The first day on the Job
A tale of peanut butter and a dog.
My name's Jack Pham, and after 2 weeks of unemployment and a year of shitty dead end jobs, I think I have found a profession that just may be my ticket fame. For all I know, this could score me some china. At least, that's what I first thought when I signed up for the job. I got a job working with these kids who drive around in a van solving mysteries involving ghosts and shit. I saw these guys on TV once and when I learned that they were hiring, I got my fat ass over there and signed up for the position. You know, at first I wasn't too happy about the job and I was thinking about quitting. The people I was working with really were weird as hell. There was this one blonde guy with a scarf named Fred who was obviously a flamer, but always hit on this one redhead chick. Speaking of the redhead that hoe's name was Daphne, I'm totally gonna have to see if I can tap that. Bitch is fucking hot, but she's also pretty damn stuck up too. Thinks she's too good for me. I'm gonna need some help from my good friends the magic pills if I wanna pound that ass, but whatever. There's also this one chick in an orange sweater named Velma I might try to hook up with. She looks like the pretty desperate type of girl. Pretty sure I could score with her. There's also this guy named Shaggy who brings his dog Scooby around wherever he goes. Now, don't get me wrong. I like dogs and all. But something about the way this guy spends all his time with this dog is kinda creepy. There's also the times we split up. He and the dog always go off on their own. The guy's always giggling when he does too. The dog's pretty weird too. Looks normal and all, but sometimes it almost seems like it's fucking talking.
Like I was saying before though. There was a time when I was actually hated this job but now, I kinda like it. I'll never forget the night when my job took a turn and started to improve. We were out investigating some mysterious mystery involving a mysterious ghost on Shitty 80s Mysterious Beach. We believed that this ghost came from Japan because his victims said he looked like a fucking chink. The ghost had been scaring people off for several weeks. According to his victims, he would roam the beach howling like a coyote while running up to people and hosing them down with ectoplasm. We were there to figure out why this ghost was haunting this beach. So there we were. Standing on the beach like a bunch of dumb asses deciding what to do next. Shaggy was shaking like a motherfucker. I think he was high. As usual. "ZOINKS MAN THIS SHIT'S FREAKY AS HELL" he screamed while clawing furiously at his ball sack with both hands. Scooby was busy taking a shit on someone's towel. "ARLUGSHLRUAGHLUALGH" he said, sounding like a fag with 6 dicks jammed in his mouth. As usual, Fred was trying to cover up his homosexuality.
"Gosh dang Daphne. What do you say we set up camp so we can fuck each other all night long." he said while eying Shaggy's ass. "Ok," Daphne said uncertainly, "But... well, could we actually do the real thing this time? I know you enjoy it when I shove you special vibrating buddy in your happy place but... I really don't get as much out of it as you"
Fred glared at her and raised a hand. "DON'T YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT THAT AROUND THE OTHERS. I'VE TOLD YOU THAT A THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES YOU STUPID BITCH"
Fred began to beat Daphne, and when she fell to the ground he began to kick her. Meanwhile, Shaggy had fallen himself and was jerking around spastically "OH FUCK OH FUCK I'M FREAKIN OUT MAN I'M FREAKIN OUT" he screamed while the Scooby urinated on him. Velma was the only one doing anything. She had found some ectoplasm on the ground and was looking at it closely. I was staring at her ass while she did so. She leaned forward further. "Jinkys! A clue!" she cried as she began to lick it.
Shaggy was getting back to his feet. Suddenly, his eyes bulged out and he pointed a finger at an approaching figure. I was busy thinking about the best way to rape Velma and didn't see who it was until it was too late. I looked up and screamed. It was the fucking chink ghost! They were right about him being asian, that's for sure. What they forgot to mention was that he was naked. "ZOINKS! LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MAN" Shaggy screamed in horror. He and Scooby were already 40 ft away by the time he finished that sentence. I swear to Christ that kid's got some experience with running from the police. Fred and Daphne followed close behind and I was about to run when I noticed that Velma was still kneeling on the ground trying to cram as much of the mixture of ectoplasm and sand down her throat. I opened my mouth to warn her but the ghost interrupted me.
"OOOOOooooOOOOOOoooooOOO"
I made a break for it and hid behind some bushes. It was too late for Velma. She looked up just in time to see the ghost bring his cock down over head, knocking her unconscious. The chink ghost began to furiously beat off on her face. I gaped at the ghost. All of a sudden it made sense. That ectoplasm wasn't ectoplasm at all! It was man juice! The ghost tore off after the rest of my friends, forgetting me out of sheer convenience to the plot. I was about to go after him when I suddenly remembered poor Velma lying there, injured and unconscious. At that moment, I knew what I had to do. This was my moment of glory. I ran to her and stood over her for a moment. She was groining. It seemed she was coming to. There was no time to lose. I kicked her in the side of the head, knocking her unconscious again. I pulled down her skirt. Much to my pleasure she wasn't wearing any underwear which made things easier. I began to fuck her and after I was done I leapt into the air and screamed "MY LOVE QUEST IS FINALLY OVER!"
The rest of the gang was on their way back. "Look out you silly goose!" Fred screamed in horror. "The ghost is coming back!"
"It's OK! It's not a ghost at all! Watch, I'll show you!" I whipped out a pistol. I had been saving it for a special occasion, specifically killing all of my coworkers if the job didn't turn out too well. This wasn't that special occasion, but it was close enough. I took aim and fired. The chink ghost's head exploded in a mist of blood and gore. Fred stared at me in horror. "What are you crazy? You can't do that! Someone call the co-"
He never finished. I gunned him down right there and did the same for the rest of the gang. I took everything of value from their bodies and ran away to Mexico and drank some bad water and pissed blood for 3 days straight.
THE END... ?