Title: No Substitute
Fandom: Rules (Manga)
Rating: M
Summary: Hikaru thinks back on his life and loves.
Author's Note: Set after the end of Volume 3 of Rules, touching upon events that occurs in 'Hydra' and 'Vanity'.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creator of 'Rules', nor am I making any profits from it.
-oOo-
Hikaru felt his hair lift in the breeze as it entered the open window he sat before. It was cool; pleasant against his skin on this summer morning. It would heat up soon enough as the day went on but at the moment it was nice this early.
He looked up at the sky, watching the clouds scurry across in almost transparent whiteness. His long hair blew across his face, obscuring his vision for a moment until he brushed it aside. He felt the long silky strands slide through his fingers, bringing back a furor of memories. From the moment he had awoken this morning it seemed that everything served to remind him of the past - every sight, every sound, every touch making him feel nostalgic. He'd wondered why at first, his mind unable to even focus on what Yuki was saying as he made breakfast before heading for university. He'd seen the slight frown on his boyfriend's face and had managed to dredge up a smile and reach out to ruffle Yuki's hair lightly before sending him on his way. Now, sitting here by the window, he could guess the answer for his melancholy mood. Today was the anniversary of his break up with Hitomi.
An image of Hitomi's face rose before him and he felt a familiar pang. His lips curled in a half smile. He guessed they were right when they said you never forgot your first true love. Hitomi was the first guy he had fallen in love with, although he hadn't been the last. He'd only been partially attracted to guys before then, nothing more than a passing thought or fancy, a sort of 'he's got a nice body' or 'not a bad arse' kind of thing. But he'd never felt any strong desire to pursue that further, either in thought or action, not whilst he had plenty of girls to go out with. So what had been different about Hitomi? Why had it been him who had drawn him truly out of the closet? Sure Hitomi had been good-looking, still was - one could even say he was beautiful but it wasn't like he was exactly stunning or anything really special.
And it wasn't as though he'd been attracted because Hitomi had looked like a girl or anything; he was hardly effeminate. In fact, plenty of people had told Hikaru he had looked like a girl when he'd been in high school, with his long hair and slender body. That was before he began to mature and fill out and cutting his hair had dispelled that illusion quick enough.
No, it was a mystery even now why Hikaru had gravitated towards Hitomi way back then. It wasn't as though he'd been hard up for sexual partners at that time, he hadn't even been particularly selective. After all he'd been a normal healthy guy with the libido to match. Sex had been interesting, a whole new realm of experimentation to be had and more importantly it had felt good. So it hadn't been due to sexual frustration that had turned him towards Hitomi. Whatever it had been though had drawn him almost immediately until he had found that he couldn't take his eyes away from him. Even the scar that ran over Hitomi's left eye Hikaru had found attractive making him want to reach out and touch it.
He could recall when he had first begun to take notice of Hitomi's presence. Till then he had only vaguely been aware of him; he knew the face and had heard the name but that had been all. They had moved in different circles of friends then so it wasn't like he had really had the opportunity or need to associate with Hitomi in any way. Then Hitomi had been absent from school after his accident and upon his return he had unexpectedly swung into Hikaru's sphere of orbit. His association with Ryuu had pulled Hitomi into conflict with Itou and his cronies which automatically meant Hikaru came to know of him also.
Even then though he hadn't really known anything about Hitomi. When had he first truly thought about Hitomi as a person? Perhaps it was with that girl - what was her name again? Mentally he shrugged, he couldn't remember after this long; she had just been one of the girls at school whom he'd taken a liking to and they'd slept together a few times. It had been pleasant enough but not intended to last and when they had parted it had been with no animosity. But, although he couldn't remember her name now, he could recall she was the first one to bring Hitomi fully into view for him.
