Buster Loves Ashley

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Buster's disappointment over not having a girlfriend ends up leading to Ashley asking him out. Meanwhile, inspired by a 1970s action show, RK and KG decide to start their own detective agency.

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 21

Airdate: June 3, 2018

"Buster Loves Ashley"

Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise

#TYH621

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is watching TV one night when Buster walks in. He sits on the couch and doesn't say anything.

SPARKY: Buster, what's up?

Beat.

SPARKY: Buster, are you okay? How was your date yesterday?

BUSTER: Huh? Hey Sparky, have you ever really sat down and thought about the ramifications of continental collision?

SPARKY: So the date was a waste of time, wasn't it?

BUSTER: Yeah, I was trying not to talk about it. That's why I had to improvise. I don't even know what I just said.

SPARKY: So what was so bad about it?

BUSTER: Well, first of all, the movie started twenty minutes late because some idiot spilled soda all over the thing that controls the projector. Then the girl I was with kept talking while the movie was playing.

SPARKY: You don't remember her name?

BUSTER: I don't know. Allison? Julie? Esther? Who cares? She didn't like me anyway.

SPARKY: Well, you dodged a bullet. Nobody likes a movie talker. I was once like your date.

BUSTER: Really? How did you deal with it?

SPARKY: Halley threatened me by saying she'll start going out with Manny. Two days later, you would have never even guessed that I talked about Grandpappy MacDougal's war days while the theater was telling me to shut my mouth.

BUSTER: Halley's something else. I wish I could go out with her.

SPARKY: Yeah, but I'm kinda working on that right now.

BUSTER: I mean, a girl like her. Someone who's sweet and warm and doesn't make me feel like a loser.

SPARKY: This sucks, man. Everybody has girlfriends but you, and God's just sitting up there being cool with it.

BUSTER: At least Jaylynn's not taken. Girls won't touch her either.

SPARKY: I think Jaylynn's situation is a little more complicated. But you shouldn't give up, Buster. You're going to find the perfect girl sooner than you think.

BUSTER: Yeah, but how soon? One day, I'm going to be one of those old men who never clips their toenails and sleeps on park benches covered in marinara sauce. I at least want to have a girlfriend before that.

SPARKY: Well, one thing I would suggest is you stop going after girls you don't know and start going after girls you do.

BUSTER: I don't know. I could never do that to Wade.

SPARKY: I mean, girls you know who don't have boyfriends.

BUSTER: That could work. Alright, I'll give it a shot, but I don't see it working out, Sparky.

SPARKY: Trust me. It will.

Beat.

SPARKY: Wait, you seriously have the hots for Adriana?

BUSTER: Of course. She's worldly.

SPARKY: What about Anna?

BUSTER: She reminds me way too much of RK. It's like having a crush on your weird cousin.

SPARKY: Oh.

BUSTER: Yeah, and now I have a gross mental picture I can't get rid of.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG are watching TV that same night.

KG: So is there any show you want to see tonight?

RK: No, everything sucks. Hey, look, The Simpsons.

KG: Really?

RK: Hey, I don't get to watch a lot of Simpsons. Besides, this one looks new.

KG: I don't think you'll want to watch this episode.

RK: Why not? Look at the description. "Homer and Marge try to find new ways to spice up their marriage. Meanwhile, Lisa tries to keep Bart from getting in trouble at school." Sounds interesting.

KG: Trust me, you've watched that episode before.

RK: Okay, Mr. TV Expert, what do you wanna watch?

KG: Channel three is showing Billy Rocket Man, Detective for Hire. Sweet, a spy show!

RK: Dude, channel three is nothing but old shows from the 60s and 70s. Do we look like two old ladies trying to relive our glory days?

KG: Maybe you do, but I actually take care of my body. Let's just watch five minutes and see what we think.

KG changes the channel to Billy Rocket Man. Billy walks into the office of the police chief with a manila folder.

BILLY: Chief, I just figured out the location of Jimmy "The Shark" Palmer. Turns out he likes to eat six chocolate donuts at the loading dock every night, right before he meets with his suppliers to get dangerous cocaine from foreign waters.

CHIEF: Billy, do you always have to talk like you're in some lame movie?

BILLY: Is there any other way to talk? Look, that cocaine is going to destroy our neighborhoods. We have to move fast before Jimmy gets to it!

CHIEF: Billy, I'm sorry, but...you're not working this case.

BILLY: What?

CHIEF: This case is one of the biggest this year. It's cocaine, and you're still an unproven freelance detective. I'm sorry, but it's not going to work out.

BILLY: Okay, I see. Chief, could you just allow me to make one thing clear to you?

CHIEF: I guess.

Billy removes one of his gloves and slaps the police chief across the face with it.

BILLY: How dare you talk to me like that? I'm ALWAYS on the case! You can't solve a drug bust without Billy Rocket Man! Put me on the case!

CHIEF: You're not on the case, Rocket Man.

BILLY: I'm on the case!

Beat.

CHIEF: Okay, you're on the case.

BILLY: Already knew that.

RK: Damn, this Billy Rocket Man really knows how to get his way.

KG: Yeah, I almost feel like I just got hit with the glove.

The scene cuts to Jimmy eating a donut at the loading dock.

JIMMY: Just have to wait a bit more and all that powder will be mine.

BILLY: I don't think so, Palmer!

Billy emerges from the water and climbs onto the dock with an unchanging expression of anger. Oddly enough, Billy is completely dry.

BILLY: This is your last night selling drugs to unsuspecting minorities!

