Who's Your Daddy?
A Crackfic
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A/N: A wide variety of very odd parings will occur in this fic. This is not to be taken at all seriously! This was inspired by some silly discussion on LJ about what might happen on the season finale of House.
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Unnecessary disclaimer: None of the characters appearing in the TV show "House, M. D." belong to me.
Abstract: It's the season 6 finale, and, no surprise, Cameron mysteriously returns….and she's pregnant! But who is the father of Cameron's mystery baby?
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"Rise and shine," purred a distant voice. House eyes opened blearily to see Cuddy leaning over him, giving him a fantastic vantage point of her breasts. Her tone changed suddenly from seductress to administrator. "You've been in here for an hour! You have a patient waiting in the next exam room over," she said, pressing a file to his chest.
House groaned and stretched. "I was thinking. Especially hard case," he quipped.
"Exam room two," Cuddy stated, smoothing her blouse.
House stared at her as she stepped away from him. What she was wearing could in no way be consider appropriate for work. "Auditioning at the men's club today?" he asked.
Cuddy huffed, turned red, and left the room.
House started to lay back down on the table before he heard a yell from outside the door. "Don't even think about it!"
House rolled his eyes and stood. Fine, he would go to exam room two.
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House opened the file as he stepped into the room. "Hi, I'm Dr. House," he managed to get out before he was attacked by someone obviously trying to choke him. Well, it was bound to happen (again) sometime.
After a moment, House opened his eyes, surprised he had not met certain doom. He looked down to see that he was only wrapped in a hug, which was a fate worse than death.
"What the hell?" he said out loud.
His attacker loosened her grip. "Oh, sorry," she said sweetly. "But aren't you glad to see me?"
House finally looked at his attacker's face. "Cameron?"
But… it couldn't be Cameron. She looked to be about ready to pop out a baby.
"I'm due in two weeks. I'm here for a checkup," she said.
House nodded and went through the usual routine. "Everything looks fine." He stood to leave.
"House," she said softly, stopping him. He was drawn in. Their eyes met. House stepped forward, closing the gap. Cameron leaned in.
"House…" she repeated. "Will you deliver my baby?"
House stepped back in shock, the moment broken.
She smiled innocently. "My doctor back at home just keeled over and died! Isn't that strange? So I came here because I knew there was a doctor I trusted." House cringed.
He stared at her in consternation. Her eyes were pleading.
"Fine," he said. Her pouting lips widened into a huge grin and she leapt forward to hug him again.
House rolled his eyes. This was going to be a long couple weeks.
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Cameron was wandering around Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital reminiscing about old times. She stood in the doorway of the conference room contemplating her years there when a voice called out behind her, "Allison?"
She turned to see a shocked Robert Chase. He ran up to her. "Allison, why didn't you tell me? I could have been there for you!" He looked so sad, so pathetic.
Cameron put a sympathetic hand on his arm. "Robert, I didn't tell you because, well…" she paused. "You're not the father."
Chase's face transformed into an expression of shock. Epic music played. "No, that can't be!" he shouted.
Cameron glanced around, looking for the source of the music. House was watching Star Wars in his office.
"I'm sorry, Chase," she said, and walked away.
He stood still in shock until she was long gone.
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The news soon permeated the hospital. "Have you heard?" one nurse asked another. "Dr. Cameron is back, pregnant, and Dr. Chase isn't the father! She won't say who it is!"
Gossip flew. Some said it must be House because, well, lordy, have you seen the way those two look at each other? Some said it must have been Dr. Wilson with those big brown eyes, and really, no woman could resist that. And some even held out that it was her poor dead husband's sperm and that's why she wouldn't say.
In any case, the nurses weren't the only ones who were curious.
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A very serious meeting was being held around the conference table in the Diagnostics Department.
Cuddy spoke first. "We have to get to the bottom of this."
"You're telling me," a miserable Chase mumbled.
"We'll start with our prime suspects and then move to more obscure ones," she commanded, pacing the room. The group around the table nodded. "Okay, Chase, who is your top suspect?"
"House." Chase glared daggers at him. Cuddy glared daggers at Chase.
Wilson snorted a laugh, and all eyes turned to him. House gave him a murderous look, which he promptly ignored. "Oh, House has been impotent for years thanks to the constant drug abuse." He paused and smiled. "But don't worry. He's learned to find pleasure in other ways," Wilson continued with a wink and a little smile at House.
House dropped his head to the table with a moan. Cuddy let out a little shriek and fainted.
They all looked down at Cuddy on the floor. "Should we do something about that?" Taub asked.
"Nah, she'll be up in no time," said Foreman. "So that also takes Dr. Wilson out of the running… who's up next?"
Thirteen, the only woman at the table, spoke. "Neither of you guys." Foreman and Taub glared at Thirteen.
"You don't think she'd do us?" Taub asked, offended.
"I don't think she'd do you," she amended. "And Foreman knows better."
Foreman raised an eyebrow at Thirteen. She stared at him with a bored expression.
"These two are just so in love!" Taub exclaimed, watching.
Foreman raised a second eyebrow. Thirteen looked more bored than ever.
"Okay, okay, get a room," House grumbled.
Foreman and Thirteen stood and headed to the door. "Just one last thing," Thirteen said. "Remember, I have Huntington's."