His answer about his impression of Hitomi's looks had been completely honest back then – probably more honest than he had realized since it was the first time he'd really looked at a guy in that way. Perhaps that was why suddenly he became so much more aware of Hitomi's presence, seeing how he interacted with Ryuu who had been the newcomer with a dark past. He'd noticed Ryuu also, with his dark brooding looks and melancholy air. It had seemed he was forever trying to keep the rest of the world at bay as atonement for his sins. However it was Hitomi's brightness that had captivated Hikaru. He couldn't stop the way he slowly gravitated towards them – for it was them by that time. Ryuu and Hitomi had already forged a bond, he was the third wheel but even knowing that he couldn't draw away.
He sighed, leaning back against the window frame. He automatically lit a cigarette, slowly smoking. He was trying to cut back but he couldn't seem to give them up completely.
Those had been difficult years. As if being a normal healthy teenage boy wasn't difficult enough with hormones running rampant and a sex drive to match, but to find that he was set on a guy, loving him to the exclusion of other partners, had been a very difficult thing to cope with. He may not have shown it on the outside but internally he'd grappled with the doubts and insecurities, not to mention the concern and fear of how his family and friends would react to his leanings. Only his sister knew what he had agonized over. Without her support he didn't know what he would have done. Although his parents eventually came round to his 'unusual' in their eyes, lifestyle, at the beginning it had been more of sneaking around and lying and then a period of being alienated when he had finally come out to them openly.
So he'd been glad when Hitomi began to spend more time with him than Ryuu though he knew it was more due to circumstances than because Hitomi may really have wanted to. He just wanted Hitomi by his side, to be able to focus just on him and try and forget his worries and concerns. It wasn't that he deliberately wanted to take Hitomi away from Ryuu or ruin their friendship; he just knew that he wanted more than just to be friends and it didn't seem that Ryuu had any inclination to follow the same path with Hitomi. So Hikaru didn't see anything wrong with making his move.
However after they finally had got together it was a bit disconcerting that even when Hitomi didn't see Ryuu he often came up in the conversation. Hikaru couldn't blame Hitomi completely because he knew he still liked Ryuu. It wasn't that Hikaru disliked Ryuu in any way himself. He actually did like the guy although he always thought he was a bit gloomy and needed to lighten up a little. Though he could understand why it would have been difficult for him to do. Ryuu really was a good guy with a kind heart and he would have found it difficult to get over what had happened in his past. So it wasn't exactly Ryuu's fault for how things turned out, and it wasn't Hitomi's fault that he was attracted to him. Hitomi had a good heart also and would have naturally wanted to make Ryuu feel better and accepted. And himself – well, he did everything he could to keep Hitomi happy, even prepared to bring up his rival's name in conversation or go and spend time with him.
Hikaru's lips curled again in a small pained smile. No matter how he had tried to ignore it, Hitomi and Ryuu really were suited to each other – right from the very beginning. He'd always known it even though he'd spent many years trying to ignore that fact. He had been such a fool back then. He chuckled silently. The folly of youth indeed.
He gazed out at the blue sky again, a dark speck flitting across the expanse as a bird winged its way across his view. He had learnt long ago to be happy with what he had. To be happy that Hitomi had come to care for him enough to be intimate. Happy that he was able to share his first time with a guy with someone he truly loved. Though the fact that the other person hadn't loved him back to the same extent still hurt a little, but again he couldn't blame Hitomi for that. Hitomi had made no promises to him; he hadn't really lead him on even. Hikaru had gone into it knowing that Hitomi hadn't sorted out his feelings. When he made love to Hitomi it had always been with a sense of desperation and bitter sweetness for it seemed that there was actually three people in the act; Ryuu's shadow always hovered over his shoulder and it drove him to despair sometimes even whilst he reached new heights of pleasure.
Yet despite all that he still couldn't walk away, desperately clinging to that small hope that whilst things remained unresolved between the two of them Hitomi would choose him in the end over Ryuu. At one time it had even seemed like that had happened but before too long he realized it wasn't to be after all.