JIMMY: Billy Rocket Man? Look, Bill, you don't get it, this cocaine makes money. And that money makes money. Isn't America great for that?

BILLY: What did you just call me?

JIMMY: Uh, Bill?

BILLY: NOBODY CALLS ME BILL!

Billy punches Jimmy in the face and pulls out his handcuffs. Jimmy then knees Billy in the crotch, drags him to the boat house and handcuffs him to a pole.

JIMMY: You're finished, Rocket Man. You can't stop a shark from smelling blood in the water.

BILLY: You'll never win, Palmer!

JIMMY: I'm not the one with mangled genitals, am I?

Jimmy cackles and starts eating more donuts. Off-screen, a bizarre chewing sound is heard and Billy reappears with part of the now-broken handcuffs attached to his wrist.

JIMMY: You got out of the handcuffs?!

BILLY: It's a Rocket Man thing.

JIMMY: That doesn't make any sense!

Billy punches Jimmy a couple times in the face and pretty soon, they are engaging in a fist fight. Jimmy throws a crate at Billy's head, but he kicks it to pieces and then flies in the air as he punches Jimmy in the face. Jimmy starts stumbling as he is about to fall into the water. Billy recognizes this.

BILLY: Hey, Palmer, what's the number one killer of the great white shark?

JIMMY: Huh?

BILLY: A detective with the mind of an orca whale!

Billy gives Jimmy a roundhouse kick while yelling "ROUNDHOUSE!" and Jimmy falls into the water. He then screams for help.

BILLY: Never seen a shark that couldn't swim. Pitiful.

RK: Oh my God.

KG: I know. I feel like we should have watched this whole episode though.

RK: Please, like that matters. Billy Rocket Man might be the greatest detective I've ever seen.

KG: You down for a night of binge watching?

RK: Did Anna slap me hard across the face for showing up late to her birthday party?

KG: Wait, why were you late?

RK: I can't do anything about the traffic in this city, man!

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster is sitting by his locker the next day when Jaylynn walks up to him.

JAYLYNN: Hey Buster, what's going on?

BUSTER: Jaylynn, I'm about to ask you something that I never thought I would ask you.

JAYLYNN: Damn, I don't even have a joke for this one. What's your question?

BUSTER: Could you set me up on a date?

JAYLYNN: Qué deseas?

BUSTER: I want you to set me up on a date.

JAYLYNN: How do you know what I said?

BUSTER: I heard it on Dora the Explorer the other day. I can't believe people actually hate that show. But could you help me or not?

JAYLYNN: I mean, I'm just shocked. I guess I always dreamed about you asking me this, but I never thought you would.

BUSTER: Trust me, man, this is serious business.

JAYLYNN: Why do you want me to set you up?

BUSTER: Because girls are pretty and they smell nice and I'm tired of being alone. Besides, Sparky told me I should start going after girls I know. There's only one problem.

JAYLYNN: What?

BUSTER: The girls know me. Being Buster has its disadvantages.

JAYLYNN: Aw, Buster, you shouldn't need a girl to be happy. You're funny and sensitive and smart. You're like a big teddy bear.

BUSTER: Sometimes, I wish you didn't like girls and I liked you so we could be boyfriend and girlfriend.

JAYLYNN: See? It's stuff like that that makes you a special person. You know what? Let me see what I can do and I'll get back to you.

BUSTER: Is that code for I'm an ugly bum and you're not going to promise me anything?

JAYLYNN: What? No! I'm seriously going to find you a girl.

BUSTER: Good, because I would have fought you right here in public. I'm not afraid, son.

JAYLYNN: You're like Anja if she was a boy. It's so cute.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Boy's Bathroom

Seattle, Washington

RK whistles "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder as he walks into the bathroom stall. He then puts his backpack on a hanger, but not before taking out a Subway sandwich from it. He starts to open it, but then he gets a phone call.

RK: Who is that calling me? What kind of shit?

RK takes out his phone and sees who it is. He then answers it.

RK: What's up, KG?

KG: Dude, you have to drop what you're doing and come home. There's an episode of Billy Rocket Man where Billy goes undercover as a gang member!

RK: I can't just come home. I'm having lunch in the bathroom.

KG: Why are you eating in the bathroom?

RK: Because when you have a Subway sandwich and you have my friends, you're only five seconds away from getting your ass beat. I still remember what happened last time.

Cut to a flashback of RK trying to eat his Subway sandwich while the gang looks at the sandwich with big open-mouthed smiles. RK is visibly uncomfortable.

RK: Yeah, I'm just gonna...gonna just pack up my sandwich and, uh...you know...

RK screams and runs away with his sandwich while the guys chase him through the back door of the cafeteria. Cut back to the present day.

RK: Just record the episode, man. I'll watch it later. And shouldn't you be in school too?

KG: I don't have to tell you everything about my life. Look, bro, we finally have something to do together as brothers. What would you rather do? Watch a dope show or sit around in school doing work and stepping on gum in the hallway?

RK: You know what? You're right. Since when is TV not my highest priority? I'll be there soon.

RK hangs up and then wraps up his sandwich. Cut to Manny entering the bathroom and RK leaving at the same time.

MANNY: RK, you blew up the toilet and you're not even going to wash your hands? That's gross, man.

RK: I wasn't using the bathroom, I was on a call. Did you hear the toilet flush? Did you hear piss and shit go inside the bowl? Did you hear me reaching for toilet paper after I finished my bowel transaction?!

MANNY: No, but...

