Disclaimer: I don't own
AN: I've read too many stupid and ridiculous stories, this is my way of breaking my writer' s block down, so I can do some serious work, and calling out those bad stories. So if you can indentify your story with this one, you must have a bad story! Fix it!
Disclaimer is dramatically long, usually sounds whining and begs to own either the series or the characters in it
Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, but I wish I owned it cause then Harry and Draco would belong to me! ME! ME! Not JK Rowling, but me!
Insert incredible stupid author's note about her life, what she likes to eat, and who she loves!
Author's Note: My name is Sara. I like eggs, and oooh… I love Draco, especially covered in chocolate and whip cream! Yummy!!!!
Story tends to begin in same way; Hermione gets on the train or if you prone to Pureblood Hermione, you'll be used to Option B
Option A)
Summer was over and Hermione had just gotten to Platform and Three Quarters. She was all excited because she looked so freakin' hot now. She straightened her hair out! She even got highlights and blonde in it. She is wearing tight jeans and a tank top to show off her new curves. Hermione Granger is back and she has changed her personality. She is hot and has a new attitude. The boys stare, drooling over her new hot look. Whoa! Where did that new girl come from? That can't be book worm Granger, she's all hot and not a book worm now! Wonder did her IQ dropped when she applied that pound of makeup on her face!
"Hey, Ron and Harry!" She yells, running up to hug them her as always. They are a hugging type group and hugs are always shared.
Ron is cute now, he is tall and muscular and his red hair is all messy. Harry is hot too, he is tall and muscular and his black hair is even messier. The boys were looking hot!!!
"Wow, Mione!" Ron always says this. He is the first to compliment her looks. "You look hot and sexy and fine and stuff!"
You know where they went after the exchange of "hotness" into the compartment! Ginny is there and she is also hot. But of course, she can't be as hot as Hermione is. Hermione is the hottest girl at Hogwarts! Duh!
Ginny and Harry are all lovey dovey. Ron doesn't like it. Hermione doesn't reading books anymore, but she is listening to her CD player or IPod. An American rock band is playing.
When all of a sudden, guess who shows up… like he always does. Even though in the series, he doesn't tend to come to their compartment on the first day. But hell! It's that hottie with a body, Draco Malfoy! We ignore his "bodyguards" Crabbe and Goyle. They are either eating or looking like big idiots. Hahaha!
Hermione stares shockingly, when Malfoy got so hot? He was sexy, but today he was just… HOT AS HELL!
Of course, Draco is also thinking the same thing. When did Mudblood Granger get so sexy, yummy and she is all curvy now? "Scarhead, Weasel and Weaslette…" has nothing else to say but greets them.
"Oh shut up, ferret face-- Can be substitute with: ferret, slime, or scum
Ron gets up and tries to attack Draco after some witty or mean comment he says. Hermione and Harry hold his robes back!
"I'm gonna get you Malfoy!" Ron is still an imbecile.
Hermione then says, "He's not worth it!" This somehow calms everyone down, even though Ron was seconds from getting his ass kicked.
Option b)
Hermione is looking all punk nowadays and she knows how to skateboard. Hermione's hair is black with red streaks- alternatives: black with blue streaks, white with mixtures of the rainbow, or just black. She has on lots of jewelry and wristbands and all that jazz and she doesn't know if she is punk, skater, emo, or just plain ole' Goth. More than likely punk as her black tank top says "PUNK" in red letters.
OH DID I MENTION THAT HERMIONE IS PUREBLOOD TOO! Yep, she doesn't know if she is a Zambini or has some strange, out of this world, weird ass French last name. But who knows, her dad could even be VOLDEMORT!!!!! GASP
We don't know her "true identity" but we will find out. How? A relative of hers will show up out of the blue as such or first her parents take her to the living room and tell her about it, then a relative shows up or someone from the school tells her. But my story is going to have the first one!
A lady suddenly appears in Hermione's living room. Her parents look all scared because they know her. She has beautiful blonde hair and purple eyes. She favors Hermione a lot, who looks nothing like her parents by the way. Hermione is all hot now. Her parents are frumpy looking.
"Hermione Zambini!" She says in a cold voice.
"MY NAME IS HERMIONE GRANGER NOT HERMIONE ZAMBINI." Hermione screams, "MOM… DAD TELL HER!"