When Hitomi returned to Ryuu's side Hikaru really hadn't been surprised. Hurt, a little angry no matter how hard he tried to hide it, but not actually surprised. In some ways he felt he'd been doing nothing but wait for that day to come and in some ways it had been a relief that the uncertainty was finally over. However idiotic it might make him seem he truly did wish them both the best and was happy for them.
He tugged at the bangs falling into his eyes. His hair was long again and bleached – much like it had been when he had first met Hitomi back in high school. He'd worn it long back then and blonde – well, it had been more like a burnished orange than blonde due to a botched home dye job. His friends and family had got used to him changing his hair at various times, both length and colour during the following years. Still he'd never told Hitomi the real reason behind most of it and he was sure the guy had never figured it out.
He'd been happy enough with his long hair in high school and it had certainly been popular with the girls, but not long after meeting Hitomi he'd decided to cut it rather drastically. Gone were the long blonde flowing locks to be replaced with a severe buzz cut which once more showed his natural black. He knew his sister had been shocked by his act.
Everyone had thought he'd done it on a whim but it hadn't been. Part of the reason was exactly as he'd told Hitomi and Ryuu – that his father had lost his temper one night and yanked a handful out. However, he could have still left it pretty much the way it was with only some small changes. There really hadn't been any need to practically shave it all off as he had.
No, that incident had simply provided him with the perfect opportunity. His decision had actually been well thought through. The reason was simply he didn't want to be the same in any way to Ryuu. Since Ryuu had long hair as he did he wanted to differentiate himself so Hitomi would see him for himself. It had seemed to work for a while too. At least that is what he wanted to believe since they had got together when he had looked like that. Later he had known deep down that Ryuu still held an important part of Hitomi's heart so he had began to grow it again, no longer dying it. He had wondered then if when Hitomi ran his hand through the lengthening strands if he was thinking of Hikaru or dreaming of Ryuu. Hikaru knew that he had made that unconscious decision to let it grow again in a desperate bid to imitate Ryuu with the vain hope that he could hold onto Hitomi. It was a last ditch effort although he couldn't acknowledge it back then. Only much later could he realize that that was what it had all been about.
After they had broken up he had thought about cutting his hair again – a simple childish reaction of course. He managed to restrain himself at the last minute but he caved into his emotions and did go back to dyeing it. At least this time the blond was a much better job as he went to a hairdresser's. In some ways it had been his last defiant act to prove to himself that he wasn't like Ryuu and no longer had to try and be. Finally he was free to be just himself.
Hikaru sneezed abruptly and sniffed. He'd done his best to forget Hitomi after that. Not that he cut ties with them completely or anything. There was far too much history between the three of them, the bonds they shared ran deep and were not that easily severed. And he didn't really want to break from them - either of them. It wasn't in his nature to do that to someone he cared about and both Ryuu and Hitomi were still very important to him. But he had been certain to keep a little more distance between them. It hadn't been hard to do really. Between their studies and work and the fact that Ryuu moved to Osaka that distance had naturally formed. It had made it a lot easier over those first intervening years. He'd been immensely grateful for that. Now thankfully he was able to associate with them both with no feelings of discomfort or unease.
He got up and walked on bare feet to the kitchen, opening the fridge and removing a bottle of water. He unscrewed the lid, gulping down half whilst he stood there before kicking the fridge door closed with his foot and making his way back to the window once more. It was definitely getting hotter but it wasn't unbearable and the breeze still served to keep it pleasant enough. He took another long drink, a trickle sliding past the corner of his mouth and coolly trailing down his chin. He reached up and wiped it away with the back of his hand, settling himself back in comfortably.
After Hitomi he hadn't really had any steady partners. A big part had been his inability to let go of his feelings for Hitomi and it hadn't been until recently that he'd finally realized his error in dealing with that. Twice though he had nearly tried to start again with a new relationship.