RK: Then shut up and stop harassing me before I have you arrested.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Jaylynn is drinking from the water fountain when she overhears Sanna and Ashley talking.

ASHLEY: No, but that quiz was way too hard. Why can't I drop out of school?

SANNA: Because you're ten years old and nobody will hire you? Unless it's some sweatshop.

ASHLEY: I don't know, my hands are too small for that.

JAYLYNN: Hey, what's up, ladies?

SANNA: Hey Jaylynn, how's it going?

JAYLYNN: How would one of you guys like to go on a date with Buster?

SANNA: Okay, that was unexpected.

JAYLYNN: Look, Buster's been feeling kinda down lately. He's starting to think girls don't want to touch him, so I was hoping you could do him a favor.

ASHLEY: A favor? Jaylynn, I don't think Buster's gonna like that.

JAYLYNN: He doesn't have to know. Just think of it as a friendly date. Besides, you both know Buster's a great guy.

SANNA: Yeah, it's true. But I wouldn't feel right doing it.

ASHLEY: If I can make Buster happy by going out with him, I'll do it.

JAYLYNN: That's my girl. Sanna, you're starting to look a little funny.

SANNA: What are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: I mean, Ashley's out here doing what she needs to do. That's the Dominican sisterhood. No wonder you were never down with the Masters.

SANNA: I wasn't even here when you started your little group!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but you're here now and you're still not in it.

ASHLEY: Yeah, Sanny, what's up with that?

SANNA: I thought I told you to stop calling me that.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG are watching Billy Rocket Man. On the TV, Billy is shown dressed like a member of a dangerous street gang, and he has infiltrated the gang's undercover headquarters.

GANG LEADER: It has to come to my attention that there is a mole amongst us. An informant trying to get vital information and use it against us.

BILLY: That's insane. We have to kill that man.

GANG LEADER: The thing is, I already have a hunch on who the informant might be.

BILLY: Well, that can wait. In the meantime, I still want to know how you guys were able to take down the butcher shop owner last night. What weapons did you use? Who was in on it?

GANG LEADER: See, it can't wait because the way I'm look...

The gang leader roundhouse kicks Billy in the head, much to everyone's shock.

GANG LEADER: Billy Rocket Man, you just had to test me, didn't you?

GANG MEMBER #1: Billy Rocket Man?

GANG MEMBER #2: Billy?

GANG MEMBER #3: No wonder he was asking about the best places to loot.

GANG LEADER: It's over, Rocket Man.

The gang leader pulls out a switchblade.

GANG LEADER: You never should have messed with the Brown Scorpions.

BILLY: Look, guys, you're on the wrong path. Committing petty crimes, assaulting people. I've been down your road before. It leads to a life of isolation and incarceration. That's why I had to join the force. I can help you turn your whole life around.

GANG LEADER: Well, that's an interesting offer. But I don't care about it.

The gang leader runs towards Billy with the switchblade but Billy tosses a barrel at the blade, making it crack in half. Billy then gives the gang leader a flying kick to the head during the confusion. The other gang members run towards Billy one-by-one, and they all are knocked unconscious by one kick. Billy hears police sirens as he takes out his handcuffs. Dissolve to later on where the Brown Scorpions are being taken away. The police chief shoves Billy.

POLICE CHIEF: What the hell is wrong with you, Rocket Man? You inserted yourself into a high-profile criminal investigation! You could have been killed!

BILLY: Chief, I understand you're looking out for me. But I did what I had to do. As a detective, this world needs me a lot more than I need it.

POLICE CHIEF: I should have you arrested for interfering like this!

BILLY: But I solved the problem, chief.

Beat.

POLICE CHIEF: You're something else, Rocket Man.

KG: I wonder how big this show was back in the day.

RK: I bet it was huge. Billy was probably on cereal boxes and trading cards. Maybe he got his own shitty cartoon that got cancelled after six episodes.

KG: You know, this could be us. Going around town solving crimes and kicking ass.

RK: You want us to become detectives?

KG: Yeah, why not? I mean, Seattle has always had problems. You know, beyond just being Seattle.

RK: Of course. We could be just like Billy Rocket Man. The Jennings Detective Agency.

KG: I like it. So we're in business?

RK: You're damn right. Let's clean up this cesspool of a city.

KG: Alright. Now what we need are business cards, outfits, theme music, maybe a Facebook page...

The camera widens to reveal RK holding up two beige trenchcoats.

RK: Don't have to worry about the outfits.

KG: Wait, where did you get those detective uniforms?

RK: In my room.

KG: So you just happen to have detective uniforms lying around in your room?

RK: Have you ever been inside my closet? I have clothes for everything. An evening out on the town, cooking classes. I even have a Mickey Mouse costume. I don't wear it anymore, it creeps out a lot of people.

SCENE 7

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is watching TV when he hears the doorbell. He goes to answer it and sees Ashley.

BUSTER: Hey, Ashley, what's up? Are you looking for those jeans you loaned me?

ASHLEY: Buster, I never loaned you any jeans.

BUSTER: Why do I always feel like I asked you for jeans, and you gave them to me?

ASHLEY: It's hard to know anything when you take drugs.

BUSTER: What?

ASHLEY: Nothing. So, I wanted to know if you were doing anything this Friday.

BUSTER: I probably won't know until then. Usually, me and the guys just sit around Sparky's couch recapping shit.

ASHLEY: Well, would you like to do something with me?

BUSTER: I don't see why not. Like, movies or Ike's or the park?

