DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Peter Pan. BUT, the host and Jenni happen to be my roommates and I own Robot Pan.

Family Guy's "Dingo and Baby" song plays as the camera zooms in on Talk Show.

HOST

Hello, everyone! And welcome to APT 101 Ultimate Banana Talk Show Supreme!

Applause sign blinks

Applause

HOST

My name is Sarah, and I'll be your host for tonight. Today, we are interviewing Peter Pan. Not 1, not 2… BUT 3 PETER PANS!

Audience gasps

SARAH

That's right! 3 different boys who claim to be Peter Pan! But which one is telling the truth? They all can fly and they ALL have a sexy little Tinker Bell. You decide which Peter Pan is the ultimate Pan!

Drum roll

SARAH

Now, our first Peter Pan is animated and is owned by Disney… Meet the Animated Peter Pan!

Animated Peter Pan flies out and swoops over the happy audience

Drum roll again

SARAH

Our second Peter Pan is also owned by Disney… but has blonde hair. Meet Live-Action Peter Pan!

Live-Action Peter Pan zooms out and starts playing tag with Animated Peter Pan

Drum roll continues

SARAH

For our third Peter Pan, which is considered to be awkward considering he's a she.

Everyone stops, including the two Peter Pans, and stares blankly at host

SARAH

He, I mean, she…

rubs chin

Or does she want to be called He? Or the other way around? Hmmm.

shrugs

Welcome the Play Girl Peter Pan!

Play Girl Peter Pan hovers out by fishing lines

PLAYGIRL

Hello, London!!

Crickets

SARAH

coughs

AHEM! Will all the Peter Pans please come to the stage and take your seats.

They do as their told, but once they sit in their separate chairs, chains pop out and lock them down

ANIMATED PP

looks angry

Hey! What's the big idea?

LIVEACTION PP

blinks

PLAYGIRL PP

Oh dear….

SARAH

raises her hand to silence them

This interview was paid for by Captain Hook… and this was his request. Don't worry, you might be released later.

ALL PPs

nervously

Might?

SARAH

in serious tone

Yes.

in happy tone

Now! Let's get started with the interview!

ALL PPs

smiles

Ok!

SARAH

Now, Peter Pans, how do you feel about having different versions of yourself sitting beside you?

ANIMATED PP

thinks hard

I don't know…. It kinda feels weird, I guess.

OTHER PPs

nods in agreement

SARAH

Since we don't know who the real Peter Pan is, we have decided to let the audience vote for who can be the main Peter Pan. So, this is not just a Talk Show interview, it's a job interview.

LIVEACTION PP

disgusted

Job?

OTHER PPs

EEEEeeeeewwwwww!!

SARAH

Pops nine heads and hisses

GET OVER IT!

everyone, including audience and cameramen, meekly nodded

SARAH

goes back to cheery self

Good! Now, Play Girl Peter Pan… why… why are you a girl, anyway?

PLAYGIRL PP

I'm no girl! I'm a boy!

SARAH

dead panned

Stop lying to yourself.

PLAYGIRL PP

sighs in defeat

I DON'T KNOW!

tears roll down cheeks

MY DAD WAS IN DENIAL THAT HE GOT A DAUGHTER INSTEAD OF A SON! SO, HE MADE ME PLAY A BOY IN THE PETER PAN PLAY!

balls eyes out

AND SINCE THEN, HE DRILLED IN MY HEAD THAT I'M A BOY! NOT A GIRL!!! See?

moves hair to side and we see a piece of metal that has 'boy' engraved on it and was drilled into her skull

SARAH

stares blankly at emotional PP

Oh…. Well… that kinda sucks.

shakes head

While our emotional Peter Pan cries… I guess I'll ask Live-Action Peter Pan something.

Looks at LIVEACTION PP

Tell me… what is up with that creepy smirk?

LIVEACTION PP

Eyes tear up

I'm creepy?

SARAH

Nods knowingly

LIVEACTION PP

Sniffs and looks down

Oh… I see.

SARAH

While you marinate in that new discovery, I'll ask you something else. Peter Pan's character is supposed to be free and happy. But in the 2003 movie, you have your angst moments. Why?

LIVEACTION PP

Unsure

Because… I feel… angry?

SARAH

Leans in and nods intensely

And when did you find out that you were sexually frustrated?

LIVEACTION PP

Sexually frustrated, what's that?

SARAH

You know that weird frustrating feeling that you get around Wendy?

LIVEACTION PP

nods

SARAH

That's sexual frustration. It's what Tinker Bell feels for you.

Claps hands twice and calls off stage

Jenni!

JENNI

Walks out from lounge with a donut

Yis?

SARAH

Could you get the DVD Helmet Player and show Live-Action Peter Pan "Bad Kitty"?

JENNI

Sure.

walks back in lounge and comes back with a high-tech helmet

walks up to LIVEACTION PP and puts helmet on

closes 'windshield' of helmet

Now, you'll be experiencing some discomfort, but there's a pamphlet at the secretary's desk on how to take care of that.

Puts in DVD on side

Have fun!

walks back into lounge

SARAH

clears throat

So… Since, Playgirl is still going through an emotional breakdown, and Live-Action is about to be permanently scarred for life…. I guess that leaves you and me, Animated Peter Pan.

ANIMATED PP

wiggles in seat with excitement

Wanna play a game?

SARAH

smiles sweetly

Why, no. No I don't.

ANIMATED PP

crestfallen

Oh… another time, I guess.

SARAH

still smiles sweetly

There won't be. Anyway, tell me honestly… who do you like more? Wendy or Jane?

ANIMATED PP

thinks hard

I don't know… Wendy is definitely a better mother than Jane. But Jane is a better Lost Girl than Wendy.

SARAH

So, when did you realize that you were a home wrecker?

ANIMATED PP

looks horrified

W-what? I ruin homes?

SARAH

laughs at his face

Well, YEAH! I mean, c'mon! Wendy likes you and then her daughter Jane likes you! And you imply you like them back! Imagine how Wendy's husband and Jane's father feel! They're the same person, ya know!

laughs harder

You… You took away two important people from one innocent man's life!

ANIMATED PP

looks down in devastation

I… I ruined a home AND ruined someone's life besides Hook?

SARAH

rolling on the ground, laughing with tears

Y-yeah! HAHAHAA!! AND THEN YOU SCREW WITH TINKER BELL'S HEAD BY FLIRTING WITH WENDY AND JANE! YOU'RE A HOME WRECKER AND A PLAYER!

ANIMATED PP

looks ashamed

I'm… I'm horrible!

LIVE-ACTION PP

scared of helmet

Someone get me out of here!

PLAYGIRL PP

still crying

SARAH

sits back up normally and coughs

Well, I'm bored. But I have the votes for who should be the main Peter Pan.

Peter Pans look at Sarah while LIVEACTION PP struggles to get out of his chains and helmet

SARAH

takes deep breath

None of you.

PLAYGIRL PP & ANIMATED PP

perplexed

Huh?

SARAH

shrugged

They like my Robot Pan… that will be killing you in five seconds.

GREEN ROBOT STOMPS OUT AND EYES GLOW RED

ROBOT PAN

robotic voice

Destroy all Pans and make Sarah pancakes.

ANIMATED PP

panics

I thought you were going to release us!

SARAH

raises eyebrow

I said I 'might' release you.

shrugs

Annnnd, I'm not.

ROBOT PAN

eyes glow more bright

DESTROY. DESTROY.

Red beams shoot at Peter Pans and they instantly turn into ash

Robot Pan stomps to pile of ash and vacuums floor

SARAH

looks at audience and smiles brightly

Well, that's all for tonight! FYI, there's an APT101 After-Party in the lounge! Come and join and eat some pancakes!

everyone cheers and runs in lounge

Robot Pan is alone and looks into camera

ROBOT PAN

while eyes glow dangerously red

holds out vacuum hand

Would you like to go to Never Land with me so I can kill you and make pancakes out of your ashes?

THE END.