The First Christmas
The fire dwindled out hours ago, only the faintest glint of red still glowing in the remaining embers. The cold has reached down deep, seeping into my bones and spreading out like frost crystals throughout my entire body. I drag the thin quilt up to my chin when I hear the faintest hiccough from across the room. Dearest Lord.
I rise from the bed, wrapping the worn fabric as tightly as I can around myself to stave off the chill. There he is, my baby boy, lying quiet as can be, his eyes open and glassy but curious and wandering. Thank heavens. I run the back of my index finger along his smooth little cheek to find it downright freezing. How is he not screaming?
I marvel at how content he is; my heart breaks when his eyes light on mine and he smiles. He smiles at me, the woman who is supposed to keep him warm, take away the cold of the night but cannot. My eyes well up with weeks of unshed tears as I lift him from his makeshift apple box cot and bring him to rest upon my chest under the flimsy layers of cloth.
I bring him to the bed, lying down slowly as not to break the stillness of the moment. I wrap and press and tuck the quilt around us as soundly as I can and stroke his back. I cannot stop the tears that are now dropping upon the light down just starting to cover the crown of his head. He's still cooing and babbling, and I can't help but wonder how he is so strong when I am so weak.
"I wish I could trade my cuddles for castles to give you the world you deserve, but all I have to offer is my love, and for you it grows in spades by the day." I press my lips to his head, a ritual that I fear may never be free of my tears. "I love you more than all the stars in the sky and the sand on the shore. Please, whatever may become of us, I beg you never forget that."
He snuffles a bit on my chest before I feel him settle into sleep. As haunted as my nights have become, for one brief moment I am at peace and begin to feel myself slip away. As I make the final fall, I hear myself in the distance sending one last wish into the ether.
"Happy Christmas, my darling boy."