ASHLEY: I was thinking we could get something to eat and then go back to my place.

BUSTER: Kinda sounds like a date, Ash.

ASHLEY: Well, it is. You know, if that's okay with you.

Buster gets a blank expression on his face.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Buster, this is a life or death situation. Ashley Rodriguez just asked you out. You have to handle this like one of those smooth guys in the beer commercials.

BUSTER: So, um...what are you drinking?

ASHLEY: What?

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): No, I don't mean, quote the actual commercial. I mean, just play it cool. Maybe this is a trap, but don't act like it is.

At that point, an angel version of Buster appears on his left shoulder.

ANGEL BUSTER: Buster, you can't say yes to this date. If Ashley's coming to your house out of nowhere, she might be trying to set you up. This could be big trouble.

BUSTER: But look at how cute she is!

A devil version of Buster appears on his right shoulder.

DEVIL BUSTER: Buster, stop listening to that loser and grow some balls. You need to take this chance and live a little. Oh, and buy a condom.

BUSTER: I'm nine.

DEVIL BUSTER: In other countries, kids work for pennies and ripped-up overalls. The world doesn't see you as innocent as you think it does.

ASHLEY: Buster, are you okay?

BUSTER: I don't want to buy a condom!

ASHLEY: Huh?

ANGEL BUSTER: Stop pressuring the boy, he has to think about this.

DEVIL BUSTER: I don't have to stop doing anything. If he was smart enough, he would get this action.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Will you say yes to the date, motherf***er?!

DEVIL BUSTER: Dude, please stay out of this.

ANGEL BUSTER: Yeah, you're kinda stepping all over what we're doing here.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): I WAS HERE FIRST!

BUSTER: Will you guys all shut the hell up?! Ashley, I...

Cut to a shot of the doorway. Ashley is nowhere to be found. Buster walks outside and sees Ashley quickly walking away.

BUSTER: Ashley, wait!

Buster runs towards Ashley, who stops walking.

BUSTER: Yes. I say yes to that date.

ASHLEY: Are you sure? I don't want to pressure you into saying that.

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm sure. I just had to talk to myself about it first.

ASHLEY: Okay, see you on Friday.

BUSTER: See you, old girl.

Ashley gives Buster a weird stare before walking away. Buster slaps himself in the face and walks back home. At that point, angel and devil Buster reappear.

BUSTER: You guys almost cost me a girl for the fourth time!

ANGEL BUSTER: Sorry, man.

DEVIL BUSTER: We were just trying to help you out.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): I'm not apologizing. You should have said yes when you had the chance, dumbass.

BUSTER: How are you meaner than the devil?

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

The next day, Sparky and Buster are talking near their lockers.

BUSTER: I just don't get it, man. Why would Ashley ask me out on a date?

SPARKY: Maybe she just really likes you.

BUSTER: Me? Ashley's smart, pretty, has beautiful silky hair. Girls like that don't just come to a Buster.

SPARKY: You need to give yourself more credit than that. You're the best guy I know, and Ashley sees that.

BUSTER: Or maybe there's a plot.

SPARKY: A plot?

BUSTER: Yeah. Maybe the government created a clone that's just like Ashley to lure me into their secret underworld chambers, in their six-point plan to destroy America.

SPARKY: What are the other five points?

BUSTER: Other than destroying buildings and keeping the poor from getting more money, I have nothing else.

RK walks towards the boys wearing his trenchcoat, along with black boots and a cowboy hat.

RK: What's up, boys? Keeping your nose clean?

*to Buster* SPARKY: Do you want to ask or me?

BUSTER: I guess I will. RK, why are you dressed like a cowboy policeman?

RK: I'm a detective now. KG and I are opening up our own agency. We're going to fight crime, kick ass, and make millions of dollars.

SPARKY: How are you going to make millions?

RK: Endorsements. Once people hear about us, we're going to do big business.

BUSTER: Well, if you're a detective now, could you figure out why Ashley would ask me out?

RK pretends to talk into a tape recorder, adopting a deeper voice similar to an old-school radio announcer.

RK: Buster Newman, a nine-year-old boy living in Seattle. For years, he's been shafted by girls until he hit the big score when Ashley Rodriguez made plans with him. What's the reasoning? What's it for? This is...his moment of truth.

Beat.

SPARKY: What the hell are you doing?

RK: I don't have a real tape recorder. This is the best I can do.

BUSTER: So what did Wade say when he saw you?

RK: He looked at me for three seconds and walked away.

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later that day, Adriana is looking through Wade's phone.

ADRIANA: You know, you have almost no pictures of yourself, Wade.

WADE: Why would I? I already know what I look like.

Buster walks inside at that point.

WADE: Is that you, Buster?

BUSTER: You sensed my presence?

WADE: No, it was just a lucky guess.

ADRIANA: Buster, could you please tell Wade that he's handsome and the world needs to see more pictures of him?

BUSTER: I don't think it's my place to say. Maybe Wade knows how handsome he really is, so what's the point of taking pictures? It's like taking chili cheese fries and putting honey mustard on them.

WADE: See? Buster understands me. So what could I do for you?

BUSTER: I'm having some girl trouble.

WADE: Yeah, I've been there.

Adriana gives Wade an annoyed look.

WADE: With other girls that have never been you.

Adriana smiles.

BUSTER: Well, yesterday, Ashley came to my condo and asked me out. On a date.

WADE: Wait, Ashley asked you out.

BUSTER: Yes, she asked me out.

WADE: Our Ashley asked you out?