His thoughts turned to Kagumi; black haired, studious with dark eyes watching from behind glasses. It had been a long time since he'd thought of him and the time they had shared. Once Kagumi had gone to study overseas Hikaru had never heard from him again. Not surprising really as they had made no plans to keep in touch. He wondered why that was. They had been pretty close up till then. Okay, it might have just been for the sexual pleasure initially but he had thought there had been more developing between them. At least he had thought so back then which is why he had seriously thought about speaking to Kagumi and asking if he wanted to make it more official.
However, obviously Kagumi had felt differently. He certainly hadn't been thinking along those same lines. It would have been foolish for him to do so since he had plans to go overseas anyway. What would be the point of starting a serious relationship when you weren't going to be around? He'd been really shocked when Kagumi had told him about his plans to leave. It had hit him hard, like being punched in the guts, and he'd felt his confidence shaken all over again.
Hikaru took another drink of water, wondering what his life might have been like if Kagumi had remained here and they had started going out for real. Would they have still been together? Would he have been able to get over Hitomi sooner if he'd gone out with Kagumi? He half-shrugged. Maybe, but he would never know. He hoped that Kagumi had been successful in achieving his dreams. In fact he was pretty sure he would have been.
He let the empty water bottle roll to the floor, absently kicking it with one foot hanging down. Kagumi had been the only almost serious relationship he'd had between his break up with Hitomi till meeting Yuki. That had been a long time really. It wasn't that he hadn't had other partners but he'd been certain to keep them all very casual. He just couldn't bring himself to become seriously involved with anyone again no matter how nice they were. His failed effort at a relationship with Kagumi had been his only attempt and after that he just didn't have the courage to try again.
However when he had met Tooru later on it had opened his eyes to the possibility again. Tooru had been an enigma; a male prostitute but he wasn't gay, he didn't even like what he was doing but still kept at it. Hikaru could remember the first thing that he had truly noticed about Tooru. It hadn't so much been his handsome face - although he was recognized as quite a beauty - it had been his eyes. Eyes that looked so dead, almost devoid of life as though their owner was simply going through the motions of living with nothing but despair for company. Those lifeless eyes had called out to Hikaru. He couldn't understand why no-one else seemed to see them, to see the inner deterioration occurring within. Why couldn't anyone else see past the seductive smile and enticements to see the deep pain that lay behind it all?
Back then Hikaru hadn't known the reasons behind Tooru's eyes. It was only much later that he learnt more of his past. All he knew at the beginning was that there was more to Tooru than most people seemed to want to see but he'd self-righteously thought that Tooru also wasn't dealing with his problems in the right way; trying to lose himself in mindless sex and a haze of drugs and alcohol. Perhaps he took that high-handed stance simply to avoid analyzing too closely his own emotional unbalance and avoidance of issues. That had been the main reason why he refused to get involved with Tooru, even when the guy had latched onto him pretty much from the start when he began to frequent the clubs in the area. It wasn't that he hadn't found Tooru attractive – what red-blooded guy with such tendencies wouldn't have - but he had steadfastly refused to sleep with him no matter how often Tooru asked or tried to sway him.
There had been another reason also for not sleeping with Tooru. For some reason he reminded Hikaru of Hitomi. Not so much because of looks or even mannerisms but perhaps it had been the sadness in his eyes. Hikaru had seen that same look of sadness and resignation in Hitomi's eyes for many years as he had struggled with his feelings for Ryuu. That same look in Tooru's eyes made Hikaru think that he too had feelings for someone else. Someone unattainable. Hikaru didn't intend to be caught in that cycle and make the same mistake again. He realized quickly enough that Tooru was only pursing him because he reminded the man of someone else, perhaps the one he was pining for, and if he gave into his advance he would be nothing more than a substitute once again He was adamant that he wasn't going through that again. Once with Hitomi had been enough. Again with Tooru would have been pathetic.
So he'd maintained his distance for a long time despite Tooru's insistence. Other's had just told him to sleep with Tooru and get it over with as by doing so it would probably make Tooru lose interest after. They said the only reason for his insistence was because Hikaru was playing hard to get. He had wondered if there was some truth in that but still he refused. He didn't want to be used like that and he had no intention of being just another one of Tooru's clients. He didn't pay for sexual companions and wasn't going to start now. He liked to find his pleasure with mutually consensual partners with no such strings attached like money. So he just couldn't bring himself to sleep with Tooru. However the main reason that held him back was the sadness in Tooru's eyes.
That had all changed on that one night. It had been unexpected in all ways; Tooru had been very drunk and latched onto him as usual and Hikaru had felt a sense of responsibility for him as he had followed him out of the club and refused to leave him. He didn't know where Tooru lived so he hadn't been able to send him home and Tooru was intent on making a scene if he'd tried to put him in a taxi. The only solution had been to take him back to his place and roll him into bed to sleep it off.
When he'd awoken from sleep to feel Tooru's warm breath caressing his shoulder, the light gentle kiss brushing his skin and the whispered 'senpai' he felt that he was seeing the real Tooru finally. There was no pretence in those actions, no feigning of emotion. The pain that Hikaru could hear in that single word was as real as the bed they shared.
When Tooru had begun to try to pleasure him it had taken all his will power to put a stop to it for he couldn't deny he'd been turned on. Tooru was an expert no matter how you looked at it. His refusal had seemed to surprise Tooru who probably hadn't been used to it in his line of work. Especially when he said he was offering it for free. However there was no hiding the expression of shock on Tooru's normally calm face when he had asked who 'senpai' was. That was the first time Hikaru had seen Tooru showing a true unshielded emotion; he was generally so guarded, every word and gesture carefully weighed up to appeal to the person he was with. Tooru was like a chameleon, always reflecting back what a person wanted to see and never showing his true self.
Yet that shock had seemed to have breached Tooru's guard for once. They had talked then, softly in small snippets as Hikaru got more and more of a sense of what was hidden deep in Tooru's tortured soul, the desperation that seemed underlying in everything he did and said, laced with a deep loneliness. When he'd touched Tooru's tattoo, stroking it lightly it seemed they both truly had connected finally, all pretences brushed aside leaving only themselves. When Tooru had asked him if he had had someone special in his life he hadn't intended to answer so honestly but at that time, in the stillness of the middle of the night, the room dimly lit by nothing but the street lights filtering through the window, it seemed impossible for either of them to lie. Admitting it though had hurt, bringing back all his own hurt and loneliness and longing for another's touch and warmth even for a moment. That was when he had accepted the fleetingness of seeking comfort with Tooru, each of them reaching out to the other for ease and offering all they had to give, no matter how meager that might be.
It hadn't just been pity that had made him give in. That had played a part certainly. He pitied Tooru trying to live his life shut away from the real world, seeming to be nothing more than a shadow flitting through others lives, never letting anyone truly see his true self. But it wasn't just pity. He wanted to show Tooru that he did have a place in this world. That he should reach out and truly become a part of this life and let others reach out to him. Hikaru wanted to show him that others could care for him and not just see him as nothing more than a beautiful sex object to be desired for a short time and then tossed aside. He had wanted to do all that and try and convey those feelings to Tooru during that one night, to try and make him believe in himself again and believe in the world and the future. He wanted Tooru to try and find something in this world worth living for again.
Tooru had clung to him that night in a way Hikaru hadn't thought he would ever do. He had always acted so aloof and distant usually with a sardonic smirk on his face that kept him apart from everyone. However, that night as Tooru opened his body willingly, urging Hikaru on to fulfill both their desires he felt that he was truly seeing the real Tooru in that act. There was nothing contrived in the way Tooru had held him so tightly that he could barely move, the way his fingers dug into his back, the whispers of need, the way his body reacted to every touch. Tooru really wasn't just in it for the sexual gratification and release. He wanted to be kissed, to be held gently yet firmly, he wanted something that he could cling to like a lifeline as though he were drowning. Through it all, from start to finish, he seemed to be begging Hikaru to be the one to save him.
In turn Hikaru had tried to convey all the feelings and caring he could whilst they made love. He knew he didn't 'love' Tooru as in a relationship, but he far from hated Tooru as the other had mistakenly believed. The truth was that he knew he did care for him and probably could come to care for him even more if he let himself go which actually frightened him. For this act wasn't all just for Tooru. He was also doing it for himself. He could recall how it felt as Tooru had curled up behind him in bed, arm sliding around his waist and selfishly he wanted that warmth to remain, even knowing it wasn't really for him. He wanted to feel needed, to truly feel wanted by someone.
As he made love to Tooru, Hikaru knew he was trying to make himself forget also. He wanted to remind himself that he could care for others, that there were others who also had felt pain in their lives and he wasn't the only one. The depths to which Tooru had fallen were not that different to where Hikaru was now, they simply expressed it in different ways. Frighteningly Hikaru realized that he and Tooru were actually very, very alike and the desire to be with someone, to hold someone and feel them holding you back, the desire to be with someone who needed you and wanted you was what he wanted to feel. He wanted to remember how it felt to make love with deep passion and caring and that he could do with Tooru – at least for tonight.
When it was over they had both had an epiphany of sorts. Tooru had accused him of being too nice and taking care of him, making him believe that there was something more between them. That was until Hikaru had confronted him with the harsh truth that he was only coming onto him because he looked like his senpai, not because he actually had any special feelings for him. The surprised expression on Tooru's face had confirmed it for Hikaru, even as his heart had squeezed a little painfully at realizing that it was only too true. Yes, trying to go out with Tooru would have been a huge mistake although a part of him was still attracted to the guy, even more now. Not because of the sex - although that had been good - but because Hikaru had seen those small glimpses of the real Tooru which he was sure no-one else had since his senpai had died. He would always cherish that.
They had both sat there in silence then, weighing up their faults and wondering where it would take them. Tooru had looked so sad then, a look that almost broke Hikaru's heart. The words he spoke next weren't planned, they were simply said from the depths of his soul. As he uttered them, telling Tooru gently that someday he would fall in love with someone again Hikaru knew that he was also talking about himself, trying to give encouragement to them both to not completely give up. The way Tooru had half smiled although his face was still sad and lonely as he had added 'Let's hope that day comes soon', he knew that Hikaru was speaking for both of them. It had brought them closer together from that day on.
They had parted company amicably after that and Tooru had been true to his word and stopped chasing Hikaru. They still saw each other around but there was never another night shared together. He had wondered many times afterwards if he'd made the right choice back then. All the times that Tooru had asked him to go out with him, even going so far as to say that he would give up selling himself for Hikaru's sake he couldn't help but wonder if it had been Tooru's way to tell him that he was being serious now, instead of just pursuing him blindly as he had done previously. The last time he'd said it Hikaru had almost agreed to it, his mouth opening, the words ready to be voiced. He had almost reached out then to grasp Tooru's slim wrist, to hold him back, to prevent him from following the client he was with. He had almost done that then – almost. But then he had stopped himself, brushing Tooru's comment aside, believing that he was just kidding around. Though perhaps he hadn't been.
Perhaps he should have stayed with Tooru back then but he had a feeling that it wouldn't have lasted. He had not exactly been in the best place emotionally himself to provide such support to someone like Tooru at that time. It was funny in a way. After resolving things with Tooru and no longer being pursued Hikaru then found that in a strange way he had missed Tooru's persistence. In fact he found himself worrying about Tooru more than before. Perhaps because he felt closer to Tooru after what they had shared.
When he began to get involved with Atori Hikaru couldn't help but butt in, something which he normally never did in such circumstances. He didn't know if he did it to protect Atori who he believed was getting confused about his own sexuality and orientation or because he was a little jealous that Tooru had actually seemed to finally to have found someone who he truly wanted to be with to the exclusion of all others. Finally he learnt to back off and let the two of them sort things out which they eventually did and were still together and happy for the most part. As one of the regulars at Unicorn said, who had known Tooru and Hikaru from long before they had met Yuki and Atori, Hikaru was like a protective big brother who dearly loved his sibling and just found it hard to let him go with others. That had flabbergasted Hikaru at first but now he realized that perhaps it was more accurate than he had realized. Knowing that Tooru was happy and settled and getting his life in order did make him happy.
He unbuttoned his shirt, letting it hang loosely at his sides, the breeze brushing over his heated flesh and cooling him. He was still surprised that Tooru's salvation had turned out to be Atori. If he hadn't accidentally met Yuki that night and they had begun seeing each other. If Atori hadn't been Yuki's best friend and accepting of his sexual orientation Tooru would never have met him. In the beginning Hikaru had almost wondered if the only purpose to his meeting Yuki that night had been the gods' way of having Tooru meet Atori and that they were the two who were meant to be together. He and Yuki's relationship had hardly started off auspiciously with him picking up a high school kid and sleeping with him as his first time with a man then pretending to be the boyfriend. He had found it ironic and a little hurtful in realizing that Yuki had only been using him as a substitute to cover his unrequited feelings for Atori.
He grimaced, rolling the empty water bottle on the floor with his foot again. How he had believed he was jinxed back then. First Hitomi using him to get over Ryuu, thenTooru trying to forget his senpai, then Yuki trying to escape his feelings for Atori. He had truly felt he was doomed for all relationships and cursed himself for being so pathetic as to actually fall for these guys himself. Despite his feelings for Yuki at the time there was no way he could force the issue. That he'd learnt only too well from his turbulent time with Hitomi. All he could do was leave Yuki to find his own way, whether it was to leave or remain.
A touch on his shoulder startled him, making him jump a little as his head spun round. Yuki was standing behind him, brows drawn down in concern.
"Are you all right?" he asked, one hand still resting on Hikaru's shoulder.
Hikaru smiled at him. "Sorry, you surprised me. I didn't hear you come in." He noticed the bag dropped in the passageway. "Don't you still have classes today?" he asked.
Yuki leant down then, slipping both arms around and hugging him, head resting on his shoulder, breath brushing the skin of his neck. "Yeah, but I wanted to be here."
Hikaru reached up and touched his arm. "How come? Did something happen?"
He felt Yuki shake his head. "No, but you just seemed a little…sad this morning."
"Ah, sorry. There's nothing to worry about really. I'm just being an old man and thinking too much about the past." Hikaru half turned his head to place a light kiss against Yuki's temple, soft hair brushing his lips.
He felt Yuki lift his head, lips brushing against his ear as he whispered, "You are my everything. There is no one like you."
Hikaru's heart jumped with joy at those words as he reached up, turning slightly to pull Yuki into an embrace before settling him in front of him on the window ledge. He wrapped his arms around the younger man, holding him tightly, feeling Yuki's arms reach up to grasp his, squeezing lightly. He looked down in Yuki's upraised face, bathing in the warm smile directed at him and the love he could see in Yuki's eyes. No, he was no longer a substitute for anyone; he was himself and himself alone. And Yuki loved him for himself of that he was certain.
He leant down to brush his lips over Yuki's in a gentle kiss. "Thank you," he said in a low voice filled with warmth. "Thank you for worrying about me."
"I always will because I love you," Yuki said.
"I'm glad," Hikaru replied with a smile, hugging the other again before leaning back to gaze out at the open sky before them.
His smile grew broader, happy with the feel of the warm body held in his arms. He was loved and loved back in return, what better feeling was there? His past loves were no less important to him but perhaps they had never been anything more than a means to finally come to this place so he could be with this person. So he sent a silent blessing to the heavens to watch over both Hitomi and Tooru and may they too always find happiness with their loves.
~End~