Dad says, or Mom says (who cares which says what); they aren't in the story anymore after this anyway; even though they have been her adopted parents for years and she doesn't even send them a letter or visit them. "Hermione, I'm sorry it's true. You are not a Granger, you are a Zambini. You are pureblood."
"Oh so that means Malfoy will suddenly fall for me cause I'm pureblood now!"
Dad or Mom nods. "Yes, you will begin an argument and Malfoy will call you a mudblood. After that you will either say Guess again, ferret, I'm more pure than you are or Ha, you are like so wrong. "
"Come now, Hermione." The cold lady says, "I'm Sarah Beth (HEHE, THAT'S THE AUTHOR'S NAME TOO!) Zambini, the mother of Blaise. I must take you to our fabulous, beautiful manor that is next door to the Malfoys."
"Are Blaise and Draco best friends?"
Sarah Beth rolls eyes, "ah, duh! They have to be. Draco comes over like every day and hopefully romance will build up by you and him seeing each other every day like that."
"But Blaise and Draco have never said anything to each other in the series… ah… I mean at school."
"Cause duh, they have a secret friendship."
Pansy Parkinson is a major factor in a lot of cliché, ridiculous stories
Oh hell… the screeching and whining sounds of Pansy Parkinson hurts every ears; she is a pug nosed girl and is a slut too! Even though she has never shown interest in anyone, but Draco and that interest isn't that great either. She is wearing slutty clothes because she is a slut and is the rival of Hermione. But Hermione is the hottest, so we don't care.
"OH DRAKIE POO alternatives: DRACIE POO." Pansy is hugging the hottie Draco tightly. "DON'T LEAVE ME, DRAKIE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. LET'S DO THE NASTY TONIGHT."
Draco looks all disgusted; even though in the series, he does not dislike or hate the girl. "Pansy get off me you pug nosed whore!"
"But DRACIE!" Pansy is whining again, like she usually does. "All girls in Slytherins are sluts, that's what the author and the readers like right??? So I have to play the role of a girl that is nothing like me. I have to be whining, I have to be a whore. Cause… I'm here for a quick and humorous laugh." (STARES TOWARD WRITER WHO HAS DONE THIS OR READER WHO HAS ENJOYED READING WHORE PANSY) "I hope you are happy that you distorted my standing in this school! I freakin hate you!" Back in character, "Oh Dracie poo, I love you!"
COMMON ARGUMENT DIALOGUE
RON AND DRACO
Draco: I hate you, weasel. You try to steal Hermione again; I'll rip off your head.
RON: FERRET FERRET FERRET FREAKIN' FERRET
(Doesn't expand toward any other dialogue)
HARRY AND DRACO
Draco: I hope you die… permanently, scar head or pothead or Scarface. I have a better range of insults.
HARRY: SHUT UP! FERRET! FERRET! FERRET! FERRET!
HERMIONE AND DRACO
Draco: You're a mudblood (or a bushy haired know it all), I hate you too
Hermione: You're beneath us… FERRET!
Draco decides to change!
"Hey, Ron, Harry." Draco greets them as they come into the Head Boy and Girl common room. Draco is head boy now. Because Hermione is head girl, as always; the common room is in the school colors and extremely gorgeous. Draco has his own room and Hermione has her own room. They even got their names written the door! Why? They might get their rooms confused. Duh! Oh yeah, their rooms are in their house colors too. Draco's room is black, green, and silver. Hermione's room is gold, burgundy, and white.
Ron looks surprise. "Did you just call me Ron!??" That is his name, but you know, the kid is an imbecile.
Draco looks sheepish. "Yea… because of Hermione loving me, I want to be good now. Like she is, Hermione wouldn't date an evil, sinister death eater!"
"And how do you know that?" Harry asks.
"Because I always turn good in stories, I even join sides with you guys to fight the baddies!" Draco says happily, all smiles and bubble gum now. "I think I want to be a Gryffindor now!"
"Good!" Harry says, "You all want to go and get butterbeers and stuff?"
"So that's it?" Draco asks. "Seven years of hatred from you guys, washed down just because I think I want to turn good now?"
"Yeah, I mean… if Hermione loves you, then we love you too." Harry says.
Draco nods. "Yeah, I lost all of those awesome Slytherin traits that made me who I am. I'm no longer ambitious, ruthless, witty, sarcastic, and all things that make this author love me. I'm… just Harry Potter nowadays in Malfoy's body."
Curse of the OC's… because I hate them with a passion. There are varies own created characters in the story and these three seem to be the most popular: a) Hermione's new best friend b) A brand new student c) A student who the Gryffs don't notice until now
A)
Hermione's new best friend was Ashleigh. She and Hermione were the best of friends. They knew each other in the muggle world too! They have been friends since forever and a day! Ashleigh was hot, but Hermione was hotter. This is only because Ashleigh had straightened out her hair and stuff. (Yes! This is the mysterious friend or cousin that always does Hermione's new straight hair style).
Ashleigh is all snappy with attitude and can put anyone in their place.
"Shut up, ferret, my girl Hermione is hot and you know it too." Ashleigh is independent, new, fresh, and is the new HP character! She is in the story so freakin' much; you'll think JK Rowling put her in there. She also comes up with some weird, stupid way of putting Draco and Hermione together.
B)
Everybody in the room starred at the new, gorgeous girl. She had long, flowing blonde hair and beautiful, gorgeous purple eyes. Her clothes were beautiful. She was beautiful. She seemed powerful and probably possessed some type of weird power like telekinesis because she is what the author pictures herself as. Her name was Lily Macbeth Raine Storming Angelic Kierah. Well, Lily Macbeth Raine… (Insert rest of the painstakingly long, obviously overdone name), ends up falling in love with Harry Potter. She also befriends Hermione, but her beauty is so beautiful, most girls tend to dislike her. Most guys love her, that's because she is one forth vampire and one third Veela. Her eyes also changes colors too! They are purple most of the time, but when she gets mad, which is rare, they turn red! They turn blue when she is sad. Because Lily Mac… whatever… always is sad, cause she is the beautiful, sad little butterfly girl with pale skin and big eyes. Oh yeah, she gets Draco and Hermione together too, but instead of exhibit A's way, she does it using her cool powers.
C)
Harry was starring at his classmates and then this girl just pops out of nowhere. She was so beautiful! Why haven't he notice her before? He glances down at her crest, because duh! She was in Slytherin. But she was so beautiful. He watches as she chats to Malfoy. Her hair was black and had silver streaks in it. She wore black eye makeup and would be like those muggles Goths or punks.
"Yeah, I'm the girl you all haven't notice before. I'm beautiful, I'm bad ass too!" Vicious Demonic screeches. Yes, her name is Vicious Demonic, because duh! The girl dresses bad ass and she's a Slytherin. Her family is also best friends with Draco's family and they all are evil Death eaters. Except she wants to be good and is secretly in love with Harry Potter; only her best friend, Draco knows this.
Oh yeah, she too end up getting Draco and Hermione together! Like they couldn't do it without a third party, she uses her witty, sarcastic nature to bring them together. When in reality, what she thinks is wit, is actually pretty damn annoying.
Ending Author's Note is usually begging, pleading, or dying for reviews but in different manners. Some will bribe, others will cry for it, and some will even hold the story for ransom)
Bribery:
If you give me some reviews, I'll give everyone a cookie and a date with Draco! Ooh… you know you want it, so review!
Beg:
Please, please, please review my story. I love reviews and it will make me very, very, very happy! Please review!
Bullying:
If you don't review my freakin' story, I swear to insert religious preference I will never ever update this story. So you better give me ten reviews or the next chapter will NOT be out. Trust me, I know people in high places!
And the thing I hate most… drum roll!!!)
Please don't flame me, because I'm just a beginner writer or I'm just young and bla freakin' bla.
What the hell? When you post a story on this website, it doesn't matter how young or lack of experience, you are expected to take the good with the bad. Not everyone is going to like your story, so don't start crying when you get flamed by one of those organized flaming societies on here! Because they purposely search through stories until they find an author that says something like that. They know that the author knows her story is bull crap and will skin you alive for it!
Yes, I hope some author out there, actually does take some of the hidden advice in this story close to heart. If you didn't understand what I was saying; here are the main points.
No Clichés
No Overused OC's
No OOCness
No begging for views, simply ask!