BUSTER: What other Ashley could it be? Ashley Benson? Ashley Tisdale? Because they both would be in jail if they ever did that.

ADRIANA: Well, I guess Ashley has a crush on you.

WADE: I don't know, Adriana, this is weird. Ashley's never even been close to Buster like that, and all of a sudden, she wants to go out with him?

ADRIANA: Hey, life is weird. Maybe Ashley always liked Buster, but she just didn't know the right time to say something. I mean, what, do you expect a girl to tell you how she really feels all the time?

BUSTER AND WADE: Yes.

ADRIANA: See, this is why I'm here, so I can put you guys up on the game.

WADE: So what did you tell Ashley?

BUSTER: I said yes, but now I'm thinking I made a mistake. Ashley's great, but she's my friend. I can't date my friends. It's unnatural. It would be like me wanting to go out with one of you.

WADE: Please don't picture what that would be like.

ADRIANA: Buster, you can't think every girl you like will be a stranger. Sometimes, you like somebody you know and that's okay. It doesn't make it weird.

BUSTER: Yeah, but...oh my God, you're right. This is what Sparky wanted me to do in the first place. Find somebody I already knew. Now I have no choice.

WADE: Just get through the date and don't look back. Who knows? Ashley probably won't be interested in going out again.

BUSTER: I see what you mean. I should ruin the date so Ashley won't think about doing stuff with me.

ADRIANA: No, don't do that. She'll probably just start ignoring you and you won't be friends anymore. At the end of the date, just tell her you're not interested and you guys are better off staying friends. She'll understand and nobody's feelings will get hurt.

BUSTER: Damn, that might be the greatest advice of all-time. Thanks, Adriana. I'm going to get through this date like it's nothing.

ADRIANA: Happy to help.

Buster leaves the house at this point.

WADE: Bye to you too. How come he didn't give me credit?

ADRIANA: Because you didn't do anything. By the way, why was Halley calling you at 9:45 last night?

WADE: It was about the homework! You know what? Pull out your phone. We're going through it right now.

ADRIANA: I don't wanna.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG have on their detective uniforms.

KG: You ready to fight some crime, bro?

RK: No.

KG: What? How can you not be ready for this? This is our time to shine!

RK: I'm just saying, we need codenames. Something to give our detective personas that next level shit.

KG: Okay, I see what you mean. Call me Mystic Masterpiece.

RK: Dude, what the f*** kind of name is that?

KG: It's spiritual.

RK: It's hipster garbage. We need something rugged, something tough. My codename's going to be Bulldog.

KG: You're not tough enough to be a bulldog. A pussycat, maybe.

RK: Look, are we going to argue over detective names or go fight some crime?

KG: Now you're talking. Let's hit the town.

SCENE 11

Seattle, Washington

("Let Me Ride" by Dr. Dre plays on KG's car radio as he and RK patrol the city looking for mysteries to solve and crime to clean up. RK pretends to talk into a tape recorder again.)

RK: This city isn't what it used to be. Crime all around, hookers and crackheads taking over, police spending the money of taxpayers on guns. We're at war. An infinite war. But somewhere over the rainbow, two brave souls decided to take the chance and clean up their city.

KG: RK, are you talking to me?

RK: No, I'm just doing my narration.

Beat.

RK: I really need to buy a damn tape recorder.

KG: Hey, look, two guys are fighting in that alley!

RK looks to the side and sees a brawl between two men.

RK: Is this really a case for us?

KG: Well, if we figure out why this fight's going on, we can trace the clues back to the source. This is probably deeper than we think.

RK: Well, let's do it.

RK and KG walk out of the car and approach the two men.

KG: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

MAN #1: What are these two punk-ass kids doing here?

MAN #2: Like hell if I know. And don't scream at me like that again or I'll make sure you're breathing through a tube.

MAN #1: That's why your wife left you.

MAN #2: And that's why until you give up the Doritos, you'll never get married, fat ass.

RK: Look, gents, maybe we can help. I'm Detective Jennings and this is my older brother Detective Jennings. We're trying to clean up crime on the streets.

MAN #2: Well, ask this piece of shit why he stole $5,000 from my savings account.

MAN #1: Is it my fault you gave me your information?

KG: Dude, you played yourself doing that.

RK: Okay, why did you steal that money?

MAN #1: I needed to pay off an old debt. I bet five grand that Kevin Durant would never win a championship in Golden State.

KG: So what I'm getting here is that you both are idiots. Why are you fighting? You need each other.

RK: KG, please.

KG: Dude, no, this is crazy. They're two halves of a whole dumbass.

The camera cuts to the two men, offended and disgusted. It then cuts back to an annoyed RK staring at a nervous KG.

KG: It worked for Billy.

Cut to RK and KG running out of the alley while the two men chase after them.

SCENE 12

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

A few days later, Buster is combing his hair and preparing for his date. Sparky is on the couch.

BUSTER: I can't believe I'm going out with Ashley. I feel like I was given a million dollars that I didn't earn and they're going to kill me before the night's over.

SPARKY: Buddy, you have to stop being paranoid. Ashley asked you out, so just have fun and don't think about it too much.

BUSTER: Is this what you felt like when you dated Halley for the first time?

SPARKY: Oh, hell yeah. I was nervous like it was nobody's business. But then I realized Halley was just a person like me. She puts her socks on one leg at a time.

BUSTER: Sparky, I'm not going to be impressed because Ashley knows how to put on some socks.

