Disclaimer: KHR doesn't belong to me. Do something better than discuss it.
The song parts (in italic centralized) belong to "Hate Me" by Blue October. I took the first part in a fic, it was Love at first sight.
Warning: English is not my mother language, so apologize for eventual mistakes.
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Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burningin my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
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21
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80 - 59 = 21
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Tips of fingers tapping against the soft surface of the baseball.
His own reason tapping against himself.
"Happy 21, Gokudera."
Yamamoto was only a face hidding between his arms.
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"In the end, are you comming with me or not, you baseball idiot?"
"No, I'm not going anymore, Gokudera."
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Four. That was the number of years they knew each other. That was a number that doesn't made any sense, because they weren't friends, or enemies, or anything.
And they were so many things, impossible to fit in a logic square.
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"We shouldn't do this, Yamamoto..."
"So don't do it.."
"It's your fault! You are... you are teasing me! You asshole! I don't like you!"
"Hayato... you should stop saying these things. I'm still gonna believe them."
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Time was enough for trying, right? Nobody could say he was weak. Nobody could say he didn't try, he didn't fight...
But everybody could say, out loud, he was really an idiot. Gokudera was right, all the time. Yamamoto was na idiot, and keep being and idiot even four years after.
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"What are you doing here, baseball freak? Didn't you say you don't wanna get involved with me anymore?"
"I'm saving you, Gokudera!"
"I didn't ask for...!"
"Yep, I know, I know, Gokudera. Everybody knows. Now, give me your arm, c'mon."
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It wasn't easy to laugh. It never was, actually.
And it wasn't easy wield a sword when what he really wanted it was to run from there with the Smoking Bomb in his arms, running away from anything that could harm them both.
Yes, them both. Yamamoto knew how strong he was, and he wasn't afraid of another scar. He was scared of the words coming from the Storm Guardian's mouth, always spoken so closely, hurting so much everything he always tried so hard to protect.
And to not show fear, he laughed.
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"I did not need his help, got i? Stay away from me with your stupid sense of help!"
"You're already fine, aren't you Gokudera? Hahaha!"
"Tch, what are you laughing about, asshole?"
"Nothing, nothing."
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Sometimes, he got tired.
He was tired of protecting himself in the fights with so many enemies in front of him.
He was tired of protecting himself from the wounds the other Guardian used to yell at his back.
Because Gokudera used to hurt him with all the intentions of doing it, that was a fact. As so real and tangible fact as being around him was something that made Yamamoto to feel complete.
But much care and vigilance, all the time, every single time, were so heavy bales…
That one day without a number, Yamamoto got tired.
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"I don't wanna listen to you, Hayato."
"Yamamoto, wait, what the hell! What have I done this time?"
"You… you don't really know, do you?"
"I wasn't here asking if I knew, bastard!"
"So I'll split it out. But you'll shut up right now, and listen to me."
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It wasn't good to get angry.
It wasn't good, also, to pretend every following day your world was out of place.
It wasn't good to wield your sword without a true reason.
But, it was better a half Yamamoto, than a whole one always broken.
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"I don't get it! Why can't I do it?"
"If you thought calmly instead keep screaming about it…"
"And what do you think you're doing here, your asshole? You came to guarantee that I'm the only one who can't do it properly?..."
"I came to help."
"So hurry up, baseball freak. Tell me how to..."
"Don't misunderstand the things, Gokudera. I'm helping the Family, not you. After you had adjusted your new system and help Tsuna we can keep ignoring each other existences."
"So, so leave! You can go freely because I don't need your fucking help!"
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What else could he have done, but obey him? He left.
A knock on the door e the arms left his face. He didn't get up, asking for anything beyond his roof, in heaven, so could not to heart what he already knew.
"Yamamoto... about Gokudera… I know he's fine but… but he isn't back yet…"
"He'll find his way home by himself, Tsuna. Wasn't it what the kid said?"
"I-I know, but I thought you were…"
"And I am… Hahaha, sorry Tsuna, but you have other things to worry about but me, right?"
Tsuna whispered Yamamoto's name, without knowing what else to say. The Rain Guardian didn't move.
The door closes without any sound.
All by himself again, Yamamoto turned again to the roof. His eyes occasionally stare at the sword, so lonely on the wall, and the soft the baseball lying beside him on the bed.
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"I said I would believe you, Gokudera."
"Takeshi... about everything you said, what do I answer now?"
"I didn't do any question. I don't want answers."
"So what the fucking hell do you want from me?"
Breath. Walk. Go out.
"Close the door when you go."
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Jump ball! Sword in hand, only one second.
Two halves balls hit the floor.
And a half Yamamoto tells himself: "Tomorrow is 22."
But it's a lie. Everyday is always 21.
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Hate me today, hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
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27nov09