Confessions of a Vampire's Lover
Chapter 1: Where it all began
Summary: The girl next door finally fell in love with the bad boy. But it's never that easy. The good girl is someone rediscovering herself and the bad boy is the vampire who sets out for revenge. She's in love and he's just in it for revenge. B/A Buffy is not the Slayer in this world but Angel is still the vampire without a soul.
Rated: T
Disclaimer: The characters used are from Buffy verse, created by Joss Whedon. So don't sue!!!!
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It takes time trying to work the glitches in a relationship. Its hard to believe they're there when you are hung over someone. You think you're little lovers tiffs will go away. You see everything right when it's clearly wrong. Love is blind, but its also deaf, mute and insane. When you're in love you do what lovers do. You forget the world and seek refuge in each others arms. That's what I did, when I ran away from my family and friends. I seeked refuge in the man I love's arms. But unknown to me was how this man was not the man I should have run towards. He's the reason I will always be on the run. Today, tomorrow or the day after… Everywhere I go, I will be running. Running, escaping, always fleeing. Because I fell in love with a vampire. And this is my story…
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When I was eight years old, I dreamt of my life being a fairy tale. I guess most girls my age thought the same. I'm the only child and my two parents earned enough to provide a Hilton style lifestyle. I admit, I was spoilt. But my mother kept me rooted and my dad showed me that sky was the limit.
As I grew older I saw the flaws in my plans to marry Prince Charming. This was mainly because the Prince didn't exist in my country, and the nearest Prince I had known about went as a symbol for most of the 1990's. Not my ideal cup of tea… Even though I do like his music. (The old stuff, none of the new age stuff.) But being Buffy #! wouldn't make my mother proud.
My parents divorced after my sixteenth birthday. Not exactly the present I had wanted from them and the party they threw for me was worse! My mother crying and my dad ranting is not what MTV had in mind for the Super Sweet Sixteen show. Not that they actually were present during my sweet sixteen. I was at home with my parents, opening presents whilst I died internally. It's sadistic how it worked out that day. Parents shouting and then throwing MY gifts at each other. But that's life. It works out like that, I guess. Soon after they told me they were going permanent on the separation thing. It broke my heart but I didn't cry. I still hoped that they would work it out. I hoped my fairy tale would come true in the end. I still do…
School after that was traumatising, worse than hell. Everyone was overly sympathetic. People smiled too widely, leaned their head to the side when they asked how I was coping, strangers became my super-good-friends and even the hottest guy in school stopped to greet me one day. I normally would have loved the attention but inside I was breaking and I needed to get out. I soon started to distant myself from my friends. And they too noticed my behaviour, along with my parents, my councillor (who I had to visit as mandatory requirement from my mother after the separation) and my boyfriend… Who then became my Ex. Funny how people react when everything falls apart for you.
I remember one Wednesday morning. It was raining, a lot! More than it had for years. I couldn't concentrate on my lesson; I just kept looking out the window feeling that God was pouring water over the city… It felt like as my tears didn't come out anymore, God found a way for them to leak out anyway. Before lunch I went into the toilets and just sat in one of the cubicles. I couldn't cry. I felt so broken that the tears just didn't seem to come out. I guess my tears had dried up when my parents first separated.
I had always been the good girl. Tried to do my best in school, loved going out with my friends, had few boys after me and just enjoyed being my age. I avoided my parent's argument thinking everyone's parents must argue once in a while. But my parents argued more than that. Much more. They argued every day, every night. Some times they would even come home early to start a fight. I would always joke with them saying that they only argued when they had a good audience in front of them. I just didn't believe that when they were left alone they would still argue. It was always in front of me. They, at times, used me to get back at each other. This went on for years and I never even told anyone. I just didn't want people to know my perfect world was only made up of broken promises.
When I was alone in the toilet cubicle I felt like the stranger in my own life. I understood that my parents needed their own freedom now but where did that leave me? It had been three months after them declaring divorce. It's called declaring… Cause of all the paper work. They couldn't just do it quietly and then tell me afterwards when it was all over. They had to declare it and show me all the ugliness of it all. I guess I should be glad the custody battle didn't happen. My father also declared that he wanted me to stay with my mum. In other words, he didn't want me.
Through all this I kept thinking how I wished I could just leave this whole ugliness behind me. I wished I could just walk away from all this and start a new life. I came to a conclusion then. I could either sit here and feel sorry for myself and live through my life hating what happened or I could stand up and make a difference for myself. I needed to break free and I needed to do it properly. I was sick of my routine. My life was a big routine. Until my parents divorce, I didn't realise it. I was happy with my routine but now I despised it. It was all the same, I lived up to my parent's expectations. I always did what was asked of me, I always worked hard in school, never got in trouble and yet here I was broken when my parents are no longer together. I felt like I had to foundations. My parents always told me what to say or do or even think. With them apart I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore.
Even though I wanted to break free but I wasn't going to runaway. That's not me. I admit the idea sounded very appealing but I also thought logically. If I ran away I would have to face this one day or another. What I needed was to break free completely. Leave this town and never come back.
After I left the toilet I started thinking what my next step will be. I looked at the world and finally saw it as my oyster. I could go anywhere, I'd be graduating in two years and my parents had saved enough to send me to any college of my choice. One thing was for sure, I didn't want to go to a college in this state, or this country. I needed to break free and that meant no ties to where I was from.
The next months were a lot of hard work. I had to work harder to make sure I could get the grades which all colleges would be happy to accept. I also had to try and convince my councillor that I was no longer in the bad state of mind. Even though I was I knew that being under his weekly visits would never let me leave the country. This part of my task was harder than I thought. The convincing had to be done in such a way that no one would notice. A gradual transition would be more convincing. I started by actually eating breakfast… Something I stopped the moment I found out about the divorce. I lost a lot of weight and looked ill most of the time. So eating breakfast would actually bring me out of the dark faze. As it was a gradual transition, I couldn't make the next step until few weeks had passed.
The next step was easy. I just had to start wearing coloured clothing. To hide myself away I had started wearing greys, blacks and browns. Not really so over the edge that I started wearing Goth clothes but just showing enough signs to make people worry. My old wardrobe was at the back, shining brightly to greet me. I didn't really wait to build up on the colours. I just thought I might as well go out in a bang. So I wore my red jumper dress, black tight jeans and left my hair out. I have blonde, long hair so it shown brightly against the red jumper dress. My mum nearly had a heart attack when she saw my in the kitchen. A lot of my acting was done around my mother as she kept in touch with the councillor. I knew she would be going back to my councillor everyday reporting on the change. So my acting with the councillor didn't have to be award winning. He just ate up my lies like candy.
The third step and probably the last step was to start talking to my friends again. This proved to be a challenge as they had all moved on. My ex was dating my best friend. She was overly excited that I came back to the group, probably so she could show him off in front of me. I didn't care though. It was fine if she wanted him, I had a plan. I knew what I wanted and my ex wasn't it.
My friends always reminded me how I had strayed away. How I was being selfish and closed myself of to them. I didn't listen to them. I probably should have. I knew that most of it was true. I didn't let them help me through all this but my stubborn side got the better of me. I knew that if I hadn't strayed away from my friends I wouldn't have the plan I had in my mind. Even thought at that time the plan was still in the making.
I had another year and half left in high school. And strangely I kept on target. I improved my studies, I even dated a few guys (but only for a week or so; I never got serious enough to stay with anyone). I no longer required visits to my councillor and my mum was starting to feel better about the divorce. I must admit, I felt like I was living a double life. My old self was a disguise and the new me was the under cover person trying to break free. I would do everything expected of me. Never moaning about anything. I just kept a diary that kept myself sane. I wrote down all my dark thoughts and every night I would close the diary and fall in to a dreamless sleep. It was a cold existence. But I had no other choice. I just couldn't feel the warmth anymore.
Rain, clouds, thunder and lightening. I started loving these weather conditions. I loved when it rained. I would sit near my window sill and watch the rain pour for hours. Clouds bought a smile to my face and thunder and lightening excited me. These weather conditions described how I felt inside. It felt like God was showing the world my pain through the sky. I guess this helped me decide my future. I wanted the rain, the clouds, and the thunder. But I also wanted a city life. Where no one knows your name. Where I could walk down a street and be lost among the millions in the city. I knew what I wanted out of my destination. I just needed to find the right one.
In my final year I really concentrated on my future. I applied to every college in the country. This was so my mum won't get suspicious when letters from unknown colleges started to drop through the letter box. I then applied to every university in London. I was putting all my eggs in one basket then. I really wanted to move to London. A place where I can loose myself. There's history there, and none of it included me. I always wanted to travel around Europe and thought if I move to Europe I'd be able to fulfil my wishes.
My excellent grades helped me get into every college in the state plus the well known colleges in the country. My mum was so pleased she kept calling her friends with the good news. But the acceptance never got a smile out of me. The letter I was waiting for still hadn't arrived. I needed to go to London and praying was all I could do now. My grades were good, but apparently not good enough.
I went to school and hid behind my disguise. Prom, exams, nights out were the talks of my group. Everyone was edgy so no one noticed my sadness. It was easier hiding from my friends now as they were all worried about the future too. I spent my free time revising. The only thing I could do that didn't require pretending to be something I no longer was.
It was three months into the final year when I received the letter. An acceptance to University of West London pronounced for its academic achievement and its graduate to work placements. The university was built over 200 hundred years ago and still held strong today. Many of the buildings had been rebuilt to resemble the old architectural design. My heart almost stopped beating for a few second when I read and re-read the letter. I couldn't believe it. By the time I had received the acceptance I had already started forming plans to go to a college in the northern states. But to my relief I didn't have to.
My mum was shocked over two things when I showed her the letter; One) she didn't know I had applied to a university, two) I wanted to go to a country where my grandparents where from (though at the time I didn't think of it as a reason). She started tearing up and telling me how I was the only thing she had left now that she was divorced. I felt guilty for what I had done. But my stubbornness got the better of me. I couldn't back down now. I worked so hard for the last year and I couldn't just stop now. I knew that this road I had chosen would have its difficulties. I knew my mum didn't want me to leave her but I had always done things for her and my dad. I had enough. If I stayed then I might as well willing walk into a mental asylum and register as a resident for life. This move would be hard on my mum but I know one day she will forgive me for it and see that my life in Sunnydale was just one horrible nightmare after the divorce.
I didn't tell my friends about my acceptance. My mum didn't tell her friend either. She was hoping that I would stay in the end. My dad was happier about the news. That really surprised me. He was more than happy to pay for my tuition fees and even said that he would buy me an apartment near the university so I didn't need to worry about rent. I hoped my fathers actions weren't directly pointed at my mother's loneliness but I needed his help. And even though the shit I was put through I still needed a dad for support. Even if he didn't need or want me in his life.
Over emails and text conversations, discrete from my mum, I conferred with my dad about my move. Soon my mum stopped moaning about my selfishness and started helping me with my packing. Even though my exams hadn't finished, my mother needed to pack so she felt like she was involved. She packed and repacked five suit cases and then went out shopping for new things that I might need. She still didn't tell anyone about my acceptance. But I didn't mind. I didn't want anyone to know about it until I had graduated.
My dad actually took most of the responsibility of my move to London. He went to visit my university with me. He spook to the professors and walked around the campus familiarising himself with the place. It felt like he was the one moving to London, I hope dreadfully that he wasn't. Dad bought me a chic apartment in canary wharf. It was a half hour journey by train from the university but the apartment had a 24 concierge, which was the reason dad choose the place. It was a beautiful place. A two bedroom apartment over looking the city. It was on the 11th floor and the view was spectacular. My father's job earned him enough money to fork out for this beautiful apartment. He told me that he would still transfer money into my account, even if I didn't need it or used it.
One day when we were in Leister Square enjoying a late lunch, he confessed his reason behind his kindness. He said that his leaving my mother had nothing to do with me and even though he choose not to fight for my custody that didn't mean he didn't want me in his life. He only choose not to fight for the custody so I wouldn't go through another hell. Which is true, I didn't have to face my parents fighting for me. He felt guilty about distancing himself from me after the divorce, mainly so he could settle himself to his new single life, but also partly because it would cause too many arguments if he kept coming down visiting me whilst my mum tried to move on. The confession did little to comfort me… For they still were divorced. But after that I was able to sleep better at night. And even hope that my new life might turn into something like a fairy tale.
When I returned to Sunnydale, my mother had finally accepted my move. She said she wasn't happy about it but she also said that no matter what she would give her blessings so at least I would be happy.
My friends were still oblivious to my plans. They just assumed I was going to a university within the state, that's what most of the student in my year had planned to do. My graduation was the same as everyone else. Except for one thing. I felt like I had broken the chains that trapped me to Sunnydale. I felt like I was finally given the key to my cuffs and taking them off felt like I had achieved the impossible. Ok, maybe that's how everyone felt when they left high school, but with me it was just that much truer. I told my friends about my move at the graduation party. None of them supported me reminding me of my routine. This made it easier for me to leave them behind.
After graduation, I was spending one month in my personal hell. This was for my mother's sake. Everything in London was set to go. I just had to fly out and start living my new life. I didn't mind spending time with my mum. She told me things I never knew about. Like how she felt during the separation and how she tried to cope after the divorce. When everything was happening, we didn't really talk to each other about it. We kept our distant and now my mum felt it was time to get close again. As a going away present she gave a ruby necklace. It had a gold chain and a massive ruby jewel in the heart of it. It was given to her by her mother and so she passed it to me. It was beautiful. Magnificent even. When I put it on I couldn't match to the beauty of it. Holding it gave me a lump in my throat and even though the moment required me to cry I just couldn't. I thanked my mother and put the locket away knowing that it will only be worn on a very special occasion, if such occasion should ever come.
The month didn't last long. It was time to go. Everything was packed and a lot of my stuff had already been shipped to London via dad. He made frequent visits to the property ensuring everything was in working order. By the time I had arrived in London it was already late in the evening. I took a taxi to my apartment and was greeted by the concierge. The apartment was newly built and so it had marble flooring and windows instead of walls. It had three lifts, and the middle one was used to reach the penthouse, the house above my floor. I used the lift on the right hand side and went up to my floor. There was only one other flat on the same floor and it was apparently owned by a rock band's guitarist and his wife who hardly lived there. They travelled a lot (I'm guessing they were always on world tours) and so the apartment was empty, to my advantage.
When I entered my apartment I felt my loneliness burst out. I stood in the corridor and my emotions raised to the top. I felt my blocked anger and hurt just come out. It felt like I held it together so I could reach this stage and now that it was reached I didn't know what to do. It felt like my plan for the last two years finally fell into place and now I had nothing to work for. Like a beggar becoming a millionaire only to realise that life doesn't just finish after the goal is achieved.
Settling into my apartment didn't take long. Everything was already there I just needed to unpack my neatly folded clothes from my suitcase. I blasted The fray's latest album and tried loose myself in the music. It was cloudy for a late August night, I couldn't see the stars in the sky but below the clouds the street lights twinkled to compensate the lack of starry night.
It wasn't too cold, but enough for me to keep all the windows closed. I had already received my time table for the next semester and in a week's time I had to go to 'fresher's week' so the University could ease me into the college life style.
My life was beginning from here on. I wouldn't be the girl I was before, for that girl was long gone. I died internally when I turned 16 and now I had to start again. I needed to put it all behind me and discover myself again.
Years after that first night in my apartment I wished I used my dad's money to go back home. Everything would change from that moment and I will always hope for a time machine for me to go back to the moment where it all started and change the future.
This is my memoir. This is my confession: I, Buffy Summers, fell in love with the deadliest vampire in the world and this is my story of how it all began.
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This chapter sets off Buffy's back ground so I hope it does justice to the story line.
Please read & review… Thanks!!!