SPARKY: Look, Buster, you're the best person I know, and I feel like you deserve to be happy more than anyone else. Just remember one thing.

BUSTER: Stay safe? Don't worry, I won't be doing that stuff until college.

SPARKY: No, not that. I just don't want you to put Ashley on a pedestal. I did that when I got with Halley and she hated it. You're both on the same level.

BUSTER: I guess that makes sense. Thanks, Sparks. And just so you know, even if Ashley does know how to put on her socks, I won't give her any props.

SPARKY: I wouldn't want you to.

SCENE 13

The Rodriguez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Buster and Ashley are watching TV.

BUSTER: I'm surprised you didn't wanna go anywhere.

ASHLEY: Well, I know you do this all the time, so I wanted to make sure you were comfortable. Plus, I'm tired. Sigh. I hate school sometimes.

BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Dude, that's Ashley's signature move. This is where you take the bait.

BUSTER: How would you even know that?

ASHLEY: What?

BUSTER: Sorry, I'm just annoying myself again. But how does it feel hating school when you're so good at it?

ASHLEY: I mean, it's just a lot of work. I'm doing something for the science fair, I have two essays coming up, I just finished taking my math test. Plus, I was thinking about getting into student council.

BUSTER: Damn, you're going to kill yourself doing all that work. You should slow down.

ASHLEY: No, I've always been like this. I don't want to be an average person just getting by. I want to do it all so I don't regret anything. Sanna thinks I'm crazy, but then I'm like, "Well, that's why you're failing history."

BUSTER: I wish I could do what you do. But I can't.

ASHLEY: Why not?

BUSTER: Sparky and Wade already have it taken care of. They're like robots when it comes to school. I could never be as good as them.

ASHLEY: At least you're not RK.

BUSTER: Yeah, but RK's just lazy. He only hates school because it's funny. I don't have it in me to get As all the time.

ASHLEY: You can get all the As you want, Buster. All it takes is believing in yourself and working hard.

BUSTER: Are you going to tell me to follow my dreams too?

ASHLEY: Hey, I'm just trying to help.

BUSTER: I know, I know. It's just that I can't believe you asked me out. You've never liked me before. What changed?

ASHLEY: I always kinda did. I just never said anything.

BUSTER: Really?

ASHLEY: Yeah, but it was never anything serious. Plus, I don't like talking to boys like that. School is more important to me.

BUSTER: Is that why you only dated that guy for one summer?

ASHLEY: Yeah. He called me a freak and told me if I wasn't so nice, he would have spit in my eye.

BUSTER: Well, if I was your boyfriend, and you broke up with me, I wouldn't make a threat to spit in your eye. I would just do it.

ASHLEY: I don't know if that's a compliment.

BUSTER: No, it is. Because I feel like you deserve someone who says what they mean and means what they say. You're pretty, smart, kind, funny when you're being awkward. Plus, you never smell. That's amazing, not once did I ever catch you slipping.

ASHLEY: I can never be caught slipping, man. I'm Ashley.

BUSTER: You're Ashley.

ASHLEY: You know, I'm glad I asked you out. You're a really nice guy, Buster.

BUSTER: You're a really nice guy too, Ashley.

Buster and Ashley stare into each other's eyes and then lean in to kiss, but back away after a couple seconds. Their eyes widen.

BUSTER: Wow, would you look at the time? It's getting late, I should probably go.

ASHLEY: It's 8:44.

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm not kidding anyone.

Buster starts kissing Ashley again as the scene cuts to black.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Buster is talking to Sparky at their lockers a few days later.

SPARKY: So you guys really kissed?

BUSTER: Yeah, it was great. Ashley's a way better kisser than Diana.

SPARKY: Really, how?

BUSTER: I don't know. Compared to Ashley, Diana was trying too hard. I never stayed up all night thinking about her kisses.

SPARKY: You stayed up all night?

BUSTER: I had to. This was like when the Seahawks left Peyton Manning choking on his own blood. It was one of the best nights of my life.

SPARKY: Well, it looks like you and Ashley are boyfriend and girlfriend now.

BUSTER: What? We are?

SPARKY: Yeah, if you two had such a great time, and you both like each other, there has to be something going on.

BUSTER: Not really. I just thought this was going to be one of those things we talk about, then never bring up again until they start asking why we forgot about it.

SPARKY: Who's they?

BUSTER: Like I need to explain that.

SPARKY: I just thought you two were going to spend more time together.

BUSTER: I don't think so. Ashley doesn't want to be tied down. She's about making moves and getting her money. It would never work out. And what would RK think? Holy shit, what would RK think?

SPARKY: Why does it matter what RK thinks?

BUSTER: Dude, do you not remember when he was in love with Ashley? She was the girl of his dreams. If we start dating, I'm going to ruin his dream. And then he'll find me and kick me until my knuckles twist all out and about.

SPARKY: You do realize he's in love with Anna, right?

BUSTER: Please, he just settled when he realized Ashley wasn't down. If he finds out that we kissed, it's going to eat away at him. Oh shit, here he comes!

Buster runs inside his locker after seeing RK.

SPARKY: Buster, this is the last thing you should be worrying about when it comes to Ashley.

BUSTER: I'm not violating his trust. If he asks about the date, just say we played Scrabble and after she beat me, I lost my cool and I smacked her. He won't like it, but he'll respect me for it.

RK walks up to Sparky.

RK: What's up, Sparky?

SPARKY: Nothing much.

Beat.

SPARKY: Would you respect a guy for smacking a girl in the face if they lost a board game?

RK: What?

