn't end so well."
"I kept meaning to call, I missed you too. I just-"
"You don't need to make an excuse, I didn't do anything either. All the matters are we're here now." She smiled and I smiled back.
Dinner continued.
Afterwards, I was helping her wash dishes when a new song started playing after commercials. Her face lit up.
"Oh I love this song!" She started humming and swayed lightly.
"Do you want to dance?" I asked my stomach turning with nervousness.
Her face lit up even more and she held out her hand.
He grabbed my hand and led me towards the middle of the floor. I wrapped my arms around him and he did the same. I rested my head against his chest and we made swayed back and forth.
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore
I hummed along and he pulled me in tighter. We spun around.
And love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart but please don't break it
Love was made for me and you
"This is a pretty song," he mentioned.
"I love it." I muttered into his chest.
Our eye's met and he spun my around, my skirt flouncing around.
"That skirt looks nice on you; I haven't seen you wear one for a while." He complimented.
"Thank you; I don't get many chances to wear it."
"It does look really nice; you should find some more chances."
Our eyes locked and I smiled.
"This is nice," I commented, resting my head back on his chest.
"Really nice, it's nice just to see you again." He cleared his throat, "I've missed you."
"I missed you so much it hurt."
"I think I know what that feels like. Almost like you're heart just hurts and there's this sinking feeling in your stomach?"
"Exactly like that." I sighed, "If I thought of you, it only made it worse so I tried to busy myself."
"It was the other way around for me; you're all I thought about." He paused for a minute, "I'm sorry for that night."
"What do you mean?"
"I made it sound like I didn't want to see you again; all I did was hug you and gave you some lame goodbye."
"That's not all you did, you kissed my cheek." I protested and I felt him give a small laugh.
"I thought you would forget about that."
"Of course not, you were my first partner to ever make a move on me like that." I teased and he laughed.
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore
"It is really nice to be doing this, just dancing." I said.
"It is really nice just to be here with you." He said and I looked up and met his eyes, "I know I've said this like a million times, but I missed you like crazy Alex."
"Oh Bobby, I've missed you so much too."
"At least we have now," he murmured into my hair.
"Thank god. Too bad the songs almost over."
"It is?"
"Yeah."
"That is too bad; it's a really nice song. Well just because it's over doesn't mean I have to let go right?"
"I'm fine staying like this." I laughed and I looked up to see him smile.
"Good."
Our eyes met, but this time I was determined not to break the gaze. I pressed myself closer to him and could feel his arms tighten. Eyes still locked in trance; he slowly brought his head down. First our foreheads lightly smashed together and the tips of our noses touched.
Then his lips met mine. They were soft and gently pressed against mine. I felt my eyes close and slightly parted my lips, as did he. The kiss depended and slowly our tongues met and danced a slow yet passionate dance. He ran his fingers on his right hand slowly through my hair, bringing them down every so often too lightly graze my cheek. His other hand held my face and his thumb lightly traced over my face.
When we finally broke apart, our foreheads instantly met and the tips of our noses touched.
"I love you. We both said at the same time.
And love is all that I can give to you
Love, love, love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart but please don't break it
'Cause love was made for me and you
I said love was made for me and you
You know that love was made for me and you
That night, I held her in my arms while she slept, my fingers lightly tracing over her soft skin. I watched her give the slightest shivers in her sleep as my finger slowly ran down her shoulder and her side. My eyes were slowly setting and as I pulled her closer, I let myself sleep.
When I woke up, she had somehow turned towards me and her face was buried in my chest. My eyes were adjusting to the bright December light streaming in when hers suddenly blinked open.
"Good morning."
"Morning." She yawned and nuzzled her face closer to me.
"Tired still?"
"No, just cold," as if on cue, she gave a shiver. "See?"
I gave a light laugh, "I see." I pulled the blankets over her more and she sighed a content sigh.
"I could stay here all day."
"So could I," I planted kisses in her hair, "so could I."
"But as comfy as this is, I'm also starving." I laughed and she pointed to my side of the bed, "Could you grab me your t-shirt on the floor?"
"Sure," I picked it up and handed it to her and she smiled.
"Thanks." She said before pulling the shirt over her once nude body. "Hey, what time is it?"
"Uh-"I checked her alarm clock, "about 11:00."
"11:00?" Her eyes widened and I gave a small smirk.
"Yes 11:00, we were busy last night."
A wicked grin appeared on her face, "busy doesn't even begin to describe it."
We walked into our once again usual Thursday lunch destination. Spring was in bloom now, the air had lost its crisp hold and the skies had regained color. Trees and other plants showed signs of life again and little flower buds appeared everywhere. Light winds replaced bitter, chilly winds that had felt like a slap in the face.
We told Lilly her daughter looks cute, like always and then her daughter gives a small wave.
We sit in the same spot.
We ordered the usual too.
Sometimes, we venture out of our comfort zone and try new things, but not often.
I learned that you make memories and smiles for a reason, and it's stupid to throw away it all. I learned that you can't spend your life pretending to smile and laugh, you have to actually do it.
But the most important thing I learned?
You can't let life go by in a blur.
So I always thought Micheal Buble was the guy who owned L.O.V.E (I think that's what it's called, but it's obviously the song I used) because I watched the Parent Trap with Lindsay Lohan before she became a major screw up, and I thoughthe's the one who sings it there. But anyway, I was looking for it on Youtube and it turns out, it's a Frank Sinatra song. So I'll just give them both credit because either way, I'm still pretty confused...
How was your religious holiday you celebrated this month? Since there is like three of them, I just feel that's a easier way to ask(: Guess who's coming back in March? Goren and Eames baby! Woowhoooo!
But I swear to god, if they dont have at least one makeout session or it doesn't end with an engagement or realtionship...I will be so pissed off it's not even funny.
Review! (: