DISCLAIMER: All I want for Christmas are my two favorite detectives, my two favorite detectives...Olivia and Elliot. Well, until Dick grants my Christmas wish list, he still owns them. I just get to play with them a little. " ) Bensler ************** Okay...so I wanted to write a Christmas story. I had started it but had no idea how to proceed until I heard this old song on the radio. Hope you like it and I hope everyone has a very Merry CHRISTmas!! " ) Bensler **************
A Deep and Dark December
by Bensler
SVU Squad Room – Monday, December 22 – 7:05 a.m.
It was so cold. The sky was gray, overcast, and a light snow fell to the already covered ground. New York City had gotten four inches of snow yesterday and more was predicted later in the week. It would definitely be a white Christmas. Elliot's teeth began to chatter. Either the heater in the car wasn't working properly or it was just so cold it was simply no match for the frigid air, and on top of that he had not been able to find his gloves or his hat amidst the jumble of boxes in the small hall closet. At any rate, he was frozen to the bone and the snow that dusted his head and clung to his eyebrows and eyelashes did not help matters. Stepping into the precinct he took a second to brush the snow from his coat, run his hand over his head to do the same and stomp his feet knocking most of the sludge from his boots.
Arriving earlier than he normally did, he found the squad room tranquil in comparison to the normal early morning ruckus. Setting the white paper bag he held in his hand on his desk, he hung up his coat, making note that Olivia's coat hanger was empty. That's odd, he thought. She was almost always here before him. Maybe the weather has slowed her down, he decided. He pulled the Styrofoam cup of tea from the bag and placed it near her keyboard where she would be sure to see it and threw a couple of packets of sugar and cream beside it.
Then he turned his attention to the coffee he had gotten for himself. He held the large steaming cup in both hands letting the warmth seep into his fingers that still ached from the cold. Taking several gulps, he reveled in the heat that slid down his throat and slowly spread throughout his chest and abdomen. Within just a few minutes he began to feel warm enough to function at a normal level.
Benson Residence - Monday, December 22 – 7:15 a.m.
Though she was off today and the rest of the week - Captain's orders – she had forgotten to turn off the alarm and its irritating chirp sounded promptly at 6:00 a.m. Groaning, she had turned and slapped the defender into silence. But the damage had been done. She could not go back to sleep. So, she lay there snuggled into the warmth of the dark blue down comforter and let her mind have free reign. Usually, she did every thing in her power to keep her thoughts tightly under control. It was dangerous to let them go where they willed. Too dangerous.
This was the worst week Cragen could have possibly picked to make her take time off. Arguing, begging and even pleading did nothing to sway his mind. He told her she had been under way too much pressure due to so many things happening to her in such a short period of time. He had already made her take a few days off a couple of weeks ago, but in his opinion it was not enough. She had worked nearly every holiday since coming on board at SVU over nine years ago and Cragen told her it was past time for her to let someone else take it. Since she had no husband, no children, no extended family, not even a significant other most of the time, she had always volunteered to work or be on call so her colleagues with families could have the time off. Besides it beat being forced to face the fact that she was alone. Yes, she knew she was alone. Most of her life she had been alone, but while she was at work she was able to forget about it for at least a little while.
After an hour and half of lying there in the bed she got up and made some tea. Turning the radio on to WCBS, an oldies station, she was surprised to hear that it was still snowing. Making her way to the window she pulled the curtains aside to look out. Except for the road, which was now an icy slush, every thing was covered in white and more snow was coming down although not as much or as hard as it had yesterday. She shivered from the cold penetrating its way through the thin glass and let the curtains fall back in place shutting out the cold and the light.
Simon and Garfunkel's 'I Am a Rock' began playing. As Paul Simon's voice sang the melancholy words, she was struck at how a song written so long ago seemed to be written about her very life at this very moment in time. She stood in the middle of her living room and listened.
A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below,
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Pulling the comforter she had taken from her bed around her as she sat on the couch, she put her mug of tea on the table beside it. Yes. That's me, she thought. I am a rock…I have hardened my heart to protect myself. Every one in my life has hurt me. Never again. Elliot chipped away at the rock until he was able to pierce my heart. But he hurt me, too, her mind screamed. Yes, she was back to being an island. After being let down and hurt by so many in her life, she had begun to keep her distance and push away anyone who started to get too close. Everyone except Elliot. But he too had betrayed her and now she put distance between them.
Every other song on the radio was a Christmas song and 'Holly Jolly Christmas' was playing now. It was much too cheery and upbeat for her present state of mind. To Olivia it was the worst time of the year, not the best and she didn't have many friends to say hello to and certainly did not feel like saying hello to any strangers. Who knows which ones were perverts? And there definitely was nobody waiting around the mistletoe to kiss her. The words from 'I Am a Rock' played over and over in her head, drowning out the refrains of 'Holly Jolly Christmas'.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
No. No one was waiting for her. Holly Jolly Christmas indeed. Whoever had written that sappy song definitely had no idea what it was like to be all alone. They knew nothing about walls and fortresses to protect the heart. They knew nothing about people that used, abused and hurt you. They knew nothing about the life Olivia lived.
SVU Squad Room - Monday, December 22 – 8:45 a.m.
Catching up on paperwork and reports, Elliot could not keep his eyes off of the little clock in the right hand corner of the computer. With each passing minute he would glance at the wall clock just to be sure the times were synchronized. He was on the verge of going nuts wondering where Olivia was and there was no one to ask. Munch was visiting some old friends in Baltimore and Fin was in court. Cragen was on the phone when Elliot arrived at work and had been in a meeting since then. Finally, he could take it no more and he picked up the desk phone and dialed her cell phone. No answer. She did not answer any of the subsequent half dozen or so calls either. Nor did she return any of the text messages he sent. Her home phone went straight to the answering machine and he slammed down the receiver without leaving another message.
The sound of a door opening and voices filling the squad room meant Cragen's meeting was over. He followed the others out and then came to stand by Elliot's desk.
"'Bout time you got on all those reports," Cragen's smile and twinkling eyes did not match the bark of his voice and Elliot knew he was just teasing him.
"Yea…it would sure help if my partner were here to do her share. She have an appointment or something?" he asked, hoping that he didn't sound too concerned or too eager to know.
The slight raise of Cragen's right eyebrow told Elliot he was surprised he did not know Olivia's whereabouts. Jamming his hands in his front trouser pockets, Cragen looked down at the floor.
"She didn't tell you she's off the whole week?" he asked quietly, looking up in time to catch the frown that crossed Elliot's face.
Elliot sat up straight in his chair then leaned across the desk folding his arms in front of him, "The whole week? Liv? No, guess that little detail slipped by her."
Cragen nodded, the fact that she did not tell Elliot only reinforced to him that his decision to make her take the time was the right thing to do. "Against her will. I made her take it. She's been through a lot this last year and I think its all catching up with her. She needs to take care of herself…or…" he paused inhaling deeply, "…well, she just needs to take care of Olivia. Let me know if any thing comes up and you need any help. I'll catch with you." He headed back to his office.
Elliot just sat there staring after him wondering what was really at the other end of Cragen's 'or'. She didn't tell him she was going to be off. The whole week! He was her partner. He should know these things. Why would she have not told him? Maybe the Captain was right. Maybe everything was catching up with her and taking a toll on her. She has been acting different the last several months. Elliot's mind began wondering about just what happened at Sealview. It was time to get some answers as well as give her some answers to questions he knew she had even though she would never ask.
Benson Residence - Monday, December 22 – 6:55 p.m.
Olivia had spent the day reading, napping, thinking, listening to the radio, napping some more and wishing she were at work so she would not have time to think about her miserable, pathetic personal life.
Usually she simply accepted the fact that she was alone. That she had no one to truly share the holidays or, for that matter, any day with and in years past it had not bothered her. Sure she had friends, but her friends were all part of a family. She had no family other than her half brother with which she shared a father. A father that had raped her mother. Their relationship was precarious at best and he was out of state visiting his wife's family. No, usually being alone did not really bother her.
But this year was different. This year it did bother her. Maybe it was because she was getting older and realized that this was her life and there seemed to be little hope that it would ever change. Maybe that was it. She had lost hope. Once upon a time she could make herself believe that she would find someone, fall in love, marry, have children and it made not having those things right now easier. But after so long of it not happening, she knew chances were it would never happen. At least not the way she had always dreamed. The fact was she had found someone. She had fallen in love. Harder and deeper than she had ever imagined she was capable of doing.
She snorted at the thought. Love? Was there really even such a thing, she wondered? Or was it simply something that people through the ages desperately wished existed and therefore, had created to some degree in their overactive imaginations, and somehow persuaded their hearts that it was indeed real. Despite these cynical thoughts, she felt hot tears burning her eyelids, overflowing and trailing down her cheeks. Angry that she was shedding tears, she furiously wiped them away. The song was back in all its disheartened cynicism.
Don't talk of love,
Well, I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
It didn't matter. It couldn't matter because he was married. Just a year and half ago, she had thought against all odds there actually might be a chance for them. They had mended their friendship and things between them were changing. But then he had blurted out that his soon to be ex-wife was pregnant. And poof! Just like that, with the utterance of two words, her bubble had burst and her heart had broken clean in two. Just like that he was unavailable again. Just like that he had gone back and reclaimed his wife and children and married status.
Yes, chances were she would be alone for the rest of her life. And she was tired of it. That was part of why she had tried to force things with Kurt Moss. But when it came down to the wire she knew she could not do it. Neither to herself, nor to him. Because no matter how hard she tried the ghost of the man she was in love with would always be there between her and any other man she thought she might be able to love. Elliot Stabler had walked into her life and into her heart years ago and she would always love him. Always.
Her growling stomach told her it was time to eat something. She drank hot tea throughout the day but had not eaten anything. Even though she was hungry now, she simply did not have the energy to drag herself to the kitchen to cook or even to find a take out menu and call out for dinner. She thought she would just take a shower and go to bed. The radio still played softly in the background and she pulled the comforter up around her shoulders and curled into the corner of her couch.
Reaching for the book she had been pretending to read all day, she heard I Am a Rock playing again on the radio. What is with that, she wondered? The DJ must realize that not every one is having that perfect, happy, family oriented, Merry Christmas. This time she really listened to the song and decided that it was definitely the epitome of her life. As the last verse was sung, she noted that she was once again the rock, the island. At least this way she could never get hurt again. Right?
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
As the last two lines played, she burst into tears.
And a rock feels no pain,
And an island never cries.
Okay, so if she was a rock why was she in so much pain? Why couldn't she quit thinking about Lauren Cooper shooting herself right in front of her? Why did she constantly replay Elliot's words, 'Kathy's pregnant.'? Why couldn't she rid her sleep of the terror of Lowell Harris? Why did Mia Lorimer keep bleeding out even though Olivia did every thing she could to save her? Why couldn't she forget Elliot and find someone she could love and that could love her back?
And if she were an island and islands never cried, then why, why was she sitting alone in her wreck of a home, going through a box of Kleenex because the tears simply would not stop?
Trying to take her mind off of all the bad things in her life, she looked around and decided that tomorrow she would try to do some housecleaning and general straightening up of her apartment. She could not remember ever letting it get in such disorder. Depressed. That is what is wrong. She was depressed. She didn't have another appointment with Dr. Fulton until after the new year. She wondered if she could work her in if she gave the doc a call.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Sniffling, she froze, her ears perked for the sound she thought she heard. There it was again. She was not imagining the soft knocking on her door. She knew who it was. There was only one person that would be on the other side of that door. One. Only one.
Forcing herself to stand and make her way to the door, she dragged her hands through her hair. She knew she had to look like something the cat dragged in, but there was not much she could do about it. Ignore him, perhaps? She laughed. Elliot Stabler was not one to take being ignored. She looked through the security glass and saw him poised to knock again. She opened the door.
Their eyes met and they stared at each other. He acted like he was surprised she had opened the door. "Hey."
"Hey."
"Can I come in?"
"Oh…uh…yea…sure." She pulled the door open and stood aside as he entered. Closing the door behind him, she leaned against it and looked at him.
He smiled as he took off his overcoat and hung it on the hook by the door. She noticed that his face and ears were red from the cold and melting flakes of snow left sparkling drops on his head. She wondered where his hat was. When he rubbed his hands together to warm them, she realized he had not been wearing gloves either. He always wore gloves in the winter. His skin would chap and crack and bleed if he didn't.
"What are you doing here?" she inquired in a soft whisper.
He took her in, noticing that she either still had on her pajamas from last night or had already gotten ready for bed tonight. There was not a lick of makeup on her face, which was pale in comparison to her normally darker complexion. Her hair had not been brushed. She seemed thin and tired and he wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her. Just hold her.
"I've been calling you all day. Why didn't you tell me Cragen made you take the week off?" He was careful not to sound accusatory while questioning her.
She looked away, frowning slightly and biting her lower lip. Releasing a deep sigh, she looked up at him, "I had the phones turned off. I'm sorry…I should have let you know. I…I was just…so upset about it…it…I…I'm sorry…"
Wanting to help her out, he interrupted, "It's okay. I just got worried about you, that's all."
She nodded. "Uh…do you want to sit down?"
"Yea."
Turning to follow her to the living room, he was shocked at the chaos the apartment was in. There were cups and mugs everywhere. No plates. Not even one. That meant she was not eating. No wonder she was so thin. Unread mail overflowed one end of the small dining table and a couple of pieces had fallen on the floor. Clothes were draped over every piece of furniture and he counted seven pairs of boots and one pair of tennis shoes in various locations between the kitchen and living room.
They sat in silence, neither of them knowing what to say. Elliot looked around and then caught her eyes, "When do you put up your Christmas tree and decorations?"
Olivia just looked at him and then dropped her gaze to the floor. "I…uh…I don't put up a tree…and I don't have any decorations except for a few ornaments that my mother had kept."
Elliot's mouth fell open, his eyes widened and his eyebrows arched. "You don't put up a tree?" he asked incredulous at the information.
They were into their tenth year as partners and he never knew she did not put up a Christmas tree. He thought his heart was breaking.
"What's the point? I'm not here that much and…well, there's no one else to see it…and it's no fun to decorate by yourself…so…"
"Liv…you gotta have a Christmas tree," he told her, his face still registering his shock.
His declaration made her mad. "Why, Elliot? Because it's what everyone does? Maybe everyone who has someone does it. Maybe families do it. But it's just me! I'm alone! I don't want to put a tree up alone! Okay? Drop it. Please," she was blinking rapidly to hold back the tears that had made an unexpected reappearance.
He saw her glistening eyes and knew he needed honor her request to drop it. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. So…uh…what are you doing for Christmas?"
She rolled her eyes, "Elliot…"
"I mean, gosh, Liv…are you just going to be here by yourself? Weren't you invited somewhere for dinner?" he felt sick to his stomach that he had never really asked her what she did on holidays. He just assumed she had somewhere to go.
"What part of 'I am alone. It's just me,' don't you understand, Elliot? That's why I have always volunteered to work the holidays. I don't have anyone. The few friends I have spend the day with their families. I don't belong to a family so if I can let others be with their families then that helps me, too. I don't have to think about being alone all the time," she was looking down at the floor, wiping at her eyes.
She had no idea why she was telling him all of this. She had no idea why she was crying about it. She had managed to keep it to herself for nine and half years so why was she spilling it all now?
"That's why you were upset about not working this week? Because now you just sit here and think about being alone?" he hurt for her and wished he could comfort her somehow.
Her index finger and thumb wiped at her eyes and then pinched the bridge of her nose. She sniffled and he could not take anymore. He moved from the chair to sit beside her on the couch and pulled her into his arms.
"Oliva…you are not alone. As long as I am around, you are not alone," he whispered into her hair. Instead of pulling away like he thought she would do, she melted into him. He held her for several minutes before she spoke again.
"But you have your family, El, and I can't be a part of that, but thank you for telling me I'm not alone. It means a lot even if I can't share the holidays with you," she hugged him and then stood up.
"Liv…" he took her hand but she pulled it from his grip.
"Listen, I appreciate you coming by and all, but I'm really tired and I just want to get a shower and go to bed, okay?"
"Okay." He stood and looked at her for a minute and then walked to the door. He stopped and turned back. "You…uh…mind if I call and check on you tomorrow?"
"Of course not," she smiled.
"That mean you're gonna have your phone turned on?" he grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at her.
"Yes."
Stabler Residence - Monday, December 22 – 9:00 p.m.
On the way home Elliot had decided exactly what he was going to do. He had a lot of things to tell Olivia but first he had to get Christmas in order. His Christmas tree stood in the corner by the window. The multi-colored lights flashing against the backdrop of the snow coming down outside lit up by the lamplight was mesmerizing. Dickie had cut the tree and they all helped decorate it. He remembered how much fun they had singing along with Christmas CDs, eating popcorn, drinking soda and teasing each other as the tree filled with ornaments and tinsel. He wanted that for Olivia. She had to have a Christmas tree.
She also had to know she was not alone and she would never be alone again if he had his way. Just thinking about her made him want to hear her voice. It was only nine. Had she really taken a shower and gone to bed so early? Her phone was off all day. He would call and let it ring twice. If she didn't answer he would hang up because he did not want to wake her. He dialed memory one and waited. One ring…
"Thought you were gonna check on me tomorrow," she said softly.
He smiled because she picked up before the first ring finished and he could hear the smile in her voice, "I couldn't wait that long."
"You're a wimp, Stabler," she laughed.
"Yea…but you love me anyway," he teased, rolling his eyes at his choice of words.
Silence. What was she supposed to say to that, she wondered?
"Liv? You still there?"
"Yea."
"I…uh…I just wanted to tell you goodnight," he held his breath hoping she wouldn't go off on him.
"Okay…goodnight, Elliot."
"Goodnight, Liv."
"El?"
"Yea?"
"Thanks for checking on me." She hung up and Elliot felt his heart swell the love he had for this woman.
SVU Squad Room – Christmas Eve, Wednesday December 24 – 4:20 p.m.
The last two days had been hectic. He had managed to call Olivia twice during the day yesterday but only once today as well as call her both nights before going to bed. They had talked only briefly two nights ago but last night they talked for almost two hours. He smiled at that, thankful that things were better between them.
He and Fin had worked through seven cases in two days, but nothing drawn out. Just a lot of paperwork. They had finally waded through it all and turned in the last of the DD5s to Cragen. The afternoon had been quiet and he was hoping to get out a little early. He had a lot to do.
"Captain? You mind if I head out a little early. I need to take care of some things," Elliot stuck his head in Cragen's office.
"I think we can handle it. Merry Christmas, Elliot," Cragen smiled.
"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you, too," Elliot saluted him.
"Oh…and tell Olivia 'Merry Christmas' for me," Cragen grinned and picked up a report he had been reading.
The shock on Elliot's face nearly had Cragen falling out of his chair, "Uh…yes, Sir. Yes, Sir, I will." How'd he know I was going to see Olivia, he wondered?
Benson Residence – Christmas Eve, Wednesday, December 24th – 6:03 p.m.
Putting the last sack of groceries on the counter, Olivia sighed. After Elliot's visit Monday and subsequent phone calls the last couple of days, she found that she was coming out of the funk she had been in and even had it in her to go to the corner market and pick up a few things. She had forgotten it was Christmas Eve and the market was a madhouse, but since there had been nothing edible in the apartment, she ended up with several bags more than she had intended.
She put on a kettle of water for her tea and began putting up the groceries. When she finished she made a cup of tea and was just about to decide what she could eat for dinner when she heard a thud outside her door. As she started toward it, someone knocked. She looked through the security glass and saw the top of Elliot's head as he bent over. Opening the door she came face to face with a grinning Elliot Stabler holding a Douglas fir tree, that towered over him, upright with one hand and several bags in the other.
"Elliot?" she was puzzled, shocked, but smiling.
Smiling. That was good, he thought. She was smiling. "Hey, Liv. Give me a hand here," he extended his hand full of bags and she took them from him.
"What are you doing?" she watched as he wrestled the tall tree into her apartment.
"What's it look like I'm doing? This is a Christmas tree. Not just any Christmas tree, mind you. It's your Christmas tree," he grunted as he pulled it through the doorway.
"Elliot…"
"Your Christmas tree that you and I are going to decorate. Together," he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.
She nearly fell over at the gesture. They did not do this. Kiss. He kissed her. Yes, just on the forehead, but still, they did not do this.
"You should be at home with the kids and Ka…"
"I'm where I want to be, Liv. Just let me do this, okay?" His blue eyes met hers and she would have let him do anything he wanted if he kept looking at her with those gorgeous baby blues.
She couldn't say anything. She opened her mouth but she could not find the words. He was 'where he wanted to be'. Well, far be if from her to argue about that.
"Oh…" he pulled a bag with four CDs in it from his coat pocket, "Would you mind putting these in the CD player? Gotta have Christmas music when we're decorating."
She took them from him and smiled. 'The Beach Boys Christmas', 'Mannheim Steamroller Christmas Collection', 'Christmas at the Brooklyn Tabernacle', and 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipmunk Christmas? She laughed out loud.
"What?" Elliot asked looking up from the trimming the bottom of the tree.
"Alvin and the Chipmunks?" she shook the CD at him.
"Hey, it's a tradition at the Stabler house," he grinned. "So, we'll make it a tradition here, too."
She just smiled and nodded and put the CDs in the player.
"There's a stand in one of the bags. Can you get it, please?" he picked up the tree and took it near her window.
She came with the stand and he dropped the tree in it. "Here, hold the tree while I tighten the screws."
"You're mighty bossy tonight," she smirked as she took hold of the tree.
"Well, someone's gotta be in charge…and I do this every year," he winked at her.
Once he had the tree secured they stood back to make sure it was straight. It was. They smiled at each other. Elliot got the rest of the bags and found the lights. She held them while he put them on and thirty minutes later they plugged it in and watched as the tree lit up with every color in the spectrum. Elliot stole a glance at Olivia and was rewarded by the look of awe on her face. He watched her for a long minute. She looked like a little girl thrilled with the prospect of Christmas morning. Good. No more 'bah, humbug', he thought.
"You ready to do the ornaments?" he had stepped closer to her and leaned to whisper in her ear, his right hand at her back.
Shivers ran down her spine at his touch on her back, his warm breath against her face and his deep voice in her ear. "Sure," she said shakily, picking up a bag and sliding out a box of red and gold ornaments.
They sang 'Joy to the World' and 'Jingle Bells' and he pulled her into a dance for 'Rocking Around the Christmas Tree'. She could not believe they were dancing together. He was holding her like she was special, like she meant something to him. Then Elliot had Olivia in stitches as he sang along with Alvin to 'All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth'. She could not remember ever laughing so hard.
When they finished singing 'Silent Night', Elliot who was sitting on the floor putting the tree skirt on, looked up at Olivia. "I never knew you could sing," he told her. "You have a beautiful voice." The look in his eyes was something she knew should not be there. But she so wanted it to be there. To be real.
She felt the heat rush to her face, "Thank you. I guess that's something good I got from my mother. She had a wonderful singing voice and taught me to sing, too." She hung the last ornament and stood back to admire the tree.
"What do you think?" he asked her, his eyes locked on her face.
Her eyes sparkled with the reflection of the lights and she whispered, "It's beautiful, El. Beautiful."
Elliot stood up and as he walked past her, he told her, "So are you, Olivia." He went to the door, opened it and brought in one more bag. Pulling some green garland from it, he began unwinding it. He handed one end to Olivia and they hung it across her entertainment center and the kitchen counter. Then he produced two stockings from the bag and held them up.
"Elliot!" she gasped when she saw them.
They were so elegant. The silk was a deep, deep red, almost wine color and they were embroidered with gold trim and their names. 'Olivia' in a fancy golden stitching on one and 'Elliot' on the other. She turned to him at a loss for words. He had gotten stockings with their names on them. Their names. This had to mean something, didn't it?
"We'll hang them right here," he put them side by side hanging to the right of the television on the entertainment center.
She watched him, totally amazed at what he had done. "Elliot, I don't know how to thank you…and I don't want to rush you, but you really should be at home, don't you think?" She hated to keep him from his family but she didn't want him to go either.
"Liv…it's okay. Kathy took the kids to North Carolina to her sister's house. Their whole family is meeting there for Christmas," he told her like it was no big deal.
He was not going to be with his family on Christmas and he was calm about it? "What? Why aren't you with…" she started but he changed the subject.
"Oh, what have we here?" He patted at the toe of her stocking. "Liv, I think there is something in here." He motioned for her to come to him.
She was still reeling from his announcement. Kathy and the kids were in North Carolina and Elliot was in New York and he was with her when he should be with his family and she was totally confused. Again. It seemed like things between them were wrought with confusion and complications. Eyeing him warily, she slowly walked toward him. He handed her the stocking and nodded toward it. She looked at him and slowly reached her hand in it and pulled out another ornament.
Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open as she held it up. She looked incredulously at Elliot and found he was grinning from ear to ear. She was absolutely and definitely confused now. The ornament was two police officers, male and female, their heads leaning together, encircled by a red heart. Their shields had Olivia and Elliot's badge numbers on them and there was a sign across the bottom that read 'Our First Christmas Together 2008' with their names, 'Olivia and Elliot' across it. She kept looking from the ornament to Elliot, a look of pure bewilderment on her face. Elliot broke out in a hearty laughter but she still stood there.
What was he doing, she wondered? 'Our First Christmas Together'? Did he mean it from when they first partnered? No. Of course not. It had the current year on it. Insane. That was it. She had gone insane or this was a dream. She needed to wake up. This ornament thing? It was something lovers did. But they were partners, best friends. He was married. Her mind was going in all directions, her heart was pounding furiously and she wanted to ask him what all this meant, but she could not find her voice. The ornament had a heart around it. Partners didn't do hearts. Neither did friends.
"Hey, what do you think about hanging it right here…in the center…so it's the first thing anyone notices?" he held the ornament at eye level right in the front of the tree.
She still had not found her voice, so she nodded. At least she thought she had managed to nod. He sounded so proud of the ornament. He wanted it to be the first thing 'anyone' notices? She didn't know what to make of that either.
He turned to her and took her by the arms just below her shoulders. "Liv, I've got one more thing for you." He watched her face carefully. Her eyes widened just slightly and she licked her bottom lip before pulling it in to bite on it. He loved this habit of hers.
Finally, she was able to get words to slip past her throat again, "El…you've done so much already…and I…I didn't get you…I mean…I don't have anything for you…"
He smiled, thinking she has given him more tonight than she would ever know or understand.
"Liv…I gotta give this you," he handed her the stocking again. "Check way down in the bottom of the toe."
Reaching into the bottom, the stocking came up past her elbow. Her eyes never left Elliot's. He had that Stabler smirk going and she could not help but smile back. She felt something cold, hard and she was pretty sure metal. As she pulled it out, she was positive it was a ring. He was giving her a ring? No way! Her hand slid from the covering of the stocking and she held the contents in her closed hand. She was still looking at Elliot. It was a ring and it had a ribbon tied around it and she was scared to death to open her hand. Her fist was closed so tightly her knuckles were completely white.
Elliot's smirk softened into a tender smile and he placed his right hand under her right and left on top of it. "Open your hand."
"Elliot…" her whispered voice cracked and her hand began to shake.
He held her hand tighter and stroked her fingers, "Liv…open your hand, baby."
Baby? He called her 'baby'. This was definitely a dream and she would wake up any time now. She blinked at him, looked down at their hands. It was then that she noticed he was not wearing his ring. His wedding ring. Slowly, hesitantly, she opened her hand.
There in the middle of her palm was a golden wedding band. A red ribbon was tied in a bow around it. The ring he had worn all those years was lying in her palm. Elliot's wedding band was in her palm.
She looked up at him and he took a deep breath. "I only went back because of Eli. Within a couple of months, we both knew, Kathy and I, we knew it was a mistake. I stayed because that's what good Catholics do. We made each other miserable. After that mess in court with Kathleen, things got really bad between us. Kathy said I wasn't the man she married," he laughed. "Then the undercover thing…she wouldn't let it go, Liv. And I couldn't let it go…seeing you like that…it only reinforced how much I loved you. I couldn't take it anymore. I told her that after the holidays I wanted out. She said why wait. So, the week of Thanksgiving I moved back to the place I had before. Been renting it out. We talked to our attorney. Seems we never stopped the divorce proceedings from before. We had to wait thirty days after getting a judge's signature for the divorce to be final. Monday was thirty days, Liv."
She just stared at him, rendered mute by all his confessions. "Liv? Say something?" She couldn't.
"It's been a long time coming, Liv. It's something I should have done years ago, but, well…"
He moved out a month ago and didn't tell her. She didn't notice anything was different. She had been too caught up in her own problems this time. He had moved out and he couldn't find his gloves and hat because everything was still packed up. Is that what happened? And the divorce? It was final. Is that what he said? Final? Her mind was racing, attempting to process all he was telling her.
"What do you mean 'it's something you should have done years ago'?" she finally asked.
"After Gitano, when we sort of admitted what we felt for each other…I should have signed the divorce papers right then, Olivia. I know everything fell apart after Gitano, but that was when I finally admitted to myself that I love you. Not as my partner or best friend, but as a woman. I realized I had fallen in love with you, but you scared me because I have never felt like this about anyone. And rather than risk losing you as my partner and friend, I pushed you away as a potential lover and nearly lost you anyway." He raked his hands through his hair.
"Liv, can we talk all this heavy stuff later? I just want you to know that you don't have to be alone anymore. Ever. If you want me, I'll be right here with you. Always, Liv. I just gotta know…are you okay with this? With you and me? Us? I mean, I know you used to have feelings for me…but…well…if you don't still…"
Olivia stepped up to him and took his face in her hands and brought him down for a long, tender kiss. Breaking away, she slid her left hand down to his right and pulled him to the tree. She took his wedding band and hung it by the ribbon right below the 'Our First Christmas Together' ornament.
"I'm more than okay with this, Stabler…and, for the record, I never stopped loving you…and I never will," she turned to him and this time he pulled her to him and kissed her as their tears mingled together on this never to be forgotten Christmas Eve in a deep and dark December that had suddenly been filled with the brightness of a true love that was at long last finally allowed to begin its journey.
And a rock feels no pain,
And an island never cries.
Looks like it's going to be a Holly Jolly Christmas afterall!!
eoeoeoeo