SPARKY: Buster kissed Ashley on their date the other night.

RK: Really? My man Buster, that dirty dog. Where is he? I want to give him his props.

A bored Sparky opens Buster's locker, forcing him to come out.

BUSTER: You're lucky that shit doesn't lock from the inside! Look, RK, I deny everything Sparky told you. What he just said is fake news, a whole bunch of ketchup and water.

RK: Relax, Buster, what's the problem here?

BUSTER: I kissed the girl of your dreams...and I didn't even come to you first! I'm a disgrace.

RK: Dude, Ashley is ancient history. Besides, she never liked me anyway.

BUSTER: Wow. So you weren't just settling with Anna?

RK: If you look at Anna and think that's settling, your standards are a lot higher than mine. Look, man, I'm happy with the girl I have. And if Ashley makes you happy, you need to step up and get what you want. It's time to usher in the new era of Buster.

BUSTER: You're right. It's my era, my time!

*singing, to the tune of Raekwon's "Glaciers of Ice"* RK: It's been a long tiiiiiiime...since Diana and Savanah crossed the liiiiiine.

SPARKY: RK, you don't have to do whatever this is.

RK: Come on, guys, sing it with me. RK wraps his arm around Buster while singing. It's been a long tiiiime...since Buster had a chance to shiiiiine.

Sparky and Buster shrug and join in. RK wraps his other arm around Sparky.

RK/SPARKY/BUSTER: It's been a long tiiiiiime...since Diana and Savanah crossed the liiiiiine. It's been a long tiiiiiime...since Buster had a chance to shiiiiiine.

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG are on the couch later that day, looking bored.

RK: You know, the Jennings Detective Agency isn't off to a hot start.

KG: I thought doing this was supposed to be exciting and help us get closer.

RK: When were we not close?

KG: You're going to make me say it?

RK: Say what? I didn't know there was a problem until now!

KG: Look, bottom line, we need to get on a case. What we need to do is take some initiative. We can't just wait for someone to recognize our greatness, we have to take chances.

RK: Well, there's only one place I know that has the best cases. If we go there, we'll definitely find something.

KG: Dude, I don't feel like traveling.

RK: I'm talking about the police department. All we need to do is head down to the precinct and tell 'em we need a hot case to crack. We get the case, crack it, get love and respect, and we'll be just like Billy Rocket Man.

KG: It could work. But I thought you hated the police. Why are you going to them for help?

RK: Well, you know what they say. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

KG: I don't get how that applies.

RK: My enemy is crime. The enemy of crime is the police, which makes the police my friend.

KG: If you say so.

RK: I'm not arguing with you on this, let's just...let's just put on our damn uniforms.

SCENE 16

Seattle Police Department

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG walk into the precinct with their JDA outfits.

RK: Alright, everybody, don't be alarmed. We just want to speak to the chief of police.

None of the police officers have even noticed that RK and KG have arrived.

KG: What is this, a Geico commercial? How come they're not taking us seriously?

RK: Don't worry, I know what to do. Alright, guys, I gave you a chance to be civil, but now it's time to bust that door down.

RK and KG walk through the police officers and open the chief's office.

CHIEF SIMMONS: What is this? Who are you kids?!

RK: That's not important, Chief McNulty. We want to get on the case.

CHIEF SIMMONS: What the hell are you talking about? And my last name is Simmons.

RK: I want to say McNulty.

KG: Look, Chief Simmons, I don't think you understand, but my name is KG and my younger brother here is RK. We're the Jennings Detective Agency and we're looking to clean up the crime in Seattle.

CHIEF SIMMONS: Look, boys, this detective act is cute and all, but I can't put two kids on a dangerous case. That's a quick way to lose my job. I mean, if I could spin it on the local news and get away with it, I would consider it, but...you know.

RK: McNulty, you need to check out our credentials. We've seen multiple episodes of Billy Rocket Man, Detective for Hire. We know the lingo, we wear the clothes, we speak up to eight languages. We got it all.

CHIEF SIMMONS: Wait, you guys really speak that many languages?

RK: No, but we could learn seven more.

CHIEF SIMMONS: You guys are wasting your time here. I already have professional detectives who have gone through years of training and experience on the beat handling these cases. I mean, do you really think you have a chance at cracking down on a sex trafficking ring?

KG: Of course we do. Just choke the pimps out for the money and that's that.

CHIEF SIMMONS: Get out of my office.

SCENE 17

The Rodriguez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Ashley is doing her homework when Jaylynn walks in.

JAYLYNN: How come you didn't tell me you and Buster kissed?

ASHLEY: Hey, you know you can't just walk in my house like you do with the guys, right?

JAYLYNN: If it's not locked, anything can happen. Now come on, spill that tea.

ASHLEY: There's no tea to spill. We watched TV here, we kissed, and that's it.

JAYLYNN: So what now? Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?

ASHLEY: No.

JAYLYNN: But he likes you.

ASHLEY: Yeah, of course he does.

JAYLYNN: And you like him.

ASHLEY: Yeah. I do.

JAYLYNN: So how come you don't want to be with him?

ASHLEY: It's complicated.

JAYLYNN: Ashley, I've never dated anyone, but even I know you're not making sense right now.

ASHLEY: Look, Jaylynn, I don't want to do something that won't work out. We start dating, then he starts falling for me and I don't feel the same way. So I have to break up with him, but he gets his heart broken and he hates me. I don't want to go through that.

JAYLYNN: Then tell him that, not me. If you don't want to be with him, let him know before he gets the wrong idea.

ASHLEY: But I can't.

JAYLYNN: You know, if we weren't friends, I would probably slap you right now with all the games you're playing.

ASHLEY: You just don't understand.

JAYLYNN: No, I understand. I understand that Buster's a very emotional person, and he needs someone like you more than you need someone like him. So if you're not honest with yourself, he's going to start taking things more seriously than you. And then you're going to gas his head up with lies, and he'll swear off girls until he's 45 and broke.

ASHLEY: Why would he be broke at 45?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. Getting rid of material things would make him more spiritual or some shit, I don't know, but you need to sit him down and take care of this.

ASHLEY: You're right, Jaylynn. I have to be honest with him.

JAYLYNN: You better. Because if you hurt him, I'm going to find you in the street and put you on a T-shirt.

ASHLEY: I'm not scared of you.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you tell yourself that.

Jaylynn begins walking away when she turns around and fakes throwing a punch at Ashley, but Ashley does not flinch.

JAYLYNN: Really?

ASHLEY: Never say I didn't tell the truth.

SCENE 18

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Ashley walks in to see Buster watching TV.

ASHLEY: Hey Buster, can we talk?

BUSTER: Sure, what's up? Wait, let me pause this show.

ASHLEY: It's already on pause.

BUSTER: Wait, then what the hell was I watching this whole time? Anyway, you wanted to talk?

ASHLEY: Yeah. Remember when we kissed the other day?

BUSTER: Of course. That was amazing. I swear, I would write about it in my blog if I had one.

ASHLEY: Well, do you think it's going to lead to anything?

BUSTER: Lead to what? Ashley, we're in the fourth grade. What, we're going to go too far and hold hands for a really long time?

ASHLEY: No, it's just that I don't want to be in a relationship. I know I said so before, but you're a nice guy and I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

BUSTER: Oh. No, I get it. I mean, we went out once and that's it. We don't have to do anything else.

ASHLEY: Yes. That's exactly what I was thinking.

BUSTER: Well, I'm just going to keep watching TV.

ASHLEY: Okay. I guess I'll, uh...see you at school tomorrow?

BUSTER: Yeah. Right, school. That thing where we learn and stuff.

ASHLEY: Yeah. Okay, bye.

BUSTER: See you soon.

ASHLEY: I'm out the door. Just have to...you know, start moving.

BUSTER: Ashley, how come you're still here?

ASHLEY: Because I don't want to leave.

BUSTER: Huh?

ASHLEY: Look, I don't know what's going on here, but I like you. I really like you, I just don't wanna hurt you.

BUSTER: I don't think you can hurt me. I get hurt all the time.

ASHLEY: Yeah, but if it's me, then you're going to start hating me and we won't be friends anymore.

BUSTER: Friends?

ASHLEY: Yeah. We're not?

BUSTER: Not really. I don't know you that well.

ASHLEY: Oh.

BUSTER: And that's why you have nothing to worry about. I like you and you like me. Whatever happens isn't going to change anything.

ASHLEY: So you really want to be my boyfriend?

BUSTER: Only if you want to be my girlfriend.

Ashley proceeds to kiss Buster.

ASHLEY: Yeah, I do.

BUSTER: Great. You make me happy, Ashley.

ASHLEY: Thank you.

Beat.

*singing* BUSTER: It's been a long tiiiime...

ASHLEY: What?

BUSTER: Nothing, just some stupid thing.

Cut to black.

("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)

POST-CREDITS GAG

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG look depressed as they sit on the couch with their detective uniforms still on. However, they have removed their hats.

RK: I can't believe this. We tried to follow Billy's footsteps and we failed. Wait, I fail all the time, I shouldn't be surprised by this.

KG: I know it sucks, bro, but at least we had fun. It gave us something to do for a while. Plus, we were able to save our broken brotherhood.

RK: Broken brotherhood? Dude, if you have a problem with me, just say it!

KG: One step at a time, RK.

At that point, Denise walks in.

KG: Wow, my angel just walked in the door.

DENISE: You're too much, man. So you guys are still playing detective?

RK: We weren't playing anything. We were trying to create a legitimate family business. But it wasn't meant to be.

DENISE: Well, you made the right choice. That Billy Rocket Man guy is a psycho.

KG: What do you mean, Denise?

DENISE: Look at his Wikipedia page. His real name is Andrew Shapiro.

Denise gives KG her phone.

KG: "In 2013, videos circulated around the Internet of Shapiro going on long racially charged rants, accusing African-Americans and Asians of coming from Satan. Shapiro denied the videos were his, but it was later revealed by his Billy Rocket Man co-stars that in his free time, Shapiro would use a slingshot to hit people of color in the forehead with rocks." What the f*** is this?!

RK: We were supporting a racist this whole time?!

KG: It just goes to show you, RK, these celebrities are all scumbags. People think just because they kick a ball or sing songs, that makes them God.

RK: Yeah, it's awful.

KG: I mean, these idiots excuse celebrities all the time. You can beat your wife, make fun of other races, touch children, but no, they made that movie I like! They didn't mean it! They're just a little mixed up, that's all. No, they're not mixed up. STOP WORSHIPPING THESE CELEBRITIES, YOU DAMN PRICKS!

RK: Okay, KG, calm down.

KG: I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that so when I die, you don't give the eulogy talking about how I never taught you anything. Embarrassing my corpse in front of people.

Beat.

DENISE: I don't know if this is a bad time, but could we go out tonight?

Cut to black.

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS