A/N Hello! This is a self titled "parody play" I wrote due to immense boredom. I had no clue what to name it, so it, along with the rating, is subject to change. Any ideas? Just a warning, the characters are slightly (cough) OC, and the story exudes gallons of unfounded haphazard randomness. It's also rated T for obscene language and erm... some sexual strip club scenes. (Don't worry, they aren't that bad!)
Disclaimer:
I do not own: any of the characters of Rurouni Kenshin, McDonalds, the Crazy Russian or anything else I happen to mention in my chronicles.
What I do own: A metronome (you'll see soon), a Kenshin & Kaoru key chain I bought at Hot Topic, and this adorable home-made plush Kenshin thing I made out of felt. (Yes, I have a life, thank you very much!)
And now for the feature presentation:
Vampires, g-strings and wine coolers... oh my!
By: Luminiferous
Act I .
Scene I: "Is that a dollar bill? Or are you just happy to see me?"
(Song titled Vicinity of Obscenity plays in background ... curtains rise.
Setting: Kaoru's apartment.) (Kaoru is laying on her sofa, holding an ice pack to her head. Megumi, who's laughing, is sitting at the bottom of the sofa while Misao is sitting in a chair adjacent the sofa)
Kaoru: "This week sucked!"
Megumi: "Kaoru, dear, you say that every week."
Kaoru: "Fine. This week was the most horrible of them all"
Misao: "Yeah ... you say that every week, too."
(Kaoru moans and throws her ice-pack at Misao)
Megumi: "Okay, tell us what happened."
(Kaoru sighs and asks Misao to return the ice pack to her. She replaces it on the huge bloody welt on her head.)
Kaoru: "I was innocently walking down the street, minding my own business, not bothering anyone-"
Megumi: "Kaoru, We both know..."
(Kaoru snaps)
Kaoru: "Fine! I was innocently walking down the street singing a happy little tune-"
Megumi: Kaoru! Would you please tell the truth, so we can file a complaint to the place?"
Kaoru: "STOP INTERRUPTING ME! Thank you. As I was saying. I was innocently walking down the street, singing a sorta explicit ... well, rap... (she stops and sends a malevolent stare Megumi's way) can I continue? Okay thank you. Right, so I was singing this little rap I made up as I was coming home from work."
Megumi: "Uhhuh., and what would this rap be?"
Kaoru: "... Erm, it went sorta like... 'Chica Chica, Bow-Wow, eat your cock-sucking boogers and piss on a cow, ...' Eh well you know the rest."
(Megumi and Misao give each other amused looks, for they clearly didn't know the rest.)
Kaoru: "Anyway, I was walking beneath the music conservatory and suddenly this metronome just flies out the window, hits me on the head, and then this dude screams "SHUT THE FUCK UP" and slams the window!"
(Kaoru scowls and massages her head as Megumi and Misao howl with laughter.)
Misao: "Hey, wait, Kaoru! ... what's a meter-gnome?"
(Kaoru gives Misao an amazed look)
Kaoru: "O c'mon Misao! You've never heard of a metronome before? It's the clicky majigger!"
(Both Megumi and Misao stare blanky at Kaoru)
Kaoru: "See! (Turns on the metronome that hit her on the head, which happens to be caked with blood) It goes "clickclickclickclick!" "
(Both Megumi and Misao exclaim little Ohs!)
Kaoru: "Anyway (turns off metronome) I see no reason why he had to throw the metronome out the window at me."
Megumi: "..."
Misao: "Are you sure nothing else happened, Kaoru?"
(Kaoru flushes with indignation)
Kaoru: "Of course not!... Oh fine. Let's just say he told me to shut up before he threw this thingymabob (brandishes metronome) out the window, and he threw it after I called him... a cock-sucking cocaine addict."
Megumi: "See, Kaoru, this is the reason why you can't get a man!"
Kaoru: 'Hey! I can get plenty of men! Just 'cus I've never had a boyfriend..."
(Megumi gives an all-knowing nod and Kaoru groans.)
Kaoru: "But really, this week was horrible! First, I almost get run over by a bus, then at work I attacked Yamigori-kun with the kodachi I just happened to be putting away. That really was a complete accident! I mean it was after hours and I thought he was an intruder! Then he threatened to fire me for breaking the window display. And not to mention, I had scolding hot tea spilled on me at the Café... Ugh."
(Both Megumi and Misao nod sympathetically.)
Megumi: "Sounds like you deserve some fun. How about all of us go out tonight?"
Kaoru: "I can't go out looking like this!" (Points at huge red welt)
"I can't go out looking like this!"Megumi: "Look, Kaoru, I am a physician, and like I said, the swelling will have mostly gone down by tonight."
Kaoru: "... (sigh) If you say so."
"... If you say so."(There's a moment of silence)
Misao: "Soooo, Megumi, where did you have in mind?"
(Megumi looks thoughtful for a minute)
Megumi: "Hmmm, well, this new club just opened up. I think it's called... The Crazy Russian."