Taub, Wilson, and House nodded sagely. "Good thing she reminded us. I had almost forgotten," Taub said.
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The meeting had resumed at a later date with a few more ideas. "Sebastian Charles?" Wilson asked.
"That bastard!" Chase cried. "He asked her on a date when he was the patient too."
Cuddy spoke from her hospital bed. She still hadn't recovered from the shock. "Dr. Charles hasn't left Africa since he was our patient. Cameron hasn't been to Africa."
Everyone looked discouraged. "If you can wait, I can get a DNA test when the baby comes," House said. The others agreed that was the best course of action. Discussion was getting them nowhere.
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It was time.
House, Taub, Wilson, Foreman, Cuddy and Chase were all scrubbed up in the delivery room.
"Do all of you need to be here?" Cameron asked weakly.
"Yes!" they all responded in unison. This mystery baby had consumed their thoughts for weeks; they weren't about to leave now.
Cameron moaned as a contraction hit. Cameron paused in mid-moan when she saw someone at the door. "Do you guys need a professional defibrillist?" Kutner said as he walked breezily into the room. Everyone stopped and stared.
"What the hell are you doing here?" House asked. "You're supposed to be dead!"
Kutner laughed. "Oh, no, I was just at the White House!" Everyone accepted that line of thought without too much questioning and went on with what they were doing.
"Here I'll just get this," Kutner said, reaching out to the defibrillator hung on the wall. It exploded.
"Kutner!" Cuddy screamed. "That's the third defibrillator you've broken!"
In the midst of all the turmoil in the room, House and Taub were preparing Cameron for the imminent birth. "Okay, Cameron, it's time to push," Taub said. She cried out as she began to push her baby into the world.
Another person walked into the room. Thirteen, over Cameron's screams, shouted, "I'm just here to remind you that I have Huntington's!" She left as quickly as she had come in.
Cameron, in a final roar, birthed the child. House lifted it up. "It's a…" he paused.
"It's a what?" Cameron asked frantically.
"It's brown," House said in bemusement. Indeed, the child was several shades darker than Cameron herself. Everyone in the room looked first at the child, and then at Foreman.
"What sex is it?" Cameron asked again anxiously, but she was ignored.
"It wasn't me!" Foreman shouted. "She's like a sister to me! That's incest!"
"You've got some twisted kinks then," House said. "The evidence points to the contrary. He's your kid."
"Oh, it's a boy!" Cameron cried joyfully.
House handed the kid off to Taub to get him cleaned up. "Well, that wraps this up nicely," he said.
"I'm telling you, I'm not the dad!" Foreman shouted. Everyone looked at him disbelievingly.
A booming voice came from the doorway. "He's right. I'm the father."
Everyone looked over to see no other but Edward Vogler. Chase looked like he was going to faint.
"You came!" Cameron said happily.
"Did you think I wouldn't?" he responded. Cuddy wordlessly vacated the chair next to Cameron's bed. Everyone was staring, unable to believe their eyes.
Taub handed the child to the happy mother. She and Vogler hovered over the baby like an odd little family.
"Is the baby here yet?" came a familiar voice from the doorway. Everyone looked over. Chase flung his hands up and stomped out of the room. House banged his head on the wall.
"Stacy?" Wilson asked in surprise. "Why are you here?"
"Well, I had to visit my fellow member of the Greg House ex-lovers club!" she said and stepped over to the bed.
At that statement Cuddy's eyes lit up, and, while the others were distracted, she hesitantly approached Stacy and Cameron. "Could… could I join?"
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Much later, after all the madness had died down. House and Wilson went to the cafeteria to get a bite to eat and muse over the excitement of the day.
"I can't believe she had sex with Vogler," House said, frustrated.
"Hey, don't worry about it. You have me, remember? Why don't we head back to my place and have some fun?" Wilson comforted.
House gave in and nodded his consent. The pair got up and headed to the exit, but were stopped by Robert Chase.
"Hey," Chase said uncertainly. "I have something to ask."
"Spit it out," House said impatiently.
"I was just wondering," he gulped, "If maybe I could join you guys sometime?"
House and Wilson paused for a moment, and then exchanged looks. Finally, Wilson spoke. "We're just about to head over to my place for some, uh… fun. Care to join?"
Chase smiled happily for the first time in weeks and headed off into the sunset with House and Wilson.
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House woke with a cry.
He was distracted from the pain in his leg by the horrible thoughts that ran rampant in his mind.
Wilson ran into the room. "You okay, House?" he asked breathlessly.
"Just a dream," House growled. Wilson left.
A terrible, horrible, worst in his life dream. He tried to get his heart rate under control. It wasn't true. Cameron wasn't having Vogler's baby. She hadn't even left the hospital yet! He wasn't—
House looked down. Oh, God. He wasn't…impotent…was he?
He had to be sure. He started thinking.
Cuddy in a bikini. Cuddy in a mud fight in a bikini. …Jello fight?
It wasn't working. House looked down in fear and frustration. He had to try again.
Cameron in a bikini. Cameron in a mud fight in a bikini…with Thirteen. Cameron doing Thirteen.
Ah, there it was.
House leaned back against his pillows. All was right in the world once again.
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A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! More things are coming from me soon, with my usual House/Cameron slant. Despite the direction of the show, I have no intention to stop writing Hameron. :)