(Kaoru and Misao stare at Megumi like she's lost her mind)
Kaoru: "You've got to be kidding me, The Crazy Russian?"
(Megumi shakes her head)
Megumi: "Hey, I heard it's actually a really cool place. I say we check it out!"
Kaoru: "Hey, after this week, I'm up for anything."
Megumi: "Then the Crazy Russian it is!"
ActI
Scene II
Later that night...
(Kaoru emerges from her bedroom wearing a short, modern styled kimono, and black stiletto heels. The contusion on her head is almost completely gone.)
Megumi: "(whistle) Why, don't you clean up nicely!"
(Kaoru attempts to maul Megumi, but is held back by Misao, who materialized out of no where)
Kaoru: "Oh shut it, Megumi. My work requires me to be diligent and competent. I'm an associate instructor at a dojo, not a fashion model."
Megumi: "Blahblahblah, whatever. Are we ready to go?
Misao: "I'm set. I've even got my fake I.D."
(Kaoru and Megumi do a double take)
Kaoru: "I forgot you were underage! AND WHERE DID YOU GET A FAKE I.D?! GIMME IT!"
Megumi: "Now, wait a second Kaoru. We both know you and I will get dreadfully drunk, and maybe we can use Misao to our advantage. She can prevent us from doing something really, really horrible, because she can't get drunk! (evil Megumi laugh) Hohohohoho..."
Misao: "...Yeah..."
Kaoru: "Fine... I see your point."
Megumi: "Alright then. Let's go already!"
Four hours later
(Kaoru and Megumi emerge from The Crazy Russian)
Kaoru: "(Gigglegiggle) Whooooo. Iz think I haz meself a foo to mani dra-inks." (Runs into wall)
Megumi: "Hohohoho... iz rully luv dem wine coolers... waredid da runt go?!"
(Misao runs out of club, holding two three purses and looking miserable)
Misao: "Guys, you forgot your purses, and I had to pay for your drinks."
Kaoru: "(hiccup) Zank chu machic marshmallow lah-dee"
Misao: "... I think you guys need to sober up. We'd better get yall some coffee."
Kaoru: "Looookses! It's one of doz 'merican rest-uarants... McDanalz..."
Megumi: "Hohoho, I wanna cheeeeseburga (giggle)"
Misao: "Wait, where?! All I see is a male strip club..."
(Megumi and Kaoru stumble over to a building with a flashing sign that says "XXX Male Strip Club")
Kaoru: "Swa-EET! Mcy-Dees here I cuuuum."( no pun intended)
Misao: "Kami... Kaoru, Megumi! No That's a strip-"
(Kaoru and Megumi already were already inside before Misao could finish the sentence. Misao moaned and started after them. As she opened the door to the place, two things hit her simultaneously. One was the strong smell of boozes, and the other was a large, fluffy feather pink boa)
Misao: "WHAT THE FU-?!"
(She was cut short as a large, hairy arm dragged her into the building. The enormous, hirsute seemingly gay man gave her a hug and ran back to the stage in the back of the room. Misao surveyed the room open mouthed. There were six cages hanging from the ceiling, which all contained sexy, g-string wearing guys who were all dancing provocatively . A very shiny silver pole stood in the middle of the catwalk connected to the stage. Oddly enough, the place was filled with both men and women customers, waving dollar bills around.)
Misao:"Shit. I've got to find Kaoru and Megumi!"
(Misao spots them at the bar, and runs over.)
Megumi: "I says I wants a cheeseburga!"
Bartender: "Look, Lady, we don't have- "
Kaoru: "Dun back talk us, burga boy!"
(Misao grabs Kaoru and Megumi and attempts to drag them away)
Kaoru: "Nuuuuu. I dun wanna go yet! I've never seen Mcy-dees looking so fine... Look at all these cute guys here!"
Misao: "Kaoru, I think they are all gay..."
Kaoru: "Shut yer yap!"
(Just then, Kaoru looks at the stage and sees a small yet incredibly toned guy with crimson hair working the pole)
Kaoru: "(drool) Oh Kami, he's mine..."
(She runs towards the standing waving a money. Megumi eyes after her and shakes her head. She looks up at a cage and sees a punk-like guy with black, spiky hair rubbing oil all over himself)
Megumi: "Ooooh yeah. There's my man."
Misao: "O'cmon guys! Their gay!"
Anonymous voice: "Who's gay?"
(Misao looks up at a tall, stern looking man with black hair. Did I mention he was also incredibly sexy?)
Misao: "Uhhh nothing... I mean no one!"
(The man laughs, and Misao gasps, for she then noticed some very long white pointy canines)
(end of Act I)
(A.N) Erm, I know that was really crazy, but it get's a lot more interesting next chapter, which will be told from the point of view of Kenshin, Sano, and Aoshi (you'll find out how three straight vampire dudes ended up working at a strip club : ) ) And why did I made them vampires? Eh ... I'd thought it'd be more interesting But really, I love Rurouni Kenshin. (Tho it may not seem so, due to the way I butcher the characters) Review? Tell me what works, and what doesn't.
-Luminiferous.